Posted by
• 05.20.11 12:25 pm

The fact that a wimp like me is forced to step in and remind men how to be men, shows just how far we’ve fallen. Here is a 12 step program to replenish your manhood which includes an update that lists a bunch more.

While getting drunk last night, I noticed a young man had plonked his sports bottle down on the bar like it was a gun and we were in the Wild West. I asked him what the fuck was up with that, and he explained he’d brought it with him to stay hydrated. “What you’re carrying is pussy kryptonite,” I said as Gran Torino-esquely as possible before adding, “Not only will you not get laid tonight, but you just blew it for your two friends there.” The bartender told me to mind my own business as I tried to explain the difference between bullying (picking on physical traits) and benevolence (telling someone what to throw in the garbage). Before the debate could be settled, his friend ordered a gin and tonic with lime, and I walked away in disgust.

I’m no Übermensch. I don’t know where the transmission is on a car and I’m not sure I’ve ever won a fight, but I have laid my fair share of fair ladies and can tell you that the American male’s infantilization has gone so far, it’s basically back in the womb.

Here are twelve essential tips to help get our nation’s testosterone levels back above sea level:

The worst part about going to LA is having to wait behind metrosexuals as they order Absolut Orange with a twist of orange and a splash of seltzer while Max is having… “Max, what are you having again? Oh yeah, just a classic Appletini, please.” Hey, Buttwipe, we are all standing here waiting to get drunk by guzzling rotten barley, and you are stopping the presses with your sugary fruit punch? Just order five Buds for five buds and let’s get on with our lives. If you’re feeling creative, you may order a whiskey or a bourbon, and if you’re wary of spirits, take the edge off by getting it on the rocks. That’s it. And you can’t order wine at a bar. For dinner it’s fine, but we can’t have men in bars gently clasping that little glass stem and giggling with their buddies like they’re ecstatic about being fragile. Oh—and no low-calorie drinks, either.

Where did all the briefcases go? Even high-powered lawyers are walking around with courier bags as if they deliver their own affidavits for a living. It’s only a computer. Why does it have to dangle by your knees like a pothead’s DJ bag? Straps are for the airport, and even then they make you look like you bench-press daffodils for a living. If you are wearing a suit, you have to carry a leather briefcase or at the very least a Filson—not a nylon zip bag that you got free at a conference, not a tote (Jesus, totes? How did we get here? They are for women’s groceries), and not a backpack. I don’t know how many New Yorkers I’ve seen in pinstripe suits with futuristic-looking backpacks that have gel pockets and waterproof headphone holes. They look like accountants for the Sierra Club. If you’re riding your bicycle to work, fine, put on a knapsack. Your laptop is delicate, and to put it anywhere but your back is to jeopardize the hard drive. However, can you at least make it some kind of old-timey canvas and leather? Gadget packs make grown men look like eager-beaver space travelers. Also, after you get off your bike, please refrain from wearing your backpack in the elevator. Carry it at your side like a briefcase. Be a man for once in your life.

Fedoras and bike helmets could make even the Mighty Thor look like a retarded sissy infant. The only time a fedora is acceptable is if it’s the cherry on a 1950s sundae. That means: wingtips or brogues, a three-piece suit, a tie, a briefcase, a trench coat, and finally a hat. That is the only time you can wear a fedora. No matter where you are, pairing it with a T-shirt or (God forbid) shorts makes you look like a sports detective. Bald men are particularly guilty of this, and the fact that they think they’re fooling us is as insulting as a combover.

And what can I say about bike helmets that hasn’t been said about retarded people? When I was a kid, there was no such thing as a bike helmet. Most of us wouldn’t even wear shoes, and that includes girls. By summer’s end, our feet were so callused we could walk on heroin needles all the way to school and not notice. Today, “tough guys” are riding their bikes through the city with enough protection to survive a nuclear holocaust. Just as my reaction to these ridiculous drunk-driving laws is, “If you can’t command a vehicle after two beers, you can’t command a vehicle,” I say, “If you can’t ride a bicycle without wearing an extra skull, you can’t ride a bicycle.” Twenty years ago, if I saw an adult in a helmet, my first instinct would be sympathy. Today, it’s rage.

Just some buds havin’ a beer after work with their Swiss Army backpacks on the ground and their umbrellas on the bar.
If you were to walk down the street in Glasgow carrying an umbrella, men would start coming out of pubs and walking menacingly toward you as if you were wearing a sandwich board that said, “BONNIE ENGLAND.” If you were to up the ante with rubber boots and a raincoat, you’d be stabbed. I second this emotion. Showing up to a meeting with your wee umbrella all bundled up in its little tube makes you look like you’re allergic to water, and such a person is obviously unfit to be called a man. If it’s pouring outside, get soaked.

If you’re traveling only a few blocks in a flat area, wearing a suit on your bicycle is great, but if you’re a cheap-ass crowd-hater like me and you’re pedaling over the Brooklyn Bridge, there’s no sense in charbroiling your kneecaps. And what about the rest of the summer? Cargo shorts are obviously outlawed, as are the ridiculous wigger shorts grown men wear to the beach these days—“shorts” that are so long they are basically pants that scream, “I’M NOT GAY!” so loudly that it’s extremely gay. I think small tennis shorts are all right if the temperature climbs above 90 degrees. You can’t wear them at night, but some of us have breathtaking legs, and to let our pants go wet with sweat during a heat wave is to deprive women the right to let their panties go wet with lust.

