Don’t let what your dad says about your jaundiced, estranged uncle Charlie fool you: AA is for morons.
According to your family, the AA program saved Uncle Charlie’s life. It did! Then it turned him into God-fearing, powerless retard who sits in a church basement and spews unscientific bullshit like “Everything happens for a reason”; “I believe the Big Book was inspired by God”; and my favorite: “My disease has been doing pushups.”
Yes, pushups. No, I didn’t make that up. Most people are aware that AA believes that alcoholism a “disease.” But did you know they also believe it’s a disease with a gym membership? I’ll bet AIDS doesn’t do pushups. I’ll bet AIDS takes up the last eliptical machine and then just stands on it for an hour while reading Maxim. But alcoholism? That guy has a personal trainer.
Before I go any further, I need to say that I’m not referring to the (sadly rare) Agnostic AA meetings, which, in my experience, consisted of a bunch of intellectual atheists meeting to share tips on not ruining their lives with Jagermeister. I’m talking about real, hardcore, court-mandated Alcoholics Anonymous, which is directly based on a Christian movement from the 1920’s called The Oxford Group.
Here’s a quote from the founder of The Oxford Group: Frank Buchman: “I thank heaven for a man like Adolf Hitler, who built a front-line defense against the anti-Christ of communism.”
Well, hindsight is 20/20, I guess. Unless you’re a Jew who had their eyeglasses taken away.
As follows is actual stupid shit I heard people regularly say in AA meetings:
“My disease wants me dead.”
“Alcoholism is an allergy. I am allergic to alcohol, this is why I crave more.”
“Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Even when you’re not drinking, it’s getting stronger.”
“If I were to start drinking today, I’d immediately be twice as bad as I was when I left off.”
“If even one drop of alcohol were to enter my system, I just know I’d end up in the gutter.”
“To drink is to die.”
All these things and more were said loudly and often. Yet no one ever stood up and said: “Woah there, buddy, you’re talkin’ crazyperson crazytalk! Diseases don’t stay latent and yet get stronger! And while we’re on the subject, that’s kinda totally NOT the definition of an allergy.”
Instead, the members of AA say: “That’s right, girlfriend! Allergies make you want more of what you’re allergic to! Not dumb at all. See you next Tuesday!”
The crux of AA’s stupidity is this: They believe that alcoholics possess a gene or some shit that cause them to uncontrollably crave alcohol (ie: have a not-allergy to it). Once an alcoholic has even the tiniest drop of alcohol, it becomes physically impossible for him to stop drinking. Because of, you know. The allergy. I guess.
This retarded and scientifically unproven fact was made up by someone named “Dr. William Silkworth” who pulled it out of his hairy ass sometime in the early 1930s. It’s called “the phenomenon of craving.” Did I mention his name was Dr. Silkworth and he was born in fucking 1873? Oh, well, there’s that.
Here’s a snippet he wrote in the AA Big Book in the opening chapter called “The Doctor’s Opinion”:
“I have had many men who had, for example, worked a period of months on some problem or business deal which was to be settled on a certain date, favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date, and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control.”
Yeah. Cool story, bro.
People in AA currently base their entire mode of living on bunk science from the 1930s. The 1930s. Back when they hospitalized epileptics in sanitariums because they had the devil in ’em. Back when other doctor’s “opinions” included ideas such as ‘novocaine is for faggots and ‘night air causes women to act uppity’.
To the rest of us, this “phenomenon” is known as “a lack of self-control.” That’s why Overeaters Anonymous doesn’t tell people to stop eating entirely, but instead teaches people how to moderate. Because we are adults. Because we can do shit like that if we want to.
Both groups use the 12-steps, but OA says you can moderate and AA says you absolutely can’t. Is that fucking WEIRD to anyone else?
At a meeting once in Queens, I heard someone who had been sober for seven years say the following: “I had a candy at the company Christmas party. I didn’t know it was filled with liquor. I immediately spit it out, but now I am going to start counting days again.”
UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! Liquor and milk chocolate! After the meeting, people came up to this woman and congratulated her on her honesty and welcomed her “back.” How I didn’t show up later that night with a shotgun and two bullets, I’ll never know.
Getting sober is not a negative thing. What IS a negative thing, however, is the bullshit idea that 1/4 teaspoon of brandy at the Christmas party means you “slipped” and have to start over at day one. I can’t think of anything less healthy or more illogical than throwing away seven years of sobriety on a piece of candy. What are you, an anorexic teenager? Get your shit together, you fucking asshole.
