Have you seen people with clipboards and logo-emblazoned messenger bags lately, blocking sidewalks in Manhattan to get people to contribute to their sketchy charities?
If you haven’t had to deal with these pushy, self-righteous college students on a mission to annoy strangers, you’ve led a charmed life.
I’ve had no such luck. I used to run into them all the time when I worked in the Flatiron District. They would block the front entrance to the building and accost people on the way in and out of work. The girls are the worst ones. The first time I ran into a girl volunteer for a children’s charity, I wasn’t ready for the lethal combination of flirtation, arm-twisting, and guilt-tripping she had in her repertoire of obnoxious sales tactics. Her freckles, beckoning like a million jizz targets, must have gotten the best of me. She asked for my phone number and like the simp-ass fuck I am, I gave it to her. After several ignored calls over the span of a week or so, she finally got the point.
It’s not that I’m against charity. I just have a good amount of debt and have to spend carefully. There’s nothing I hate more than someone trying to get me to impulse buy. The goal of these kids is to get you to impulse give.
If you want to have fun with one of these cunts, try just handing them a dollar. They won’t take it. I tried handing them a twenty once and they tried to convince me to set up recurring payments on a credit card. You know who won’t turn down a twenty? The homeless guy who’s lying on the sidewalk a few feet away from the annoying messenger bag brigade. He’ll just smile, shit his pants, and fall back asleep knowing that he’s got some dollar menu and/or a hit of crystal meth in his near future. The utopia kids don’t want cash, they want monthly EFT payments.
It’s been years since I’ve had to deal with this nonsense. So today I was shocked to run into these idiots on my way to work. Time has passed, but their aggravating sales pitch hasn’t changed. Nearly blinded by the pain of a sinus headache, I braced myself for bullshit. A young Latina sized me up as I approached. “Come on, why so sad? Can I get a smile?” she said. My head felt like it was about to explode. “Nope, not today you won’t!” I retorted as I walked past her.
If you’re a pushy volunteer for a children’s charity, you need to know that people can’t fucking stand you. A fat, smelly cultist ringing a bell next to a Salvation Army sign does a better job at representing a charity than you do. A borderline retarded Walmart greeter treats people with more respect. I understand it’s not easy to get people to give. I know that you just want to help some poor kids. But having a noble cause is no excuse to be an asshole. People are trying to get to work. Don’t be a prick, or your little cause can go fuck itself.
If I want to give to charity, I’ll go to a site such as GiveWell and find a decent organization to support. I’ll donate some money on my own terms, without anyone trying to force my hand or using emotional manipulation to empty my wallet.
On second thought, maybe I’ll just get a hundred dollars in singles and make it rain on a hobo.