Posted by
Jesse Andrew
• 09.10.12 04:00 am



Death. This is what I imagine happening if I ever slept with a married woman.

I end up dead at the end of the story. If there is one thing I would never do, it’s sleep with another man’s wife. Twice a week I’m put to the test. A very married woman, attractive, very early 30s I’m guessing, has seen something she wants and that something is me. This crazy cooze has made it beyond clear she wants my attention and I’m beginning to think the more I ignore her advances, the more her pussy bakes pudding. Even when I race out into the parking lot after class, she’ll yell out, “Goodbye Jesse! Have a nice day!”

I ignore her because I know we would fuck. She’s cool, funny, and the tension is there. Plus she has an ass so full of ass, if she were to bend over in front of me, I would probably faint. I wonder what it smells like? Pistachio? No! I can’t think like that! I’m avoiding this bitch at all costs. I hold zero interest in knowing what it feels like to poke another man’s wife, douchebag or not. All I have to do is make it two more weeks without her suggesting we hang out, continuing to give her one-word answers to everything, and jerking off once a day. I can do this.

What follows are 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have sex with this woman.

10. I’ll feel like shit. I’m a sensitive dude. Sure, I’m a pervert, but I like feelings and shit. I enjoy being in a team with a woman. An A-team, but we fuck all the time. If I stick my dick in this woman, I will lose all faith in the idea of marriage. I’m old. I want to get married and have my wife kill me pretty much like in the movie War of the Roses. That’s my idea of the perfect marriage. Falling head over fucking heels in love with each other, raising a couple of piggies, and when we’ve grown completely sick of each other, we don’t cheat. Cheating is for pussies. My wife and I try to kill each other, end up on the chandelier, and fall to our deaths. (In this fictional story I’ve become a very successful author and can easily afford to live in houses with ceilings so tall one could die if dropped from the top.)

9. Her husband could be the Zodiac Killer. You don’t know! They never caught that asshole. Maybe she was once into older men and married this dude, but now in the year 2012, the idea of my stiff peen is much more appealing than his old wrinkly Zodiac balls. Don’t be fooled, his old-geezer ass is still perfectly capable of stabbing me in the back dozens of times. I’m not trying to solve the Zodiac mystery; I don’t want anything to do with this asshole. That little circle symbol with the cross through it gives me the creeps. Only weird, painfully lonely, white people come up with shit like that.

8. She could be using me for a green card. She is Mexican. Colombian, even? Maybe she isn’t married at all, it’s a front and she’s trying to suck me into a scheme to keep her ass from being deported? She already knows I’m a blue personality; she was sitting right there in class when we tested. She knows I’m a sucker! I cry easily at movies, genuine and sincere. We blues want love and feel a deep need for peace. She knows this and plans to use it against me! I’m fucked. For all I know her family back home in Colombia is somehow involved with the Medellin drug cartel and after sucking me in, I’ll be a prisoner to their greed. Sure I get to drive a murdered-out black Ferrari and wear $800 leather shoes, but I’m a complete bitch to the back of her fist. Colombian women are fucking nuts; I’ve seen the movies.

7. She could be after my seed. Studies have proven the ginger gene is depleting and soon enough we will be erased from this earth. My cum is like aged wine that can never be replaced or made with more grapes because those grapes don’t exist! Women are materialistic as fuck and my load is like blood diamonds. There’s only so many. She’s not going to let me wear a condom, are you kidding?! She wants me to shoot diamonds all up in her cunt. She wants my diamond child, just like every other bitch on the planet.

6. She could be a dude. What if I follow through on this mess and reach down in her panties only to find four inches of sweaty limp dick? You would think it would be hard, but it’s not. This poor goddamn shemale is on so many uppers and downers, coke, smack, and Scotch, its dick couldn’t get hard if his/her own life depended on it. Those with sexual identity crisis can’t deal; there aren’t enough drugs in the world to fill that dark hole.

