The fact that a wimp like me is forced to step in and remind men how to be men, shows just how far we’ve fallen. Here is a 12 step program to replenish your manhood which includes an update that lists a bunch more.
While getting drunk last night, I noticed a young man had plonked his sports bottle down on the bar like it was a gun and we were in the Wild West. I asked him what the fuck was up with that, and he explained he’d brought it with him to stay hydrated. “What you’re carrying is pussy kryptonite,” I said as Gran Torino-esquely as possible before adding, “Not only will you not get laid tonight, but you just blew it for your two friends there.” The bartender told me to mind my own business as I tried to explain the difference between bullying (picking on physical traits) and benevolence (telling someone what to throw in the garbage). Before the debate could be settled, his friend ordered a gin and tonic with lime, and I walked away in disgust.
I’m no Übermensch. I don’t know where the transmission is on a car and I’m not sure I’ve ever won a fight, but I have laid my fair share of fair ladies and can tell you that the American male’s infantilization has gone so far, it’s basically back in the womb.
Here are twelve essential tips to help get our nation’s testosterone levels back above sea level:
1. STOP ORDERING WOMEN’S DRINKS
The worst part about going to LA is having to wait behind metrosexuals as they order Absolut Orange with a twist of orange and a splash of seltzer while Max is having… “Max, what are you having again? Oh yeah, just a classic Appletini, please.” Hey, Buttwipe, we are all standing here waiting to get drunk by guzzling rotten barley, and you are stopping the presses with your sugary fruit punch? Just order five Buds for five buds and let’s get on with our lives. If you’re feeling creative, you may order a whiskey or a bourbon, and if you’re wary of spirits, take the edge off by getting it on the rocks. That’s it. And you can’t order wine at a bar. For dinner it’s fine, but we can’t have men in bars gently clasping that little glass stem and giggling with their buddies like they’re ecstatic about being fragile. Oh—and no low-calorie drinks, either.
2. CARRY A BRIEFCASE
Where did all the briefcases go? Even high-powered lawyers are walking around with courier bags as if they deliver their own affidavits for a living. It’s only a computer. Why does it have to dangle by your knees like a pothead’s DJ bag? Straps are for the airport, and even then they make you look like you bench-press daffodils for a living. If you are wearing a suit, you have to carry a leather briefcase or at the very least a Filson—not a nylon zip bag that you got free at a conference, not a tote (Jesus, totes? How did we get here? They are for women’s groceries), and not a backpack. I don’t know how many New Yorkers I’ve seen in pinstripe suits with futuristic-looking backpacks that have gel pockets and waterproof headphone holes. They look like accountants for the Sierra Club. If you’re riding your bicycle to work, fine, put on a knapsack. Your laptop is delicate, and to put it anywhere but your back is to jeopardize the hard drive. However, can you at least make it some kind of old-timey canvas and leather? Gadget packs make grown men look like eager-beaver space travelers. Also, after you get off your bike, please refrain from wearing your backpack in the elevator. Carry it at your side like a briefcase. Be a man for once in your life.
3. WHAT IS ON YOUR HEAD?
Fedoras and bike helmets could make even the Mighty Thor look like a retarded sissy infant. The only time a fedora is acceptable is if it’s the cherry on a 1950s sundae. That means: wingtips or brogues, a three-piece suit, a tie, a briefcase, a trench coat, and finally a hat. That is the only time you can wear a fedora. No matter where you are, pairing it with a T-shirt or (God forbid) shorts makes you look like a sports detective. Bald men are particularly guilty of this, and the fact that they think they’re fooling us is as insulting as a combover.
And what can I say about bike helmets that hasn’t been said about retarded people? When I was a kid, there was no such thing as a bike helmet. Most of us wouldn’t even wear shoes, and that includes girls. By summer’s end, our feet were so callused we could walk on heroin needles all the way to school and not notice. Today, “tough guys” are riding their bikes through the city with enough protection to survive a nuclear holocaust. Just as my reaction to these ridiculous drunk-driving laws is, “If you can’t command a vehicle after two beers, you can’t command a vehicle,” I say, “If you can’t ride a bicycle without wearing an extra skull, you can’t ride a bicycle.” Twenty years ago, if I saw an adult in a helmet, my first instinct would be sympathy. Today, it’s rage.
Just some buds havin’ a beer after work with their Swiss Army backpacks on the ground and their umbrellas on the bar.
