Posted by
• 03.29.13 01:30 am

If my kids turned out to be gay, I’d say, “Oh great, there go my grandchildren” and move on.

But if my son turned out to be the guy at The New York Times who covered modern dance, I would lie in the bath and dig a razor blade into my wrists so deep, you’d think there were vaginas living there. And if my daughter ever moved to LA, I’d send her my head in a box. Los Angeles is to life what New York City is to a woman’s ovaries. It’s an elephant’s graveyard where stupid losers go to die. Here are 10 reasons why.

If they’re not going to an audition, they wear floppy sweatpants that scrape along the ground, worn-out flip-flops, and a tank top that doesn’t fit. They carry around tiny dogs as if they were purses. Their hair is ratty and dyed blonde and they’re always smoking a cigarette like a guy in jail hoping not to get caught. Even cool people in LA dress terribly. They either look like dads dressed up as hipsters for Halloween or giant babies who have been locked in the grunge closet since 1993. I think this is because they never go out, so they never have a New Yorker goin’, “Where you goin’?

Beverly Hills is hilly, Venice is a nice homeless beach, and Santa Monica is a pretty place for gays to eat lunch, but the rest of it consists of highways, byways, and billboards. All you do in LA is drive and it’s amazing to be in a car for nine hours and see nothing but billboards for The Voice next to ratty palm trees and abandoned carpet stores. Does anyone live in this city?

I’ve always thought that people who live under communism slowly lose their souls. LA is worse. The place is so sprawled-out, grabbing a beer means going to jail for drinking and driving. You’re left with no choice but to stay indoors, unemployed and alone. For a city virtually made of cars, you can’t get around. If you’re in Venice and you need to get downtown, you had better wait until 10AM after the traffic dies. When you’re there, you had better get out before 3PM or you won’t be able to get back to Venice until 6PM. Your whole day revolves around these tiny windows of unclogged freeways and that means you’d be lucky to squeeze in more than two meetings a day. Trying to socialize is futile. I met a Jewish guy there who grew up near West Hollywood, and he said he never bothered making black or Hispanic friends because he knew a regular commute to East LA would be impossible.

Every time you ask someone in LA what they’re working on, it’s always the same pilot from last year and it’s always the only thing they’re doing. A pilot is about 40 pages. That should take a day to write and maybe six days to shoot. What are you doing for the other 51 weeks, masturbating? How can you afford it? We’re told film is their biggest export, but when I check the OnDemand on my TV, I’ve seen everything. There’s only about a new movie a month on that thing. There are almost four million people in Los Angeles and they can only give me 12 movies a year? Costa Rica has the same population and they give us 200 million pounds of coffee a year. Get to work, you fucking flakes.

What is this, Zorro? You can paint the cinderblock walls of your home orange and have illegals plant all the exotic trees you want, you’re still living in the same cement house they use to hand out free condoms in Mexico. What was Randy Newman talking about?

Why are you hugging me? Was I lost at sea for seven months? Are you my twin sister? You hug your kids because you want to wrap your arms around their funny little torsos. You hug your wife because she likes that and it may lead to something after the kids go to bed, but I don’t hug my friends’ friends. People in LA don’t just hug you. They squeeze the shit out of you and hold it there. I find the only way to get these bitches away from me is to put up my hand for a high five but when you do that, they look at you like leprosy is back. Sorry, hugging someone you don’t know screams, “I’m full of shit” so loudly, it’s even more insulting than calling someone a leper.






  1. Kristopher Smale says:

    LA local here. Yes, parts of LA suck hard. But overall, it’s pretty alright. You can ride a motorcycle 12 months of the year, and split lanes on the freeway. It’s an hour an half to a ski hill, 30 minutes to decent beaches, and an hour from the desert. Cool shit happens here and it isn’t hard to find.

    You can find shit you hate about any city you live in. I was in NY for 5 years. I don’t miss the smell of piss/garbage in the summer, the awfulness called winter in a big city, and I don’t miss the housing. A good deli and pizzeria would be nice in LA.

    NY’ers love to hate LA. LA people don’t hate on NY, just NY’ers. It’s okay, your dick is bigger, it’s fine we’re cool with it, just keep it in your pants your smugness is a buzz kill.

  2. WaxWingSlain says:

    Its every father’s dream that their sons become alternative comedy bloggers. NOT!

