Posted by
Jonny Makeup
• 11.30.10 12:00 pm


Dear Lil’ Kim, I’m writing this letter to let you know that your album Hardcore changed my life and probably also those of countless other gays and freaks.

Dear Lil’ Kim,

I’m writing this letter to let you know that your album Hardcore changed my life and probably also those of countless other gays and freaks. I was never really was comfortable with all the horny thoughts rolling through my tween head until I heard you spit that ol’ faithful verse, “I used to be scared of the dick, now I throw lips to the shit, handle it like a real bitch,” and from there on out, that is exactly what I did in life.

I also wanted to let you know that when you served time in Philly, I tried to drop off some expensive high end bath products and lotions. I hope the warden got them to you. I really thought that you would have come out of there with years and years worth of material to inspire me and all the other sluts and gays through our young adult lives. But what did you do? You became a recluse. You spent what was left of your royalties transforming yourself into the next Amanda Lepore! The last thing us gays need is another Drag Queen! We needed our Queen B and still do! There was no strong female presence in the hip hop world for years and it was terrible without you!

I stopped listening to hip hop all together in your absence. So then that Nicki Miniaj comes around with your “Crush on You” hair doo times a million… and then you decide roll outta bed?! You had years to be on damage control and on the mic! We need an album and tour! Instead we got you Dancing With the Stars and Lil’ Kim flavored milkshake — even I have one of those named after me!!!

Stop boo-hooin’ about someone you paved the way for and go do something about it! One dis track doesn’t count!!! Get in the studio and give us the album we have been waiting on for five years!!!

Dear Nicki Minaj,

Okay! I get it! You invented a new flow. You make crazy faces. You have multiple alter ego personalities that can rap too. You can make endangered species animal sounds while you spit 16 bars. It’s a medical miracle that you have two midgets… I mean, little people living inside your butt cheeks. It must have been a lot of pressure to release one of the most anticipated albums of the year, but I’m sure you were ready since birth since you graduated with honors from an arts high school and all.

Whatever the case, I put all my qualms about you and my loyalty to Lil’ Kim on the shelf and sat back and watched. What won me over at first was how you took that Diddy song and made it your own. You had me hook, line and butt implant sinker. So I waited with blue balls for your solo! Then it dropped and I sadly still kinda have blue balls. I mean, don’t get me totally wrong, you aced with “Dear Old Nicki.” I needed that. It made me cry and reflect on my own motives in life. Thanks for being so real with that one. What really rubbed me the wrong way is how you say that you would like see a gay rapper make it mainstream but you or your label choose all the obvious featured artists to work with. I know Eminem is a shitty faggot but I’m sorry, he does not count as a gay rapper.

In closing, I know it’s hard to respect your elders when they don’t respect you but you have to look at Lil’ Kim as like your crazy grandma who snuck you your first drink, but then cut you out of the will when you became a total lush!


-JONNY MAKEUP
Twitter.com/JonnyMakeup


Comments
  1. WEED says:

    i hope this wasn’t written by a human

  2. onyx blackman says:

    dude, correct spelling isnt a vagina, dont be afraid of it.
    also, why do homos love the worst music ever?
    lady yawn yawn, lil kim, christina aguilera- ugh! maybe thats why we wont let you
    fools get married

  3. chynasclit says:

    she is def packing something strange in that tiger thong.

  4. Something Worth Saying says:

    Definition of ALTAR
    1: a usually raised structure or place on which sacrifices are offered or incense is burned in worship —often used figuratively to describe a thing given great or undue precedence or value especially at the cost of something else

    Definition of ALTER
    transitive verb
    1: to make different without changing into something else

  5. Anonymous says:

    this fggt is funny

  6. noemi says:

    well done Jonny! I was really hoping you’d throw something about girl power/unity in there but you gave them both a good read and in the end i think they’ll get the message.

    luv ya, mean ittttt

  7. stoops says:

    twat’s that? i cunt hear you

  8. hagenshape says:

    Those pics look like packaging for BVD men’s briefs.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Invented a new flow? Pharoahe Monch invented that flow close to 20 years ago and either him or Busta is ghostwriting for her now. Fags need to learn their hip hop. What a blowhard…literally.

  10. STOP IT says:

    “I was never really was comfortable with all the horny thoughts rolling THREW my tween head..”

    QUIT WRITING & FIX ME A DOUBLE SOY MOCHA WITH EXTRA WHIP CREAM FAGGOT

  11. LEAVE JOHNNY ALOOOOONNNE!!!! says:

    threw/through——— he used spell check and mistook a homonym, more strictly a homophone, for a juicy long-bone.

    hummer, homo, it’s all the same to himher, obv.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Both those niggers have big pussies.

  13. Josh says:

    onyx blackman is still hiding in the closet lol…. Don’t be a hater to ladies that sound better than you gettin butt fucked by your boyfriend lol b:)

  14. Johnny's littlest Sister Tina says:

    Listen up you trash talking inbred, overweight, ignorant pricks… What he speaks is the truth!! However, those remarks from you football hugging, deer killing, hetero sack of shits does NOT surprise me one bit!!! Johnny prob has gotten more ass (both male AND FEMALE) then you will EVER touch.So eat it. WAY TO GO JOHNNY!

  15. Alpha Rapist says:

    i would fuck nicki minaj

  16. I'VEJUSTPEEDMYSELF says:

    Hate both bitches. Kim blowed Scott Storch for production. Nicki Minaj is slut for one day. Don’t pay attention to them, it’s stupid.

  17. Beef says:

    Minaj has either a cock or monster sized pussy lips. Either of them are okay with me.

  18. female says:

    When little Tina says “truth” I think she means “troof.”

    Just sayin’

  19. damn says:

    i almost went to do that pose in the mirror to see if my pussy would look like that or if its just them

  20. Dick says:

    We must take this time to acknowledge the unending source of laffs that is the gay community.

  21. qq says:

    that was cool

  22. pissy elliot says:

    “strong female presents”? this made me laugh

  23. baby nuts says:

    i liked this

  24. Anonymous says:

    I love strong female rap “presents” with “multiple alter go personalities”. And “an total lush”? Okay, this site isn’t dictionary.com but can’t they at least get a fifth-grader to do a basic edit? And yes, I am bitter that they’ve ignored all of my (grammatically impeccable) submissions.

  25. blahblah says:

    ahahahahaha love

  26. Really ? says:

    Both the content and the form of this “article” are wrong in so many ways…
    But it might not be clear that it has nothing to do with what happens in its author’s pants.
    To all the sexist homophobic / grammar nazis twats out there : go hang yourselves with your intestines and choke with your thick ignorance

  27. blahblah says:

    jhonny ignore these kids i got you

  28. Booty Sweat says:

    Id fuck em both nice and good.

    johnny makeup is just a silly faggot.

  29. Defiance says:

    EVERYONE KNOWS QUEERS CAN’T SPELL LOL

  30. Anonymous says:

    fag or not, learn to fucking spell. it’s bad enough the writing sucks

  31. Lunchin' says:

    This post just gave me Ebol-AIDS. Again.

  32. Christi Bradox says:

    Wasn’t Jonny Makeup in the original line-up of contributors when this site started up? What is this? His third post? Crankin’ ‘em out!

  33. Crack King says:

    this article is cancer


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