The all-female editorial staff of Jezebel throws a party celebrating the decline of White Male Privilege.
Let’s be honest: 2012 was a horrible year.
It might be the most miserable year in recorded history, not only because of the numerous disasters and killings, but because all the tragedies came sandwiched between agonizingly long periods of mind-numbing boredom. If—like me—you’re easily prone to depression and misanthropy, 2012 might’ve been the year that finally broke you down, the year your hatred and despair reached a critical point.
Maybe you’ve been toying with the idea of suicide. We all need toys for Christmas.
I’ve decided to stick around for this miserable ride, but 2012 almost made me reconsider.
Any hope that this would become the most exciting, the happiest, the funkiest, and most gosh-darned amazing year in the history of humankind quickly evaporated on the first of January as I opened my eyes and stared into your mother’s sperm-caked face, her soulless eyes barely open, the air filled with the smell of prawns gone bad.
Let’s take a closer look at the dying body of the syphilitic crack whore that was 2012, at least as vaguely remembered by yours truly. I have an extremely selective memory, and I’ve probably forgotten lots of important stuff, but that’s my brain for you.
January 7: Somewhere over the Carterton area of New Zealand, a hot-air balloon collides with a high-voltage power line while attempting to land, causing it to catch fire and crash. All eleven people onboard die. If there’s anything 2012 shows, it’s that innocent fun so quickly can turn into carnage.
February 6: Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee. Thousands of monarchist idiots celebrate 60 years of reign and that the leathery old cunt just won’t lie down and croak. For our American readers, I should explain that monarchy is a form of government based on the belief that heavy inbreeding makes you a great leader.
When he’s not helping save endangered African children, Jason Russell relaxes by running naked through the streets of San Diego.
March 5: Invisible Children Inc. releases the Kony 2012 movie, making thousands of slacktivists all over the world feel good about themselves for doing pretty much nothing. The movie was soon exposed for being several kinds of rubbish, and Jason Russell from Invisible Children Inc. was seen naked in the streets of San Diego masturbating and yelling at people. Masturbation seemed to be something of a trend in the early months of 2012.
March 23: Binh Thau Luc goes berserk on his fellow yellows.
April 13: North Korean rocket—carrying an observation satellite, according to North Korean officials—explodes right after launch, providing some comic relief.
America is a sick, disgusting, violent country. Oh, wait—that’s Mexico.
May 5-15: Over a span of ten days, 81 people are found decapitated in several places in Mexico, victims of the brutal wars between Mexican drug cartels. It’s not easy being a Mexican if you don’t have a head on which to place your sombrero.
June 16: Chickens get mixed up in the debate about homosexual marriage.
July 4: Millions of people pretend to know what a Higgs boson is just so they can be ecstatic about CERN finding it.
July 20: James Holmes goes berserk inside a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, killing 12 and injuring 59. But don’t be fooled by this: The Dark Knight Rises is actually a pretty good movie.
July 27: The Summer Olympics in London start. Only deranged people care. The Winter Olympics are so much more fun.
Sometime in July, Nigerian businessman Uroko Onoja was raped to death by his six wives.
August 5: Wade Michael Page, a white supremacist—despite there being nothing particularly supreme about him—started shooting at a Sikh temple, killing six and injuring four, before blowing his own brains out.
August 6: Millions of people pretend to know anything about space exploration just so they can be ecstatic about Curiosity landing on Mars.
September 22: Alexander Broughton’s anus turns famous.
Jimmy Savile, England’s most delightful dead pedophile.
October 14: Felix Baumgartner plunges toward Earth. Millions of people are slightly disappointed that his parachute opened.
October 24-30: Hurricane Sandy hits large parts of the American continent, killing 253 people. The name “Sandy” will show up again in December due to even darker circumstances.
November 6: Barack Obama gets reelected as president despite the United States still being a racist country. Cognitive dissonance among the Jezebel staff reaches critical levels.
November 14-21: Israel and Palestine are throwing their annual tantrums. The rest of the world doesn’t even pretend to be surprised.
December 4: A nurse kills herself after being victim of a fairly boring prank call. The whole world pretends that prank calls often result in suicides, tut-tutting about the DJs’ inability to see it coming.
December 10: The European Union receives The Nobel Peace Prize, sliding neatly into a long list of reasons why Norway shouldn’t be allowed to handle that award. Please, somebody take it away from us.
December 11: Jacob Tyler Roberts commits the Clackamas Town Center Shooting, managing to kill two people before ending his own life.
December 14: Adam Lanza kills his mother at home, then 26 children and staff members at the Sandy Hook Elementary School, before finally sending a bullet through his own deranged mind. Unlike with brown-skinned Jacob Tyler Roberts, Lanza’s skin color suddenly seems to matter a great deal, with Jezebel (God, I hate those guys!) among others screaming about rampage killing being a mostly white crime, which is of course frighteningly wrong.
The retarded idea that loss of “White Male Privilege” is the reason why white men and boys occasionally commit violence seems to be popular among certain gullible leftist types these days. We’ll see more of this in 2013.
December 21: Coming up: The End of the World.
2012 also saw its fair share of celebrity deaths, yet most of them were incredibly dull.
Dave Brubeck, first to perform annoying jazz hit “Take Five,” decided to finally take forever.
Philanthropist and Spawner of Demons Dame Elisabeth Murdoch left this Earth on December 5 after being summoned back by the dark lord Choronzon. May her shrieks reach the furthest corners of hell.
There were some sad passings, though. Ravi Shankar and Sir Patrick Moore were two decent dudes in my opinion, but they were old and there will always be more sitar players and astronomers in this world. Life goes on.
After a century of peaceful livin’, Lonesome George finally retracted into that Great Turtle Shell in the Sky.
The most heartbreaking celebrity death of 2012 was that of Lonesome George, the beautiful old Pinta Island tortoise who’d been peacefully walking this Earth for over a century. Found by humans in 1971, George was already then suffering from that saddest of fates: he was the last of his kind. Attempts to mate him with tortoises of slightly different subspecies resulted in eggs, but none that hatched, and so Lonesome George died alone and of old age, though a century is not that old for a Galápagos tortoise. Poor Lonesome George, last of the magnificent Pinta tortoises.
Well, not the last.
The death of Lonesome George is extra heartbreaking because in November, not long after his death, researchers from Yale discovered that several of his relatives are actually alive and well on Isabela Island, possibly dumped there by whalers and pirates ages ago. These Pinta tortoises will now be reintroduced to their original island of Pinta, the island poor George walked alone all those years.
If that doesn’t make you depressed for the rest of the year, you’re a colder person than I am.
I fucking hated 2012. Now let’s bury the bitch and move on.