Also awesome: At the end of every AA meeting, the members hold hands and say a prayer of some sort. Usually the Lord’s Prayer. But it’s not to God, unless you WANT it to be. Instead, they pray to a higher power, as if saying “higher power” is somehow less idiotic and offensive than “Judeo-Christian God.” Because the program isn’t religious, it’s SPIRITUAL. Right? Wrong. You’re still a harmful cult, you just happen to have a handy excuse—and it’s a dumb one.
But—you say—but AA helped your uncle stop shitting his pants. But AA saved your friend’s life! But AA saved YOUR life! You used to be a drunk but now you’re just a douche.
How is getting sober harmful, you ask?
It isn’t! But the bottom line is that AA isn’t ABOUT getting sober. AA is about going to AA. That’s why they slyly coined the term “dry drunk.” A dry drunk is a person who doesn’t drink but doesn’t go to AA, either.
Dry drunks are naughty and sad and delusional. They’re not “sober”. What, you think just because you stopped getting trashed on vodka and Red Bull at 10 am and got a job to support yourself you can call yourself sober? No way, hermano. You didn’t do shit. You’re just dry.
Not culty at ALL, right? Sounds totally legit to me! Great way to get sober! Let’s court mandate this shit!
In my mind (where I am 100% correct) if you tell another human being (especially one with a drinking problem) that they are powerless, you’re a fucking menace to society. If you tell someone to “pray” instead of to “act,” you’re a piece of shit who should be kicked in the vaginaballs without mercy. If you tell someone who worked their ass off that a “Higher Power” is keeping them sober and they themselves did nothing, you’re a rude asshole.
The truth is, AA doesn’t get you sober. STOPPING DRINKING gets you sober. And—as much as this sucks—you have to do that all by yourself. Even if you do it in a room full of supportive alcoholics, you still have to do it yourself. You can also do it in Moderation Management, or SMART, or with a therapist, or by switching to weed. Whatever works for you.
The problem is that AA refuses to admit that AA doesn’t work for everyone. And that’s extremely harmful. Because people who realize that AA is bullshit will continue drinking. They might even drink themselves dead, because they would rather die than hang out with a bunch of sober Jesus freaks for the rest of their life. They are not told of any alternative. They are not helped to moderate. They are simply told: “To drink is to die.”
They disappear, which leaves the remaining cult members with the impression that AA keeps people sober, when, in fact, AA is just a club for people who were going to get sober anyway.
It’s not that AA stops people from drinking, it’s that no one who hangs out in AA drinks.
As soon as I stopped going to AA, I stopped drinking, mainly because I got away from the psychopaths who go to AA. Those people were ruining my life and I needed to get drunk just to cope with them. When I was in AA, I couldn’t stop getting shitfaced. Now that I want no longer attend AA, I can get drunk whenever I want to. But I don’t.
Sadly, instead of admitting that a person can learn to drink (trust me, I had a drinking problem), AA members will claim that I must not have been a REAL alcoholic after all. Fancy footwork, AA. Way to hold back progress and keep people from getting sober. They are so clearly a cult they might as well be drinking cyanide-laced Flavor Aid out of a tennis shoe in Jonestown.
How about this? How about instead of saying AA is the only way to get sober (when studies prove the opposite—getting sober in AA has the same success rate as getting sober on your own), you instead tell people they are powerful and awesome, that they can stop drinking if they want to. What about telling people they can do anything they put their mind to? What about being a positive influence instead of a negative one?
No? Not working for ya? Hitler had some good ideas?
I don’t know what the people who claimed to be my friends in AA think about me now (funny, they stopped calling all of a sudden!) but I certainly heard the way they talked about OTHER people who had stopped coming to meetings. With a snotty ‘tsk’ of the lips and a condescending “She says she’s not drinking, but really, who knows…” or, “She says she’s trying to [eye roll] MODERATE her drinking!”
To that I say: Fuck you. Fuck you, you cunty cult fucks. Suck the delicious whiskey from my shit-filled asshole. To drink is to die, but to drink my fecal matter is to get cholera. Go suck Jim Beam’s dick, you self-righteous, boring-ass, hypocritical, fundamentalist fucks. AA is for morons.