Posted by
Lesley Arfin
• 02.25.10 11:00 am


Valentine’s Day was rough on me. I know it’s a retarded, contrived holiday and I should’ve been celebrating my vagina’s freedom and blahblahblah, but what I know doesn’t much change what I feel. Out of my close circle (about 15 people), I’m the only single one.

Valentine’s Day was rough on me. I know it’s a retarded, contrived holiday and I should’ve been celebrating my vagina’s freedom and blahblahblah, but what I know doesn’t much change what I feel. Out of my close circle (about 15 people), I’m the only single one. What the hell? I’ve only ever had one boyfriend, and that was a fat kid three years ago who was really mean to me. I enjoyed being single until a few months ago, but these days it just feels lonely.

I tend to be attracted to aloof, hot-and-cold motherfuckers that are a few notches better looking than I am. I always always like them more than they like me, but I usually get them into bed. Should I stop sleeping with people unless there’s some commitment? That doesn’t sound fun.

I suspect that if I liked boys less, they would like me more, but how do you go about doing that? I try not to over-text or over-call to at least give the appearance of nonchalance. But is that a bad move? Should I be upfront about how I feel? The one time I did that in recent history ended up very poorly.

I’ve been told that I’m a cold bitch to strangers I don’t like and to boys I’m interested in. Well, it’s definitely not how I feel on the inside. One of my major pitfalls is low self-esteem born of daddy issues and being kind of fat. Does my bitchiness ooze some kind of needy vibe? How can I plug that ooze up?

I know I’m supposed to put this all aside, work on myself, and let love find me when it will. I’m tryin’! But it’s getting to the point where I feel broken. I like to think of myself as a decently cool girl, so what am I doing wrong? I currently have no prospects and no booty calls, so I’m really just asking for back-pocket advice.

Admiringly,
Angela Chase

Dear Angela Chase,

Wow. I totally can relate to this. One if the reasons why I have an addiction to boyfriends is because when I am single, I’m a fucking nut-bag (currently working on this). I’m probably the opposite of you in the sense that I rarely play it cool. I come up with excuses like “I don’t wanna play games” or “Whatever! Who cares?” And for some reason, lying to myself in this way gives me permission to act like a TOTAL OBSESSED PSYCHO.

Here’s a secret, if not THE secret: Getting a boyfriend IS a game. Falling in love isn’t a game, I guess — but fuck love for now. And while we’re on that note, fuck looks too. Everyone is attracted to someone. And some of my biggest heartthrobs include not-so-conventionally hot people, like Beth Ditto, Michael Phelps, Dennis from Head of the Class, and Darlene from Roseanne. Some people might not agree with me, but fuck some people too. What’s hot is confidence, which I’m finding means something different for everyone. For me, I cannot have casual sex. I can lie to myself and think “Whatever! Who cares?” but before you know it, I’m shame spiraling in fetal posish, and newsflash: I CARE. I also try to smile and be nice to everyone, regardless of how good looking they or whether or not I’m sexually interested in them. It’s just like, good PR for me, you know? Unless they are totally creepy…. I’m not saying I like everyone, but I at least I try to give heads the benefit of the doubt.

Another thing I think I mention in almost every “Ask Barf” is the antidote to low self esteem: esteem-able acts. Esteem-able acts can be as fun as putting on makeup and as annoying as volunteer work. I try to fill up my days with work and service, honestly. When I’m doing work and don’t feel like working, I try to just be of service to the job rather than myself. I often surprised at how good this makes me feel, like the kind of feeling when I’m walking down the street and I look awesome and no one can fuck with me. This shit is daily stuff and I go in and out of doing it, but it works. And the more I do it, the more it becomes like second nature, and then I’m no longer this shitty, sulking sort-of-cute girl, but I’m just whoever the fuck I am, not even thinking about it that much at all. I think this is also called “Fake it til you make it.”

Can I also just say that I buy into Valentine’s Day too. I know it’s dumb but I can’t help but become a sad face emoticon. I kind of hate the advice I just gave to you in a way. Sometimes it’s just fucking not fair and really lonely and awful. Sometimes making a mixtape doesn’t solve everything. Life is hard and painful and there’s nothing we can do about it. The more pain we go through, the deeper the person we become. And some of us are just meant to be reallllly deep people, I guess. There is beauty in that and I promise if you just keep digging through all the fucking bullshit, you’ll see it too.