Men can have Brylcreem in their hair, but only to slick it back. The fact that adult males have no problem spiking their hair like the little kid in Jerry Maguire is living proof we have estrogened ourselves back into the Fag Age. It may look funky and fresh when you’re staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror, but by the time it gets to us, it looks like a pterodactyl was clipping his toenails over your head.

Up is an intense cartoon. The couple at the beginning spent their whole lives trying to conceive a child, and they failed. It took 30,000 years of post-Neanderthal evolution to get them to that point, and their family lineage comes to a dead end with a miscarriage. If that makes a tear fall down your cheek, be proud. You care about humanity. But you can’t do that thing where your whole face scrunches up like a baby taking a dump. Your face has to stay exactly as is. If your face starts to scrunch up anyway, bury it in your left hand and have some silent heaves. Outside of the film world, crying is only permitted at funerals, and it had better be while standing tall. Men aren’t allowed to give up and just say, “That’s it, I’m bawling my eyes out,” because now we’re left with nobody to shield us from harm. It’s like when you’re flying in a tiny one-prop plane and your wife is petrified of the turbulence. You have to explain, “Honey, it’s just a bus that goes in the sky. They do this trip dozens of times a day, relax,” while quietly filling your underwear with diarrhea.

I’m not sure when we started listening to sexless lesbians for heterosexual advice, but women don’t want to be cherished with permission. They want to be eaten alive. We didn’t get here by being cool to each other, so fucking grab that bitch and show her the evolutionary truth that she’s a mouse and you’re a snake. I’m not saying you have to rape a bitch, but let’s stop pretending that “no” means “no.” “No” means “maybe.” THREE “noes” mean “no.”

The first thing I always say about mandals is, “What if someone slaps your girl and you have to chase them?” Nobody’s saying you have to be Randy “Macho Man” Savage (RIP) and pile-drive everyone who doesn’t open the door for your lady, but flip-flops render you incapable of physical combat. Shit, I don’t even think mandals should be allowed on the beach. Wear your sneakers to the beach. When you get to your towel, you can leave them there before swimming or, if the sand is hot, wear them to the tide’s edge and leave them there. Men are wearing flip-flops to work, parent-teacher interviews, apartment closings, and the dentist. Wearing mandals reveals a level of shameless self-love that reminds me of a baby playing with his penis while he gets his diaper changed. I barely want to look at a woman’s hideous black toenail polish on the filthy city streets. Seeing your mangled foot-claws flip and flop through dog shit is like forcing us to watch you masturbate.

I’m not even sure you can wear only a T-shirt, but assuming no collar is acceptable, why is a grown-ass man advertising what band he likes? If you’re over 30, nobody gives a shit what you like. Stop pledging allegiance to The Ramones as if someone is going to be so inspired by your cool-dad pose, they immediately buy Rocket to Russia. It’s no longer your job to mine out the hottest bands and proudly announce your allegiance for all the world to see.

And even then you should do it in private. Nothing sickens a coworker more than hearing a man say, “I love you, honey” while sitting at his desk. Who is that, your mommy? If you’re on a business trip and you miss her, give her a call when you’re back at the hotel. Do not check in with her after every meeting and say, “That went really well.” You sound like a Jewish virgin who still lives at home. Saying, “I have to call my wife” when faced with a major decision translates as, “I have to call my husband.” Unless you’re buying her a purse for her birthday, there should never be a situation where you need her help to go forward. On the show Shark Tank, I saw a young entrepreneur who received an offer to finance his invention, and he asked if he could phone to check with his spouse first. The investors pulled the deal. One of them said she doubts he has the chutzpah to run his own company. He has not received a blowjob since.

I guess you can have an iPad at home and browse the Net while you’re watching TV, but bringing it out of the house is utterly verboten. Men are meant to jot things down and send comments to colleagues while doing research. That means they need a big notepad and a bigger keyboard. The iPad is for observers, not creators, and when you read books with it on the train or even bring it to meetings (I’ve seen this many times), it means you are not here to participate in the business world. You’re here to peruse.

Here is the fundamental point behind all these rules: A grown man is meant to be prepared for conflict and provide for his wife and family. Indulging oneself like a gay teen on vacation is not only abandoning your post, it’s leaving women to pick up the slack. And nobody wants a world like that—especially women.


UPDATE: 10 more! Since first publishing this story here, I thought of a whole bunch more. Please continue to add some in the comments but DO NOT disagree with any listed here.

This almost goes without saying, almost, but the one common characteristic of all douchebags besides striped dress shirts and stressed denim is square-toed shoes. If you like getting turned away by the door girl and being mistaken for a date rapist, square your toes. If not, stick to round or pointy.

Winston Churchill once said, “Anyone who hates those little fucking snappy dogs for lonely women can’t be all bad” and I agree. Small dogs are affection mutants invented to companion the elderly. Not only can you not have a small dog, you can’t even walk your stripper girlfriend’s when she’s too hungover to get out of bed.