4. NO UMBRELLAS
If you were to walk down the street in Glasgow carrying an umbrella, men would start coming out of pubs and walking menacingly toward you as if you were wearing a sandwich board that said, “BONNIE ENGLAND.” If you were to up the ante with rubber boots and a raincoat, you’d be stabbed. I second this emotion. Showing up to a meeting with your wee umbrella all bundled up in its little tube makes you look like you’re allergic to water, and such a person is obviously unfit to be called a man. If it’s pouring outside, get soaked.
5. CUT DOWN ON SHORTS
If you’re traveling only a few blocks in a flat area, wearing a suit on your bicycle is great, but if you’re a cheap-ass crowd-hater like me and you’re pedaling over the Brooklyn Bridge, there’s no sense in charbroiling your kneecaps. And what about the rest of the summer? Cargo shorts are obviously outlawed, as are the ridiculous wigger shorts grown men wear to the beach these days—“shorts” that are so long they are basically pants that scream, “I’M NOT GAY!” so loudly that it’s extremely gay. I think small tennis shorts are all right if the temperature climbs above 90 degrees. You can’t wear them at night, but some of us have breathtaking legs, and to let our pants go wet with sweat during a heat wave is to deprive women the right to let their panties go wet with lust.
6. GET THAT SHIT OUT OF YOUR HAIR
Men can have Brylcreem in their hair, but only to slick it back. The fact that adult males have no problem spiking their hair like the little kid in Jerry Maguire is living proof we have estrogened ourselves back into the Fag Age. It may look funky and fresh when you’re staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror, but by the time it gets to us, it looks like a pterodactyl was clipping his toenails over your head.
7. YOU MAY ONLY CRY TWICE
Up is an intense cartoon. The couple at the beginning spent their whole lives trying to conceive a child, and they failed. It took 30,000 years of post-Neanderthal evolution to get them to that point, and their family lineage comes to a dead end with a miscarriage. If that makes a tear fall down your cheek, be proud. You care about humanity. But you can’t do that thing where your whole face scrunches up like a baby taking a dump. Your face has to stay exactly as is. If your face starts to scrunch up anyway, bury it in your left hand and have some silent heaves. Outside of the film world, crying is only permitted at funerals, and it had better be while standing tall. Men aren’t allowed to give up and just say, “That’s it, I’m bawling my eyes out,” because now we’re left with nobody to shield us from harm. It’s like when you’re flying in a tiny one-prop plane and your wife is petrified of the turbulence. You have to explain, “Honey, it’s just a bus that goes in the sky. They do this trip dozens of times a day, relax,” while quietly filling your underwear with diarrhea.
8. STOP CARESSING HER AND FUCK HER
I’m not sure when we started listening to sexless lesbians for heterosexual advice, but women don’t want to be cherished with permission. They want to be eaten alive. We didn’t get here by being cool to each other, so fucking grab that bitch and show her the evolutionary truth that she’s a mouse and you’re a snake. I’m not saying you have to rape a bitch, but let’s stop pretending that “no” means “no.” “No” means “maybe.” THREE “noes” mean “no.”
9. COVER YOUR MAN TOES
The first thing I always say about mandals is, “What if someone slaps your girl and you have to chase them?” Nobody’s saying you have to be Randy “Macho Man” Savage (RIP) and pile-drive everyone who doesn’t open the door for your lady, but flip-flops render you incapable of physical combat. Shit, I don’t even think mandals should be allowed on the beach. Wear your sneakers to the beach. When you get to your towel, you can leave them there before swimming or, if the sand is hot, wear them to the tide’s edge and leave them there. Men are wearing flip-flops to work, parent-teacher interviews, apartment closings, and the dentist. Wearing mandals reveals a level of shameless self-love that reminds me of a baby playing with his penis while he gets his diaper changed. I barely want to look at a woman’s hideous black toenail polish on the filthy city streets. Seeing your mangled foot-claws flip and flop through dog shit is like forcing us to watch you masturbate.
10. WHAT’S ON YOUR T-SHIRT?
I’m not even sure you can wear only a T-shirt, but assuming no collar is acceptable, why is a grown-ass man advertising what band he likes? If you’re over 30, nobody gives a shit what you like. Stop pledging allegiance to The Ramones as if someone is going to be so inspired by your cool-dad pose, they immediately buy Rocket to Russia. It’s no longer your job to mine out the hottest bands and proudly announce your allegiance for all the world to see.
11. YOU CAN ONLY CALL YOUR WIFE ONCE A DAY
And even then you should do it in private. Nothing sickens a coworker more than hearing a man say, “I love you, honey” while sitting at his desk. Who is that, your mommy? If you’re on a business trip and you miss her, give her a call when you’re back at the hotel. Do not check in with her after every meeting and say, “That went really well.” You sound like a Jewish virgin who still lives at home. Saying, “I have to call my wife” when faced with a major decision translates as, “I have to call my husband.” Unless you’re buying her a purse for her birthday, there should never be a situation where you need her help to go forward. On the show Shark Tank, I saw a young entrepreneur who received an offer to finance his invention, and he asked if he could phone to check with his spouse first. The investors pulled the deal. One of them said she doubts he has the chutzpah to run his own company. He has not received a blowjob since.
