Posted by
Gavin
• 07.31.10 09:00 am


After 39 years of not being 40, I decided to give it a try. Being two score is unlike anything before it so I feel it would be prudent to warn you about a few things…


Moshing to Cerebral Ballzy at my 40th Birthday Party

After 39 years of not being 40, I decided to give it a try. Being two score is unlike anything before it so I feel it would be prudent to warn you about a few things…


More moshing dads. We had forgotten how fucking exhausting it is and collapsed soon after.

1- YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT PEOPLE THINK
In my late 20s, I asked a cab driver what it was like to be 40 because that’s what he was. “It’s real mellow, buddy” he responded in his funny accent, “You don’t vorry so much.” As an angry young man, I had a lot of trouble understanding how you could not give a shit what people think. “What if someone came up to your window right now and called you an asshole?” I asked. “I vould say, ‘Oh my’” he said, “then vind up the vindow and drive off.” Before I could question his manhood, he added, “Now, if it vas ten or twenty years ago I vould get out of this cab and say, ‘vat did you say moderfucker?’ and stuff like these – but now. Nothing. It’s not vorth it.”

I finally get what he was talking about. I’m precious cargo. I can’t be endangering my kid’s father just because some irrelevant psycho is in a bad mood. Sticks and stones still break your bones when you’re 40 but unless it’s a peer giving constructive criticism, you honestly don’t give a tenth of a pube what people think.

Which brings me to another point. You become a lot less critical of other people’s work when you’ve actually done some of your own. Hey, Friends was on for 10 years. I never got a show on the air. Cox does not suck. O.A.R. sound queer to me but they sell 80,000 tickets a night and I can’t even play the guitar. Good for them. Not to get all Baz Luhram on your ass but: The more you accomplish, the less you trivialize other’s accomplishments.

2- PISSING IS WEIRD
Dostoevsky once said, “No matter how you shake your peg, the last wee drop runs down your leg.” You could helicopter-shake that thing with the centrifugal force of an astronaut initiation and – bloop – a yellow drop comes out the second you place it in your underwear.
I’ve even tried faking it out and pretending I’m done shaking to see what happens but he waits until he’s positive there’s cotton there and then barfs out a drop. There’s a generation gap between you and your dink at this age and he will do everything in his power to fuck up your shit.


For the most part, women and men separate at grown-up parties.

3- YOU NO LONGER HAVE GAME
I have ran into women that I used to defile (and I mean d-e-f-i-l-e) in my single days but when I talk to them now, I sound like the dude from The Wonder Years holding in a fart. After you’re married, women become human beings for the first time ever and it’s like meeting another species. “Um, hello, do you like music?” You can try flirting but with nothing to back it up, you come across as a pugilist in a wheelchair.

This is the nature of marriage. In 1978, Lee Gratton told me, “When you get married you get to see your wife’s tits whenever you want.” He was right. Only, it’s your best friend’s tits. You don’t have any game when you’re married because you’re in a new universe of love and to talking to Fuck U’s alma mater feels like going to a preschool reunion.

4- NEWSPAPERS MAKE YOU FURIOUS
In your 20s, you have to force yourself to read the paper. In your 30s, it finally gets interesting and each article reads like your favorite book. By your 40s, you’re actually smarter and more experienced than most of the authors and you catch yourself crumpling the sides going, “Why are all these buttwipes saying Mark Ruffalo’s terrible new movie is so great? Just because there’s gays in it? What a bunch of fags.”

5- YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR LAWN
Bill Hicks has a bit where he says, “What is it about men where they wake up one day caring about their lawn?” Then he talks about dads walking around in a bathrobe with their balls hanging out and yelling, “Who wants sausages? I’m makin’ sausages for breakfast?” These quotes have gone from comedic banter to a documentary about my life. I care so much about my lawn, I wish it had a birthday so I could buy it presents. I even have dreams about the bald spots. Scotts EZ Seed is way better for patches than that stupid pulp shit they sell but if you’re in an area with a lot of pines, you’re going to have to lime the shit out of it before any seeding solutions – and do it in the fall so it gets soaked in as the snow melts. Hey, where’d everybody go?