I know a guy in Costa Rica who rents out ATVs and he secretly told me he hates renting to women unless their dykes. Sorry ladies but you suck at driving and the only way we’re going to let you sit in the driver’s seat is if it’s your car.

Nothing beats the irony of a skull avatar named Anonymous calling people out for being pussies. Why isn’t your IM your actual name you coward? What are you scared of, your opinions getting you in trouble? Nobody cares what you think when your testicles are ball bearings so cut the tough guy shit.

Guys who take their towel to the shower at the gym are scared of what exactly? That we’re going to laugh at their penis? That some gay dude is going to drool at its gorgeousness? Call me closed-minded but I don’t give a flying fuck about your dick. Hiding your nudity at the gym implies your nude body is special to me and that is fucking gay.

If you are taking a piss and it doesn’t flush right, fix it. I don’t care if you’re at a friend’s house or in an office building. Lift the lid off the tank and reattach the chain to the plug thingie. This goes for all repairs outside of complex plumbing or electrical. If it seems complicated, Google it. If all this sounds intimidating, subscribe to this.

A woman brought this up after reading the above article and I had to admit I hadn’t really thought about it before. Do men still shave their chests and like, groom their pubes? I thought that was a teenage phase kids with piercings do shortly after discovering porn. At the risk of sounding redundant, no you may no trim you’re fucking anal hairs you asshole! Women want to fuck the dirtbag cokehead from Winter’s Bone, not the manboy popstar from Never Say Never.

Most adult males have pissed about 20,000 times. You hold it in the middle and then kind of milk it at the end to get out the last drops. If you can’t do that without getting piss all over your hands, you need to go back to diapers and start again. Women suck that thing so touching it with your grubby hands is nothing worth running to the sink over.

The fact that men get alimony from rich women makes me heave. The whole thing was invented for the fat Italian nona who spent her whole life making spaghetti for her boys and has no hopes of employment after being abandoned by her cheating wop husband. A grown man can’t ask a woman to pay for the lifestyle he’s become accustomed to, are you insane? I heard Jesse James on Howard Stern talking about his divorce with Sandra Bullock and after being asked if he was going to take any alimony James said, “Nope. That’s not how I roll.” What a load of bullocks.

Eating pussy is for fags.
(Just kidding – I needed 10)

And remember: You’re not a man until you’ve…
1- Had your heart broken.
2- Broken a girl’s heart.
3- Had the shit kicked out of you.
4- Kicked the shit out of a guy.

  1. jUAN says:

    Hahahahaha the bike helmet one is the best one

  2. richie goldbaum says:

    RIP Macho Man.

  3. the stark fist of reality says:

    90% of these character traits disappear when you leave NYC or LA. you’re describing “metro” sexuals after all.

    I’m not convinced the alternative of Old Navy, Coors Lite and morbid obesity is much better.

    Briefcases are just kind of weird, Alex P. Keaton.

  4. bub bub says:

    R.I.P macho man

  5. Matrick Swayze says:

    You also have to be at least a casual fan of at least one sport. You can’t say “sports are stupid and boring,” and then just play Guitar Hero instead. You should be able to name at least one player that is cool and one player that is a dick-hole on your city’s baseball team. I’m far from sports nut, but if you can’t drink a beer and watch baseball, you better be able to do that with basketball, hockey, or football.

    *I wash my hands because my grandmother ingrained it in us at an early age, and I wear a helmet because I’m lucky to be alive after being hit by a drunk driver, and the same goes for three of my friends that I can think of off the top of my head. Oh, and I keep my pubes from looking like a bird’s nest. Sue me. The rest is aces.

  6. Matrick Swayze says:

    Oh, and no going to the salon for a haircut, guys. Jesus H Christ. Go to a barber shop, or have a friend do it. If you’re making appointments and getting highlights, you need to reassess your life.

  7. Joe Queer says:

    “It’s no longer your job to mine out the hottest bands and proudly announce your allegiance for all the world to see.”

    Then calm the fuck down with Cerebral Ballzy bullshit.

  8. Regular reader says:

    Most of this makes sense except for the ban on bike helmets (it’s manly to die on a bike?), the ban on umbrellas (if you live in a city without a car), and the ban on washing your hands after taking a leak (why even bring this up?).

  9. Regular reader says:

    That is to say:

    (if you live in a city without a car, you’re an idiot walking around soaking wet)

  10. You know, either way says:

    I woke up in a hospital with amnesia after a bike accident. I got over it, but it wasn’t the best thing. Repeatedly asking your family where you are and how you got there doesn’t seem super manly. I’ll be wearing a helmet now.

  11. that Bob says:

    @Matrick Swayze: you failed. men never explaining themselves. they just let their actions to speak for themselves.

  12. Publius says:

    # 11 FIX YOUR OWN DAMN CAR don’t be all smug about re-attaching a toilet float chain if you don’t even know where is the transmission on your car, much less how it actually works, much less how to fix it. Right, Gavin?

