I hear you guys have an election coming up.
That’s gotta be tough. You have a choice between Barack Obama―a guy who’ve fucked up pretty much everything he can fuck up―and squarefaced Mitt Romney―a dull Mormon with no personality at all who’ll probably fuck up miserably, too.
Gee, whom to choose?
I’ve decided to help you find a president. I’m nice like that. Consider it a favor. I thought long and hard about someone who’d be better suited as a president than Obama or Romney: Clint Eastwood. Vladimir Putin. A piece of string with some cheese attached to it. David Arquette.
But I’ve come to realize that your best choice for president is…ME!
Yup, I honestly think America would do better with me at the helm of that wonderful country of yours. Let’s look at some things I would do as your president.
You guys have recently engaged in two long and expensive wars, and not much good has come from them. I say we get the hell out of the Middle East and invade Belgium. We invade it, and then we burn it to the ground. It’s a silly little country where their idea of a good time is fucking and killing children. And not necessarily in that order. Belgium is a joke that has gone on for too long. It’s time for a punchline. The spoils of war will be lots of chocolate and sick porn.
You Americans love going into space. You also love a good raunchy joke that can be repeated a thousand times. These things can be combined by stopping all exploration of the moon and Mars, and instead focusing on Uranus.
Poverty and a wide gap between the classes are as American as apple pie and unbalanced war movies. It’s important that we maintain a large working class. They’re called “the working class” for a reason: They LOVE to work! All day and all night; work, work, work! Let’s make them work even more!
I would make sure that every law-abiding citizen has a moat around their house. It is my belief that this would lower the crime dramatically, because, as we all know, black people can’t swim.
Religion has often been a divisive issue for Americans, and that’s a shame. When I’m president, you will all bow down to the same god: Wotan. Hail Wotan!
I’m a poor black person. Why should I vote for a European honky?
Good question, poor black person. You should vote for me because I am one of you. No, silly, I’m not black, but I have an understanding of what it’s like to be black that is lacking in most of my white brethren. You see, I’m the 1998 Norwegian breakdance champion, and I’m very well versed in B-boy culture and “thug life.”
I’m a poor white person. Why should I vote for a French sumbitch like you?
Once again a good question. You should vote for me because I’ve heard you guys squeeze out a lot of unwanted kids. What I would do is to relieve you of those burdensome kids and give them to the Jews. This will make your life easier, as well as satisfy the Jews’ hunger for Gentile flesh. Everybody wins!
But Lasse, you’re not even born in America, therefore you can’t become a president.
Party-pooper! Yes, I’m not born an American. But considering your current president was born in Kenya, I think that leaves an opening for me. And the fact that I’ve never even set foot on American soil means I come to the job with an outsider’s perspective.
Am I one electable Norwegian, or what?
You know, the American Bald Eagle hasn’t always been bald. It used to have a beautiful head of hair. We’re talking Brian May hair. Ridiculously nice hair. Other birds used to envy it for its hair.
Let’s put some hair back on that bird’s head.
I’ve heard your call, America, and I’m up to the task. I can change things.
Let’s change America for the better.
Vote for change.
Vote for me!
—LASSE HOLMBERG JOSEPHSEN