Posted by
Gavin
• 02.06.12 11:59 am


Last week’s joke just broke a million so it’s worth explaining a thing or two about what is going on. The accent is Glaswegian, or at least a close approximation from hearing my Weegie parents scream it at me for the past

Last week’s joke just broke a million so it’s worth explaining a thing or two about what is going on. The accent is Glaswegian, or at least a close approximation from hearing my Weegie parents scream it at me for past 41 years. Scots talk like Nuyoricans in that they ignore consonants and blend their vowels together in a big ball of word. They’re accent is so contorted in fact, it can change the shape of your face. This twisted mouth is called “Sham Gabbit” and is seen as a patriotic badge of pride (so’s a knife scar across your face).

Here’s the rant translated into English…

“GOING TO GIVE US, GOING TO GIVE ME A HAND HERE…”
Scots always start out friendly and open minded. They embrace everyone with open arms which is why they go so ballistic when betrayed.
I shouldn’t have pronounced it “hand” as the Glaswegian pronunciation sounds more like “horn.”

“GETTIN SOMETHING TO EAT. AND UH SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE A CHIP BUTTY AND MAYBE A JAMMY DODGER…”
I shouldn’t have said a chip butty because that’s what the English call it. In Scotland it’s called a chip piece or some shit. I’m amazed about how much starch drunks in both countries (actually provinces of the same country but don’t say that to a Scot) can handle. I guess they need it to soak up all the booze. It’s perfectly normal for someone to get spaghetti (spagbowl) with a side of chips. They also take bread with that but not rice. They don’t like rice. When you get Chinese food (a Chinky) you have to make a special request for rice. Otherwise it’s a cardboard container of vegetables and chicken on a bed of chips.

“AND THEN A PINT OF, I DON’T KNOW, YOU KNOW? McCEWAN’S LAGER OR A CALEDONIAN 80.”
At my Uncle’s pub in Glasgow the men will talk for hours about beer. They’ll ask me what I’m having and if it’s say Tenants for example, they’ll say, “Och, that’s a woman’s pint – here, try this” then they’ll slide over their pint. Soon, you’re trying about half a dozen different pints and trying not to say, “They all taste exactly the same.” They also buy a round no matter who needs it which is annoying because I don’t like drinking 5 pints at once.
Sometimes my Uncles calls me here in New York and tells me what beers are on tap at his pub (Witherspoon’s). I don’t know what to do with this information.

“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKES. SEE ME? RIGHT?..”
My dad’s from a shitty area called the Gorbals and over there they introduce every noun before saying a sentence. As in: “See me? See my ma? See fish? My ma hates fish.” I think the vernacular developed because you’re so often talking to a drunk, you have to lead him by the hand to each part of the sentence, no matter how simple that sentence is.

“I WANT A JAMMY DODGER LIKE A FUCKING JAM SANDWICH AND A CHIP BUTTY. THAT’S JUST BREAD WITH CHIPS. I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO GET INTO THE PINTS. JUST GET ME THAT.”
I was thinking of a “Jelly Piece” not a Jammy Dodger. The latter is a biscuit. The former is a jam sandwich. My dad grew up in a council estate (UK projects) and they’d play soccer in the center of the buildings almost 24 hours a day. When a kid shows up, he just goes on the team with less players and so on and so on. There’s no score. When the kids got tired they’d yell up, “Here Ma, gonnee gee us a jelly piece?” and it would come flying out the window wrapped in newspaper. Ah, the good ‘ol days.

“LOOK YOU, YA FUCKING COW! I NEED A SANDWICH, A JAMMY DODGER, IT’S JUST BREAD AND JAM. FUCK THE CHIP BUTTY. FUCK THE McCEWAN’S LAGER. CAN YOU JUST DO THAT PLEASE, YOU FUCKING COW!?”
Glaswegians pronounce cow “coo” so like “horn” that was an error. I also should have switched up cow with cunt at the end but now we’re getting into semantics. I saw many commenters noticed it was just a phone case at the end. This is true though I did shatter the case against the ground if that helps.