  13. Anonymous says:

    original #8 is gospel. men, please listen. that’s not bravado talking, it’s the truth. i only wish women would say it more often.

    update #9 is also true but not just for men. i think alimony should be abolished completely. and i’m a woman.

  14. that Bob says:

    @You know, either way: wrong. men never want to or try to prevent things. they face with them and handle them. (if they dont they’re pussies)

  15. Publius says:


  16. hagenshape says:

    Man should be able to:

    – drive a stick shift

    – back up a trailer

    – load and fire a gun

    – know how to throw a punch

    – know how to take a punch

    – know how to say no

  17. soooooo bored says:

    here’s a quick list:

    1) No rollerblades (this shouldn’t have to be said, but i still see it)

    2) No spandex bike suits unless you’re in the tour de france

    3) No electric razors

    4) Coffee should be taken black, or if you must, with sugar/cream, so no “specialty” drinks of any kind ever

    5) Own a drill, a rachet set, and other basic tools

    6) Don’t play video games, but if you must, never talk about them or play them in the presence of your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever

  18. Anonymous says:

    men enjoy drinking/getting shitfaced here and there but only pussies HAVE to drink. god, there’s nothing weaker than a guy who can’t go a day w/out sucking on his beer baby bottle. addiction is for titty babies.

  19. youragaylord says:

    speaking of Randy Macho Man, he died heart attack car crash

  20. Anonymous says:

    men don’t have to be filthy rich but i can’t think of anything less manly than a guy who can’t handle his money and buys shit like a little kid. women can respect a guy who doesn’t make much but watches his money, but nobody respects the guy who’s drowning in debt because he had to have the latest things. please don’t ever have kids if you’re that guy.

  21. Kevin says:

    Half are brilliant. Not sure “‘No’ means ‘maybe.’ THREE ‘noes’ mean ‘no.'” will hold up in court, I use an umbrella to keep my leather briefcase dry and pubes get in the way when jerking off.

  22. The Inciser says:

    #13 DON’T BRUSH YOUR TEETH — why do you think they call ’em MANdibles?

  23. Kevin says:

    Is it manly to say “Macho Man” Randy Savage snapped into a slim tree?

  24. Ralphy says:

    All good points and you dudes who say ‘are you sure about wearing a helmet/square-toed shoes/umbrellas; ooh gee don’t you want to rethink that advice and make me feel better; let me tell you the good reasons I have for breaking these rules’ completely don’t get it. If you were men you’d just laugh or ignore it and keep going. Men have families and jobs and literally way more to worry about than appeasing another man who can’t send you to jail or take away your money if you don’t listen to him.

  25. JimmyFuckingCarter says:

    I’ve lived in California and Hawaii my entire life. I don’t wear shorts or sandals when I’m in a big city, there’s city grime everywhere. But when you live by the beach and the weather is constantly tropical, wearing pants and shoes all day fucking sucks and it makes no sense.

  26. pogi says:

    My list
    -no emoticons allowed on text messages unless texting a 20 year old chick. Also limit text messages to women. Talk to her on the phone like the olden days
    -not being shy on looking at womens cleavages, butts, their sexy body.
    -No Pilates, Aerobics, Yogas, or any other group activity at the gym. Only allowed are weight training, Jumping ropes, Chin-ups, boxing, treadmills are fine if the weathers bad for running outside. Real men workout alone.
    -Helping out a girl if she has car problems even though you dont know anything about cars. You can just look under the hood, poke something here and there and pretend you know what you’re doing. Then just tell her, yep its fucked, lets call the mechanic.
    -If you want to fuck a girl let her know right away. No pretending to be a nice guy and shit. Give her dirty looks, comment on how lovely her boobs are.
    -No shopping for clothes with guys
    -Go to dive bars a lot.
    -No wearing spandex thingies while riding bikes. A t-shirt and a shorts is fine.
    -Never comment on womens clothes, shoes. If she’s hot, she’s hot. Only person allowed to do this is Gavin because he’s funny.

  27. kure kure takora says:

    I’m in general agreement here, but REAL mixed drinks are truly man territory. Real men know how to mix a proper drink and get fucking classy drunk off it. Hemingway was a big fan of fucking daquiris so much they named one after him.

    A Manhattan, a big ole pink negroni, served in a slim stemmed martini glass, or a Zombie, complete with garnish, means that you’re a professional alcoholic that has some taste versus swilling down shit beer that just gets you fat and not even buzzed.

  28. Staxxx says:

    no ordering risotto (or other fag food) when out for a meal. You eat steak and thats it.

  29. sooth says:

    #14 — DON’T WEAR PANTS — a real man isn’t afraid to wear nothing but package-outlining bikini underwear on the subway

  30. homeless says:

    jesus this is great stuff…but i’m still gonna wear a helmet

  31. unknown nobody says:

    I agree JimmyFuckingCarter.

    I won’t wear shorts or sandals in a urban setting (never sandals but I wore shorts in Bangkok, Panama City, etc) but I spend a lot of time in Central American and Mexico surfing and you don’t wear fucking jeans and a pair of boots doing that. Who fucking would? It’s hotter than Hell and you have stash a pair of cheapie flip flops on the beach so the kids don’t steal them. It’s dusty, hot and nobody cares about fashion.