I’m giving you a big hug right now,
-LESLEY ARFIN
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com

Send “Ask Barf” letters to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com


Comments
  1. kara says:

    wow. that was really nice.

  2. Stephanie says:

    But 7 times out of 10 a mixtape solves eeeeeverything!

  3. just a cunt hair away says:

    where are all these hot, single chubby girls at?

  4. lala says:

    i rly luv u arfin thanks for all the Positivity

  5. me too says:

    “where are all these hot, single chubby girls at?”

    Halifax, Nova Scotia

  6. Spandrell says:

    “I also try to smile and be nice to everyone, regardless of how good looking they or whether or not I’m sexually interested in them. It’s just like, good PR for me, you know?”

    hahahaha

  7. just a cunt hair away says:

    great- i’m on the next train then…

  8. The President of the United States of Full Blown Aids says:

    Step 1: Don’t be fat.

  9. The President of the United States of Full Blown Aids says:

    I didn’t read this, but that works way better than the alternative.

  10. Isaac Newton says:

    My father touched my butthole. This made me thirst for knowledge.

  11. Anonymous says:

    baby steps. if your history is being attracted to guys three steps hotter, then you need to start flirting with guys at your level of attractiveness or a notch lower. the reaction you get will bolster your self-esteem enough to begin feeling cofident around guys who (you believe) are hotter than you. then, it’s onto losing some weight.that’ll ratchet your self-esteem up another notch. do it the natural way, eat right and exercise. make sure your hair is good too. go to a salon and get a consult on what would flatter your face most and do it.

    bottom line: you’re taking the lazy approach and it isn’t working. you’ve got to work to become as hot as the guys you want. in the same way you don’t want to date below your level, they don’t either. water rises to its own level.

  12. marbles says:

    this just made my day. Thanks Lesley!
    also my friend just lent me your book. I’m excited to read it.

  13. Drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    I second what anonymous just said. Get a gym pass, go three days a week for at least an hour minimum. No more Ice Cream, forget bagels and soda. You’ll soon look your best, and you’ll feel amazing for a variety of reasons. You’d be amazed how far a hot little body will take you, you don’t have to have the prettiest face. Hot body + good hygiene + caring about your style (hair, clothes) = boyfriend.

  14. charles says:

    Don’t being fat and joining a gym is good advice. Exercise is the best cure for depression, and when you start to see and feel the results, your self esteem will go up a notch and you’ll want to do it more. Besides, the gym is like a bar without booze and everyone wears tight clothes, and believe it or not, there are “cool” people at the gym too, not just former jocks and cheerleaders.

    You’d be surprised how many men at the gym love nothing more than a soft round ass, personally I love watching the big asses jiggle in tights, it is the best part.

    Also, date older. Older men equate young with hot. A decent looking, slightly overweight girl in her early twenties is seen as a hot nubile thing to a guy in his 30s.

  15. meatballs says:

    Eliminate or at least minimize booze from your courtships and pick out someone who is NICE, not aloof/hot-and-cold. I’m drawn to the latter type too but none of them will be your boyfriend. They know they can be fucking a ton of different chicks and won’t stick with the same chubster.

  16. Salad says:

    I read up to fattie then ended it.

    My advice is verrrry simple.

    Gymnasium membership or if you can afford it lipo and amphetamines.

    You can’t play the game if you don’t have the chips.

    Good luck.

  17. ew says:

    whats up w/ all the chubby, sad sacks writing in lately? if this shits gonna turn into ym someone better throw in some period/laxative/white capri horror stories and interviews with brandy.

  18. chastity says:

    oh dumb little boys, your wives, too, will be fat someday. you might as well be fucking a hot fat girl.

  19. advice says:

    dont think that what you think is right

  20. Anon says:

    so emotional; gotta take a dump.

  21. Adolf Hipster says:

    “I enjoyed being single until a few months ago, but these days it just feels lonely.”

    “Should I stop sleeping with people unless there’s some commitment? That doesn’t sound fun.”

    Sounds like fat girl wanna have her cake and eat it too.

  22. Zippy says:

    Just throw your legs open and say “All Aboard!!!”. Somebody will show up.

