Posted by
Gavin
• 11.10.09 12:00 pm


New York Magazine’s recent cover story about circumcision compels me to repeat something I’ve been saying since Vice was newsprint: If you have no foreskin, I have some bad news for you. Some guy cut your dick off.

New York Magazine’s recent cover story about circumcision compels me to repeat something I’ve been saying since Vice was newsprint: If you have no foreskin, I have some bad news for you. Some guy cut your dick off.

If you’re a Jew or a Muslim, that’s fucking retarded but if you’re an American, that’s even worse. That’s right, you’re even worse off than some archaic religion based on monsters and goblins from when the average life span was 14 and people were lucky to get a bath every three weeks. In America, you are circumcised because the guy from Kellogg’s Corn Flakes hoped it would discourage masturbation. Way to go, Headless Horseman. Tony the Tiger mutilated your genitalia. Did it work? Oh, during your adolescence you only masturbated four times a day instead of five? No wonder you’re 0.004% better at video games than me.

There’s a lot that annoys me about New York Mag’s 15-page story on baby altering but it’s the same thing that’s always drove me boners about the debate.

1- TRUE OR FALSE: It leads to STDs and even motherfucking AIDS!
True! If you ram your dick into something with no preparation whatsoever, the sensitive skin around there may very well tear and AIDS could get in. Why are you doing that though? Didn’t your father tell you to at least spit on a cunt before you fuck it? Can’t you get her wet?

There was a study done in South Africa recently that noticed men who had foreskins were more likely to get HIV. OK, you got me. Wait a minute. Isn’t South Africa the rape capital of earth? We weren’t meant to stick our dicks places that don’t want them. It tends to be not so great for the species as a whole. That’s why your foreskin isn’t going to give you HIV. You’re not a rapist.

Now, as an extreme example, if you played in punk bands as a kid and fucked over 300 women in your life, the odds are, at least once, some wasted goth girl is going to be furiously beating your meat while you’re passed out backstage. Even in that insane situation, you will be fine. Even if you fuck her after! Know why? Because she doesn’t have fucking AIDS, that’s why. More on this later.

2- TRUE OR FALSE: It’s unhygienic and it reeks.
True! (A hundred years ago.) Today we are able to wash ourselves daily and even if we forget, we have things called “Wet Wipes” to provide us something called a “Whore’s Bath.”
A note to both sexes: Always keep WWipes by your bed and give a wipe before a sesh. Your genitalia smells like pee.

3- TRUE OR FALSE: It’s ugly.
True! Dudes, if you live in a Darth Vader country where you’re one of the few British-born residents (as I was / am) know this one simple fact: The only time a girl sees your dick when you’re under 25 is when it’s hard as steel.
The foreskin recedes when a penis is erect so they look exactly the fucking same (AKA not gorgeous, but, way better than flaccid).
By the time a woman is old enough to see your penis flaccid, she is so over how ugly they are, they could look like Jeremy Piven if he had Shane McGowan’s dentist. It’s like when they see your poo. Yeah, it’s gross but that’s life. Saying a flaccid circumcised penis is better looking than an uncircumcised one is like saying a dead mushroom looks better than a forgotten elephant’s trunk. Congratulations!

4- TRUE OR FALSE: If I don’t circumcise my kid, his penis won’t look like my circumcised penis.
True! I personally have never been to a penis-modeling shoot with my dad so I feel gypped we can’t compare his wrinkled Coke can with my strange cylinder. I can’t imagine the kind of teasing and humiliation mixed father / sons have to endure when the tips of their dicks don’t match. I wouldn’t be surprised if that Fort Hood guy wasn’t just another hooded penis driven mad by the word “hood.”

5- TRUE OR FALSE: It doesn’t really hurt.
False! Shit. I ran out of sarcasm. If it doesn’t hurt, why does a baby’s circumcision tray contain a head strap, a chest strap, and two straps for each limb?
I’ve spoken to a couple of grown men who have had the operation and they both get nauseous when describing the pain. One made an enormous belt made out of couch cushions which he wore for weeks and the other had to have his friends pick him up from the corner store because he was unable to make the two-minute walk home FOUR WEEKS after the operation.