    Other than that I agree with about everything listed. When I go to NYC to visit friends I’m amazed at how pussy all the kids are. Even my friend tight rolls his skinny jeans. Shit is so gay I’m embarrassed to roll with him.

  32. hagenshape says:

    HA! fucking hilarious and true:

    -Helping out a girl if she has car problems even though you dont know anything about cars. You can just look under the hood, poke something here and there and pretend you know what you’re doing. Then just tell her, yep its fucked, lets call the mechanic.

  33. macho king says:

    crying is ok at funerals and when your dog dies, dog, not cat, if your cat died, you came out to your parent’s years ago

  34. Jeff Foxworthy says:

    You stole my whole routine but changed redneck to pussy.

  35. mat says:

    Don’t drive a skateboard when you’re over 30, unless you’re a die-hard pro the likes of Dwayne Peters or Tony Hawk

    If you have to wear a suit, cut your hair, unless you’re a bouncer

    Don’t wear a colorful, artsy-fartsy spectacle frame unless you’re Elton John

    Accept that many women are much better drivers than a lot of men

    DON’T STALK. If you send a message to a woman, don’t press on her to answer by sending another one (and another one, and another one) before she answered you. If you didn’t make your point in the first message, too bad.

  36. Puke says:

    #11. A man should cannot be vegan.

    And remember: You’re not a man until you’ve…

    5 -Spent a night in jail.
    6 -Had a close friend die.

  37. ethnic fairy says:

    I wish men would not only comment on this blabbing about it but actually do it.

  38. Bat Cave says:

    # 15 — BOOGERS ARE FOR EATING — you heard me. I’m gonna snack where i want, when I want. And i ain’t gonna ask if you want any either. I’m selfishmanly like that.

  39. Mark says:

    Always maintain an erection — especially at job interviews.

  40. Arch Zygoman says:

    #16 — BACKHAND ONLY — (corollaries #8, [ravishment] & #9 [no alimony]).

  41. Gavin says:

    Those are all great. I mean to include emoticons and shit like LOL.

    Here’s another one. Stop saying “I’m sick” or canceling things because you’re sick. Who’s sick? I have a hangover every other day. I take some pills and get on with it. I don’t tell people my head is owie and my stummy is upset. Stop telling us you were sick all last week.

    Oh and stop saying, “I’ll just hop in the shower” when discussing meeting us. Unless you’re a Chilean miner you don’t need to be showering all the time much less “hopping” into one.

  42. Gavin says:

    Oh and stop hitting on young girls when you’re old, especially if they work for you.

  43. Anonymous says:

    i have no idea why some straight men think it’s cool to say “you go, girl!” or “alright now!” but it’s not. when i hear that i immediately think of the wayans brothers in drag.

  44. My 10 things a man shouldnt do says:

    1. Cut off his testicles.

  45. fredMS says:

    i said this shit before but making a list of what real men do is more feminine than all of this shit

  46. doodoo says:

    “# 11 FIX YOUR OWN DAMN CAR don’t be all smug about re-attaching a toilet float chain if you don’t even know where is the transmission on your car, much less how it actually works, much less how to fix it. Right, Gavin?”

    you’re a tard. there’s no way in hell i would ever fix a transmission, unless it was the apocalypse. there’s a reason auto shops send them out to get rebuilt, they’re giant mazes of gears.

  47. Dickhead420 says:

    You Tim Allen now Gavin? Imma call u Tim Allen now Tim Allen now.

  48. Man Among Men says:

    @doodoo : well, then, it’s clear that neither you nor Gavin would be smug about re-attaching a toilet float chain, right? Here’s my Prescription: Take two beer bongs and watch me do your porn.

  49. no.thanks. says:

    eh. kind of on point but you are only addressing surface level attributes of manhood and not the deeper reasons for the breakdown of western masculinity.
    you of all people gavin should know that its a slippery slope to discuss masculinity when it is purely defined by what one does NOT do.

  50. dragler says:

    “Why isn’t your IM your actual name you coward? ”

    the only people who use their real names are writers and/ or people promoting themselves.

    In other caes, something more colorful is preferred. That’s why it’s evolved that way. real names are boring. Mine is Chris Hadrick. See? Dragler is better. It’s what I used to call Dracula when I was yay high.

  51. doodoo says:

    i don’t get it, it’s attaching a fucking toilet chain. that’s easy. fixing a transmission is not easy, in fact, it’s really really hard. :(

  52. Virile with a Thousand Faces says:

    Oy vey Hadrick, what the hell are you doing spouting your real-life identity like this?

    Now i know what you do for work, the porn star you subscribe to, etc. what metro you live in, who your galpal is, and that’s just off the toppa my head! I respect your sense of ease around here, but yikes, I do suggest you have more concern for your online privacy. Not that there’s so many pilgrims through this cess, but… Anyway, now it’s a bit deflating to know Dragler’s just toddler talk. I thought my personal cognate for you as “deregulator” was pretty good.

  53. newnumberorder says:


    Fucking this. Can we as gender pledge to never drink anything other than beer and whiskey?

  54. doodoo says:

    gin and tonics are not homo.

