1. OLD GUYS WITH STYLE Look at this dude. He probably gets more pussy than you and any of your snatch-chasing pals.
1. OLD GUYS WITH STYLE
Look at this dude. He probably gets more pussy than you and any of your snatch-chasing pals. The reason why is simple: Girls love father figures, but also want a guy who’s fashionable. He’s got both down. Combine that with the fact that he’s got about a hundred cool stories about how he spent his youth getting wasted (like you) but has now gotten his shit together (unlike you), and what you’re left with is a Viagra-fueled cock waiting to explode in some 18-year-old vag.
2. YOUNG SKINNY GUYS
I’m getting old (but not old enough to be in the category above). My metabolism isn’t what it used to be. How do I keep up with people like this? That shirt and those glasses would look stupid on anyone over 150 pounds, and I so wanna wear that shirt and those glasses!
Karla has a blog where she takes pictures of herself wearing clothes. That’s it, nothing more to it. It’s not revolutionary, but it is pretty damn sexy. Karla gives me butterflies and she works the shit out of polka dots and zebra prints. I hate her because she makes me realize my girlfriend is ugly and fails at fashion. Sure, Karla looked better before she cut her hair, but the bottom line is Karla is stylish and lovely and perfect, and my girlfriend is stupid. Stupid and ugly!
4. OVERLY KOOKY GIRLS
Where would we go on a date? What books do you read? Do you even have a TV? Oh, you spend all day sitting in cafes drinking weird types of coffee that I’ve never even heard of while you quote lines from Pink Flamingos. I really wanna fuck you, but I don’t see an opening.
5. KIDS WHO TRY TOO HARD
None of your friends look like you, so you probably feel like an “outsider,” right? And I’m guessing your parents think that fashion is a cool hobby for little Lina — or “Fabo-lina” as your Tumblr followers know you. Thing is, by the time you’re 18, you’ll have sucked off enough old guys with style to write a book on it. This angers me because it’ll probably be a bestseller and that will make you a more accomplished writer than me. Fuck you.
6. WACKY CAMP AZN’S
You can only imagine the type of conversations you’d have with this guy. Double entendres about giving handjobs and Master’s classes on how to walk in heels. He probably talks in some annoying high-pitched Azn tone too, like a hyperactive little girl stuck in a little Asian boys body. Cool green fur stole, though.