6- TRUE OR FALSE: It’s no less sensitive.
False! Jesus Fucking Christ can you give me a break please? NY Mag had some before or after dude that said there’s no difference and then he said, well, there is a difference but he’s GLAD it’s less sensitive because blowjobs were too intense. What a complaint. He should have done what the rest of us do when we’re on a roller coaster and it starts to get too scary: Put your arms in the air and scream.

7- TRUE OR FALSE: It’s an important religious tradition.
True! Can we all just step outside the front door and have a look around? The bubonic plague is over. We’re not wearing potato sacks anymore and we’re not begging for thruppence. Can we please let this Santa Cloud thing go once and for all? Oh, and religious doctors, can you please leave our dicks alone? It’s called the Hippocratic Oath.

Which brings me back to that Satan-worshiping chick backstage. When I was a teenager, I was wank-raped by a chick who had no idea what she was doing. Next thing you know my frenulum was torn. The Muslim doctor I went to see told me to cut the blasphemy off immediately. I ignored him and my band, Anal Chinook, did a song about the Rocky-like road to recovery. It went like this …

-I was piss drunk when it happened but I’ll never forget / I woke up in the morning my buddy was red.
-My buddy was all bloody from a girl I never met / I went to see the doctor. You’ll never believe what he said.
-After looking at my foreskin with his short, stubby hands / He wrote up a form. Said my buddy was banned.
-It was going to be the hospital. They said it was the end / But when they take away your foreskin, you lost your best friend.

-NO! DON’T TAKE MY FORESKIN. NO! SOMEHOW I WILL MAKE AMENDS.
-NO! DON’T TAKE MY FORESKIN. NO! YOU KNOW I’LL NEVER GIVE IN.

-Exercised and exercised and stretched it in the bath (I think it’s getting stronger. I know it’s getting stronger) / Apply the cream real carefully it’s just simple math (I think it’s getting stronger. I know it’s getting stronger)
-I’ll beat that operation man, no matter what it takes! / I’ll make my foreskin stronger. I’ll probably bleed a lake!

-DON’T TOUCH THAT SCALPEL!
etc.

In fact, it didn’t bleed a lake. All I did was abstain from sex for a few weeks and have a few hot baths and I was right as rain in no time. Two decades later, my trunk is still intact and the only time I’ve heard a doctor talk about circumcision is when a doctor (yes, another Muslim) tried to convince me to circumcise my son for “aesthetic reasons.” What the fuck is going on with these people and why do they want my foreskins so bad? Does Allah get paid in foreskins?

8- TRUE OR FALSE: Peeing is easier.
True! When you have a foreskin you have to pull it back a bit and then kind of milk the last drops out at the end. If you don’t do that you can get up to one drop kind of resting there for several seconds. On the bright side, a good foreskin pisser is able to go piss without washing his hands after because he never went near the piss zone.

9- TRUE OR FALSE: Having a foreskin makes you a pedantic bore who won’t shut up about it.
True! Look asshole, you’re talking about my dick and how horrible it is for humanity. This is the same boner an ex-prostitute once described as “The most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.” That’s like the IRS telling you your receipts are breathtaking. So I’m not going to let some fucking uptight New Yorkers forget that THEY are in fact the freaks and WE are the Chosen Ones.

10- TRUE OR FALSE: It discourages masturbation.
True! Just as it’s easier to piss without a foreskin, it’s easier to beat off with one. And, because the head of our dick is not scraping against Hanes all day, it feels better when stimulated.
We don’t need lube to beat off because the skin goes up and down around it. There is one trick though: Ladies, if you hold it too high, it hurts when you push it to the bottom. If you hold it too low, we don’t get enough skin-movement and you’re just kind of shaking my pubes around. The solution to this is to have the dude place your hand right at the 60% mark. There. Now you go up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and Nnngh!

Simultaneously posted on Platform (which is why I can get away with showing that Anal Chinook video again).

-GAVIN MCINNES


Comments
  1. cunty mcstevens says:

    What is this, blognigger nostalgia week?

    good material here – it’s about three quarters as funny as when bn did it

  2. Anonymous says:

    ewwww foreskin, don’t be angry that your parents didn’t insist on you not being the weird kid in gym class

  3. yikes says:

    Gavin, I’m only half way through this article and I had to comment. Nice work sir. This is very much on-point.