  55. josh froth says:

    the art of manliness

  56. dragler says:

    virile- that is some other guy in Wyoming. A cattle rancher. the actual family name is Heidrich or something. It’s Americanizized. Anyone no one cares about my biography I just can’t stand when Goad and teail I can’t spell it sorry use that line.

  57. nate says:

    real men don’t take advice either.

  58. Bongo Bob says:

    Here is the plan, let’s say some stupid ass shit that will get people’s panties in a bunch, then wait for the traffic and profit to roll in…

    Come ride mtn bikes with me in Whistler and you might just want a helmet..

  59. Bad Andy says:

    I admit I am guilty (but who isn’t?) of more than one of these.

    I vow to no longer lurk the web, and live vicariously through the cool people I admire, and get my own life back! thank you.

  60. the stark fist of reality says:

    1. lift a hog
    2. wear a cowboy hat and bolo tie
    3. wear tighty whiteys instead of those homo boxer briefs
    4. drive a car or truck that gets less than 11 MPG
    5. live in Texas or Wyoming or the Australian Outback
    6. call your wife or girlfriend “the missus”
    7. be really into high school football
    8. computers are for secretaries and college stiffs
    9. cigs are for fags, real men smoke cigars
    10. chewing tobacco is ok if your wife makes you go to the tim mcgraw concert
    11. believe in Jesus Christ the manliest messiah in history
    12. propane instead of charcoal
    13. ford instead of chevy
    14. XL Depends after the stroke

  61. Michael Tibbets says:

    #23 – Do NOT spend your time writing fashion critiques where the only 10s are dressed like retarded hipsters that are way too young for you.

    #24 – Do not post pictures of the cool parties you go to. If you have your picture taken when you’re getting together with friends, you’re a fag. Take the picture and you’re a double fag.

    #25 – Go back to making funny videos with your kids and stop posing…..or fuck off.

  62. DetoNate says:

    Flawless. As for the 2nd #4, my name really IS Nate.

  63. rhoda says:

    you can’t wear a fedora, even if it’s raining outside?

  64. Gordon says:

    you wrote “unless their dykes” but it’s “unless they’re dykes.”

    ~the grammar cop

  65. blub says:

    No chokers, pwitty pweeeeeze
    Those are those really tight around the neck necklaces, usually with wood hippy beads.

  66. Michael Tibbets says:

    Plus you took pictures of the queer umbrella guys in a pub. Did you giggle as you ran away? I would have punched you in the fucking neck if I saw you pull that baby girl shit.

  67. ethnic fairy says:

    nate Says:
    real men don’t take advice either.

    that’s like so hot lol <3

  68. miller lite says:

    LOL good shit Gavin. keep stickin it to those FAGGOTS

  69. Mark says:

    I’m sorry – do real men really give that much of a shit about grammar?

  70. (not published or required) says:

    this is fucking gay, but i guess the guy-hipsters need to hear it

    i disagree with the bike helmet one & the not-posting-anonymously, because

    a) head injuries. i have been hit by cars several times. my friend had their skull cracked open and was never the same again.

    b) dragler is right, using yr real name is for writers and people trying to build a following / sell something. otherwise stfu its ego driven (& anonymity is the cornerstone of free speech on the internet. its where you get all the truth from, not people pretending to something something i cant really be bothered plus i have to do a tutorial

  71. Anonymous says:


  72. moody lord says:

    No pants/trousers with less than four fucking pockets.
    Stop wearing suit jackets with denim.
    No Necklaces.
    No deoderant.
    No vegan/vegetarianism.

  73. pingpong says:

    fuck i still need to get the shit kicked out of me

  74. Kennedy says:

    I usually agree with Gavin(especially in politics). If it’s something I disagree with, I can usually see the point and be like, “Noted.” Getting wet is retarded and not an option in my line of work. I don’t do umbrellas, but I do wear a raincoat and hat. Can you imagine an NYPD cop on the street working with no rain protection getting soaked? I’m not a cop, but I have to work outside in the rain and I can’t just take a soy latte break under an awning if it’s pouring outside.

  75. Anonymous says:

    Pogi and No.Thanks are right.

    First of all, everything on this list is irrelevant if a man doesn’t know how to be a provider. Period. This has nothing to do with gold digging – in case you haven’t noticed, women have a lot of cash these days, and unlike in the past, we don’t NEED you to provide for us. That being said, if I have to pay for your ass because you still don’t know what you wanna do so you’re taking your second masters in something useless like “international development” and living off your parents, you’re just not a man in our eyes.

    Secondly, if you do have a job, etc., and you still can’t get girls, you’re probably being way too polite. Pogi’s advice about being unapologetic about the leering is solid. It makes us self-conscious about whether we’re hot, and when we feel insecure about our looks, we’re more vulnerable/receptive to advances that reaffirm our attractiveness. It’s simultaneously embarrassing and flattering. I’m not 100% sure every guy can pull this off though — some of you will probably end up getting slapped, etc.

  76. Ty says:

    These are actually quite good. I especially concur with the iPad riff. No shit.

  77. lcl says:

    I manscape, sometimes wear nicish looking flip-flops (I’m in the tropics) and like to caress (as long as we’ve already fucked).

