Posted by
Quinn Conway
• 06.29.10 12:00 pm


1. HAVING NERD HOBBIES The right hobbies can let a girl know you’re an interesting guy with a broad range of interests. The right hobbies are photography, DJing, playing guitar, and that’s about it.

1. HAVING NERD HOBBIES
The right hobbies can let a girl know you’re an interesting guy with a broad range of interests. The right hobbies are photography, DJing, playing guitar, and that’s about it. If you spend your weekends making your own crossword puzzles or writing Babylon 5 fan fiction, keep that shit under your hat. Take all your D&D manuals and bidey-oh games and Magic the Gathering cards and hide them in a box (label it “Civil War Books” so no girl ever opens it). However, if you ignore this and do end up with a girl who for some reason likes the same shit you do, make sure you’re not…

2. READING TOO MUCH INTO IT
So you went on a date/she talked to you/you were in an elevator with her and she didn’t hold a knife to your throat. You’re not used to success, so this feels great. Ignore that feeling. Don’t let your desperation confuse lack of evident failure with success. This is how nerds get false confidence and start to COME ON STRONG, which to women looks like a giant boner wearing glasses.

3. HAVING NERD FRIENDS
Nerds experience a lot of rejection, so they’re naturally sensitive about it. This means that they have a hard time excluding people, and end up hanging out with the absolute bottom of the friendship barrel. When I was in high school, there was one guy in my circle of nerd friends who wrote erotic stories about being cooked and eaten by giant women. You have to draw the line somewhere. Think of your circle of friends as the A-Team: You need a funny one, a leader to come up with plans for Friday night, a guy who has a nice car, and a big black guy who hates flying. If you don’t bring anything to the table, you’re off the team.

4. CARING
The thing about the Socs was that they were so used to catching all the breaks that they never acted like they cared. That got them a lot of pussy. The thing about the Greasers was that they hated the system and couldn’t give less of a fuck. That netted a fair bit of pussy. The thing about the nerds is that there are no nerds in The Outsiders because nobody gives a shit about people who give a shit and are constantly “on” in social situations.

5. BEING A FAKE FEMINIST
This is a form of sexual Stockholm Syndrome in which nerds get so frustrated that they start blaming themselves and, by extension, their gender. No girl has ever been impressed by a guy that knows who Andrea Dworkin is, let alone one who “understands where she’s coming from.”

6. BEING A REAL MISOGYNIST
Some women actually like it when a guy drops some sexist Andrew Dice Clay material in front of them. It reminds them of their asshole dads. However, nerds don’t have the balls to do this. They’ll be incredibly sweet in person and then say the most vile, Ted Bundy shit imaginable when she’s out of earshot. Girls know that you’re doing this. I don’t know how, but they do, and it is sexual ipecac. Ironically, this is often the same guy as the fake feminist.

7. BEING NICE
This is cliched, but it bears repeating. You know who’s nice and very polite? Foreigners who don’t speak the language. It’s “por favor this” and “por favor that” until the cows come home. They’re nice because they have to be in order to navigate situations in which they’re way out of their depth. The same is true for nerds. Women aren’t impressed with Nice unless it’s the city in France (women also love corny Carrie Bradshaw bullshit like that joke.)

8. TAKING ADVICE FROM WOMEN
These are trade secrets, of course they’re going to tell you the exact opposite of the truth. Also, don’t take advice from good-looking men. They get away with shit that would get you arrested.

9. SELF-DEPRECATION
This shit only works for people who are already confident. If there’s even a slight chance that the thing you’re deprecating yourself about could be an actual character flaw, you’re done for.

10. BREATHING
Give it up, you fucking nerd.

-QUINN CONWAY


Comments
  1. 9 is mine and yeah they really seem to not find it funny or admirable really at all

  2. Zippy says:

    11. Try to keep the pee moons, sweat stained armpits and poopy pants at home and not out in public display. And for many of them, this is a monumental task.

  3. yikes says:

    “Also, don’t take advice from good-looking men. They get away with shit that would get you arrested.”

    True.

  4. Salad says:

    What about

    >Make A LOT of money.

    Are women still into that? Oh wait, yes,they are.

    IF you looked like dude in caption with two pocket protectors and had a couple mil, you would be rocking 9’s.

    The difference between a whore and a trophy wife is pretty fine line.

  5. @salad says:

    Agreed , women=sex objects. men = success objects. This advice means nothing if money is in the mix.