6- CONSTRUCTION IS FASCINATING
What young men consider a noisy nuisance is a giant bowl of eye candy to a 40-year-old. “Oh they’re using those planks made out of recycled bags” you think as you peer through the fence, “Those are way too slippery for a deck.” You’ll also catch yourself worried about foundations and insulation and even asking carpenters what particular brand of thread lock they use.


Before and after

7- COUNTRY MUSIC SOUNDS COOL
25 years ago, if you told me I’d get chills from hearing Willie Nelson and Toby Keith sing about feeding alcoholic beverages to a horse, I’d ask you what a time traveler is doing going to punk shows and talking to little kids.
What used to sound like hillbillies yawning over unplugged guitars, now sounds like a soothing pile of heartfelt stories I could listen to all night. I still like Southern rap and anarcho-punk but it’s now tempered with heaping portions of Merle Haggard.

8- HANGOVERS BECOME INTENSE
Fuck foxholes. Trying finding an atheist in an old man’s hangover. I have sat there with my head in the toilet for hours explaining to Jesus why I’ve never been to church and swearing to his dad I will start this Sunday. Cross my heart and literally hope to die because that would be an improvement over this parade of gut-wrenching, head pounding, dry heaves.
Here’s how 40-year-old hangovers usually go: When you wake up, it feels like a Transformer took a shit in your head. Then nausea grips your whole body like a barf snowsuit and your skin feels like a doctor accidentally gave an AIDS patient chemotherapy. This lasts, without respite, until you go to bed and is even kind of there the following morning. I would love to party as hard as I used to but Pavlov won’t allow it, so, that’s it. I didn’t quit drugs. Drugs quit me.

9- YOUR PERVERSIONS ADVANCE
As a fellow old person recently put it, “I went out with a girl who had droopy tits when I was 20 and I wasn’t into it but I sure wouldn’t mind fucking with them right now!”
For young men, it can be shocking to see how gigantic a woman’s ass gets in her 40s but when you get here you’re like, “More dessert please.” Queefs, butt hairs, blemishes and even a faint whiff of poo are all more grist for the fuck mill and you finally understand why Napoleon forbade Josephine from showering the week before he got home. The previous You looks like a vagina-phobic metrosexual in comparison. While this is happening, scantily-clad girls go from sluts you catcall to young ladies who had better get a coat on or they are going to catch the death of a cold.

10- THE PARTY’S OVER
Well, it’s not “over” per se. It’s just drastically different. With all due respect to doing coke in the basement of Lit with Paul Sevigny all night, that’s no longer my idea of a good time. I mean, it was real, it was fun, but it wasn’t real fun and although I wouldn’t trade those days for the world, I just traded them in for a whole new world. Honestly, if two decades of decadence doesn’t get your Ya Yas out, you have some serious emotional baggage.

Today, two thirds of my roommates came out of my soul mate’s genitals and that means I feel a much stronger bond with them than someone with similar tattoos and the same taste in music. I still get high but it goes like this: Getting a drawing from my daughter feels like doing a bump. Hearing my son say “Take dat Beezo” after punching his Bozo Bop Bag makes me laugh like I just smoked a bowl. Having a baby fall asleep on your chest feels like heroin. Seeing a little kid fly his first kite is as exciting as amphetamines and building a Lego robot that takes all evening feels better than a Maker’s on the rocks next to a perfectly poured Guinness.

I’m not saying anyone should skip the party stage. It’s just that I’ve seen 15 friends live fast and die young because they took, “I hope I die before I get old” more seriously than The Who. Hey dead guys, there’s a whole other universe out there after the party phase and it makes all the other phases look like they were just a phase. I’m pouring out some of my beer for you – but not too much.

A toast: To the bliss of matrimony and the joys of Fatherhood. Salut!


Auld lang syne my ass.

-GAVIN McINNES


Comments
  1. farts says:

    this was funny! and touching awwwwwwww

  2. rhoda says:

    So # 1 means you basically become a hippie?