    Other than that, not bad.

    Real manliness would be about protecting and providing those who can’t do it for themselves though… ironic that right now a lot of women have us beat at that : P

  78. lcl says:

    Oh, and how about PLAY a sport instead of just watching other dudes play one (homoerotic).

  79. Anonymous says:

    Nothing is gayer than this insecure faux-macho real man shit. You guys should write Miller Lite commercials

  80. Bong Wizard of Weedstonia says:


  81. working stiff says:

    @ anonymous 2nd to last

    you are wrong

    if you have a job and can’t get a date it’s usually because you work too much and it’s ruining your life, or you live somewhere the stats are stacked against you, like the bay area.

    anytime I’ve been unemployed I had about 10x the number of hookups than when I was employed. simply because I had a lot of time to put effort into that sort of thing.

    I guess maybe if you really want to get married it’s another story but no male really wants that

    guys who do get married by mistake end are the ones who end up making lists about how to be more of a man

    “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”

  82. […] Gavin McInnes – “The 12-Step Plan to Restore American Femininity“, “12-Step Plan to Put the Man Back in “Mankind”” […]

  83. Anonymous says:

    awesome! I follow all of these. ‘cept I trim my pubers. Makes my dick look bigger.

  84. Frank Fittesaft says:

    What is this? The Tucker Max message board? “Being a man is eating a steak”, “No deoderant” Fuck you. How stupid can you possibly be. Being a Man is just not being a fucking wimp. Period. Being able to deal with heavier subject matter then the right food, deodorant and stupid raincoats or whatever… being a man is understanding/being interested in Evil for example…

  85. Fucknut says:

    Just wanted to jump in and say this is great shit Mr. Mcinnes.

    And if one of you people managed to get put in a COMA going 15 mph on a bicycle, a helmet cannot help you. Get a car and never ride a bike again.

    Also, don’t take a job where you’re managing more than coffee and donuts.

  86. Smokey says:

    No playing dress up: A lot of men are hopping on this whole coal miner/lumber jack renaissance thing, dressing like old timey blue collar stiffs and blogging about it on their laptops while not doing work at their digital media jobs. If you’re a man and dressing in a way that has nothing to do with how you physically live your life, or is from another century entirely – you’re just a grown up version of little girls having a tea party and wearing princess crowns and mommy’s make-up. Honestly, when you get all dressed up like you popped out of a depression era photograph, do you think anyone would take you seriously?

    No house cleaners: Clean up your own fucking mess. Yeah it’s nice to not to the dishes every once in a while and watch TV or go get loaded, but having someone else clean up your filth is for babies. Throw your garbage in the trashcan, no recycling until they legally make you, and pick up your underwear off the floor and put it in a dirty clothes bin or whatever. You’re a man, take care of your property and don’t be a lazy faggot who pretends that they’re so important that the Mexican cleaning lady is stealing shit from you.

  87. This list is certainly worthy of review at least, but a real man doesn’t let anyone else tell him how to be one. Catch-22: All advice taken in the pursuit is arguably worthless. Except from your dad when you’re 9 maybe.

  88. D. G. James says:

    Gav (this is the manly version of Gavin),

    You make many fine points. How about men who use those wheely bags because they are too weak to carry shit? Or dudes who keep their bags on the seat next to them on the bus, because their bag has had a harder day than me and needs to sit down?

    However – all the fashion rules – how much time do you spend clothes shopping, man? I understand NYC might be the place for it, but not Sydney, Australia. In Sydney, men shopping for clothes is gay. Trying on pants makes me feel like my nuts have lost precious volume. There are plenty of other shops i’d rather be in. Like a fuck shop.

    Also… do real men sometimes(meaning every morning they’re not wasting time preening like The Strokes)just wear whatever the fuck t-shirt is clean or given to them? If it’s some bullshit print, wear the fucker inside out. I’d rather spend money on weed or chicken feed. At least those cunts lay eggs. And clear up the shoe thing; is barefoot okay? I run 5km barefoot three times a week because i’m fucking Tarzan. I don’t know what that is in miles, because miles are for chicks. I hate shoes. Fucking hate them. Of course the stinky hippy on a train or in the city with barefeet thing is disgusting, but round the neighbourhood… all good, right?

    Oh, and bare chest is fucking uncool on the train. We get a lot of Nordic fuckers here who think its okay to press their hairless bodies on people. they’re not used to brutal Aussie sun; they just have that 6 months of indifferent winter light bullshit. they stand round looking flsuhed and do that awful absent minded hand rub over their sensitive nipples thing. It drives me fucking spare.

    Also, being Australian in general kind of automatically makes you more of a man than a New Yorker, right? I can get stabbed on the way home from work OR i could get eaten by a shark. Just the facts, babies.

    I love your site, by the way. It’s how i pass most of my working days. Thankyou. Fag.

  89. D. G. James says:

    Oh wait…

    -Limping is bullshit. Unless your shit is compound fractured, walk on it. it will force your shit to get better quickly, or else your bodies knows it will be run down by a lion. Sprained Ouchie ankle with bandage? Get the fuck outta here.

    – bandaid = gay.