5. I’ll be a scumbag. Only grimy little pieces of shit sneak around sticking their dicks in other men’s wives. I’m legit. I’m not a slimy fuckface. Remember the little green ghost from Ghostbusters? He seemed kind of cool, right? Wrong. That’s the kind of worm that eats out another man’s wife. How are you going to eat out another man’s wife?! He blows loads in that vagina like no tomorrow! You may as well take a shot in the mouth. Another man’s wife’s vagina is like garbage in my eyes.

4. He could be black. If you sleep with a black man’s bitch he will fucking kill you. He’ll shoot your ass in the face. Black men don’t give a fuck about going to prison. Why do you think there are so many in there? Don’t dick around with a black dude or he’ll stick a screwdriver in your chest. I’ve seen Menace II Society, I don’t want O-Dog and A-Wax showing up at my front door talkin’ about I fucked Parnell’s girl. These people are nuts! No pussy is worth dying for unless it’s your wife’s and that’s exactly what I’m talking about. A black man doesn’t even have to be married to his girl. He could have only met her 5 minutes ago, but if you so much as even talk to her, you’re a dead man.

3. She could get pregnant. Now I’m really fucked. Mexican women won’t have abortions—they’re too Catholic (or too stupid.) Kidding. Any kid born out of adultery is going to be a fucked-up kid. Dad resents the little bastard for ruining his life. He’s never around, so the kid either becomes a 17-year-old girl with two kids of her own or a fucked-up degenerate already well on his way to committing his first murder. Or robbery, whatever. Either way, he ends up in jail. I don’t want to have to send his dumbass commissary money every two weeks. Fuckin’ put a hustle together, start doing prison tattoos or some shit. I never even loved your mother! There, I said it. I won’t be there when you get out.

2. God. This motherfucker right here. Does he exist? Is it bullshit? Dude, I don’t know, the only things I know of God are from what I’ve seen on The Simpsons. He seems like a cool dude, but what if I fucked Homer’s wife? I’m sure he would shoot a lightning bolt up my ass. Homer doesn’t deserve that shit and God knows it! They’ve bro’ed out together and here I come sticking my cock in Marge’s ass? Not cool, man. It’s not all donuts and Duff in Springfield. Don’t forget what happened to Maude Flanders. God let her ass get shot in the face with a T-shirt gun and fall to her death. Cartoon characters are supposed to NEVER die. God is a stone-cold gangster. Don’t fuck with him.

1. Performance. What if she catches me on an off day or says something cute with my rod buried deep down inside her? I could blow my shit way too soon. Then I’m a complete bitch in her eyes. I told you that story. I learned my lesson from that shit. It’s cool if you blow it with your girl once or twice because she knows you were just worked up and the clock spring couldn’t possibly be wound back any tighter. It’s time to BLOW! But one can’t be pulling this shit with a random or you look like a scrub, and we all know damn well a girl don’t want no scrub. I’ve heard the song; I know what’s up. Hangin’ out of the passenger side, all that shit. Premature-ejaculate once and it’s over. She’s NOT coming back. I’m way better off avoiding her at all costs and that way she goes on believing being fucked by me would feel like being hit by a cement truck (which is true.) Ha!

So there it is. Not that I needed any reassuring, but those are ten reasons why I won’t have sex with this woman. Blue personalities don’t do shit like that; we’ll wait forever if that’s what it takes to find love. We’re like dogs. Die at our side and we never walk. You’ve seen the Labradors that never leave the other dog’s side after he or she’s been hit by a car. That’s a blue personality.

“Never gonna give you up, no matter how you treat me.”

The Black Keys know.

 

—JESSE ANDREW

 


Comments
  1. phaser says:

    who gives a fuck about performance with a random woman?

  2. okayyyy says:

    It would seem, based upon the first 10 reasons listed here, that you forgot to add that which is most crucial: married or not, she, as a woman, would offer you little in the way of sexual appeal, you tremendously faggoty faggot.

    Seriously, what sort of limp-wristed beta male is worried about his performance with a random married woman? Or finds himself concerned that God might object to his meddling with the sanctity of such a woman’s horrible, shitty marriage?

    Also, are you obsessed with Mexicans or something? They are, hands down, the worst women around, as not a single one has ever read more than a magazine article and their bodies begin around age 25 to lose every trace of femininity, coming more and more, which each passing year, to resemble the curve-less solidity of a can of Goya beans.