  23. Poo says:

    Lesley Arfin, sos oficialmente una pelotuda. No te leo más

  24. Kennedy says:

    Tampax commercial.

  25. white power says:

    yo, you may catch me in a pair of Polo Skipperys, matching cap,
    razor blades in my gums, nigga…(BOBBY!)

  26. Poutine says:

    Gotta say, I usually don’t get much out of this column but that was really good. Good work Barf! BARRRRFFFFFFFFF! <——(Bill Pullman yelling at Candy)

  27. Hairy Sheets says:

    This column makes me want to cuddlefuck barf.

  28. miss appalachian says:

    What a lot of girls don;t realize is they need a nose job. For real. Your nose is too big for your face or maybe you lack a chin. The chin is crucial. Your face is important. I have a great body and always will, but my face wasn’t perfect and it sucked. You shy out of pictures, you don’t give yourself fully, you can’t be as funny as you want to be and you know you’re hilarious. Jewish girls I’m talking to you. You’re the funny ones. Seriously, if you know you’re not as involved as you want to be and you’re holding back with your incredible wit and you’re body is screaming at you for not sleeping with hotter guys then go speak to a plastic surgeon. do not be ashamed. when jewish dads melt with a hot model mom the offspring is more often than not….skewed looking.
    so yeah, it’s your face.

  29. duncan says:

    member when michael was all like “jew me sue me kick me kike me”? what was that all about?

  30. wind jammer says:

    if the cock don’t fit you must acquit

  31. blahrg says:

    I mean I know the replies are all about ripping the organs out of whoever wrote an article or wrote in for an article and telling them they smell like shit with their stupid fucking organs hanging out all over the place like a goddamn moron, but wtf? This girl said she DATED a fat guy, not that she IS fat. Show me the quote where she said she was fat. ya, you can read between the lines, but she said she can get guys to fuck easy enough. That implies that she’s a little chubby at worst, and just has low self esteem.

  32. a4awesome says:

    ^^ word – she never called herself chubbz.

    I find that when you stop caring about relationships, it just happens. One day that guy you’ve been sleeping with all along becomes the current beau because he’s not into sharing anymore.

  33. A_Train says:

    Ok here is the thing. This girl is attracted to dudes with options. If you are gong to date someone that has options you best start thinking of yourself as an option. If you’re not over a 7 or an 8 you may get pretty lonely. I applaud Barf for trying to be nice to this girl but someone has to make her aware that dating is really evolutionary natural selection type stuff.

    Plain and simple. If you are a 4 or a 5 and you only date 7 and 8’s you may get fucked occasionally but you will spend a lot of time alone. If I sound bitter it’s because I am. I happen to be 5 also.

  34. Tobias funke analrapist says:

    me and my friends always complain about how all the unfortunate looking annoying bitches have cute boyfriends. jigga whaaaaaa??? all the fat chicks I know have boyfriends. the mousy plain ones I see have hot hipster bfs and this girl obvs has some game because she’s getting ass so I don’t know maybe it’s a personality thing.

  35. Dick sucking ho says:

    What the fuck with the poor reading comprehension. The girl said she is a little fat.

    “One of my major pitfalls is low self-esteem born of daddy issues and being kind of fat.”

  36. […] Totally, right?! I was thinking about how this is basically the ultimate truth of dating life, and we should just tell this to as many teenage girls as we can, as I started clicking on links to some of Lesley’s other dating advice columns. And I came to one in which she admits: […]

  37. mad bomb says:

    You know what’s so weird is here in NYC I constantly see girls getting dressed to the nines to go out, then they go out in packs of threes or fives and totally IGNORE all guys or even worse laugh at them and then either a) booty call some sketchy dude b) go home alone and mope that no guys “tried hard enough” or c) hook up with one of their friends that they’ve hooked up with a million times before so it’s no biggie (I suspect the latter is more often the case than most people realize, but that’s just IMO).

    But the bottom line is: I don’t think even “hot” girls get laid (in a hetero way) as much as you think.

  38. rabidmonkey says:

    nobody likes a mean fat girl, even if they are pretty. people do like mean, pretty, skinny girls. so just loose the weight fatty and everything should be fine.

  39. whatisthislol says:

    seems legit


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