Posted by
Robert Lanham
• 05.19.09 09:00 am

God knows I’ve written some mindless schlock through the years for a paycheck. If you visited the Schlitterbahn Waterpark based on the copy I wrote for The Texas Tourism Board, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize.

God knows I’ve written some mindless schlock through the years for a paycheck. If you visited the Schlitterbahn Waterpark based on the copy I wrote for The Texas Tourism Board, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize. But one thing I’d never do is author one of those ubiquitous ‘sex tips’ articles. Whenever I encounter one, I always envision it being written by a woman with a Betty Page hairdo who practices—with lips puckered— over-enunciating the word ‘pussy’ in her suburban bathroom mirror as a form of self-actualization. Or perhaps by some lotion-addicted man with a creepy, yet well-conditioned ponytail.

But as it turns out, the stupidest sex tips article I’ve ever encountered appeared in Men’s Health earlier this year. It was written by a guy named Ted Spiker (who looks nothing like what I’ve just described) and Siski Green author of The Little Bit Naughty Book of Kama Sutra Positions. I couldn’t find a picture of her, but I’m willing to gamble on the Betty Page ‘do.

I realize that Men’s Health has way too much hairless-man-pectoral to be considered required reading for the average heterosexual male. But Christ, if you’re going to author a listicle for a men’s magazine entitled “33 Simple Sex Tips to Turn Her On,” at least make an attempt at offering some useful knowledge to the 40-50 straight men who actually read the thing.

For starters, you may want to avoid referring to a woman’s elbows and knees as “hinges,” as the authors do in number 11. And while I’m on the subject, how in God’s name could anyone think number 15 is a good idea:

“Season her belly with a little salt, and then slowly lick it off.”

Salt? WTF? You had two authors and presumably and editor working on this thing. None one of you found the idea of turning your partner into a human salt lick fucking retarded odd?

And these two examples don’t even qualify as the most perplexing tips on the list. In fact, when I got to sex tip number 20, I had to double-check the address bar on my browser to make sure I wasn’t reading The Onion:

20. Blindfold Yourself

Many women who are insecure about their bodies stick to the missionary position because you can’t see their bodies that way. If you really can’t see her because your eyes are covered, she’ll do a lot more with you, to you, and for you.

Um. No. Even if she isn’t insecure about her body, she’s going to be if she thinks you need a blindfold to fuck her. Why not just throw a bag over her head and tape some pornography to the spot where her face used to be? If you blindfold yourself she’s going to think you’re repulsed by the sight of her. So let me repeat: DON’T DO THIS.

And then there’s the obligatory food stuff. Maybe I’m traumatized by seeing Nine ½ Weeks at way too early an age, but more often than not bringing food into the bedroom just seems, well, cheesy.

“Turn her body into a juicer” suggests number 12 as sexpert, Ava Cadell, chimes in with the follow-through: “[and] devour both her and the fruit.” By this point the “her” that you’re allegedly supposed to be seducing sounds more like an energy slushy from Jamba Juice than someone you’re about to have sex with. (Incidentally, Ava’s got the aforementioned Betty Page ‘do. Just as I suspected.)

And then there’s number seven: “roll a chilled can of soda along the backs of her thighs.”

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m assuming that the words “hey baby, put an extra can of Sprite in the fridge… I’m gonna can-roll the shit out of your thighs tonight!” have never been uttered by a human being.

Speaking of drinks, number 33 has another beverage-themed suggestion:

“Direct a fan at her…then pour peppermint schnapps into her belly button.”

Let’s be clear, the fan thing is just weird. Despite what the authors suggest fans, spray bottles (number 18), and microwaves (number 15) will not spice up your sex life. Fucking does. And unless you’re a homeless Polish man or a 13-year-old getting your first buzz on, you’re not likely to have any peppermint schnapps in the house anyway.

Of course, I would be remiss if I failed to mention tip number seven, where the authors encourage us dumb heterosexual lugs to tell our underappreciated ladies why we love them:

“Anyone can say, ‘I love you,’ so explain why. Maybe it’s the way she nibbles at a KitKat…”

A KitKat? That’s why you love her? Really? Maybe if you’re a feeder trying to plump your woman up to a size 19. “Hey baby, eat another Milky Way. You look amazing with nougat on your jowls. That’s why I love you sugarmuffin.”

