Posted by
Benjamin Leo
• 12.04.12 10:00 am


Drunk vs. Crazy: Guess who wins?

So this guy gets into a big fight with his wife, then leaves the house to go get wasted. You can’t relate at all, correct?

So he’s on the Q train platform, and observes a loud psychotic panhandler fucking with everyone nearby. He decides to play peacekeeper and talk the guy down, which is the second-to-last mistake he’ll ever make.

Here are 10 fucked-up things about what happened next:

10. Someone stood there video-ing their argument:

9. As you can see, the guy fucking WARNED him to mind his goddamn business, but he thought he’d use his drunken superpowers to tame a New York subway psychopath.

Lemme tell you something: I know it’s 2012 and Times Square seems like its owned by Disney, but it’s still New York fucking city. This is a gentle reminder to the rest of the hipster / liberal peace corps that I see trying to “help” crazy homeless people on the reg that this is not a fucking game.

8. My man was drunk, and just standing there with the “I love you bro but you’re scaring people” shtick. Yeah, you know why people are scared? It’s called flight or fight – it’s survival instinct and they all lived.

7. Homeless guy picks up my man and THROWS him into the tracks, body slam style, so much so that onlookers described seeing a body flying through the air.

This is where you tend to say, man, this could never happen to me because I stand BACK, kid, I know who’s in back of me, and I do this little trick with my foot so that my weight LOOKS like its forward but it’s actually BACK son, so if ngz push me imma… Wrong. It sounds good in theory, but if a psychotic man PICKS YOU UP with OJ Strength, he can do what he wants with you, and one option is DEPOSITING YOU ON THE TRACKS.

6. He “barely” missed the third rail, which they say in the post article as “oooh, thank god he barely missed the third rail” but to me that would have been way better. Like, what’s better, THIS? “Crushed like a rag doll,” as the train conductor said??

I’d much rather get knocked unconscious and be electrocuted and have that be the last thing I ever knew.

5. Train starts coming, and my man stares into the headlights, just standing there. On-lookers yell at him to “COME ON GET OUTTA THERE HURRY UP!” but really this is little-more than Larry David’s passive “Somebody get a sponge!”

Again, it’s all well and good to scream at this guy to COME THE FUCK ON, but it’s like yelling at A-Rod to “JUST HIT THE BALL!”

Looks easy from the stands, motherfucker, but my man just had four vodkas and got BODYSLAMMED onto the third rail by a crazy black giant – now he’s staring into the lights of an oncoming freight train. Think you’d be ready for that Olympic push-up back onto the train platform? Okay.

4. Dudes are taking pictures, and then not only have the balls to post them but also claim they were only using their camera flashes to alert the engineer to make an emergency break.

So, is a camera flash now the international sign for “yo there’s a man in the tracks?”

How about waving both hands in front of you and screaming STOP, instead of going down on one knee and aiming for the Pulitzer.

How about god forbid trying to help him out?? (To be honest he did the right thing by not doing that – I would head for zee hills – that drunk motherfucker could pull a reverse and your ass would be on the third rail too.)

I’m sorry but that is just 2012 instagram-fueled BULLshit.

3. The photo shows all the rest of the passengers FAR the fuck away on the platform! Hahahaha how fucked up is that?! They bailed because they didn’t want black colossus throwing their shit onto the third rail too! SMART PEOPLE! (But still fucked up.)

2. How many times does your Q train CRAWL into the fucking station stopping for an hour at every goddamn yellow light – and sometimes you’re on the platform and just see the train waiting by the tunnel entrance just SITTING there even though from your perspective you can SEE that nothing is stopping the train from coming into the station. “IM LATE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR???”

Not this time, boy-o. OF COURSE now that someone was thrown onto the tracks and is staring down the tunnel like a deer in headlights, of course NOW is the time the train arrives at maximum speed like a silver fucking bullet, crushing the guy to his death as a second year Beth Israel resident jumps over with her stethoscope in time to hear his last heartbeat while blood pours out of his mouth like the end of Raiders.

1. He was in a fight with his wife!!! She’ll never be able to make up with him. I know that when you’re in big fights with your wife or boyfriend you dream of dying just to make then realize how much they fucking SUCK… but believe me you don’t want that shit to happen on real life. Look what she has to deal with now, you selfish cunts.

So fucked up.

—BENJAMIN LEO
@TheBenWord


Comments
  1. Jesse Andrew says:

    “To be honest he did the right thing by not doing that – I would head for zee hills – that drunk motherfucker could pull a reverse and your ass would be on the third rail too.”

    I agree. Too risky.

  2. JewManji says:

    The world has aids.

  3. Jerome says:

    Yeesh. I’ve told my white friend time and time again, leave homeless people alone. Pass em a few coins here and there (until Obama abolishes pennies and nickels, muahaha) but there’s no need to be Mr.Rogers and make them your neighbor. That’s how folks get kilt.

  4. Justin Fickayshun says:

    Eh. In an over-populated world, I don’t get too upset about this.

  5. pat says:

    ugh, his wife!!!

  6. Hornblower's Ghost says:

    Sad end to a life and a wife who’s last memories are a fight. All of you who ride the train, an MTA employee told me once if you happen to wind up on the tracks, don’t try to climb back up, run to the far end, because there’s a set of stairs at both ends of the platform that workers use to get back up from the tracks. He told me your chances are way better of not getting hit by a train since you’re running away from an oncoming train, and people can wave from the platform to alert the conductor and the conductor can see you running up ahead, and hit the emergency brakes before he hits you.

  7. Mccaf says:

    Granted he’s a dumb drunk motherfucker for talking to a bum like that in first place, since they’re destitute BECAUSE they’re fucking crazy, but I can’t help feeling that situations like these demand for public hangings to be legalized again.

  8. Lee Ving says:

    New York’s alright if you wanna get pushed in front of the subway!!!!

  9. Ghost of Archie Bunker says:

    Just like a chimp will RIP YOUR FACE OFF a strange homeless black man will pummel you with the power of super slave strength! Don’t mess with outdated and dangerous farm equipment!!

  10. Lester says:

    So is the homeless guy in jail for life?

  11. Unca Mike says:

    I think the homeless guy was pissed because the other guy was drinking a 16oz coke.

  12. Kyria says:

    Yep. If you live in New York, you’d better have some people sense. Dude had a choice. Didn’t take it.


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