  3. John says:

    ^because it’s funny dipshit.

  4. raymes says:

    Super funny at that!

  5. Shoop says:

    Speaking from experience, 10, 9, and 3 are the killers. But in retrospect, I’d totally do it (her) again.

  6. Anonymous says:

    10/10 would read again

  7. master baiter says:

    Almost as ridiculous as the post where the guy thinks the arab fag wanted to push his shit in or whatever. HA. Even if she ever WAS flirting with you, she’s probably not at all interested anymore. She’s just being nice to you because you act like a gayboy. AND you’re a redhead? come on son. We all like to think all kinds of sexy people want to fuck us, suck our cocks, swallow our cum or have us shoot a nice thick hot load inside them. It’s really easy to pretend that’s the reality, but unless you man the fuck up and really put your cock and balls on the line, then it means fuck all.
    Honestly, if you were a real man you’d step up to the plate and take a crack at that. But instead you made a long-ass post of justifications that are just designed to stroke and protect your delicate ego. Put your penis where your mouth is. Try and tap that ass, THEN write us an entry on why it was maybe a mistake. Because outside of that, this is just some sad and flaccid diary entry that you really don’t want attached to your name. Afraid of breaking up a marriage? You’d be doing the guy a fucking favor. Matter of fact, you should hit it, quit it, then send some nice photos to the poor dupe. That’s what a sensitive man would do.

  8. stanky stanky says:

    So you’ve really deluded yourself into thinking that all chicks wanna bang gingers? Um, ok…

  9. The bird whisperer says:

    The only legitimate excuse is #4, that could turn out to be quite the sticky situation were it the case. Who gives a rats petunia if she gets pregs, how would you or her know it wasn’t any other number of guys this tramp has probably cheated on her husband with? Scared about busting too fast? Hate fuck her. Your mind will be too preoccupied with savage vaginal pounding to be nervous about popping off a premie. You know you’ll regret it if you don’t tag that juicy romp.

  10. Calif says:

    When I was single and from 20 to 38 years of age, I definitely had my share and at least 1 or 2 other guys share of women. But I never ever fucked another mans wife. I realized, somehow, maybe my upbringing, it is wrong and totally disgraceful, disrespectful and evil to fuck another’s mans wife. Now, with that said I need to confess this. One summer when I was home (my job allowed me summers off back in the day) visiting my parents and playing golf, tennis, biking, all outdoor stuff, I met this girl who owned a restaurant with her husband, but they were separated, and he moved out of their apartment above the restaurant.

    She kept flirting with me at the restaurant and when I would bump into her in town or at a club. She was this tiny little 5′ 1″ 100 lbs. Italian/American girl. I am also Italian/American so you can see we had something in common and we were both attractive I guess. She was beautiful actually, and I normally didn’t go for small women. It was easy to see and my friends could easily observe also, she wanted something from me. I was not burdened with naïveté concerning what she wanted from me.

    So after numerous accidental bumps into her around town, she convinced me to have some wine with her at a local hotel bar. We had a great time at the bar, as we knew other people there. She said she wanted me to see her apartment above the restaurant. I was feeling pretty good with 2 glasses of wine and agreed to go with her, in her car actually to her place and she drove us there. After we arrived, and she gave me the obligatory tour, I did the rest of the driving for the evening and it was slow, hard, deep, then fast, then slow again. Then all over again in different positions for a total of 2 hours for the evening on our first session together. It truly was great for both of us. I knew she was separated from her husband, but not yet divorced. I felt guilty as there are plenty of single women out there to do what I just did with this not yet divorced woman.

    We did this numerous times that summer but the last time I met with her was at the local hotel bar and after we had a drink and some conversation with some friends, she wanted to get a room. I didn’t question her idea, and got the room. We were all over each other in bed and all of a sudden she sits up with a scared look on her face and says, that’s my husbands bike (motorcycle) that just pulled up outside directly outside our window literally 25 feet from us.