  3. Kennedy says:

    You had me until the butt hair fetish.

  4. DeadSerious says:

    That first photo is epic, I bet Insufficient Fare was playing.

  5. wyatt says:

    I’m with you on this one, Gavin.

  6. Adam says:

    Fucking awesome blog dude! Very touching indeed.

  7. naked sailor says:

    sell-out old-fart already-dead organized-sports

  8. Canadave says:

    Number ten was rad. But I totally get what you mean when you say “a wiff of poo”. It’s some primal shit, no?

  9. Anonymous says:

    I really like this

  10. Mentat says:

    Failed to mention bulk fiber — integral element of happiness of life past age 35. it’s the shit! puuuuuuuuun…

  11. man says:

    man you’re trying to justify no longer being cool and in your mid-20s REALLY hard, huh? no worries buddy.

  12. Vane$$a says:

    thanks for honoring my request!

  13. Savvy says:

    Well f*cking said. I am always impressed with your writing, never fails to make me laugh. One day I’ll steal all these phenomenally strung together words. I’m only 20 right now but by the time I have amassed the experience and quick wit to back them up you’ll likely be dead or too old to remember having even said them. Don’t take that the wrong way, morbid flattery though it may be, I merely want to you to know that you’re by far one of the sharpest mother f*ckers I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting. You’ve a lucky family.

    “That was always the difference between Muhammad Ali and the rest of us. He came, he saw, and if he didn’t entirely conquer – he came as close as anybody we are likely to see in the lifetime of this doomed generation.”
    -Hunter S. Thompson

    I think this also applies to you Gavin McInnes. Bravo

  14. super ghetto child says:

    “Having a baby fall asleep on your chest feels like heroin”- so having a child will help me kick suboxone? if this if forty- fifty must rule?

  15. FutureMan says:

    when I turned 15, I thought of what I was like at 10 and realized that back then I didn’t know anything, but was pretty close to figuring it out. When I turned 20, I thought of my 15-year-old self and realized what an idiot he was; thankfully I smartened up. When I turned 30 I knew that the 20-year-old-me was dumb as nails but the intervening 10 years gave me what I needed to know. When I turned 40. . .

    this happens until you die

  16. BrooklynChimp says:

    Good shit.

  17. fredMS says:

    im all these things and im turning 21 except my dick still works.

  18. Pudge says:

    Happy birthday Gavin. Give me a party and I’m raging for a night, teach me to party and I’m raging for a lifetime.

  19. miss appalachian says:

    your arms look good

  20. Eine Kleine Arsemusik says:

    Is that dude in #3 wearing a hospital gown?

  21. hagenshape says:

    The stuff about kids is touching. I also admire your ability to write an article that is both sentimental and sweet about children but also about your unabashed love of the female butthole. Bravo!

  22. ty says:

    Still a kid to me, Jr.

  23. dip says:

    Pretty great all the way around. I’m in my late 20’s and started doing recreational blow a few years back (late bloomer?). I’ve slid my cock into a decent amount of nationalities, woke up in complete unaware of my surroundings or doings of the previous 12 hours, seen friends die, and have lived about 95% of my life so far the way I want to. I always figured my mid-thirties would bring my now-near brimming acceptance of marriage, kids, and not doing recreational blow (also which has commenced in the basement of Lit) to ease my way into 40. Glad to see you living my life, Happy Birthday.

  24. YA MA HA says:

    happy birthday gavin, I hope your heart doesn’t explode like joe strummer’s later this year. you seem like one of those assholes who coke probably made healthier for the long run in the manor of a T O N I C (the band mang the band

    ps any wonder why david cross is hitting 40 and being such a little bitch about it? the man’s looked 40 for 20 years for fucksaeke

  25. Anon says:

    i love me some 35-40 year old men. but i prefer the immature ones who still party like they’re 25.

  26. seth putnam says:

    “Call Me” by Merle Haggard is a great fucking song, I don’t care how old you are.

