Posted by
John Pittsley
• 10.28.15 10:35 am

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Being friends with females on social media can be difficult. If they’re not complaining about their day or sharing what they consumed earlier, they’re putting up vague inspirational quotes about how nice it is to fail. But one of the worst things they do is share pictures of “Unlikely Animal Friends”.

These “animal friends” supposedly show the true power of friendship and its ability to overcome all boundaries. What they really are is a spit in the face to Mother Nature and proof of how retarded human beings can be. These animals aren’t buddies overcoming an unnecessary rift between their animal communities. They’re rival species, who have been castrated and manipulated to the point that they’re unable to carry out the simple fight or flight instincts necessary for survival. Celebrating these “friendships” isn’t commemorating peace on earth, it’s glorifying weakness and stupidity.

The laughter of people who find humor in these pictures is often void of contempt. Instead, they’re filled with so much joy and giddiness that all they can do is smile and laugh. Like Robin Williams having a butterfly delicately land on his nose. The amusement brought by these images should be at the expense of the mentally challenged animals, though. These animals haven’t earned any praise or adoration by failing evolution. They deserve to be ridiculed and torn to shreds. A baby lamb that cuddles up to a lion deserves to be laughed at like an illiterate Armenian wandering into a land-mine field. And a coyote cub that befriends a koala bear deserves to be abandoned and left for dead.

Only when these unlikely friendships actually display fear and domination are they worth applauding. Those whose hearts are warmed by these images are always looking to put a happy, peace positive, Disney spin on the relationships. However, some of these friendships actually show the ability of one species to dominate the living hell out of the other. When a young gorilla becomes infatuated with a dove and forces it to live in constant fear of being smashed to smithereens, by carrying it around everywhere he goes. It’s not a sign that the two are best buds. It shows the superiority of the gorilla and how hilariously cruel nature can be.

One shouldn’t find it cute and adorable to see a couple of baby animals of different species palling around with one another. They should find it depressing and feel pity for the damaged creatures. Or, be amused at how retarded they are. These little cubs aren’t choosing a different life-path in the animal kingdom, like a young man choosing to become an electrician instead of going to college. They’re mentally challenged beasts, who are too weak to eat their food and too passive to run from a predator. The only time these pathetic varmint deserve to be celebrated is while they’re being consumed or left for dead.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. Alec Leamas says:

    Perhaps the supreme example of this was that fool Timothy Treadwell, who truly believed that he – and only he – had bridged the interspecies chasm between the human, homo sapiens, and grizzly bear, Ursus arctos horribilis. (I emphasize the homo of the former and horribilis of the latter). Eschewing the warnings of local peoples with long experience with the bears, he fancied himself their friends and lived among them as they gorged on calorie dense salmon roe during the salmons’ summer runs in Alaska. Emboldened by the bears’ lethargy and seeming disinterest in him, Treadwell stayed later and later into the summer and then fall on successive years, later bringing a female companion with him. That was, until the last summer when, having remained with the bears after the salmon run and the end of the bears’ satiety, a bear ate him and his lady friend.

  2. Pussy in my Boots says:

    Don’t be fooled, that cat is just biding his time.

    Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc. Tic……

  3. John Thomas says:

    @Alec Leamas: It was the girlfriend’s fault. The bears could smell her period blood.

  4. John Thomas says:

    Ever since first grade, I’ve wondered if Koko’s kitten really got hit by a car or if she was squished by a gorilla.
    http://www.koko.org/koko's-kittens

  5. Ryan needs a foreskin says:

    Jesus, John: “its” vs “it’s” and “riff” vs “rift”. Look them up.

    ________________________________________________________

    @ John and Alec: the photos of Treadwell’s corpse are legit some of the most disturbing things I have ever seen.


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