Posted by
Mike Eide
• 01.10.11 10:30 am


It’s time to give up your stash because according to study after study, Adderall doesn’t work.

It’s time to give up your stash because according to study after study, Adderall doesn’t work.

Over the winter break, a few surprising articles were published about the ongoing lack of evidence supporting the speculated benefits of smart drugs like Adderall and Ritalin. Researchers have continually failed to find any improvement in cognitive performance when patients without ADHD were given Adderall or a placebo. The doctors say that it doesn’t actually make you smarter or concentrate more, it just makes you feel like you are by dumping a dose of dopamine onto the brain’s reward system. With all this dope in the dome, you feel a euphoria that makes the task at hand more bearable and worthwhile. Basically, it makes shoveling shit fun.

Contrary to the results reported in these articles, I’ve been doing my own independent, unofficial study with myself as a test subject, and I conclude that this shit works like a motherfucker. After playing the fucking game for years now, the only time I’ve ever beaten Ghosts n’ Goblins on one quarter was when I popped an Adderall. I’m telling you, the shit works.

-MIKE EIDE


Comments
  1. Zzzzzz.... says:

    retarded

  2. kure kure takora says:

    This is the worst thing.

  3. poopsmear says:

    Hahahahahahaha

  4. heroin town says:

    Dude. Like Adderall, Mike Eide is the bomb.
    And, at the very least, adderall can be a positive reinforcement mechanism in which studying while on adderall conditions the subject to enjoy studying.
    Maybe cocaine has the same effect though? I’ve never studied on coke so I couldn’t say.

  5. Eide says:

    heheheh, you guys have no idea how stoned I was when I wrote this. What a lovely turd.

    Send me Adderall.

  6. Gigantic Faggot says:

    For anyone interested in a very interesting and entertaining talk by Ben Goldacre on the placebo affect.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1Q3jZw4FGs

  7. imbored says:

    pulitzer!

  8. Drippy dog Dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    If it seems like it works, that counts too!

  9. mikolai says:

    Ghosts n’ Goblins was stupid difficult.

  10. Ralph says:

    Ghosts n’ Goblins on one quarter? Is ‘being a colossal liar’ a side-effect of Adderall?

  11. Candice says:

    I thought the fact that “it makes shoveling shit fun” was why most people took it? I never believed it made me perform any better. In a lab setting where I’m forced to do the tests either way I would indeed probably score about the same on Adderall or off. In another setting, without the Adderall and with the presence of the internet and my Xbox, the chances that I will bother finishing (or even starting) some boring shit like that in the first place are lowered quite a bit.

  12. Eide says:

    Fuck You Ralph. I beat Ghosts n Goblins on one quarter the same day as the Champions League Final of 2009. I drank a shit ton of Genny Creams during the match and was hungover by 7pm, so I popped an Adderall to counteract the effects and went the local bar and played Ghosts n Goblins, where I beat it, twice through, on one quarter, four guys.

    But the world record guys are beating it three times through with only three guys.

  13. Hugh Scott says:

    Posts like this are why I love this site. Very well played.

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