Anyway, I was born in England but my parents are Scottish and I spent plenty of summers in Glasgow as a kid. I still visit about once a year. Here’s some posts about the last visit.

GLASGOW STORIES: A WEEK IN SCOTLAND

GLASGOW STORIES: BORN TO SHOP

GLASGOW STORIES: I GOT A GIG

GLASGOW STORIES: LAST NIGHT’S STAND UP

10 GREAT GLASGOW QUOTES

VACATIONING IN GLASGOW

MY TRIP TO SCOTLAND

And here’s a wee movie about me Gran who’s fucking 95 the noo.

-GAVIN McINNES


Comments
  1. Jay says:

    It’s a ‘jam piece’ btw. I thought your Glaswegian accent was spot on though. Glasgows my favourite city in the UK!

  2. Gavin says:

    In the above song, his ma throws it oot the window but it goes up instead of down and becomes a satellite.

  3. pogi says:

    Was the green screen there because you were planning on putting some special effects in the background but at the last minute you guys were like eh fuck it!

  4. raymes says:

    chip butty naaahw awww yaeh

  5. Justin says:

    Very cool video. They seem like nice people.

  6. Miss universe says:

    What a cute Gran

  7. Jay says:

    Ive only heard it called a ‘jam piece’ by Scots but maybe some call it a jelly piece also. Never heard it in my 5 years in Glasgow

    http://news.stv.tv/scotland/209719-piece-and-jam-makes-a-comeback-on-supermarket-shelves/

  8. grumpy old man says:

    love Gran

  9. blaahus poopus says:

    You’re a good grandson

  10. sTevo says:

    I was in Scotland once Didn’t understand a freakin word. Not one. What the f#ck is a jammy dodger? Take the F#ckin marbles out of you damn pie hole.

  11. MXWL says:

    literally the only thing i took away from this video is that gavin throws like a fuckin girl. his son is gonna end up the scott smalls of brooklyn

  12. Louie G says:

    Look a the size a that boy’s head!

  13. [...] to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.Powered by WP Greet Box WordPress Plugin I found an explanation of this Ad for anyone who just doesn’t get it… Share [...]

  14. heather says:

    It’s a piece and jam. Both my parents are from Greenock, Scotland. Try translating everything they say when ur a kid, ’cause north one understands them.

  15. heather says:

    NoIt’s a piece and jam. Both my parents are from Greenock, Scotland. Try translating everything they say when ur a kid, ’cause no one understands them.

  16. Randy@33 says:

    I like Mike Meyers. Wayne’s World and that stuff. It’s cool the way you do Scottish accent like Mike Meyers. Do you like Mike Meyers too? Hes comedy is the best of all. I like the way he does that accent. Maybe you should do a tv show with Mike Meyers? I love that man.

  17. miss appalachian says:

    I would like to know more about the day in and day out of your Gran, please.

  18. ??? says:

    I used to work with a Scottish lady named Ray. I would ask her questions just so I could listen to her accent. She told me stories about her childhood in Scotland. How her mah would send the kids out when the men were tarring the roads. Something about the charcoal being good for their lungs…they would just stand in the street and breath in the steam.

  19. Monkeyy says:

    Your Americanisms and slight inaccuracies cause me pain. Especially the ones nobody seems to have noticed. Shameful to your British heritage D:

  20. Jim says:

    Got to agree with the “Monkeyy” fella. Although the vid is hilarious. You’re so bad, it actually makes me cringe. Even more so when you try to explain where you went wrong, only to be more wrong.

    “shouldn’t have said a chip butty because that’s what the English call it” – Depends where abouts in Scotland you are. I imagine it’s even only some of the older Scottish lot who still hold on to calling it anything different that a butty.

    “spaghetti (spagbowl)” – It’s spag bol, not bowl. Short for spaghetti bolognese. It’s also never just called “spaghetti”, as this is just the type of pasta used, and not the actual dish.
    “They also take bread with that but not rice” – Why would you have both rice AND pasta in the same dish? They both play such similar roles in their own dishes. Fairly tastesless, and need to absorb the flavour from the ingredients around them. Having 2 things play the same role in the same dish just doesn’t make sense in the art of cooking. They may not have a lot of rice dishes in Scotland compared to a lot of other countries, but they are heavily influenced by Italian food, so it makes sense that pasta is loved by them, as a nation.

