The 23-year-old Instaboner from today is fairly attractive. Math teacher Carly McKinney may have gone unnoticed if Diplo didn’t re-Tweet the picture of her twerking to “Express Yourself,” but she’s not even in my top 10. At the top of the list is…
#1 PAMELA ROGERS
Pam sent this to her 14-year-old student/ex-boyfriend AFTER she had been sentenced for “molesting” him. The boy’s mother pleaded with Pamela to “leave our family alone” and Jimmy Kimmel joked the father almost died from excessive high-fives. The fact that this video was sent after she was forbidden from contacting him is so, “Fuck you, I’m hot,” it makes me wet.
#2 DEBRA LAFAVE
This girl is so fuckable, her lawyer used it as part of her defense and said she’s too pretty to go to jail because it would be like “putting a piece of raw meat in with the lions.”
#3 HOPE JACOBY
All we know about this chick is the boy was between 14 and 17 and there were pictures of her on his phone. Can we see these pictures please? We got to see Pamela Rogers sexy dance and it helped us form a rational legal opinion that affects policies today. (That, and I really want to see the pictures.)
#4 CARRIE McCANDLESS
She was the principal’s wife but she couldn’t resist blowing a 17-year-old male while on a camping trip. I like that she seems kind of big in a Jessica Simpson way. I bet her tits are floppy.
#5 AMY BECK
This all-American cutie pie was a great English teacher if by “English” you mean oral sex. She confessed and went to jail for two years. Her husband is an LAPD cop who got sued for threatening to shoot the kid. I’m guessing he hadn’t been blown in about two years.
#6 AUTUMN LEATHERS
As her name would indicate, Leathers liked it rough and after several late night boner sessions with a 16-year-old boy, she traded her job for a year in jail. It’s important to note this is a prison shot and not a glamor shot. She’s probably three times hotter than this. Where many men go to jail and get fucked in the ass, this poor woman got fucked in the ass and went to jail.
#7 LINDSAY MASSARO
Lindsay had a consensual relationship with a 15-year-old and now faces parole supervision for life. Reports did not indicate if he was very tall and smart with no zits and that wouldn’t change anything legally, but it sure would affect my opinion.
#8 AMY SHELTON
This horrible predator had sex with a 19-year-old boy when she was a haggard old 22. Wait, what’s the matter with that? Oh, he attended the school she taught at. But wait, he’s 19. Shouldn’t he be in college by now?
Come on, guys. These women are being treated the same as sexual predators. They might be stupid and horny, but they’re not really “predators.” Call me sexist but I believe men are not the same as women. In fact, I think it’s sexist to imply otherwise.
#9 LISA GILDE
The 17-year-old who boned this teacher said, “I feel the entire case was blown far out of proportion and reason. I was the initiator of the contact, not Lisa Glide. I was clearly not a young child and Lisa Glide was not a sexual predator.”
Teenage boys are genetically engineered to want to fuck everything that moves. When their job is to stare at a hot blonde all day, the thought of fucking her is going to cross their minds.
# 10 CARA DICKEY
OK, this bitch is different. She drugged a kid and got him wasted and then had him agree to a suicide pact. Fortunately, she got wasted too and woke up in her car the next morning wondering if she was in heaven. She wasn’t. She was in a parking lot. The kid she drugged woke up in a shopping mall. She was charged with statutory rape, registered as a sex offender, and got four years in jail.
Look, molesting a young child is grounds for the death penalty. I think a lot of men who fuck little kids would agree. They probably want to die. However, there are degrees of pedophilia. When Chris Hansen busts some 20-year-old creep who wants to fuck a 14-year-old girl who told the guy she “loves anal,” Hansen is not getting another pedo off the streets. He’s creating a fake situation that wouldn’t have existed otherwise and then acting like a hero when he busts the perp in Second Life. (Hansen has his own troubles with young women, especially blondes.)
We’re told Catholic Priests fuck little boys but studies have shown it’s not boys but adolescents. It’s not straight male priests preying on toddlers. It’s closeted GAY priests molesting teens. That’s much worse than the women above but again, it’s not in the same league as a true child molester. Many comedians would be dismayed if they knew how much of their Catholic-bashing was actually gay-bashing.
These women are fuckups but pretending male-on-female predators are the same as female-on-male predators does a disservice to women because it pretends we live in a world where women are just as scary as men (it also kills Jimmy Kimmel’s joke about high fives). Sorry ladies but men are almost always physically stronger. That’s why we have “Firemen.” They tend to be better at lifting someone up and taking them somewhere.
Anyway, leave these poor women alone. They’re just dumb and horny blondes which is what we asked women to be in the first place. Except Cara Dickey. Fuck that bitch. She cray.