Posted by
Sidewinder
• 11.19.08 11:38 am

in a pool

Whassup niggaz and ho’s – your man Sidewinder here reporting for duty.

This is my first post on Street Boners and TV Carnage, so go easy on me until I learn the ropes. (Quick — Somebody show me the ropes!) Listen and believe it – when a black man is asking white people to show him some rope, you know he’s gone desperate.
in a pool

Whassup niggaz and ho’s – your man Sidewinder here reporting for duty.

This is my first post on Street Boners and TV Carnage, so go easy on me until I learn the ropes. (Quick — Somebody show me the ropes!) Listen and believe it – when a black man is asking white people to show him some rope, you know he’s gone desperate.

Street Carnage gave me the heads-up last week that yall may be in need of Sidewinder’s services — as an MBA Finance and a black guy, I think SC’s hoping I can fill two holes at once — kind of like we did with that one bitch back in ’97 but yo, that’s another story.

Anyways is plennyways, I just got back from Tokyo and believe me — believe the HYPE: there is definitely a worldwide financial panic at hand. Those yellow bastards are going crazier than when you used to steal a 40 from one of their shitty little stores…

…Let me just say, if you’ve never been to Japan, especially as an African American being paid to give financial advice, I can guarantee you that it puts one in an awkward position to stay the least. First of all, everything in that damn country is so small – I ain’t lying when I say I must’ve banged my dome in the shower fifty times- almost wishin Truman would nuke that whole place again — No you don’t understand: I’m talkin bout while I was there! Fuckit, I’d rather have my face blown off by irradiation than have to deal with bangin my shit against that damn faucet just one more time.

Goddamn, this is the country that perfected the microchip — can they not build a Western guest shower with a nozzle that comes above five FEET?? I’d be in the shower washin up, duckin down so I didn’t bump my crown… ALMOST forget and bump my forehead (whew, that last one was close)… washin up, washin up, washin up…start to stand up fast and WHOOOOA almost bashed my head again (whew, that one was EXTRA close) and I reach over to grab some of that little yellow asian shampoo (coincidence??) and reach over for th– BAAAAM! I bash my head right INTO the motherfucking faucet. FUCK! Distracted me and got my shit up again- fuckit: just launch the missles mr. Truman!!!

Another thing about Japan- everything is all slanted and shit – I’m not even playin. If you don’t have slanty eyes, you can’t see the goddamn country straight – it’s kinda like going to see Amityville horror in 3-D without 3-D glasses! No doubt. For real though – you gotta ask anyone who’s really been over there – I’m not talkin bout the movies – they film those bitches with slanted lenses to over-compensate – I’m talkin bout you gotta go ask some non-asian – some black or white folks who BEEN to japan themselves, and they will confirm what I’m tellin you: Slanty as a one-fingered nigga typin a questionmark: /

Anyway, getting down to the meat- Imma tell you like I told the yellow people: Now is NOT the time to liquidate. Liquidate in your pants if you have to – yeah and defecate for that matter – cause these are some scary times. It’s understandable. But do NOT, under any misundercircumstances, liquify your assets just yet.

Now is the time to BUY – and I know that seems counter-intuitive, but you should think of it this way: Buy low and sell high, right? Everyone knows that much – so put your money where your mouth is! Sidewinder Sez! It ain’t gonna get MUCH lower – it can’t! If it goes down much lower, money will be worthless, and you’ve got to believe that the powers that be will NEVER let that happen.

See, always analyze by what is in the powers that be’s best interests. Follow the money. The man, even if he’s black now (BAM!) is not gonna let money become worthless- it’s not in his best interests and it never will be. So at the very least, that is something you can bet on and believe in. Go for it!

If you absolutely can’t buy, hold if you must, and miss out on the bargains if you have to (ho’s out there should be thinking of this as a big ol’ sample sale – push your man to BUY) but do NOT sell or liquify — If you do, come 5 years from now, you’re gonna feel dumber than a black man in Japan: one who just can’t stop hitting his dome in the shower.


Comments
  1. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    Interesting fact: Our (American) blacks terrify the Japanese. The English blacks don’t have the same pull.

  2. Loomis says:

    YOU REPLACED BLOGNIGGER WITH THIS FUCKING CLOWN!? WHY, BECAUSE HE DIDN’T AGREE WITH YOUR POLITICAL BELIEFS (OR LACK THEREOF). PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE. ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUBBORN/STUPID/USELESS. YOU ARE ABOUT TO LOSE EVERY READER YOU EVER HAD INCLUDING ME.

  3. Red says:

    If this is supposed to replace Blognigger you better find someone to replace me because I’m done with this site.

  4. tommy gun says:

    WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fucking outrage. fuck SC and fuck you Gavin.

  5. he was just another blognigger says says:

    sheesh you guys – this dude is pretty funny actually. give him a chance. that rope joke was funnier than anything blognigger ever said.