  27. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa says:

    jesus im starting to think its not this site’s decline in quality, its my decline in adequate expectations to what is funny and what matters

    what im trying to say is that this is not funny, nor does it matter what you think, gavin.

  28. @ Eine says:

    lol I thought the same thing. What is going on there?

  29. archie says:

    hey, this was pretty good.
    a MUCH better way to age gracefully (a theme you were always good at talking about btw) than all of this inelegant, anti-PC, straw man nonsense you keep posting.

  30. ZOGISTAN says:

    The only way to get it typed out is to try and be interested in it and make it seem fresh, but this article is everywhere. It’s not different from the anti-pc straw man posts that contradict many readers, but it’s happier, so it challenges them less. The real get off my lawn is when your kids ask you why the older generation says you care about your kids more, while not caring about the environment.

  31. Anonymous says:

    Being a mature adult and a good parent and husband is so lame.

  32. Frank DeFalco says:

    What if I’m 40, single, and no kids? I can still party, right?

  33. super ghetto child says:

    listen to merle haggard- you should listen to Larry Hosford as well!
    WORD!

  34. Awesome- thanks!

  35. Vane$$a says:

    where did you get your khakis?

  36. felicia says:

    that was awesome. Happy Birthday Gavin

  37. things you can’t do as you get older: 1. have diet coke or any other caffeinated beverage at night. 2. get poison ivy. nature says so

  38. d-bo says:

    moshing? alone. on grass. that’s old.

  39. d-bo says:

    also Q: what’s whiter than sounding like a gay 80’s punk band? A: being in a gay 80’s sounding punk band. 2010. get a sampler.

  40. christi bradnox says:

    Wait. Did Gavin just come out of the sober closet? This article makes it sound like you don’t touch anything anymore. That ain’t true.

  41. Barl says:

    more toilet fart volume

  42. Anonymous says:

    “Honestly, if two decades of decadence doesn’t get your Ya Yas out, you have some serious emotional baggage.”

    David Cross?

  43. MZR says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE!

  44. Shomov says:

    Other than the bit about liking a “faint whiff of poo,” I can’t relate to any of this. And I’m old.

    Parents sure are a self-congratulatory lot.

  45. annie says:

    jeans dude

  46. white power says:

    i ain’t as good as i once was. but i’m as good once as i ever was. happy birthday, man.

  47. WaxwingSlain says:

    grown ass men don’t have their favorite band play at their birthday party. Gavin the man child writing about what its like to be a grown up.

  48. Dirk the Faggot says:

    I could tell you’re 40 by your boring ass blog. YAW-N

  49. rjb says:

    Happy birfday old man!

  50. Anonymous says:

    faggot

  51. Radge Vadge says:

    that was sweet…

  52. Vane$$a says:

    i’ll think about it when i’m 40

  53. Frenchy says:

    faggot

  54. Davis says:

    Ha. Same old shit.

    “I’m over 30 so you’re not allowed to do all this shit anymore.” – G-Mac

    “Now I’m 40 so absolutely nobody is allowed to have fun anymore.” – G-Mac

  55. grumpy old man says:

    is there a Canadian yakuza?

  56. Courtney says:

    Word… happy birthday Gavin!

  57. skull front says:

    people need to realize they are trapped in perpetual youth for corporate profit.
    teenagers are easily separated from their money. manipulation to keep you a consuming customer moron. sniff glue

  58. Drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    @skull front: What is that, a shitty poem?

  59. Hijodeput says:

    Other few things about turning 40:
    You don’t look good clean shaven and you can’t wear loud colors and forget about caps.
    Btw, im 19

  60. Eide says:

    skol.

  61. Borscht says:

    I know all about the Transformers.

  62. […] the other hand, I also stumbled across Gavin McIness’ recent post about turning 40. It is classic Gavin McInnes, rife with refences to sex, booze, punk rock and poo. The gist of the […]

  63. a4426978 says:

    I’ve said that least 4426978 times. The problem this like that is they are just too compilcated for the average bird, if you know what I mean


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