  4. plotte en vrac says:

    Wet wipes smell like diapers. Just use soap & water.

  5. mangled knuckles says:

    methinks thou dost protesteth too much
    even a circumsized penis is just barely in the category of “i can almost not barf when i look at it if i think about trigonometry.”
    a foreskin pushes it past the red line, i’m sorry. so disgusting. every girl i know has a story about the first time they saw an uncircumsized one, and it’s in the same realm as the first time they were raped by a canadian with downs syndrome.

    and maybe my head is a little less sensitive (i’ll never know so fuck it) but i’m actually in agreement with the guy in the magazine. i want to be able to last longer than a napalm death song.

  6. soulsonic force says:

    In regards to the Wet Wipes: I do this tons and keep em in my purse too but does it make your puss kinda taste like Lysol or chemicals? I haven’t the nerve to ask the dudes. What is better, pee or a mild chemical/soapy taste?

  7. A Highly Respected Individual says:

    The comments are going to be so full of teary eyed circumcised gents pretending to be girls who find a normal cock disgusting. Male and female circumcision, both horrible, exist because puritanical religions want to ensure that sex sucks for you.

  8. soulsonic force says:

    Oh never mind, I have my answer thx plotte.

  9. riv randall says:

    any sharp girl knows that foreskins make their work easier (see the jerkoff description) and are great. girls who place “seeing an uncut dick” with “rape” are moron babies! are you terrified of everything that’s unfamiliar to you? that must be a SUCK way to live

  10. Deadbeatmanchief says:

    FORESKIN POWER! YES!
    As a pervert myself, who grew up sticking my dick into random things (and not contracting AIDS), and as a pervert who still does stick his dick into random things (vaginas! :D) I can confirm everything Gavin has just said. Girls I’ve been with also report less rubbing; therefore, less pain and irritation for rounds two and three. I thank my father everyfuckingday for leaving me with my precious foreskin.
    Thanks Dad!

    One important thing to add: There are nerve endings in your foreskin, and by cutting it off you lose them which send pleasurable (or painful, if you’ve ever ripped your foreskin masturbating, as I have!) signals to your brain. You lose your foreskin, you lose pleasure. That’s a scientific fact. And no, nobody can even tell I’ve ever ripped my foreskin because it’s on the underbelly side.

  11. imyar says:

    yawn who cares anteaters look gross and dick funk is not hot.

  12. Bloody Enchilada says:

    Shut your cheezy yeast hole.

  13. Maxipad says:

    CURCUMCISIONS VS DOG EAR CLIPPINGS

    Circumcisions began from Fathers that were obsessive/compulsive. Its just like clipping dogs ears, they look weird and they cant cover their ears from Weird people convos. Like getting their dick skin fucking cut off.

  14. Anonyourmom says:

    Ok, most of this is true. Chicks dig the hoody, but mostly because I wash my dick with Listerine before sex. Also, I’m the only person I know who had has 2 urinary tract infections and multiple yeast infections. I have recently toyed with the idea of being circumcised. Has anyone else has any problems with theirs?

  15. booty says:

    I’ve sucked a few dicks in my day, but never encountered an uncircumcised one.

  16. Maxipad says:

    Foreskin is a mans clit, you need it really….I think..

  17. homeless. says:

    fuck man, did you have to put that frenulum link up.

  18. homeless. says:

    Has anyone ever gotten a foreskin implant/transplant/re-isntalled?

  19. dan dizzle dan says:

    I stopped reading one paragraph in.

  20. autozocks says:

    ahahahha i love my foreskin. love to get freaked out cuz blowjobs are too intense. makes orgasms feel like fractals. i love fractals. and i love the wizard in your band!

  21. chriscrozzzz says:

    As a circumcised average American guy, I have to tell you…

    It did not, in any way, reduce my masturbation. If I am to assume that circumcision reduces sensation, that I probably masturbated longer, more intensely, and more energetically, than those chaps with those added nerve endings tossed into scrap bucket… Let’s face it, masturbation is nice. And, even if it is 1/10th as intense as others, it is still 10 times better than most of life’s activities. My guess is that if most guys had a volume knob on their sensation, they would turn it down a bit.