Again, don’t do this.

From here things become a little frightening as the authors move into serial killer territory. “Embrace her until she makes the move to leave…make it clear you don’t want the hug to end.” And if turning yourself into a pair of human vice grips doesn’t sufficiently restrain her, why not transform her into a “bedroom burrito” by “wrapping her up in the sheet so she can’t do anything with her arms.”

Typical serial killers, decorate entire walls with photos and news clippings of their muse. But thankfully Spiker and Green offer some less clichéd suggestions. “Write her name on your shoulder,” they suggest or “turn winter gloves inside out, put them on, and massage her with the soft side.” And if the above tips fail to woo her “apply her lipstick” or “brush and wash her hair.” You know, just like that dude who collects skins did in Silence of the Lambs.

To be fair, the authors do have a couple of decent suggestions:

“[Remember] the details of your first meeting: where you were, what she was wearing, what you said, and how you felt. Recount them. Often.”

This is great. Do this.

“In public, at a party, tell her what you want to do to her later.”

This is okay too.

But then they ruin it. See number 26 where they recommend venturing into “the closet” for a quickie. Evidently women love having sex in cramped, 6 -by-8-foot spaces while being pressed up against the vacuum cleaner. Of course, I’d be misguided if was expecting to find enlightening ‘tips to turn her on’ from a magazine read almost exclusively by gay men. But come on, you’d think common sense would inform the authors that a sex tip is failing if they have to remind their readers to “watch that shoe tree!”

And speaking of being traumatized by Nine ½ Weeks, the authors even manage to bungle a tip intended for that, uh, steamy sex icon Mickey Rourke. Either they’re making a joke or they missed every available photo of the actor from the last 20 years. (It’s just not clear which.) But in the event that this comeback star of The Wrestler is revisiting some of his old ‘80s moves and getting ready to hit the skins—I imagine that’s what Rourke calls it—they offer up this bit of advice:

“The best foods for sex are fruits that you can rub onto the body… Get sticky, shower, repeat. If you’re Mickey Rourke, skip the shower. ”

We love you Mickey. And God knows Courtney Love is a little unkempt herself. But for the love of God, don’t do this.


Comments
  1. fuck first says:

    this was kinda funny. kudos!

  2. Protector of Men says:

    The blindfold warning was hilarious and utterly true. It could only get more awful if the blindfoldee became claustrophobic and suffered a minor panic attack.
    Also, wouldn’t the whole vulnerability/scrabbly arms/lack of balance/confusion turn these hot-blooded Men’s Health readers into pathetic accident-prone schoolgirls?

  3. Street Boring says:

    Que ‘too long’….

    ‘I’d be misguided if was expecting to find enlightening ‘tips to turn her on’ from a magazine read almost exclusively by gay men.’

    Here’s to your ‘coming out’ party on SBTVC!!!!

  4. Street Boring says:

    I meant ‘cue’.

  5. SHITCOCK says:

    Here’s a sex tip: don’t ask before peeing in her mouth, she’ll probably just say no. You can just play it off like you were enjoying yourself so much you lost control.

  6. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    A++++++++++

  7. DamnDanMan says:

    “I’m gonna can-roll the shit out of your thighs tonight!”

  8. i took your bitch says:

    you had me at kit kat. my ex girlfriend used to buy me bags of reeses cups for no reason, simply because they were my favorite. then i would devour them on the car ride from my house to hers and not give her a single one. then we would have unprotected sex all nite which im guessing is how i contracted HPV.

  9. Corrections Dept. says:

    In my experience, Men’s Health is read by middle-aged divorced men. Just because there are dudes in it doesn’t make it gay.

    Also, how can a ponytail be inherently “creepy?”

  10. too long says:

    im a little late to this party, but yeah, too long; didn’t read. srsly.

  11. Dork says:

    If you are going to read sex tips they should be written by someone who has actually touched another person.

  12. Kennedy says:

    corrections dept.

    You are and old gay divorced guy with a ponytail and a Men’s Health subscription?