  6. You know, either way says:

    I dunno. Nerds as you imagine them don’t really exist much. Hardcore nerds are so fucking Aspergers that they don’t give a shit about this stuff. Like, if you un-ironically own a pocket protector, you aren’t going to notice any ladies off of a screen until you accidentally marry your lab partner.

    But… 10 was funny. And also 8.

    Have you ever turned into, like, the pet of a girl who’s way out of your league, because you’re “cute”? … me neither. But I imagine that would just be the worst.

  7. Taeil says:

    Why didn’t you make this list when I was 14?

  8. Dr. Fate says:

    of course if you pay attention to this, you are a nerd …

  9. Mike says:

    I have consummated this up completely. I thought I was a geek. Turns out I’m a fucking nerd. I have done all these things, and I suspect the author has as well.

  10. ew says:

    #6 is the fucking key. the guys who can’t get girlfriends are the ones who continue to think that men and women are completely different animals. i’m not even saying this from a feminist-y, respect-y way even, just remember that she probably thinks and acts a lot more like you than you expect, and treat her as such.

    personally as a girl i assume all nerdy-nerds are serial killers. if you are “too afraid to talk to girls” then you probably won’t have a hard time killing them and eating their leg meat, since they aren’t real people to you. so i’d say it’s less about your interests and more about your social skills.

  11. ew says:

    but if a guy ever made me a crossword puzzle and wasn’t a terrifying mess, i’d do him.

  12. librarian says:

    i fucking love nerds

  13. guy says:

    DJing? really? What is this, 1999? Is getting frosted tips cool too?

  14. qq says:

    Taeil Says:

    Why didn’t you make this list when I was 14?

    …Most of the shit i read on here like this i should have been told when i was 14 / should have had rubbed into my face with a meat grinder when i was 14 and every year since.

    better late than never

  15. Lame-o says:

    @ ew totally on the money!!
    @guy I thought the same thing about the djing but frosted tips? totally dated yourself with that one-lol ’84!!

    Okay, when you’re 20 and socially inept & smart, nerdiness is tolerated & even appreciated for being authentic.
    But if you haven’t learned by the time you’re 30, how to AT least make some small talk or at least pull your head out of your own uptight ass… then it is just a TURN OFF.

    I used to dig the teen movies with the nerds getting the pretty/cute girls etc. but those guys weren’t nerds…they were geeks. (No pocket protector or straight A’s?-geek.) Everyone wants to be a self-proclaimed nerd it seems.
    I’ve chilled with a still-a-nerd and he was just so awkward it was frustrating. Seriously glad my husband is a charmer.

  16. psychic pain says:

    this article was ‘very nice’ (Borat)

  17. Anonymous says:

    i know nothing about nerds

  18. Anonymous says:

    You should definitely follow all of the advice presented to you on the internet. Express line to pussy.

  19. WEED says:

    “nobody gives a shit about people who are constantly “on” in social situations.”

    god damnit what the fuck does that mean

  20. seriouslynow says:

    nerds made this website possible. shit, they made you possible. what a travesty.

    so i guess that’s one thing they shouldn’t have done.

    please never write again.

  21. blah says:

    @ he hate me – – you’ve been dumped a lot, huh?

  22. Yeah, I’ve been dumped, but not for a long, long time.
    Now I basically know how to deal with women:

  23. Beef says:

    Nervous laughter should be added to this list.

  24. French Ass Raper says:

    Why even ask for permission?

  25. kure kure takora says:

    DJing and photography.

    Who seriously isn’t “into” that?

    It’s so easy to make up hobbies;

    Do you take pictures once in a while? Congratulations, your hobby is photography.

    Do you make an ipod playlist? You like DJing!

    Do you ride bikes around? You’re a cyclist!

    Do you jerk off on the internet all day long and love posting on internets? You’re a social media researcher/blogger!

    etc etc.

  26. Some Bitch says:

    Fucking wrong on No. 7 – Being nice can get you some sweet pussy, gentlemen. You just can’t be creepy-nice and force niceness on some chick who clearly wants to get away. If you don’t know the difference, it’s call wisdom. Manners can be sexy and I’ve given brain so good, the guy became retarded and I got my Phd overnight just because he said “thank you” and “please.” Fuck No. 8 – Taking advice from women is like applying for a job you desperately want and the CEO tells you how to get in. Also, there is never anything wrong with smart – it can be the ultimate clit pleaser if you know how to use it.

  27. Kool G Rapp says:

    #9 is the fucking truth. stupid ass attempts at some skewed idea of reverse psychology always comes off as a fail on people with shit self esteem. there’s a difference between being nice and being a doormat btw.


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