Posted by
Blognigger
• 08.19.09 12:00 pm


Remember how porno movies used to be real long and have “plots?” You’d literally have to wait around for a cable guy to get seduced or some shit, and for the characters to “start fucking?”

Remember how porno movies used to be real long and have “plots?” You’d literally have to wait around for a cable guy to get seduced or some shit, and for the characters to “start fucking?” Well, the internet killed that too.

But humans adapt: It turns out that Vivid Video, a legendary porno movie studio, isn’t run by a retard. He recently realized, “HEY. Why the fuck are we spending all this money on bullshit like writers and faggot shit like that when the average length of a man’s porn-watching experience is THREE TO FOUR MINUTES?”

So, he started creating collections of little videos of three to four minutes. When guys don’t like one thing, they watch another, and if they LOVE it, they finish in under four minutes. He’s still retarded if he thinks anyone is gonna buy a DVD of ANYTHING, but whatever, maybe that’s me talking out of my ass.

HOWEVER, someone out there is even more of a genius because they’ve done the fucking IMPOSSIBLE. I’ve just watched all 17 minutes and 52 seconds of a porno movie for the first time since I was 9.

I think it’s called “Ultimate Surrender,” and it was created by a very sick genius who needs JUST the right amount of medical attention. I will give you a url to look at the whole video with–but DON’T FUCKING HIT IT ALL AT ONCE.

Do NOT start jocking this site and bringing it down with your greasy traffic–it is my goddamn fucking NAPSTER and this is 1999. I need this site to live so watch it once and don’t send the link around, you FUCK.

Here it is: CLICK HERE FOR THE PORN.

Now, here are some points and questions. If you think I’m stupid, don’t just laugh–if you’re so smart, you should be able to answer them:


1) I’m not sure I get the concept. Only the blue team has the cocks. How is that fair?


2) Why do members of the red team keep getting eliminated? Can you discern some criteria for elimination, or is it just a ploy so that they can have a 6 on 1 at the end?


3) Are there actual rules?


4) Goddamn, it’s intriguing and compelling, no?!?


5) Are femmes on the red team, butches on blue?


6) Is there really a point system? If you try googling it, you find this but I’m too lazy to sift through it. They make it sound real!


7) Did you fap?

To the Creator of Ultimate Surrender: I just watched 17 minutes of your porn video and cared about the plot. That’s a fucking achievement, congrats. Now if you could only get me to spend money…but yo, I won’t ask the impossible.


Comments
  1. Look at u miss professional!

  2. ty says:

    What?!

    You stole my jam! That’s MIIIIINNNNNEEEEE!!!! I built this kingdom. This is my fantasy. Fuck rasslin’ is mine! I was very early adopter of fuck rasslin’.

    Wait, that’s a lie. That’s a goddamn lie.
    I want justice! I want justice!
    Fuck you, you black muthafuckerrrrrrrrrrrr!

    I’m calling the lawyers, Blognigger.

    -ty

    P.S. Spend the money it’s totally worth it. Here’s a hint: chicks dig it too.

  3. To all my guys: Is the pussy good b/c u like it o do u like it b/c its good!

  4. zippy says:

    OK, it usually goes like this: 2 girls (or 2 teams) wrestle each other in the buff. Winning team or girl gets to fuck losing girl or team. So those 17 minutes are reallz just the end of a gigantic naked tag team wrestling match.

    Got it?

  5. JuCIFER says:

    “Wait, that’s a lie. That’s a goddamn lie.
    I want justice! I want justice!
    Fuck you, you black muthafuckerrrrrrrrrrrr!”

    Very nice N.W.A. reference…

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  7. minstrel blood says:

    when you said you were into a porn’s pllot, I figured you were going here:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VZKbbFqzKg

  8. do u have any food allergies?

  9. Jesus,1969 says:

    Zippy is totally right. Its Kink.com. First they fight then the losers get FCUKKKKKEDDA. The match is worth watching because its pure comedy gold. They get points for jammin fingers into pussyz n shit. Imagine that in high school wrestling or the wwf:

    “Oh shit, dude has you in a leg lock? Why dont you jam your fingers in his ass and score a few points.” – Jesus, 1969

    or maybe not. I hear macho man has a 30 foot anus so its probably not even fair.

  10. and has the reader believe that one must be a Christian to enter Heaven, or Purgatory.

  11. Brian says:

    Motherfucker! My cousin and I had a great idea like this but it would be called “Dildo Fight.com” with a similar points/scoring system.

  12. mark "k-punk" fisher says:

    i dunno man, not too keen on girls wearing strap ons, kinda freaks me out.

    any straight guys into this? i like seeing pretty, girly fingers and tongues going into another woman’s holes… but dildos/strap-ons don’t do it for me at all. if i want cocks in girls, i watch str8 pr0n.

  13. wade says:

    Brian had a dildo fight with his cousin…is he hot?

  14. lionel hutts says:

    i needed this tonight. thanks for the late summer pandering, nigger.

  15. Anonymous Q. Mootenstein says:

    Fapfapfapfap

  16. Sewer Rats says:

    Spankwire kills it and everyone already knows it. No one is going to ruin your fucking napster, you pathetic loser.

  17. fredMS says:

    do you know there are literally hundreds of sites just like spankwire? here let me blow your mind.

    http://www.ovguide.com/adult.html

  18. Princess Pr0n says:

    Princess Pr0n approves.

  19. cock lobster says:

    when they make the big butt version of this my life will be basically fulfilled

  20. serious face blognigger says:

    NO Sewer Rats – YOU are fucking shit for brain and you patheric loosa.

    fredMS, you are my new tom cruise – that site is fucking amazing, thanks

  21. Dork says:

    Oh my aching sphincter!

  22. Vane$$a says:

    what a nerd. why does bn always have to do things like post right at 12 pm? does he sit there saying: “oooh yeah baby, i’m the feature attraction, gonna dump my shit on the people right as they get ready for some lunchtime entertainment. i own the noon hour. uh-huh…here we go…it’s 11:59 and 50 seconds…9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, we have lift off…yesssssssssssss…fapfapfapfapfap…”

    get over yourself…meat.

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  24. Arv says:

    @Vane$$a: WordPress lets you schedule posts so they go up at whatever time you like. It’s like magic! (Idiot.)

  25. Vane$$a says:

    Okay then I can picture him throwing a gay pout (picture p. hilton after getting punched by the b.e. pea) and telling streetcarnage that he won’t write for them if he doesn’t get the prime noon slot. “I made this site and I’ll break it faster than you can say ‘welfare line’!!!!”

  26. Donkey Kong says:

    DAmn there’s vane$$a obsessed with and jealous of blognigger just like old times, sniff.

  27. Vane$$a says:

    i don’t listen to the stones much. when i do, it’s almost never post Mick Taylor.

    oh god i was just fucking around with blognigger, playing jan to his marcia if you know what i mean. my sincerest apologies for any fractured egos.

  28. Troll says:

    Can’t think of anything inflammatory to say here. Good Post.


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