Posted by
Lesley Arfin
• 07.21.10 11:00 am


I am 18 years old and a huge fan of yours. I have got a problem that I knoooow you can relate to and would really appreciate your own personal advice on the situation: I have such a huge crush on Noah, who works at this fancy schmancy restaurant that I frequent pretty regularly.


(Photo courtesy of Titty City)

I am 18 years old and a huge fan of yours. I have got a problem that I knoooow you can relate to and would really appreciate your own personal advice on the situation: I have such a huge crush on Noah, who works at this fancy schmancy restaurant that I frequent pretty regularly. He’s a 20-year-old sparkly blue-eyed skater kid (totally your department), and I wanna have a summer romance with him in the worst way. I am also 99% positive that he likes me back. He def flirts with me and we have as lengthy a discussion at his job allows every time I go there. There are a million more examples that I won’t mention for the sake of brevity, but you get the idea.

Is he not asking me to hang out sometime because he’s working and doesn’t want to get in trouble? Should I ask him to hang out? Not an old fashioned gal or anything, but I usually leave it to the boy to do the asking. This I feel, however, is a special situation. I would just really like to end the summer with us having hooked up. Please answer because I love you and feel like you’d know exactly how to play this!

Sincerely,
-CRUSHED OUT

Dear Crushed Out,

I am a fan of YOURS for asking me this question, but the first problem with this situation is that he’s a skater! Skaters suck! I don’t ever date skateboarders (only Fat Bill, but he doesn’t count cuz it’s his job and he hates skaters too). Skaters are usually the type to have girlfriends but flirt with other girls just because they like the attention. They don’t know how to say no to women because each girl they meet is basically a hotter version of their mom because skateboarding is for children, and when you’re still doing it into your 20s, you become a man-child. How many professional skateboarders do you know have successful relationships?

And another thing, skaters usually have nothing to talk about other than skating. So in other words, they’re usually totally fucking boring. Once I made out with this pro skater dude. He wanted to come home with me and I was like “OK but let’s get pizza first cuz I’m starving.” It was the most awkward thing ever. All he did was talk about some skateboarding bullshit that I don’t even remember because I was too busy sleeping because I was so bored. Then he begged me to have sex with him and I made him sleep on the couch.

Anyway, just ask this guy to hang out. He’s probably just being shy. Keep going to where he works and keep talking to him and eventually you guys will talk about the MacGruber movie or something and neither one of you will have seen it, and then you’ll be like, “Let’s go see it!” And you’ll go see it and laugh and make out and by this time next summer, you’ll be adopting a kitten together. If you don’t believe me, write back and tell me I’m full of shit.

The summer is just starting. Keep flirting. It’s the best part of this whole thing anyway.

xox
-LESLEY ARFIN
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com

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Comments
  1. todd says:

    you gonna have some ‘splainin to do when O’Dell sees this

  2. Jay says:

    didn’t avril lavigne write a song about this or something?

  3. JuCIFER says:

    Alls I know is that Punky Brewster up there has a magnificent ass.

  4. . says:

    you mad? shout out to all the skaters’ mattresses out there.

  5. Smelly says:

    Two words for you: Cleav-age.

  6. D.D says:

    Barf,

    I love your column, but I gotta say bullshit on the whole “skateboarders are boring attention whores” thing. Skating into your 20s (or later) doesn’t make you a boring man-child. It separates you from the doldrums of society. I also know a lot of skateboarders who are in bands, myself included. Yes, we get frustrated that many (not all) skateboarders only have skateboarding to talk about. Those kids are morons, and usually jerks because skateboarding is the only thing they’re good at. That’s also the reason I don’t feel the need to carry my skateboard or wear skate shoes everywhere.

    But it’s a generalization to say that all skaters are like that. Let’s go see MacGruber and I’ll show you what I’m talking about, sweet pea.

    -D.D.

  7. Zippy says:

    Don’t make this so hard, you little dope.
    So just go to the restaurant in a short skirt with no panties. Say to “sparkles”, “I’m having the fish, tonight”. Spread the legs and tell him “You can have your’s later”.

    If he’s not gay or to beat up in the head from the skateboarding, he’ll be climbing you like a rock wall an hour after his shift ends.

  8. Distended bowel says:

    I hope her skater dream guy isn’t that weirdo with the testicle cap in #1280.

  9. Anonymous says:

    yo it’s august in 2 weeks i dont think summer is just starting, it’s now!

  10. yes says:

    skaters do suck, i am one.

  11. neel says:

    Gosh I feel awful about the skater bashing too. What i do love is that massive peach of an ass up there at the top.

  12. Sewer Rats says:

    “Skaters are usually the type to have girlfriends but flirt with other girls just because they like the attention.”

    “The summer is just starting. Keep flirting. It’s the best part of this whole thing anyway.”

    Either skaters have it all figured out and have realized “the best part of this whole thing” …orrr Barf is too self absorbed to be with someone who is equally self absorbed. I’m going to go with the later option because she spent most of this response telling you about a pro skater that begged her to have sex!

    Then again, I could be a skateboarder in denial. Likely.

  13. matty long says:

    @D.D: your response proves that you’re a perfect piece of shit. thank you for making my life easier.
    xoxo

  14. Ruckus Fuckus says:

    D.D.: “It separates you from the doldrums of society. I also know a lot of skateboarders who are in bands, myself included.”

    LOL.

  15. Skate Scholar, PhD. (aka Dr. Relationship) says:

    Skaters are like all men. They just want to have sex with you, and not have too much trouble before or afterwards.

    So if you imply that he will get sex, or at least a hand job, he will go out with you.

    It is true that skaters are extremely stupid, but this is Street Boners. Let’s not kid ourselves, even if we went to Wellesley, nobody here is inventing time machines or curing cancer, or could even pass an 8th grade algebra test. Knowing a bunch of trivia about sitcoms from 1989 and reminiscing about Morrissey is not intellectual or even interesting.

    The reason why skaters are boring is because they have discovered something that is more fun than dealing with chicks (or almost anything else, for that matter)… so they don’t even try.

    Most regular working stiff type dudes have nothing better to do than listen to some 30 something woman blabber on about 90s retro or how she felt in high school. They pretend to care because they know once the chick is gone, they will just go home and stare at the wall and masturbate and wish they were dead. Skater dudes can always just go slappy a curb.

    In summary, yes it does suck to date a skater. However, they are really a physical manifestation of the Id of every man. At least they aren’t being a fairy and faking it. If you want to bone the guy, just throw some hints his way. If you do not, then avoid.

  16. neel says:

    yeah that’s great, but man, how about that ass?

  17. Die Juden says:

    That’s what I’m sayin. That ass is ridic.

  18. ㅊㅇ says:

    who that girl??


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