  6. jesus says:

    this is seriously like fucking Sarah Palin – think we’re dumb enough to just love another poster cause he’s BLACK??

    Fuck you Streetcarnage.

  7. Sarah O Sarah says:

    Oh no. What have you idiots done now? This is terrible.

  8. camel's back says:

    this was the last straw dudes. First the don’t vote, then the Heroin shit, then this. I’m out. It’s been real.

  9. jesus says:

    are you fucking kidding me?? you sound like the dumbest piece of shit ive ever read. im pissed i wasted my time reading this shit.

    WHAT A FUCKING MORONIC ASSHOLE. im off t his site.

  10. streetcarnage named dezenuts says:

    this is really really bad.

  11. heroin needles full of AIDS in my ass is better than sidewinder says:

    fuck fuck fuck. worst thing ever. maybe Gavin really is a racist if he thinks this dude is equivalent to blognigger.

    can anyone tell me some other blogs to go to – can’t do this site anymmore.

  12. the foOl says:

    First of all – a black MBA Finance? Riiiight. This article reeks of Long Island Wigger. I call bullshit. I can feel the false blackness all over this spastic drivel. I need a REAL nigga up in this muthafucka – a negro of the darkest hue. A man so black he could make the night sky seem technicolor by comparison…I need the fucking BlogNigger. Nigger of ParkSlope. Nigger of the blogosphere. Looking at the tone of BN’s skin is like staring into the void – black-nuss – and thats exactly what the fuck I expect every Wednesday when I ignore my job to surf the internet for dick jokes and racially insensitive commentary . Don’t believe all that shit BN’s been feeding you about making Halle look like Wesley. He is as black as my KIWI’s shoe polish. And now that he is gone this site has become too white for it’s own good.

    SC – WTF? Is this racial? Is it a declaration of war? Is a white cunts joke that black cunts don’t get?

    Fire the Wigger, bring back the Nigger. Like I could give a fuck about “SideWinder”. With a name like that dude should be playing the villain in Spiderman 4, not writing for StreetCarnage.

    FuckYouVeryMuch.

    tF

  13. Moooles says:

    Hate to tell y’all, but Blognigger is incredibly overated. That said, this was awful

  14. he was just another blognigger says:

    jesus. stop with the hate you guys. this was funny. that’s it – that’s all i can say. you guys are too picky and your mean.

  15. rick roobins says:

    You know, this is just ridiculous. It IS akin to McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin – such a transparent move, just throwing another black guy up there. It really depresses me because Gavin is a funny hero of mine, but this is just disillusioning.

    Really disappointed and seriously, I think an apology to BN AND the audience is the only thing that can save face here.

  16. SCOTTIECAPSLOCK says:

    this has to be a joke. it’s just too obviously bad to be posted in earnest. maybe it’s intended to elicit this same reply from everybody.. maybe the joke is on us? pretty shit joke though.

    also: we’re too picky? as in… we like good things and not shitty things?

  17. he was just another blognigger says:

    picky just means you guys aren’t open minded. you are acting like this is the worst thing ever. i think this guy is cool. that’s all.

  18. Failure says:

    There is no point in repeating what ahs already been said, but I like the sound of my own voice so i might do it anyway.

    Racism is funny, this blog post is not.

  19. nipster says:

    ” The man, even if he’s black now (BAM!) ”

    Godamn that was funny- who woulda thot The Man would become president elect obama; no one saw that coming especially the ones primarily kept down by the man- Negroes in Amerika

    Lov america, hope they don’t do too badly in this economic depression (BAM!)

  20. Obamafan69@aol.com says:

    Give him a chance yo.

    Black president!

  21. wtf says:

    It’s like any time Gavin wants, it’s April 1st.

  22. imyar says:

    get over it babies you just can’t deal when someone new shows up regardless of what is said, how it’s said, and who says it – write your own goddamn pieces of shit if you’re so fucking superior.

  23. rjb says:

    Real playaz be buying high dividend yield for real yo. Pour some out for your homie Benny Graham.

  24. Rumor_Whore says:

    I heard that BlogNigger got fired and he blames street carnage.

  25. SC: Shark Jumper says:

    IM RACIST!!! THAT MAKES ME FUNNY!!!

  26. miss appalachian says:

    gavin, are you mad at us?

  27. Chachi and the MS-13s says:

    It’s like when Jewish comedians use the Jew card every 5 minutes thinking it’ll give them a laugh — say something yiddish and the crowd will lick your toes. Is Sidewinder actually Steve Harvey?

  28. zzZzZZzzz says:

    That shit was weak.

  29. Arv says:

    Why is everyone jumping to conclusions? Maybe (hopefully) Blognigger isn’t gone, and SC just decided to let this black dude, who is obviously high on caffeine and thinks we need advice about both life in Japan and finance (how many people who even read this shit have any financial stake?), get a chance to post.