    “When you get Chinese food (a Chinky) you have to make a special request for rice.” – I’ve never heard of that at all. Even in England, we have a great love for chips, but all chinese takeouts/restaurants give you a choice between rice or chips. They don’t make you specially order one over a chosen default.
    “Otherwise it’s a cardboard container” – It should actually be contained in Aluminium containers with cardboard coverings, or sometimes even plastic container and lid. But pure coardboard container would just become soaked and fall apart.

    “I was thinking of a “Jelly Piece” not a Jammy Dodger.”
    You almost actually made some sense, if only you didn’t end up saying jelly. It’s jam. Nowhere in the entire UK would we ever call it jelly. Jelly is a completely different thing.

    Also, can’t put my hand on where I saw this, but it was something along the lines of Scotland and England being in the country of the UK or Great Britain or something. Scotland IS ITS OWN country. England IS ITS OWN country. United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is a SOVEREIGN STATE, consisting of the FOUR COUNTRIES, England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales.

  21. [...] year Gavin McInnes made his own NSFW Apple Scotland [...]

  22. Taska says:

    What is the music in the background?

  23. Velma Chardon says:

    I absolutely love this parody! I’m a NUYORICAN! That “See me,right” is friggin hilarious!!! Everytime someone doesn’t understand something at work I say it, with my parody of YOU! As is “you fucking cow!” I love Scotsmen, Scotland and yet have never been to the latter… Just wanted to drop you a line to say THIS makes me laugh everyday! It’s saved as a favorite on my iTouch. If you’re ever in Colorado Springs, let me know…

  24. lisa says:

    thanks! i needed the laugh! so funny. do more.

  25. Alan says:

    Just wanted to correct Hand sounds like Haun …not Horn
    As in “ere ya wee basard gees a haun wi this”

    And it`s not a jelly piece or jam piece it would be “can a hae a piece on Jam”

  26. Fiercely proud scot. says:

    I only got 3 paragraphs into this and got so annoyed that I didn’t waste any more time reading….. If you are going to be so racist, at least get your facts right. If someone where to slag off any other race of citizens in the world the way you are you would see it as plainly ignorant – I’m Scottish through and through, fiercely proud of my cultural heritage and of the pioneers of my country. My husband & I don’t drink, I have a bat helots degree, we don’t fry everything, call Chinese takeaways ‘chinky’ (!!) and am eloquent with a broad vocabulary and I can honestly say of my large circle of friends & family I am not the exception, they are all friendly, sociable, respectful, intelligent & loyal & wouldn’t dream of picking on their parents/grandparents heritage and tear it to shreds.
    Point made.

  27. AlaneWaneWooMaYeah says:

    DAFUQ is a bat helots degree ?

  28. Rab says:

    piece and jam is what you’re lookin for, bugger knows where the jelly talk came from.

    also, not everybody in glasgow is fuckin pished all the time and the thing about gettin a bed of chips in your chinese takeaway is nonsense unless you went somewhere fuckin weird.

    do your homework next time mate.

  29. skabz says:

    raging about scotland being a province, its a country you massive idiot.

  30. Definaty a piece and jam….lol. Was very enjoyable to watch, despite some of these persnickity comments. I would love to see more Weegie creations :)
    Both of my parents are Glasweigan, my whole family both sides.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  31. Betty says:

    After reading the comments I realised that Jim beat me to the punch. I am 31 years old and I have lived in Edinburgh all my life and everyone here calls it a chip butty or a chip roll. “Piece” is a west cost thing

    Siri also understands us all perfectly well. But I think that is more down to the fact that us east coasters have a softer dialect than those on the west coast.

    As for the “province” statement…that just shows your ignorance and how stupid you are OR it was an attempt at trolling.

    Good day to you sir.

