Posted by
Lasse Holmberg Josephsen
• 11.08.12 06:30 am


On behalf of the proud and strange Norwegian people, I congratulate you guys on the re-election of Barack Obama, savior of America, protector of planet Earth, and friend of children everywhere.

Not too many decades ago, the Democrats would’ve wanted to see Obama hanged; now he’s their leader and the president of the United States. Times sure do change. Obama dun good.

You dun good, too, America. Now pat yourselves on the back. Sink yourself into the hot tub with a glass of wine and relax. Take a deep breath and let go.

You managed to thwart the dark ambitions of that evil Mitt Romney. You put an end to his sinister attempt at gaining control of the nation which would’ve had devastating consequences. He’d probably suspend Habeas corpus and keep Guantanamo active. Romney would definitely increase warrantless surveillance on American people, and with him as president, the economy would go down the toilet and unemployment rates would rise dramatically.

So thank God that Mitt Romney did not become president.

As you can probably tell, Norwegians are not masters of subtle sarcasm. We know how to cook and enjoy fermented fish, but sarcasm doesn’t come easy to us.

To be honest, I don’t care the slightest about who’s in charge of America. Mitt Romney would probably be just as bad as Obama. In the end, both those guys are rotten to the core. But the thrill people are feeling about four more years of Obama is puzzling and a bit frightening. How can people really be enthusiastic about a politician?

You have to be a special kind of asshole to decide you want to be a politician. That’s why you see so few genuinely honest and kind specimens; decent people stay away from such filthy occupations. To reach the heights, you have to stab a lot of backs, because politics is not a game where kindness and thoughtfulness are rewarded. There has to be a streak of sadism in you.

Leave Mitt Romney or Barack Obama alone in a room with a duck, and they’ll probably try to fuck it to death while filming it with an iPhone. Then they’d send the video to the duck’s grieving relatives along with a text message saying “LOL!!!”

Am I overly cynical? Perhaps, but I’ve yet to see evidence to the contrary. In my lifetime, politics has shown itself to be nothing but a dirty game of professional cocksuckery and gambling with other people’s futures, so I can’t help feeling that people’s attitude about politicians are all out of wack.

An example: Barack Obama—a war president with obviously no respect for the privacy of the American people—wins this election, and the dripping cunts at Jezebel actually has the balls to shout “WE DID IT” in a headline. BUT! they frown on young hepcats having a relaxed attitude toward the subject of race.

Oh, Lindy West, get your priorities straight, you bovine blower of Beelzebub’s balls! War and warrantless surveillance are something to celebrate, and “hipster racism” is a real problem? When half a million boots goes slogging through hell, you’re the kid with the drum, Lindy.

Politics turns people into dangerous idiots.

Steven Pinker might be right. Perhaps the human race is constantly moving in the right direction, but it’s pretty fucking hard to stay optimistic after that previous horrorshow of a century. Boy, that was some century, huh?

I was born in 1982, in the shadow of two earth-shattering World Wars and one war so cold it nearly burned the whole human race into ashes.

I was born post-Verdun, post-Somme, post-Passchendaele, post the Great Depression, post the Armenian genocide, post-Holocaust, post-Hiroshima and Nagasaki, post-Holodomor, post-Vietnam, post-Mao’s Great Leap, post-Khmer Rouge, post-Watergate, and post the era when using the word “post” in front of things looked cool.

I’ve seen Hutus and Tutsis hack thousands of each other to mincemeat with machetes. I’ve seen planes crash into the World Trade Center. I’ve seen the airstrikes on Kabul and Baghdad shortly after. Some of these things I saw live on TV.

I’ve seen things you people would easily believe, because you saw it, too.

I have not seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion or C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate, but give humanity a couple of years, and I’m sure that can be arranged.

We could’ve gone anywhere—from the deepest caverns of the oceans to the dark and silent depths of space—but we went to Babi Yar, Mai Lai, Abu Ghraib, and Srebrenica.

That’s politics for you.

I was born in 1982 and there’s nothing left for me to believe in, least of all politicians.

Politicians are not people who can talk with crowds and keep their virtue—they’re the hollow men, the stuffed men, leaning together, headpiece filled with straw.

Giving Obama a free pass for partisan reasons is a victory for the hollow men. Celebrate one, and you celebrate them all.

The only living creature I’d trust to be the leader of the free world is my dog Herre, a beautiful little whippet who could do harm to no living soul. This cute and playful little rascal with a head shaped like a bicycle seat never lets anybody down. He’s just faithful and kind to everyone. The only thing he wants is to cuddle. That, and to lick his own groin.


Imagine that: a New World Order based on cuddling and genital hygiene through auto-fellatio. That is something I can believe in and support.

 

—LASSE HOLMBERG JOSEPHSEN

 


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