12. iPADS ARE FOR GIRLS
I guess you can have an iPad at home and browse the Net while you’re watching TV, but bringing it out of the house is utterly verboten. Men are meant to jot things down and send comments to colleagues while doing research. That means they need a big notepad and a bigger keyboard. The iPad is for observers, not creators, and when you read books with it on the train or even bring it to meetings (I’ve seen this many times), it means you are not here to participate in the business world. You’re here to peruse.
Here is the fundamental point behind all these rules: A grown man is meant to be prepared for conflict and provide for his wife and family. Indulging oneself like a gay teen on vacation is not only abandoning your post, it’s leaving women to pick up the slack. And nobody wants a world like that—especially women.
UPDATE: 10 more! Since first publishing this story here, I thought of a whole bunch more. Please continue to add some in the comments but DO NOT disagree with any listed here.
1- NO SQUARE-TOED SHOES
This almost goes without saying, almost, but the one common characteristic of all douchebags besides striped dress shirts and stressed denim is square-toed shoes. If you like getting turned away by the door girl and being mistaken for a date rapist, square your toes. If not, stick to round or pointy.
2- NO SMALL DOGS
Winston Churchill once said, “Anyone who hates those little fucking snappy dogs for lonely women can’t be all bad” and I agree. Small dogs are affection mutants invented to companion the elderly. Not only can you not have a small dog, you can’t even walk your stripper girlfriend’s when she’s too hungover to get out of bed.
3- NO LETTING HER DRIVE
I know a guy in Costa Rica who rents out ATVs and he secretly told me he hates renting to women unless their dykes. Sorry ladies but you suck at driving and the only way we’re going to let you sit in the driver’s seat is if it’s your car.
4- NO ANONYMOUS COMMENTS
Nothing beats the irony of a skull avatar named Anonymous calling people out for being pussies. Why isn’t your IM your actual name you coward? What are you scared of, your opinions getting you in trouble? Nobody cares what you think when your testicles are ball bearings so cut the tough guy shit.
5- NO HIDING YOUR PENIS
Guys who take their towel to the shower at the gym are scared of what exactly? That we’re going to laugh at their penis? That some gay dude is going to drool at its gorgeousness? Call me closed-minded but I don’t give a flying fuck about your dick. Hiding your nudity at the gym implies your nude body is special to me and that is fucking gay.
6- NO IGNORING BROKEN THINGS
If you are taking a piss and it doesn’t flush right, fix it. I don’t care if you’re at a friend’s house or in an office building. Lift the lid off the tank and reattach the chain to the plug thingie. This goes for all repairs outside of complex plumbing or electrical. If it seems complicated, Google it. If all this sounds intimidating, subscribe to this.
7- NO MANSCAPING
A woman brought this up after reading the above article and I had to admit I hadn’t really thought about it before. Do men still shave their chests and like, groom their pubes? I thought that was a teenage phase kids with piercings do shortly after discovering porn. At the risk of sounding redundant, no you may no trim you’re fucking anal hairs you asshole! Women want to fuck the dirtbag cokehead from Winter’s Bone, not the manboy popstar from Never Say Never.
8- NO WASHING YOUR HANDS AFTER YOU PISS
Most adult males have pissed about 20,000 times. You hold it in the middle and then kind of milk it at the end to get out the last drops. If you can’t do that without getting piss all over your hands, you need to go back to diapers and start again. Women suck that thing so touching it with your grubby hands is nothing worth running to the sink over.
9- NO ALIMONY
The fact that men get alimony from rich women makes me heave. The whole thing was invented for the fat Italian nona who spent her whole life making spaghetti for her boys and has no hopes of employment after being abandoned by her cheating wop husband. A grown man can’t ask a woman to pay for the lifestyle he’s become accustomed to, are you insane? I heard Jesse James on Howard Stern talking about his divorce with Sandra Bullock and after being asked if he was going to take any alimony James said, “Nope. That’s not how I roll.” What a load of bullocks.
10- NO CUNNILINGUS
Eating pussy is for fags.
(Just kidding – I needed 10)
And remember: You’re not a man until you’ve…
1- Had your heart broken.
2- Broken a girl’s heart.
3- Had the shit kicked out of you.
4- Kicked the shit out of a guy.