Posted by
Kyle McInnes
• 12.17.09 11:35 am


We’ve been Tweeting our fucking knickers off for years now but there’s still only 2,000 of you. This site has five times as many watchers so that leaves 8,000 people deprived of magic lines like, “Tiger Woods just changed his name to The Situation.” Here’s 87 more:

We’ve been Tweeting our fucking knickers off for years now but there’s still only 2,000 of you. This site has five times as many watchers so that leaves 8,000 people deprived of magic lines like, “Tiger Woods just changed his name to The Situation.” Here’s 87 more:

1. A #1 = pee. A #2 = poo. And a #1.5 is EXTREMELY viscous gonorrhea.

2. NYpost.com advertisers should probably take it easy on the random stock images

3. Grab your buddy’s phone and change your name to “Perfect Ass.” When he gets back to his girlfriend’s place, text “need your cock again.”

4. Both Bomiva and Viagra are meant to prevent bone loss.

5. Obama-shaped Ecstasy seems awesome now, but in 100 days we’ll all end up disillusioned

6. Whatever, I think Japanese girls are hot: Sosumi.

7. It’s been MONTHS since the Condé Nast layoffs and I have yet to see any substantial improvement to NY’s hooker workforce

8. Yeah I’m retarded, RETARDED LIKE A FOX!

9. My fellow inmates like to throw shit and piss at the guards but I prefer tears. It’s more intense.

10. Is it arrogant to think you could take 10 million zombies?

11. Hemorrhoids are bad but they’re not as bad as colon cancer. They’re like semicolon cancer.

12. Muslim friends over for Thanksgiving. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to spoonfeed their baby – he keeps trying to hijack the little plane

13. This girl just jacked me off with her vagina. Oh wait, that’s called “fucking.”

14. Glancing at one’s web cookies is a real slap-in-the-face to the notion one’s been working hard all day.

15. Thanks to pot, I only got 11 hours sleep last night.

16. Just saw a black cop buying a dozen donuts. I wonder what’s more embarrassing: that, or buying a watermelon in civilian clothes?

17. This may not be a big deal to you but I’m pretty sure my electric pencil sharpener just broke.

18. The 3 biggest lies in NYC: 1. The check is in the mail 2. I won’t cum in your mouth 3. There’s a train directly behind this

19. Bucket list #37: Recreating Mask but with David Cross as Rocky Dennis (no makeup at all – just him).

20. BREAKING: ’30 Rock’ actor in need of a kidney; ‘Idol’ host in need of a butt-cock

21. It’s weird Mac Cosmetics is all about stopping AIDS because make-up sex is how most people get it in the first place.

DAD JOKES
22. The Beatles are a great band if you’re 6.

23. I’d love to see a reality show where white Park Slope moms have to go to Brownsville and be their nanny’s nanny.

24. I was ok watching my wife shit blood on the birthing table, but I have to draw the line at her making me watch “Rachel Getting Married.”

25. Organic diapers are a great way to save the planet and give your kid a rash.

26. Can you believe the Clauses are childless? How bittersweet the holidays must be for them.

27. I don’t recommend going to your daughter’s room when she’s crying about monsters IF you’re stoned. You will believe her.

28. If a businessman is an asshole they say he’s “hungry” but if a businessbaby does it he’s “colicy.”

29. No Google! Not a ring for my baby toe. I’m looking for a toe ring for my baby!

30. I don’t push my kids too hard because I want them to be happy. With my farts, it’s the opposite.

31. OJ’s kids are like, “I’m thankful for mom– oh… I’m thankful for da– oh…” Them and Michael Jackson’s kids should do an album.

32. Grampa Ted has Alzheimers so we put him at the Kid’s Table- but now he keeps telling my neice that her 12yo sister is “some piece of ass.”

33. BREAKING: Obama green lights 30,000 more troops for the War on Christmas!

34. My dog has breast cancer. She’s going to lose a third of her breasts.

35. Black women can wear high heels all day and not complain. So what happens when they wear sneakers? Ever seen the Olympics?

36. What’s worse than Reply All? It’s SPAM but from your friends.

37. booyah nigga means “I don’t want that” in Chinese #omgfacts
[Ed note: This is not a joke. This is a fact. Go ask a Chinese speaker. We’re not kidding!]

38. For the record, Ludacris would like you to know he’s “addicted to clothes.” Shop til u drop muthafuckas!

39. Adderall farts have to be seen to be believed.

40. That’s the most retarded question since, “Are you awake?”

41. Starting a straight edge movement where we ONLY smoke pot. It’s called “Baked and Aware.”

42. Pallbearer’s shoulder: A degenerative bone disease you get from knowing junkies for 15 years.

THE BOW SERIES
43a. I’m so hungry I got a Big Mac Attack you could tie a bow on.

43b. I’m so horny, I got a boner you could tie a bow on.

43c. I’m so horny I got a boner you could tie into a bow if it ever got soft which it won’t so fuck your bow. And fuck you.

43d. And fuck me while you’re at it because, like I said, I’m horny.