    Her reaction and positive confirmation (she looked through a crack in the blinds ) of the bike owner, her husband she is separate from is right there. At this point, I am worried he might have a gun or at the minimum, someone called him and he knows I am fucking, no royally fucking his ex-to be. But not quite ex-yet. We get dressed and wait a bit for him to pound on our door. When that doesn’t happen after 15 minutes I go and see if he is at the bar drinking with friends. But believe me, I do this in 007 mode and he doesn’t see me. He is at the bar drinking, probably unaware that I had his beautiful little horny wife in doggy style with me pulling on her ponytail as I am shoving in and out of her as hard as I can. Believe me, she was encouraging me to do so and more, that woman was wild and a bunch of fun. Every single time we were together, we had a blast. But can you imagine, after I saw him at the bar, I went straight back to the room and told her what and where he was doing it, she couldn’t get undressed fast enough and was soaking wet. I thought about it for a second and had her moaning a few seconds later. But after that night, I never met with her in private again and I NEVER fucked a married or separated woman again, EVER.

  11. Wilson20072000 says:

    I suppose you are a handsome man. I am surprised why you don’t wanna fuck her ass while that’s what all men want. Before marriage, men at least spend premarital time fucking girls around.

  12. sexy boy says:

    The only legitimate excuse is #4, that could turn out to be quite the sticky situation were it the case. Who gives a rats petunia if she gets pregs, how would you or her know it wasn’t any other number of guys this tramp has probably cheated on her husband with? Scared about busting too fast? Hate fuck her. Your mind will be too preoccupied with savage vaginal pounding to be nervous about popping off a premie. You know you’ll regret it if you don’t tag that juicy romp.

  13. ladies man says:

    hey why didn´t ya fuck dat bitches ass coz dat what all niggas want a qute ass still young why not fuck it up??

  14. Anonymous says:

    Fuck her up, and don’t repent- u FOOL!!!

  15. aries says:

    “He could have only met her 5 minutes ago, but if you so much as even talk to her, you’re a dead man.”

    Yeah, he could have only met her 5 minutes ago your wife,your girlfriend,your sister, sister in-law and so on
    So it means he can have all women.
    Total BS
    Why are’t you going to kill him for the same thing, big pussy?!!

  16. anu thakur says:

    i wnt sexi girl

  17. Anonymous says:

    tosser, the only thing you have a grip of is yourself

  18. munna says:

    Just u leak it and make her happy with diff taste

  19. honey says:

    hi m alone

  20. Farman says:

    I like sexy girl bt I nver get I like sex so much , I want to fuck every time any girl can call me Malaysia no 0060176030515

  21. Horny as hell says:

    Number 7 is BS. Redheads will always be around. It’s dominate gene..

  22. Raw diamond says:

    I think at some point i felt its its correct.but some points are i felt like larger than life….sry baby its not a hollywood film….its reality,..if any woman is not satified wid her husband then she has ofcourse got her own choice(after all its her own life) she can do whatever she wants…..if she is satisfied with any1 then she has full authority to make out & satisfy herself…….woman are free to make their own decesion….even men should not be blamed for fucking married woman…because there is a point where they both needs each other….when 2 weaknees comes together it become strength for them…..

  23. Hookers 'n blow says:

    i see that the general consensus here is that a cheating married woman is not to blame, it is the dude’s fault.

    Touche. sounds about right in this equal society…

  24. Warlock says:

    Fuck my wife and I will go to the ends of this earth looking for you, kill you and devour your soul for all eternity…..

  25. cockboy says:

    i will fuck ur wife warlock wit my cock. she is a good fuck already had her!!!

  26. fucking bull says:

    I I’ll fuck ……… till u die

  27. Anonymous says:

    GOD do exist my friend

  28. Anonymous says:

    Nice post…but you got it all wrong when you talked about the ALMIGHTY GOD your creator & the creator of the universe,in such a despicable manner…

    From your statements,it’s obvious you don’t know God one bit…

    Go get yourself a HOLY BIBLE and studying the infallible word of God…

    Let me leave you this last line: GOD EXISTS AND STIL REMAINS THE SAME TODAY & FOREVER.


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