  13. ew says:

    i didn’t read cuz making fun of men’s health is about as easy as making fun of the creepy closeted middle aged jeffrey dahmer mother fuckers that read it but eeeeew, theres a picture of a pr milf!!!!!!! i bet she says ” blow yob”

  14. Vane$$a says:

    This ain’t the fucking New York Times, man. Tone down the journalistic hubris a tad. Reading this is like listening to (and smelling) John Houseman fart after eating rotten foie gras. Capiche?

  15. M. el says:

    How come none of you twittering-glazed-anal-holes liked the Blognigger post today? Normally yall leave fifty or sixty comments, what gives?

  16. srsly says:

    i would be remiss if i didn’t say this sucked a bag of hpv encrusted cocks

  17. srsly says:

    i wud be remiss if i didn’t say this sucked a bagful of hpv encrusted cocks

  18. FaceKick says:

    I tried the Peppermint Schnapps with my old lady and she said it felt like she was in a dirty York Peppermint Patty commercial.

  19. Felonious says:

    That shit was funny.

  20. Anonymous says:

    my pussy nodded off halfway through. more pretty piccies, less worded wordies. pwetty pweeze wiz shugah ontop.

  21. todd says:

    i read the first half!

  22. todd says:

    Boring.

  23. BAPS says:

    Aren’t you too big to write for this thing? Not only because you’re a published author, but because I would have sex with you.

  24. Super Zombie Strippers says:

    that was retardedly hilarious and anyone who disagrees needs to get their money back at the sense of humour store.. ““turn winter gloves inside out, put them on, and massage her with the soft side.” And if the above tips fail to woo her “apply her lipstick” or “brush and wash her hair.” You know, just like that dude who collects skins did in Silence of the Lambs.” hahah this is exactly the type of thing that would be found in a serial killers portfolio.. all i can say is roflmao.

  25. French Ass Raper says:

    It didn’t mention putting a crucifix in her vagina. I thought that would be obvious.

  26. till507 says:

    gold.

  27. HalfAfrican says:

    20. Blindfold Yourself

    Many women who are insecure about their bodies stick to the missionary position because you can’t see their bodies that way. If you really can’t see her because your eyes are covered, she’ll do a lot more with you, to you, and for you.

    Um. No. Even if she isn’t insecure about her body, she’s going to be if she thinks you need a blindfold to fuck her. Why not just throw a bag over her head and tape some pornography to the spot where her face used to be?

    That shit had me LOLing. and I fucking hate people who write LOL

  28. Lovehawk (Thee Oh Gee) says:

    Uproarious, tender, barbed, droll, perhaps the finest of posts yet. Readers all of us ought join together in a loud hum of approbation.

  29. teenage wizard says:

    to quote myspace, “kudos”

    this had me laughing. to all who claim it’s too long, can you seriously not pay attention for the 5 minutes it takes to read 1,250 words?

  30. teenage witch says:

    bravo! bravo!

  31. Fat one from the backstreet boys says:

    Has this guy written for S before? This is genuinely funny, how can that be? Bring back Kyle and his terrible fucking dogshit writing, huge cock and downes syndrome face I say.

  32. Anna says:

    Haha good job on this post.. it’s about fucking time!

  33. Vane$$a in Bitch Mode says:

    Last 10 comments written by blognigger.

  34. SARS says:

    I’m really hoping the mens health article was a joke

    I cant possibly fathom that these tips are ‘serious’ coming from these so-called ‘sexperts’

    Sounds like a conniving giggle-fest on their end

  35. WhatWhatInTheButt says:

    On the missionary position justification in #20, as a woman confident in her body and her sexuality, I like missionary BECAUSE IT’S EASIEST TO GET OFF, assholes. even sexually less experienced men probably know that it’s not always easy for us women to get off from intercourse and particularly when you add in the factor of doing so within a similar timeframe to when the men we’re fucking are getting off (meaning for optimal mutual comfort i want to get off shortly before or after him), I enjoy a position where my fingers have easy access to my clit and tongue (for extra lubrication). The whole ‘missionary is vanilla’ ad campaign is clearly male-oriented propaganda.

  36. Tex says:

    What the fuck is wrong with Schlitterbahn Waterpark?

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