    -Tweeting. This should not need explaining.

    -Men should also pick spiders / roaches up with their barehands and throw them out the window. Don’t scream and panic like your mum.


  91. Anonymous says:

    No bros, best friends, “posses” or cliques. I also think it’s super, supra-gay when you see a rapper on TV and he is constantly surrounded by 10 dudes with their shirts off. I’m a man. I walk alone.

  92. Seth Putnam says:

    Being a man is gay.

  93. Allie Smith says:

    So awesome and on point it made me restless but the spelling fuck ups in
    “no you may no trim you’re fucking anal hairs” suck.

  94. dryrub says:

    Never understood the whole beef with anonymous comments online. Does it matter if my comment is signed with “assbuttman69” or “Barry Weierstrass from Greenpoint”?
    Oooh you got my name! Are you now going to come to my house and beat me up? Even if you did would I ever open the door?
    Face it, we’re all equally nobody on here.

    also the stark fist of reality’s comment killed it

  95. Valcourt says:

    You forgot to mention “Ditch the longboard you rolling fucking faggott” If you cant ollie up a curb then dont even bother. I saw a guy wearing mandals with a shell necklace crossing the street with his fat rollerblading girlfriend whilst preforming the Over the shoulder Mall Grab… Should of pushed that son of a bitch directly into traffic… talk about the idiot shivers man

  96. Classy says:

    Why do you need a person’s name when you can own them by publishing their IP address?

  97. and says:

    Your not a man until you’ve blazed 2 chicks within 24 hours and have preformed the double dip without washing after victim #1

  98. wyatt says:

    I had a post about this once. once.

  99. luke says:

    D. G. James’s first comment was best one on here. Second one kind of lost me though.

  100. Archie Bunker says:

    you’re all fruits

  101. dog says:

    haven’t you written this exact article about 500 times before?

  102. Aviva says:

    Best ever Gavs, died 350 times laughing. Only bummer was the “no handwashing” bit.

  103. haberdasher says:

    Wear your sneakers to the beach?
    If I want a fucking old fashioned I’m gonna order it and you can wait while it’s stirred.
    all this is tired shit.

  104. Paola says:

    The only one I had an issue with personally was the ‘no means no but secretly means yes.’ No still means no, it is embarrassing for a man to not take my word seriously. If you are with a woman and not a little twat who plays games, her no means no. And you trying repeatedly means you are too much of an asshole who does not deserve my pussy because you can’t listen to a simple instruction such as ‘no.’
    Now, do I want my man to take charge most of the time and fuck me senseless? You bet. I like the caressing in my movies or when we are in public, a touch here and there (nothing too sexual, for I am not your property). But in the privacy of the home/bedroom I want you to bend me over and pound it into me, HARD. Thank you for posting this Gavin. I absolutely agree with the rest and have one to add.
    The douches who wear their bluetooth/phone ear-piece EVERYWHERE. Do you really need to have it while at the club? I think if you were that important that someone had to get a hold of you regardless of your location they would find alternate means. You probably would also need a secret service to assist you. Take off that ear-piece.

    P.S. I hope you come out with one for women.

  105. Clarence says:

    Men don’t argue on the internet. If you find that you disagree with a point on this list so deeply that you need to bitch and moan about it, I want your badge and gun on my desk in the morning.

  106. Adam says:

    I was loving the article until I got to the bike helmet part. I was riding through the city at about 25 mph when a car ran a red light and T-boned me. I was in intensive care for 2 weeks. The car’s hood looked like someone had dropped a bowling ball from 10 feet in the air. That’s where my head hit. The only reason I’m still alive is because I was wearing my “second skull.” So fuck your macho bullshit, unless you’re one of those pussies that floats through the city at 5mph with a basket on the front carrying your tote bag.

  107. Maria Pia says:

    I FUCKING <3 U!!!

  108. Abu Zia says:

    You forgot – a man knows how to start a fire. Without lighter fluid. In the rain. On a mountain. With two broken arms. And a magnifying glass. In the dark. Naked. Starving. Long beard. No conditioner in your hair. Dead horse. Revolver. Three bullets left. Good night.

  109. woman says:

    What about men that earn a living critiquing people’s outfits? Manly?

  110. Jasper says:

    #1: Don’t be a racist misogynist homophobe whoops guess you’re a woman.

  111. Joe t says:

    I break all the rules on your stupid fucking list and if you got a problem with it you can go fuck yourself…except the thing on the IPads, shit is dumb.

  112. Max says:

    I love how men are being objectified like women used to be. You could’ve written an article on “not being a slob”, “how to get women”, “how not to look immature”, but instead it is “how to be a man”. First of all, men can be whatever the fuck they want, and so can women. I can shove a fedora up my fucking ass and do a handstand in a bar. The problem is the author obviously has too much time on his hands to be paying attention and critical of the fashion of others.

    People are so superficial in America today, no understanding of the deeper truths that make us humans… the deeper love that create lasting relationships, whether it’s with a woman, a goat, or another man.

    If you want to be “the most manly man that’s ever lived”, go shoot up some testosterone. Ya you’ll attract a lot of women alright, ya you’ll act like a man alright.

    You people are all insane.

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