  3. Kennedy says:

    Battle Los Angeles was shot entirely in Shreveport and Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Try shutting down freeways in Los Angeles for an entire Sunday to shoot an apocalyptic action scene. Shreveport was all, “go right ahead.”

  4. Ecgtheow says:

    Funny. This is pretty much spot on, but the criticism from outsiders is usually the same. I’m convinced the only possible way to have derived or derive a pleasurable experience in L.A. is to be from there. I’m a native turned transplant but still carry many fond memories of my summers in the Valley playing baseball or football in the street. One of my cousins would always try to lead me head on into an oncoming car when I ran a fly route. We’d buy a soda and carne asada tacos from the truck that always came by around the same time each day, driven by Jorge. My favorite was when our big black neighbor Bruce would roll up in his 77 Electra, with all his windows including the windshield utterly and illegally tinted, bumping N.W.A. or Dr. Dre’s The Chronic. If we weren’t playing ball, my eldest cousin would drive us out to the Mojave to hike and kill rattlers or baby rattlers (the most venomous) with our slingshots. Then, of course, you had the beach. No one intelligent would swim in the water off Santa Monica, which is why you’ll find mostly illegals swimming there. Venice? Maybe. You go to Zuma or Ventura or the South Bay. Speaking of the South Bay, it’s a great place to find pussy. If you start in Manhattan and head south through Hermosa and Redondo and can’t get lucky, it’s hopeless for you. This is all outside L.A. county, of course, but it’s where one must go to stand a chance of a good time. If you’re not a millionaire, don’t bother with Malibu or Calabasas (not a problem for Gavin). You’ll get depressed quick.

  5. Obama says:

    this article speaks more about you than los angeles. there are plenty of non-douchey regular people out here. apparently you only came across the shitty hollywood trash. You must have been doing something pretty boring or have some crappy friends. Stay outta LA. Shit, go back to Canada as far as I’m concerned.

  6. brocephus says:

    You forgot to mention that LA is FULL of trolls.

  7. cook says:

    If you have gay children it is still easy for them to have children via artificial insemination.

  8. Jus sayin' says:

    LA – the only place I know where going out for coffee is treated like a special event.

  9. brendan donnelly says:

    you left out how people buy cars and figure out how to drive them. pretty sure no one here has been to drivers ed, they just drive how they feel that day

  10. SB says:

    I am a nobody. Therefore I have no right to criticise anyone or anything.

  11. Adam Levine says:

    I dumped a model for another model

  12. Live & Die in Hell A says:

    This is really uninformed. It reads like it was written by a Canadian expat who was in town for the weekend.

  13. gol fball says:

    all the people are phonies, nobody reads, everything has cilantro on it…

  14. Ecgtheow says:

    ^Yea, Futurama.

  15. durka durka jihad says:

    Gavin is great when he writes stuff like this. Can we get the fuck away from the politics for just a little bit?

  16. phaser says:

    i’m with durka durka jihad!

  17. H. SCOTT says:

    I’m back and forth between NY and LA a bit so I can laugh and agree with some of this. The elephant in the room in NY is that the yuppies are really winning the war there. LA has some sewage in it’s veins, certainly. But at least there is some semblance of a creative class left in town. NY has the poor, the very young, the very rich. But the majority masses in NY are yuppies who went to Middlebury or some shit, wear pink shorts and talk about what bakery has the most a-mazing bread right now. “Have you tried the truffle burger at _______ sooo good!” In NYC there are literally hordes of grown men discussing cupcakes right this second. They argue about that shit and agree to disagree. I love NY and can’t wait to get back but this is sad. I would make a rule, no grown man can move to NY without having been in a fist fight at least once. I can’t wait to get back to NY even as I type this, but I would prefer the dreamer class in LA over the types that ruined “NoHo” or whatever the fuck formerly exciting neighborhood they recently invaded.

  18. albert says:

    No mention of the tuberculosis out break on skid row, ronald reagan true legacy, how about the radioactive waste washing up on beaches. the only thing that has changed in la is the color of the stucko. Another big city where there are pockets of obscene wealth surrounded by poverty.

    the real sad story is that 3 states are vying for water rights to the colorado river and its drying up. the truth of la and all big citys is the only thing that seperates people is money , just as intented.

  19. a says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts about a. Regards

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