44. According to the images in Google Maps, the Bowery is way more gentrified than I thought.

45. They should do PSAs in a language young people can understand. As in, “Drugs are for fucking faggots!”

46. They say anyone can be president but that’s not entirely true. What if your name was Kitty Cat Farts for example?

47. Went to a handicapped club last night and all the fags in wheelchairs were facial vogueing.

48. If I was an action hero I’d be called Joey [Explosion] where people would have to make an explosion sound with their mouth each time.

49. Mofo mo problems.

50. “Funny People” is a good movie if you like hats.

51. Nothing gets a woman angrier with you than knowing deep down that something is her fault.

52. 89% of cops are elder brothers #omgfacts

53. I had a teacher in high school who liked to go the bathroom on people’s dreams.

54. “Black Friday” is an offensively stupid name. With bargain blowouts like these, it’s obviously “Jewish Friday.”

55. It’s very flattering to discover how many fat chicks want to sit on my face. Oh wait, I meant “flattening.”

56. Reason why beer is better than woman #317: Beer doesn’t get all freaked out when it catches you looking at gay porn.

57. It took a few joints but I finally get what chicks are saying about chocolate.

58. What can I tell ya, god is a dick: He gives the kid Christie Brinkley’s musical talent and Billy Joel’s looks.

THE THREE 6 MAFIA SERIES

59. You know you’re too old for rap when you hear 3 6 Mafia’s ” On Some Chrome” and realize the beat is Dmytrovych’s “Carol of the Bells.”

60. All I want for Christmas is DJ Paul’s baby arm.

61. “Hateism is a disease, it’s kinda like AIDS.” -Three 6 Mafia

62. Hot dogs are a great way to make your burps smell like farts.

63. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to cut my own fucking head off. I’ll never do it though. Because if I do, the terrorists have won.

64. Doctor just asked me my job. “To throw shit at the wall and see what sticks,” I said. What if it doesn’t stick? He asked. “I tape it there.”

65. Watching V made me so mad at lizards, I cancelled Geico.

66. Apparently my dad’s working at omgfacts now. RT @OMGFacts: Rapper LL Cool J’s name is short for Ladies Love Cool James. #omgfacts

67. Whether I’m nude or not, people always say the same thing when they meet me, “What a dick!”

THE TIGER WOODS SERIES
68. Oh phew, he’s only quitting *golf* – I was afraid Tiger had announced he was gonna give up pussy

69. The Asian bad-driver gene is SO powerful, that even tempered by 50% blackness, the best Asian Athlete in America still can’t drive for shit.

70. Think Tiger’s in trouble for fucking 10+ women? It’s nothing compared to the shitstorm he’d have faced for fucking ONE guy.

71. Well, TMZ has the pics- it looks like Tiger Woods’ wife did something no golfer ever could: Beat him with a 5 iron

72. What do Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common? They both get clubbed by Norweigans

73. Tiger Woods a pimp! My man! This is the greatest image makeover a whiteblack guy has had since Wayne Brady went on Chappelle.

74. Meredith Baxter just admitted to the world her face is made of foreskins

75. I didn’t do nothing to nobody… NOT!

THE SEAGAL SERIES
76. From Wiki: “Steven Seagal is an American action movie actor, … philanthropist, … energy drink entrepreneur, and deputy sheriff.”

77. Steven Seagal speaks perfect black.

78. “It even makes ME cringe,” -Steven Seagal’s brother Beanie on Steven’s fake black accent.

79. Steven Seagal is a helpaholic.

80. After 2011, it’s game on: Let’s see who can do something SO fucked up that it forces Oprah to come out of retirement.

81. Never realized how perverted Billy Joel is. I’m Listening to the Vietnam joint where his whole crew eats out this girl Heather

82. In 28 days Guthrie wrote 26 songs. Whoa. He almost worked 8 hours a day!

83. Blind people are disgusting. Oh, and so are snitches so you better not tell them I wrote that.

84. This homeless stock image gets better every day

-KYLE MCINNES


Comments
  1. kure kure takora says:

    why should I get a twitter account if you’re just going to post them here anyways.

    and yes, rachel getting married was probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching.

  2. Brooklyn Joo says:

    ’cause “tweeting” is for faggots and 12 year-old girls, that’s why

    p.s. “Jersey Shore” is not entertaining, funny, ironic, etc.; it’s just bad t.v.

  3. homeless. says:

    haha, wtf, ive been waiting for someone to tackle that beared guy pic,

  4. c. roco says:

    twttr Ro0lz

  5. amber says:

    you have to post another one for posting the billy joel christie brinkley one twice!

  6. bolo says:

    wow, that was akward…

  7. HOMO says:

    fucking funny!

  8. seriously now says:

    did jeff foxworthy hack your twitter account? this sucked.

  9. Buttlove says:

    Your dad jerked me off with his asshole.

  10. […] always get a few comments on our Tweet posts from people who don’t get jokes, like “What the fuck is this shit?” or […]


Leave A Reply