Posted by
Jesse Andrew
• 06.29.12 09:00 am


10. Don’t ever fuck her again.
Unless you were dating a simpleminded whore, sex for women is all about connecting, and clearly your dumb ass hasn’t been connecting with her or she wouldn’t have dumped you. Trying to fuck her at this point is only going to prove what a shithead you are. Plus you’re going to be so goddamn happy to be back inside her, you will more than likely blow your load in three seconds. So no fucking! The best possible situation is to let her be and hopefully she’ll sleep with a dude even worse than you are. Hopefully she will feel like a cheap, lonely whore and come crawling back, finally realizing how good she had it with you. It sounds good to me. No fucking! Let some other drunken idiot blow his load on her thigh and in the process make her want to vomit. She’ll be back in no time!

9. No texting.
Write her number down somewhere and then go delete it from your phone. This will ensure no drunken text messages (trust me, you look like a desperate asshole), and your mind will remain at ease because you know her number is safe at home in case you ever need it. This sounds silly, but it works. Deleting her number completely will only fuck with you mentally because we both know you’re not the edgy “I don’t give a fuck about anything” person you’re trying to be. Cutting her off completely will put you in panic. Leave her number somewhere but never use it. Soon enough you’ll be trashing that shit and truly not giving a fuck. Plus the fact you’re not contacting her is the best thing you can do if you want her to miss you. Bitches want what they can’t have and you’re proving you don’t want her.

8. No memorial jack sessions.
All you want to do is jerk off to every time you ever had sex with her, but don’t. Get on the Internet and find slammin’ hot sluts doing everything your girlfriend would never do with you. Maybe she was against doing butt stuff? In that case jump on the Internet and find the prettiest girls you’ve ever seen in your life abusing their assholes. Or maybe your chick wouldn’t give you a blowjob? WTF? You should have dumped her ass a long time ago, but the same rule applies: Find beautiful girls being gagged and deep-throated until the mascara is running down their tear-streaked cheeks and their face looks like its been held underwater. This is no time for feelings. Fuck feelings. This is FUCKING and fucking only. Jerking off to a slow bone with your ex will only make you want to commit suicide, and dudes that clip themselves over chicks are forever seen as huge pussies. Absolutely no one will respect you at the funeral. No jacking off to ex-girlfriends!

7. Take care of personal hygiene.
Shave, wipe your ass, and put together a clean outfit. Don’t look like a brokenhearted loser because chances are you will see her. Karate men bleed on the inside and although you’re dying inside, make sure you look legit on the outside. This way if you do in fact see her, she’ll be like “Oooooooh, I wanna suck that guy’s dick!!!” Looking like shit will only confirm that’s what you are. I know it sounds gay, but looking good makes you feel good. Don’t wallow around in your own misery; you’re not a pig and this isn’t shit. Fuckin’ pull it together and dress like man who’s getting laid tonight (even though you will more than likely go home drunk and bawling your eyes out), but no one needs to know that.

6. No sluts for a week.
Try not to fuck anyone immediately. Stick to jacking off for a week. Maybe you get back together and the fact you instantly poked your dick in some random hole isn’t going to sit well with your chick. Give it one week. After that you can fuck. A breakup isn’t real until a week has passed because until then it’s no more than a serious fight and only shitheads fuck other girls in this time. Give it one week! After that you can go rail the slammin’ hot bartender you’ve been jacking off to for the past seven months. Is jacking off to other girls while in a relationship cheating? Of course not. Don’t be a dumbass.

5. Avoid Facebook.
Fucking Facebook. Ugh, I hate that this shit has become so involved in everything, but it has. You’re going to spend hours looking at her profile, investigating what pictures she’s commented on, and desperately searching for any clues of her fucking somebody else. I know, because I’m just as fucking guilty of this nonsense. It’s not healthy, so here’s the rule: delete YOURS. Don’t worry, you can get it all back at a later date—Facebook saves this shit, but for now you’re over it. If anyone asks why, tell them you’re trying to read more. Be more creative with your free time and wage a war against procrastination. Anyone who argues with that statement is a fucking moron. Right now you’re all about liberating yourself from the constant stalking Facebook offers the brokenhearted.

