Posted by
Lasse Holmberg Josephsen
• 12.10.12 08:00 am


Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

The apocalypse is finally coming. On the 21st of this month, the world will come to an end and all life on this planet will be extinguished for good. The sun shall be turned into darkness and the moon into blood before that great and notable day of the Lord come. And there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth and panties in a twist, and fire shall consume the Earth. Or water. Or a meteor. Or Honey Boo Boo. I don’t know.

It’s hard to choose precisely what type of Ragnarok you need to prepare for.

Regardless of the Mayan calendar and the usual old To Mega Therion 666 bullshit, the apocalypse has a certain secular flavor this time around. It’s less about the final judgment, an angry God, and hell on Earth. It’s more about meteors, tsunamis, colliding planets, and aliens now. Pseudoscience and the New Age have taken over.

G. K. Chesterton said, “When people stop believing in God, they don’t believe in nothing—they believe in anything.” He was right. It makes me miss Christianity, and that says a lot, because I despise Christianity.

But God and Satan are so passé in 2012. Things are supposed to be more colorful now. I hate it. Give me the good old fire and brimstone any day.

Then there are those who think the world will not end, but there will be some sort of shift in the collective consciousness, a new state of enlightenment. Fucking cretins. Humanity will never change, bubba. You better face it. It’s far easier to believe in catastrophe and disaster for humanity than the idea that we’ll all suddenly magically become miniature Buddhas full of new wisdom and kindness toward every living thing.

So if human kindness is too much to hope for, maybe we should put our trust in alien kindness? Starting a couple of years ago, the small village of Bugarach in France has been overrun by hippies and mystics who perform rituals and dance around naked in nature. The reason is that they believe the mountain Pic de Bugarach is a secret garage for an alien spaceship, and they hope to hitch a ride when the world ends.

Fat chance, hippie scum. I’m pretty sure saving one’s own ass is a universal reaction to danger. The aliens will take one look at your hairy naked hippie bodies and say, “Yeah right!” before they step on the gas and skedaddle the fuck away from this horrible planet.

So what disaster should I pick?

Since I am not only a wise man, but also a kind and caring person with a ridiculously large and beautiful penis, I’ll give one advice to humanity before it is snuffed out of existence. It’s free advice. Take it, humanity. I’m not Jesus, but I’m pretty damn close. Trust me. Trust my penis.

I think I’ll go with the meteor, because that’s actually plausible. Yeah, I’ve always loved the idea of thousands of tons of death hurtling down from space, killing everything on the planet like a giant flyswatter.

Meteor it is.

Here are a few a nice tunes for the end of the world:

 

Twinkle: “The End of the World”
This melancholy lament was originally sung by Skeeter Davis, but British waif Twinkle had the best version. Technically just a sad love song, but it does have an apocalyptic feel to it.

 

The Louvin Brothers: “Great Atomic Power”
This is a great one. The Louvin Brothers of “Satan is Real” fame manage to combine a hymn to God with morbid visions of a nuclear holocaust. Simply amazing.

 

Bonnie Dobson: “Morning Dew”
Canadian folk artist Bonnie Dobson wrote one of the most chilling verses I’ve ever heard.

But I know I hear my baby crying, “Mama!”
Yes, I know I hear my baby crying, “Mama!”

You’ll never hear your baby cry again.

You’ll never hear your baby cry again.

 

Love: “Mushroom Clouds”
I love it when my favorite wacko Arthur Lee goes all apocalyptic on me.

 

Klaus Nomi: “Total Eclipse”
This song by AIDS magnet Klaus Nomi is required at any Armageddon.

 

Tom Lehrer: “We Will All Go Together When We Go”
Tom Lehrer could cheer up the most dour Judgment Day.

 

Larry Norman: “I Wish We’d All Been Ready”
Norman mournfully sings about life on Earth after the Rapture. That’s easy for you to sing about, you dead Christian bastard. Still, nice song.

 

—LASSE HOLMBERG JOSEPHSEN

 


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