    Now that he failed, I say SC give him the boot and then we can all get back to happily reading Blognigger.

  30. wharf says:

    the new blognigger is sadly deficient…..just to recap…..

  31. glapi says:

    yeah exactly arv : why not read blognigger and sc?

    we’re all doing it already right?

    i don’t believe the guys who claim they are not coming back, this thing is too addictive.

    but i must say this sounds like a joke, a bit like the “new flavor” cookies trick you know.

    betrayal.

  32. aesk47 says:

    SHUT THE FUCK UP!! ALL OF YOU!! SCUM OF THE EARTH!!

  33. aesk47 says:

    LEAVE HIM ALOOONE!!! WHAHHHAAAWHAHA!!

    I’M GONNA KILL MYSELF NOWWAAHHWWHHAA!!!

  34. full o shit says:

    oh my god. the vernacular in the piece sounds pretty forced.

    @imyar, tits or GTFO

  35. c says:

    Gavin, “coke dealer” isn’t a sufficient qualification. Plus, I’ve seen his booth at the swap meet; homie tried to sell me an issue of “Foabs Magazine”.

  36. […] niggaz and ho’s – sidewinder here. BAAAAAM!! Shoulda seen the look on your Williamsburg […]

  37. Vane$$a says:

    imyar said:

    “get over it babies you just can’t deal when someone new shows up regardless of what is said, how it’s said, and who says it – write your own goddamn pieces of shit if you’re so fucking superior.”

    I am superior. The only real talent at SC, besides Gavin, can be found on the message boards (not you). That’s what makes this site interesting to me. It’s an exercise in masochism. I go to this shit job every day and then come here so that I can see no talent hacks post links to pics of their semi-famous gal pals futzing around on sweaty, overrated, fly infested beaches in hell. Seriously. Where else can I go to be so completely underwhelmed? For some reason it gets me all wet when I observe these lazy, cunting ass losers go about their fabulously vapid hipster lives in Bwooklyn as I work 60 hour weeks in a Pittsburgh cubicle. Is that so hard to understand? If you can’t allow a peasant to throw a few benign jabs at the unqualified aristocracy every once in a while, what will you give us? Show some compassion. Please?

    And yeah, this dude sucks too, but comparing him to that other guy is useless unless it’s to say that they both suck. Truly good writers represent about one in a sea of 5 million language butchers. The same goes for comedians and intellectuals.

  38. regis says:

    HA HA HA HA HA tommy gun and all you whiners. jokes on you. gavin: 1, you all: ZERO

  39. full o shit says:

    vane$$a tits or GTFO

  40. tony badassassino says:

    tony badassassino likes a good prank from time to time. but not the niggerish ones.

  41. tommy gun says:

    yeah jokes on me. you guys got me.

  42. Every Hipster says:

    every hipster likes a good prank from time to time. but not the guinea wop dago Greek Jewish ones.

  43. wharf says:

    …….genius

  44. imyar says:

    vanessa i’m “just sayin” that like clockwork beneath every (shit or non-shit) posting on SC is the exact same barrage of bandwagon hating commentary and i am just pointing out how tired and predictable that is.

  45. haha says:

    if this dude’s really black, i’ll eat ALL the watermelon in the back of my ol’ chevy halfton.

  46. jonboncoozie says:

    vane$$a, if i wasn’t already happily hitched, i’d find you, marry you, and treat you like a princess til the day i die.

  47. clap shitty says:

    “And then I went in the mufckin restaurizzant and I was like, ‘flied lice muthafucka!!!'”

    This post was written by a white man whose experience with black people is limited to Rush Hour movies.

  48. japaneezes says:

    dude when I was in japan, the shower didn’t have any fucking knobs to turn it on, just a keypad to type in the temperature of the water. I was stoked and typed in a nice warm 99 degrees, only to be scaldingly reminded that they use centigrade over there! ouch!

  49. Cap'n Glitterfuzz says:

    Vane$$a,

    The unseen nuance of syrupy eloquence found in your social annotations warms the soul. You are a saint bearing a language capable of guiding a generation to unparalleled wisdom and prosperity.

    You filthy egocentric hooker, quit touting your intellect as a rarity.

    You have my sympathy for being a Pittsburg resident.

    XOXO

  50. HalfAfrican says:

    This nigger’s about as edgy as Will Smith

  51. HalfAfrican says:

    say it ain’t so!
    that was not me ???

  52. Uses says:

    gah oh my fucking god this guy sucks, he was not funny he was just annoying and obnoxious. please can we have blognigger back, please!?

  53. Japan Negro says:

    Who switched off the muthafucking Coltrane and turned on the Kenny G.

    You just went from Lambert Hendricks and Ross to Manhattan Transfer except come to think of it, Kenny G seems like a nice guy and Manhattan Transfer have talent.

  54. missy poo says:

    Hey you guys get the joke yet much?


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