4. Booze.
Fuck yeah! Is there anything more enjoyable than going out to the bar when experiencing relationship problems? Yes of course, I can think of about a thousand, but it’s still pretty fun (unless you’re an unstable drunk). If drinking leads to a murder/suicide don’t do it, but there’s nothing wrong with getting shithoused drunk on Sunday night, calling in sick Monday morning and laying around on your fat ass eating pizza all day. Celebrate gluttony like it’s your birthday—you deserve it. Go to poetry readings, see bands play, visit art shows, and be drunk through it all—just get the fuck out of your apartment. Use taxis, ride with friends, use common sense and be smart, but be sauced. Eventually you’ll wake up and think to yourself, “Enough is enough, it’s time to get back to my life.”

3. Avoid mutual friends.
The less she knows about you the better (never let her stop guessing). Hanging out with mutual friends only leads to conversation centered around the current sitch and you eventually contacting her. Those aren’t your friends anyway; they’re spies working for the other team. Showing them how heartbroken you truly are will only lead to a smile on your ex-girlfriend’s face, so fuck that. Men have too much pride for this shit. If she’s gone, they’re gone. Avoid her friends and yours too if they still bend to her will.

2. Don’t stalk her new man.
Sure you can go fuck three different chicks in one weekend, but the second she finds a new dick, your world is over. Goodbye sleeping, goodbye food—hello cigarettes, hello booze! Knowing some other dude is sticking his fat cock in your ex-girlfriend’s tight pussy is enough to make you want to kill Jesus. One million crazy thoughts will pass through your mind, and here’s the rule: Do nothing. Chucking a brick through her bedroom window isn’t going to help matters and slashing his tires won’t make him disappear. It only makes you look like a tool who can’t deal. All you can do is pray he gets her pregnant right off the bat and in turn destroys the entire relationship. You’re praying to whatever God you believe in that this dude is an insensitive prick because if not, you don’t exist. Just like Marty McFly disappearing in the photograph, you’re gone.

1. Don’t take her back.
If she doubted you once, she will for the rest of her life. Shake her ass and break her ass! Kick that bitch to the curb. Couples that break up once will break up again, so don’t waste your time. Chances are she won’t come back until the minute you’re finally over it (women are great at this), and allowing her to pull this shit only proves you have no backbone and she’s fucking a jellyfish. She will walk all over you for the rest of your life. Never forget there are other beautiful slammin’ hot sluts in the sea and this bitch isn’t a fish at all—she’s a worm trolling for men she can use.

Yay!

You’re a man and them be the rules of breaking up with a chick. Follow these shits and you’ll be a hero among other dumped men. They will now have someone to look up to and all of their ex-girlfriends will want to fuck you.

 

—JESSE ANDREW

 

 


Comments
  1. MillsBills says:

    Terrific

  2. kittikat says:

    this guy should be castrated by his government.

  3. “Don’t fuck her ever again” is really the best advice all around.

  4. tommy gun says:

    this is all pretty sound but i would say a rando hate fuck or two with your ex is permissible. particularly if you already fucking someone else and you know you aren’t’ going to fall for her again

  5. raymes says:

    dudes go cray when the breakup hits and this is the best advice i’ve read for it. bookmarked.

  6. comic book guy. says:

    funniest thing on here in months. cheers.

  7. lolatu says:

    “Don’t fuck her ever again” sure easy for you to say, but what if she shows up at your door at 8am with croissants and cappucinos and says she just wants a quickie no strings attached?

  8. @lolatu says:

    it means she’s lying

  9. nemesis says:

    Sorry, but you have to hope that the new guy pounding her is an insecure nice guy, not an insensitive prick. Girls are likely to fall for insensitive pricks and enjoy the hot sex much more


Leave A Reply