  22. le fucktardé says:

    I was fucking this girl in an unnamed European country where they eat lots of cheese, everyone works part time and they all take the month of August off, when we were done she asked me if I was Jewish. It started a cycle of American foreskin envy in my life I’m not at all over. Thanks for agreeing to that one parents, you’re not even religious let alone fucking Jewish. Sheesh.

  23. Anonymous says:

    i like a fohskin. it like a magic puppet show where now you see him now you don’t. it smell though, even when a man think it do not. must to wash aclean rite befohr use. thank you.

  24. Cunty Baws says:

    As someone who was circumcised in my teens because my foreskin was too tight to fold back over my glans, I do wonder just how less sensitive my penis now is. For the first few weeks after the operation, my cock was in a super-sensitive state, as the exposed head rubbed against my (very loose) clothing, but after a while I stopped feeling it tickling my trousers and it pretty much became immune to everyday rubbing and chafing. I definitely don’t get that weird, tickly feeling anymore from touching the head. I was a virgin when I was snipped, but I do remember pre-snip wanking, and I don’t think that it was any more intense than after.

    In fact, I had wank about a week after the operation, in the bath with my stitches still in (yes- in my cock), and it was an amazing, sordid mixture of pleasure and pain. Closest I’ll ever get to sado-masochism.

  25. words and phrases most used by Gavin says:

    cocaine, circumcision, pakis, crust punks, liberals, I slept with over 200 girls, bump (as in a bump of cocaine), I was in a punk band, the numbers 1 to 10, doye, cocaine, bag (as in balls and/or sack of cocaine), Scotland, cocaine. . .

  26. Anonymous says:

    @cunty baws,

    my, my, my…just how big are you that the foreskin was too tight for it?

  27. ew says:

    im pretty sure uncut guys r actually cleaner than cut guys becuse the uncut ones are always worried about smegma so they’re constantly scrubbing down the decks. kinda like how people who r always on diets r fatter than people than never diet because the dieters always slip up and then gorge.

  28. Sewer Rats says:

    Haha Imyar has a filthy pussy. She needs sexual balance, thus the foreskin hating. Your see through, bitch.

    The only broads who care about dicks are the broads that have pretty rough vaj’s. Done.

  29. Wack-boy says:

    If I wanted all that extra skin in my mouth I would just eat pussy.

  30. $aint Veran says:

    Serious comment

    the notion that my pecker got kiked is DEEP…yo

    P.S. i love raymi

  31. paul fleiss says:

    since blognigger died, does that mean that gavin’s staying up all night doing tribute lines, celebrating his uncircumcised cack?

  32. Dirty Sanchez says:

    Great article man.

    …except that every girl I meet insists on asking me if I’m circumcised before she’ll even make out with me. I say “…um, YES,” they look relieved as fuck and we can finally have sex.

    I’ve never met a woman in North America who was not grossed out by uncut cocks.

    But hey, whatever makes you feel better. Sea cucumbers look kinda cool.

  33. Anonymous says:

    @$aint Veran: sorry your little guy got kiked. When I was 7 my brand new bicycle got nigged.

    Bummer.

  34. ew says:

    ^why do guys give a shit what some bitch thinks? 90% of girls have either meat curtains/unshaved vag/weird clit/ or r all yeasty so just call her out on that shit. Im a chick and ive seen both since i exclusively fudge muslims/ europeans
    (because i hate jews) n it only matter when it comes to bj novaks, n those r always just gonna suck.

  35. Um.. Excuse me says:

    You’re actually wrong about the AIDS and foreskin part. It’s not because of all the ramming and raping that you get it. It’s because viruses are able to permeate the delicate membranous tissue that hides beneath your foreskin (like in your butt).

    People who have their penises shorn develop a keratinized layer which makes the entire shaft no different than the rest of the skin on the body. You’re as likely to get infected on the shaft of a circumcised dink as you are if you splashed AIDS water on your wrist.

    Scientists used to think that it went in through the pee hole. Ha!

  36. $aint Veran says:

    @anonymous

    yeah, you know i love you baby (i got your back!) and i know you’re going through a time or so=meting—freedom = love…right on), but please, don’t never refer to my guy as “little.” it’s bad for my life. but anyhoo, raymi has more talent in her pinky than any of you sad fucks combined, and it’s not because her dad was Jack Kerouac. nuh-uh. love ya sug. nice stems.

