Do you know this man? If you do, you know a man who allegedly attacks women with feces-filled socks. Maybe you need to find yourself some new friends.
What in the name of the infant baby Jesus cuddled in a straw-filled manger is this world coming to when innocent young women can be attacked with shit-filled socks on public transportation?
A 21-year-old female college student—we assume she’s white, if only because it makes the story better—was innocently riding a Chicago Transit Authority train when a man described as “black” approached her and started recklessly attacking her with a shit-filled sock:
“He had a sock full of his poop on me,” the woman wailed, still seething with the sort of outrage and injustice familiar to anyone who’s ever been attacked with feces. “It was everywhere; on my face, my hair, my clothes….It was like the biggest degradation I’ve ever (experienced). I wish he had just hit me….The worst part is nobody had anything to wipe my face with.”
To our knowledge, Illinois has no law forbidding average citizens from carrying concealed napkins or wet wipes. Then again, neither did the Founding Fathers, nor the US Constitution, for that matter, ever mention the possibility of young men attacking young women with turd-filled socks. Back then, this man would have been a slave, which, if you really think about it, probably would have prevented this attack from ever happening.
Police are looking for the perp, and we hope he’s in a shit-smeared jail cell by Xmas Eve. At the very least, let’s hope Santa’s reindeer splat his dome with an aerial assault of anal effluvia as they’re making their rounds delivering toys to the world’s eager children this holiday season.