Dear Lil’ Kim, I’m writing this letter to let you know that your album Hardcore changed my life and probably also those of countless other gays and freaks.
Dear Lil’ Kim,
I’m writing this letter to let you know that your album Hardcore changed my life and probably also those of countless other gays and freaks. I was never really was comfortable with all the horny thoughts rolling through my tween head until I heard you spit that ol’ faithful verse, “I used to be scared of the dick, now I throw lips to the shit, handle it like a real bitch,” and from there on out, that is exactly what I did in life.
I also wanted to let you know that when you served time in Philly, I tried to drop off some expensive high end bath products and lotions. I hope the warden got them to you. I really thought that you would have come out of there with years and years worth of material to inspire me and all the other sluts and gays through our young adult lives. But what did you do? You became a recluse. You spent what was left of your royalties transforming yourself into the next Amanda Lepore! The last thing us gays need is another Drag Queen! We needed our Queen B and still do! There was no strong female presence in the hip hop world for years and it was terrible without you!
I stopped listening to hip hop all together in your absence. So then that Nicki Miniaj comes around with your “Crush on You” hair doo times a million… and then you decide roll outta bed?! You had years to be on damage control and on the mic! We need an album and tour! Instead we got you Dancing With the Stars and Lil’ Kim flavored milkshake — even I have one of those named after me!!!
Stop boo-hooin’ about someone you paved the way for and go do something about it! One dis track doesn’t count!!! Get in the studio and give us the album we have been waiting on for five years!!!
Dear Nicki Minaj,
Okay! I get it! You invented a new flow. You make crazy faces. You have multiple alter ego personalities that can rap too. You can make endangered species animal sounds while you spit 16 bars. It’s a medical miracle that you have two midgets… I mean, little people living inside your butt cheeks. It must have been a lot of pressure to release one of the most anticipated albums of the year, but I’m sure you were ready since birth since you graduated with honors from an arts high school and all.
Whatever the case, I put all my qualms about you and my loyalty to Lil’ Kim on the shelf and sat back and watched. What won me over at first was how you took that Diddy song and made it your own. You had me hook, line and butt implant sinker. So I waited with blue balls for your solo! Then it dropped and I sadly still kinda have blue balls. I mean, don’t get me totally wrong, you aced with “Dear Old Nicki.” I needed that. It made me cry and reflect on my own motives in life. Thanks for being so real with that one. What really rubbed me the wrong way is how you say that you would like see a gay rapper make it mainstream but you or your label choose all the obvious featured artists to work with. I know Eminem is a shitty faggot but I’m sorry, he does not count as a gay rapper.
In closing, I know it’s hard to respect your elders when they don’t respect you but you have to look at Lil’ Kim as like your crazy grandma who snuck you your first drink, but then cut you out of the will when you became a total lush!