  37. fuckface says:

    I like to pull my excess shaft skin over my tip when I’m flaccid and pretend I’ve got a foreskin.

  38. Benz says:

    What about how foreskins are used for cosmetic products? That’s why all the doctors want them, there’s big money f’skins.

    I have mine, it’s like insurance.

  39. European says:

    Could someone here please explain to me why every guy in the US seems to be circumcised? Like why do they perceive it as more aesthetic?

  40. Roland Barthes says:

    Any girl who cares about foreskins before a fuck is a pathetic loser. It’s like suggesting a woman needs implants before you can bed her. Get the fuck outta here.

  41. stoops says:

    @european.
    wish i knew. i had it done when i was born–the doctor just did it apparently, didn’t ask my folks permission, nothing. that was ’75. maybe it was just the fashion?

  42. R says:

    my American parents “forgot” to get it done to me. which was pretty rad of them. I am thankful for being natural.

  43. puhleaseee says:

    My boyfriend is uncircumcised. Doesn’t bother me a single bit. He’s actually the second guy I have dated that didn’t undergo a circumcision. And neither of them are uncut due to religious reasons. Both said that their parents just didn’t want to hurt them.

  44. lol@u says:

    this is fucking random, but it looks like soon we’ll be able to get our foreskin back. http://www.boingboing.net/2009/11/10/growing-penis-tissue.html

    I can’t wait to try jerkin the gherkin with my brand new foreskin. shcwing!

  45. total fucking hippie says:

    foreskins are a good thing I have mine and something I think a lot of people don’t know is that not all foreskins cover the head of the dick or hang of like a trunk when you’re not hard mine is about a quarter inch short of covering and when I get hard it’s almost non-excitant when I was like 6 I got a yeast infection then I learned to wash it I am 29 now and have never had another problem with yeast or rips or peeing or anything like that and I have been a dirty fucking hippie for years I lived in the woods for months at a time tree sitting I road trains and lived in squats and nothing happened I have also never had a negative comment from a women only once in my life did someone tell me they didn’t like foreskin and it was a gay guy so it really didn’t matter to me anyway

  46. Cap'n Glitterfuzz says:

    This shit is ridiculous. How much are you willing to invest into your cock issues? Just use what you’ve got, queers.

  47. stoops says:

    ^^^yeah i’m not sure what the hand-ringing is about. a dick is a dick is a dick. unless it’s not, of course.

  48. Hackneyed says:

    I once read somewhere–probably some dime store s & m novel–that it was decided after wwII to circumcise as many goyim as possible, the intention being to make it more difficult to identify the Jews among the herd should another massive anti-semitic movement arise. Has this already been said? Apologies if that’s the case.

  49. Gavin says:

    @European Says:
    “Could someone here please explain to me why every guy in the US seems to be circumcised? Like why do they perceive it as more aesthetic?”

    Can you not make it five sentences in? How lazy has socialism made you fuckers?

  50. The President of the United States of Full Blown Aids says:

    My dick is the best.

  51. Dorian says:

    The reason why circumcision is so big is the same reason why all the drugs worth doing are illegal. Fucking money.
    http://streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/blog/10-myths-about-your-penis/#more-11974

  52. Dorian says:

    The reason why circumcision is so big is the same reason why all the drugs worth doing are illegal. Fucking money.
    I honestly feel that routine infantile circumcision is one of the most ignored human rights abuses in modern times.
    http://www.circumstitions.com/$$$.html

  53. OK, the Kellogg’s cereal guy thing is all well and good. But if that’s true, how is it Dr. Kuntz got away with finger fucking the women at Kellogg’s wellness retreats as a form of therapy? Is the female orgasm considered good while the male orgasm is considered bad? Was Kuntz just a rebel? Answers please.

  54. stoops says:

    well this whole ‘stopping boys wanking’ certainly didn’t work with me. if that’s your goal might as
    well cut the whole damn thing off.

  55. Keep the tip says:

    Well, ribbed condoms are meant to mimick the extra skin on your cock

  56. Chop it says:

    As a lady, I like a circumcised dick way more than one with the extra skin. Circumcised looks better, it’s easier to handle, and it ain’t so funky. Isn’t that reason enough?