  32. [...] I’ll give you a visual illustration. With a bonus: explanation of the original premise given by the guy: Scots always start out friendly and open minded. They embrace everyone with open arms which is why [...]

  33. Jim says:

    Thanks for the education about food. A french Fry sandwich-I never thought of that.
    The video is hilarious, thank you for brightening my day.

  34. maya says:

    Your gramma is a charming woman. Thank you for sharing. And also holy cow can I be good looking and spry at 95? Please?

  35. Benjamin Haag says:

    THIS IS HILARIOUS. And I am dense enough to have realized only after reading this twice that you’re the guy in the video…love it! Hope to see more…

  36. Marc Murray says:

    I knew I recognized my old Herb and Spice (Ottawa) coworker and inspirational teacher. You used to call me BulletHead. A name that, sadly, has not stuck.

  37. Miranda says:

    So I’m Australian from scottish decent residing in the USA. The scottish accent to me is so comforting and I do feel guilty that I have two children growing up with the American accent.
    Time to go home???

  38. [...] The story behind the parody [...]

  39. blatherskite says:

    och it’s cawed a piece n jeely as in ‘throw us doon a piece n jeely”.

  40. Kevin McFadzean says:

    I was brought up in a village around 40 minutes south of Glasgow. My gran called a jam sandwich a “jelly piece” (prounounced JEELY PIECE) and the container was a “jelly jar” (prounounced JEELY JOR).

  41. Ron Vanden says:

    Great skit… but you shouldn’t have looked at the camera at the end.

  42. [...] Here’s a bit of info about the motivations behind the commercial [...]

  43. bam pot says:

    i think strachan thinks gavins a right wee dafty

  44. Kim says:

    I thought it was funny over here in Ohio. Now my kiddos are asking for “jammy dodgers” for breakfast. I’m glad your vid hit a million– I’d guess you got a few laughs whether you were speaking English, Glaswegian, Scottish, or some bandy version of one or all. Enjoy the moment!

  45. Michael says:

    Lot’s of folks in Austin TX are sharing this video right now. Super funny stuff. I actually found this page when I was looking up “Jammy Dodger”. Well done lad.

  46. Heath says:

    Great Job.. Just found this on G+ and made me smile…..

  47. Flora says:

    The accent is very convincing (I was born and brought up just outside Glasgow). “Hand” is “haun’”, but “cow” is perfectly all right as an insult – “coo” is more rustic and tends to refer to the actual beastie with four legs and a tail. The “jeely piece chucked oot o’ a 20 storey flat” is more fokelore than real (it was a song), but that certainly happened out of more modest-height tenements.

  48. Steve says:

    I’m a scotsman from Fife and we do indeed call them chip butties.

  49. Michael says:

    Ah I was wondering your scots is close but full of errors lol at least you know what they are. Did you say your part English?

  50. Holly says:

    I love the Apple Ad, but love the vid of your granny even more. What a doll baby. You are not saying she’s 95 are you? She’s gorgeous and looks about 65! Healthy Highland blood no doubt. It’s great the way she shares your humor… I love it.

  51. Isobel says:

    Right, I’m a weegie, in Sydney being shown this by a South African! First things first..loved it, loved the ‘cow’ part. Oh and it’s a chip roll and a piece n jam, you have to say the latter very quickly! Looking forward to terrorising my weans with this accent in the future.

  52. Clayton says:

    Everyone is kinda sharpshooting Gavin on this and ruining the whole bit. The premise that you can speak English to a Scotsman, and he speaks it back, and you still have no idea what is being said, is now applied to a phone. It’s funny. Who gives a fuck if it’s not absolutely correct. It’s funny.

  53. Mark says:

    Just going to point that if Siri had been set to “English (United Kingdom)” instead of “English (United States)” the results of this test would have been different. For instance Siri (UK) knows that a “jammie dodger” or “Jammy dodger” is a cookie as we yanks say. Siri (US) thinks one is saying “Jammy Daughter” and generate search hits such as the Pearl Jam’s song Daughter.

    Anyway my point is while comical the phones settings were set to ensure the phases used would not stand a chance against the Siri (United States) database.


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