Posted by
M. David Enriquez
• 12.05.12 01:00 pm



Have you seen people with clipboards and logo-emblazoned messenger bags lately, blocking sidewalks in Manhattan to get people to contribute to their sketchy charities?

If you haven’t had to deal with these pushy, self-righteous college students on a mission to annoy strangers, you’ve led a charmed life.

I’ve had no such luck. I used to run into them all the time when I worked in the Flatiron District. They would block the front entrance to the building and accost people on the way in and out of work. The girls are the worst ones. The first time I ran into a girl volunteer for a children’s charity, I wasn’t ready for the lethal combination of flirtation, arm-twisting, and guilt-tripping she had in her repertoire of obnoxious sales tactics. Her freckles, beckoning like a million jizz targets, must have gotten the best of me. She asked for my phone number and like the simp-ass fuck I am, I gave it to her. After several ignored calls over the span of a week or so, she finally got the point.

It’s not that I’m against charity. I just have a good amount of debt and have to spend carefully. There’s nothing I hate more than someone trying to get me to impulse buy. The goal of these kids is to get you to impulse give.

If you want to have fun with one of these cunts, try just handing them a dollar. They won’t take it. I tried handing them a twenty once and they tried to convince me to set up recurring payments on a credit card. You know who won’t turn down a twenty? The homeless guy who’s lying on the sidewalk a few feet away from the annoying messenger bag brigade. He’ll just smile, shit his pants, and fall back asleep knowing that he’s got some dollar menu and/or a hit of crystal meth in his near future. The utopia kids don’t want cash, they want monthly EFT payments.

It’s been years since I’ve had to deal with this nonsense. So today I was shocked to run into these idiots on my way to work. Time has passed, but their aggravating sales pitch hasn’t changed. Nearly blinded by the pain of a sinus headache, I braced myself for bullshit. A young Latina sized me up as I approached. “Come on, why so sad? Can I get a smile?” she said. My head felt like it was about to explode. “Nope, not today you won’t!” I retorted as I walked past her.

If you’re a pushy volunteer for a children’s charity, you need to know that people can’t fucking stand you. A fat, smelly cultist ringing a bell next to a Salvation Army sign does a better job at representing a charity than you do. A borderline retarded Walmart greeter treats people with more respect. I understand it’s not easy to get people to give. I know that you just want to help some poor kids. But having a noble cause is no excuse to be an asshole. People are trying to get to work. Don’t be a prick, or your little cause can go fuck itself.

If I want to give to charity, I’ll go to a site such as GiveWell and find a decent organization to support. I’ll donate some money on my own terms, without anyone trying to force my hand or using emotional manipulation to empty my wallet.

On second thought, maybe I’ll just get a hundred dollars in singles and make it rain on a hobo.

 

—M. DAVID ENRIQUEZ

 

 


Comments
  1. zbow says:

    Meanwhile, the good doctor just keeps they heads ringing

  2. josh dorn says:

    I have been that bum dreaming of a burrito and a 40. I used to call myself a professional object of philanthropy. I provided a service. I think this is the pragmatic and proper way to view charity. It is about the giver getting a feeling of self-satisfaction from the transaction. Idealism is foolishness.

  3. Ecgtheow says:

    I haz cheezberger and mef.

  4. yeah says:

    i was walking with my gf when one of these a**holes approached me. The lady approached me and said “can you donate to stop violence against women.” Just to fuck with her I punched my girlfriend in the arm and said I love violence against women. Her face, priceless.

  5. Sniffy says:

    These fucks are everywhere. Ask them how much the executives and CEO are making off their “charity” and then tell them to go shove a hot poker up their ass.

  6. Sickbillis says:

    This is called Chugging, ‘Charity Mugging’, and kinda like Sniffy says, ask how much the actual street chugger gives to the charity, oh what nothing? Exactly, it’s just a job.

  7. Anonymous says:

    The kicker is: those arent really charities, theyre mostly scams. A friend of mine worked for one of those things in new york when we were in our 20s. Basically, almost all of the money goes to paying the employees and management, supplies etc. a teeny tiny percentage gets left that actually goes to charity so they can stay legit. They always say things like “do you want to help the environment?” To which i reply ” no, i hate the environment” then they shut up. The worst one was a dude in west hollywood (the gay part of LA) and he was standing outside of a starbucks asking all the gays “do you have a moment for gay rights?”.

  8. aesk47 says:

    Plateau Mont-Royal, in Montréal, has a concentration of 4625 per square mile of these annoying little fuckers.

  9. Carne Carnage says:

    Has anyone heard about the hamburgers and buns the red cross dropped off in far rockaway?? ” no one ever goes broke from donating to charity!!” Is the worst line I have heard this year.

  10. raymes says:

    Just gotta affect that do not engage with me speed walk swagger. Or point to your watch-less wrist and say NO TIME NO TIME.

  11. titsfannyarsethelot says:

    I normally smile politely and say, in a clipped, posh English accent: “I’m sorry but I’m don’t speak any English.”


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