  57. Anonymous says:

    @ Um.. Excuse me – really? That’s crazy. I always thought it seemed a bit unlikely that AIDS could slip in through your Jap’s eye.

    Anyway, I’m Irish so I wasn’t circumcised, and I’m glad. It’s like my foreskin hides a vulnerable little secret that only myself and special (well, not that special) ladies will get to see. The three seconds I spend every morning washing underneath my hood haven’t negatively affected my quality of life. It’s interesting that generally everyone who’s had the snip is for it, and everyone who hasn’t it is against it – so why not just leave it as is? It’s funny that Jews and Muslims are dead against cutting your hair or shaving, but chopping off a big chunk of your dick is A-okay. It’s also funny going to the bathhouse here in Korea and getting amazed comments from co-bathers (everyone here has the snip when they’re 12 or 13. Ouch!)

  58. GOD says:

    I had no idea so many of you took that “covenant” thing so fucking serious.

  59. rofl says:

    ya nature is wrong, ok.

  60. Uncircumcised United says:

    I told a girl who was very grossed out and disappointed about my foreskin that “I have an organic, whole foods dick”.

  61. cumonme says:

    how could you possibly be ‘grossed out’ by a foreskin?
    that is the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard.
    if i guy i was with wasnt circumcised id be relieved his parents werent mental religious fucks!
    if you arguing that you have it for aesthetic reasons why not get a facelift and boob job while your at it, the amount of pain involved in circumcision is about the same, actually worse.
    i know sometimes it can be because the foreskin is too tight but other then that, get real ladies.
    our pussies arnt the most marvoulous things to see or smell either.

  62. BrooklynChimp says:

    Good shit!

  63. gapteethinyomouth says:

    are you serious? “On the bright side, a good foreskin pisser is able to go piss without washing his hands after because he never went near the piss zone.” wash your filthy hands you dirtbag!

  64. kuntz says:

    smell my finger!

  65. uhh says:

    go foreskins. also informative and funny, and why the fuck is ny mag writing about dick skin to start with, they don’t write about female circumcision in the same way

  66. Anonymous says:

    this shit again? seriously? who cares? cut or uncut the dick’s job is the same. stick into a pussy, thrust repeatedly, shoot out some cum, wash rinse repeat. “but but it feels better…” “…it’s not as sensitive” shut the fuck up with that shit.

  67. a lady says:

    i don’t know. i dated a guy for a long time who was uncut and it was not the most fun. it was definitely dirtier and i remember we had so many condom issues, like his skin would get caught in it weirdly when we had sex and would have to stop. aesthetically, i prefer cut too.

  68. Anonymous says:

    i have my foreskin and its awesome that it wasnt taken away for bs reasons

  69. Rocky Mountain Mom says:

    This post was so awesome I will be forwarding it to all my religious, concervative midwestern relative to further drive home my argument for not circumcising my infant son. Here in the hippy mountain enclaves of Colorado, we have legions of little hooded jedis wandering around because it just doesn’t seem right to mutilate your child.
    Also, as a public health nurse, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that counting on circumcision to keep you invincible against HIV and other less deadly, yet unsavory STDs is a poor choice.

  70. frenchy says:

    girls say it looks like a peen-beak

  71. c'mon says:

    totally agree.

  72. fackin a says:

    right
    great post

  73. Dork says:

    Guys sure do think about their weiners a lot.

  74. I’m certainly linking this webpage from this blog . it’s each of the usefull info necessary.

  75. Freds- cut me says:

    Hey all I’m for the cut but as a adult choice. I believe it each ones own choice so I disagree with infant circumcision. I’m uncut and have enjoyed sex with the extra sensitivity but have this wild fantasy to get cut by a sexy doctor or my partner before our wedding , yes I’m gay so what. As to the whole South African thing as a South African I can say yes we have a lot of rape here but I don’t honestly think any more than some more “modern” countries that still have a issue about legalizing Gay and Lesbian marriage! One more thing most South Africans are circumcised due to cultural believes it’s prominent in Xhosa and Zulu aswell as Swazi cultures and we have a huge Jewish and Muslim population. As for the rest of the article I think its very well written.

  76. not a duesche bag says:

    Stop talking about your dicks, circumsized or not its all about what the ladies think.


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