Posted by
• 01.31.14 11:00 am

That’s me on the right.

Punk rock is a great way to spend your adolescence, but is has some drawbacks when you’re an adult.

For example, having a full back tattoo of a skull-head jellyfish eating Chiang Kai-shek and Fidel Castro enhances your stage presence when you’re screaming into a microphone about anarchy, but the same tattoo makes you feel like a Coney Island freak when you’re at the water park with the kids twenty years later. Punk was about fighting, looking stupid, listening to noise, and being gross. That’s what childhood is all about. Outside of permanent mistakes such as tattoos and ODing on heroin, punk rock is a great way to prepare for fatherhood.

While all teenagers get wasted, punks had this thing where you had to be as disgusting as possible while you got wasted. Puking was considered hilarious, and puking on someone was enough to win you the Mark Twain Award for wit. Young kids barf on your shoulder almost as often as they drool, and the only thing that concerns an old punk dad is when his kid didn’t get a good enough arc on it.

Babies don’t know how to blow their nose so they’ll just sit there bubbling green slime out of their nostrils until the cold goes away. One night when my infant daughter was congested, I put my lips up to her nose and sucked out about a pound of snot before spitting it into the sink. My wife was mortified but my daughter could breathe, and I felt like a great dad. (I didn’t know the Swiss had invented a handy rubber tube that can get it out of there.)

Speaking of gross, we spent almost a decade wearing black shirts covered in barf, dandruff, and snot. As a new dad it’s almost impossible to make it to the office without looking like you slept on the floor of a porn theater. This is embarrassing to many fathers. We don’t care.

Little girls love doing this thing where they divide your hair into a million tiny ponytails with multicolored rubber bands. It’s so hard to get these out that you often have to leave the house looking like Tommy Lee at his most annoying, and that means people on the train laugh. We used to spend hours on our hair trying to look as retarded as possible, so being laughed at is considered an accomplishment.

Ordering tartan bondage pants from London took months of saving and waiting, so when they finally arrived, you never took them off. Skinheads would attack anyone wearing Doc Marten boots, so owning a pair meant you were willing to die for them. So when your daughter is so attached to her red cords that you can only wash them when she’s asleep, you think, “That’s perfectly reasonable.”



  1. corporate hussy says:

    Ode to self.

  2. Samwell says:

    I see that the crotchety old fuck patrol is already on the loose at Taki’s in response. Good article though. Is slam-dancing and moshing the same thing?

  3. The golden days are now the golden years says:

    I gave up on punk when my Mohawk was devastated by male pattern baldness. Now, I listen to McCartney on iTunes. (sigh)

  4. TWalsh2 says:

    Live fast and die young has morphed into live fast, grow old, have kids, raise a family, and hope that your experience in living fast will help make you a good dad. Only difference between our generation growing old and previous generations growing old is that we have to add “get that funnel out of your ass” when yelling at kids to get off our lawn.

  5. Hunter says:

    “10 Reasons Old Punks Make Great Dads” = Gavin McInnes in seven words.

  6. Sniffy says:

    Man, the things I would tell my kids if I had any. 10 great reasons needs one more. #11 You get to raise them on good music instead of them listening to the shrill cries of Bieber and Cyrus.

  7. Marc La Fauce says:

    Moshing was for thrashers and metal heads,we slam danced,there was just a little more love in the way we violently slammed into each other and jumped offstage and caught our friends in return,watch video,youll see the difference between an old Dead Kennedys show and an Anthrax show,the punks are smiling and acting goofy and having fun,except for a couple scowling skinheads bit they were our pals too,and the metal heads are all pissed off looking like they want to kill someone for Satan,lol

  8. Bruce says:

    I fully get the ordering bondage pants from London. I once was so eager for them to arrive that I would stay up late to call the shop in London to inquire if they shipped them. The time difference between British Columbia and London was so that after midnight my time was first thing the next day there, and the long distance charges would be easier to slide past my folks…

  9. Tracy says:

    When was punk about fighting? It was about changing the system,recognising your inner angst, fighting against things not people. It pisses me of when stupid articles pretend they know what punk was/is and preach about it. Punk was a lust for life, an slyernstive view snd lifestyle to the norm. Altering social injustice and some chose to dress outrageously but it wasn’t all about the hair and clothes once a punk always a punk. It’s an deep seated desire for social change, a sub culture that will always prevail. Not a bunch of tattooed losers that fight

  10. Wahwah Girl says:

    Yeah right! Hot Topic is the “Garanimals” for these sorry-assed pseudo punks who are affecting a look only and have no idea what the movement was/is about. They also have zero stones and have no idea where to get them if they’re not on a shelf somewhere at the mall. Come see me, I’ll show you what bondage pants are REALLY for…

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