Posted by
Lesley Arfin
• 10.28.10 12:00 pm

My ex-girlfriend wants to fuck my brains out. What should I do?

(Photo courtesy of Titty City)

My ex-girlfriend wants to fuck my brains out. What should I do?

To clarify, I met this girl at a party earlier this year. She was cool, a real funny, classy chick. We started talking to one another and the attraction sort of mounted, then she hit me with a napalm air strike: She is going abroad to Europe to study for a semester. Oh fuck.

I really liked this girl, really I did, but like every other male in their early twenties, I get bored from time to time. Plus, the prospect of a long distance relationship was not appealing to me as it was to her. So what is a guy to do?

We start seeing one another, the relationship was very spotty, we didn’t even know what we were, but if I had to take an educated guess, we were in a gray area between fuck buddies and friends with benefits (on ecstasy).

I should have seen it from the get-go, but the relationship really didn’t last long. We were two horny individuals who liked fucking one another. I got lazy, she got really demanding (and somewhat possessive). We started fighting a fuck-ton. Eventually we undergo perhaps an Academy Award winning break up (it was that sad). She sticks me with breaking her heart. I feel horrible.

Fast forward to a few nights ago when we finally start texting one another again, and she asks me flat out if I would ever be interested in hooking up with her, casually, as a one time thing.

I’m kind of at a loss here. Supposedly I hurt this girl once before, and taking off Pandora’s panties does not seem wise. On the other hand, perhaps I can lay this thing to rest with one final fuck, and I feel that ignoring her plea for a pity fuck would hurt her again. So what the fuck should I do? Her or nothing?


Dear Lingering,

Nothing good will come out of fucking her, and I’m pretty sure you know that. Since you’re having trouble playing the tape out on your own head, I’ll help you out. That’s why you asked Barf.

It can go one of two ways. The first way is that you go in for that “one final fuck” and it’s not as good as you remember it. Actually, you’re even a little grossed out and you feel ashamed. So you have one night of bad sex and go your separate ways. This is actually the best case scenario.

The other option is that you can lie to yourself and think you’re book ending this relationship with just an innocent fuck (and yes, it was relationship, regardless of whatever you called it; also “fuck buddies” and “friends with benefits” are the same thing — and sorry guys, but even those situations are “relationships”; deal with it, commitment-phobes). Fucking doesn’t end things, it keeps them going, especially if the sex is really good. You’re just gonna want more. Good sex is as addictive a drug as any. It’s really hard to quit. It’s also interesting to note that the best sex awards usually go to people who have the worst, most drama-filled relationships. It’s almost like the more drama there is in a relationship, the better the sex will be. There’s something there; remind me to look that up one day.

There’s also a third “wild card” option. Admit that it won’t make things better and fuck her anyway. It won’t make you feel good after and you will probably hurt her again, but I ain’t psychic (JK, I am, but I’ll put aside my gift for the moment). Maybe you should find out for yourself what will happen and how much deeper the pain can be, and you’ll only gain more awareness the next time this comes up.

Or maybe you just really like her and you’re being a pussy. Seems like there’s more to the story than what you’ve told me, putting a lot of the blame on her instead of keeping it focused on Lingering.


Send “Ask Barf” letters / replies to (include photos!)

  1. Rom says:

    Donnie says no!

  2. dr.d says:

    i thought she was in europe?

  3. Brown University says:

    Embarrassing excess of corrections needed–break, not brake–AS addictive–OK, not JK–THAN, not then what you’ve told me–youwrotethisinabitofarushhuh,luvyouanywaykisskiss.

  4. Hormonal Imperative says:

    I pretty much always win.

  5. Straight Edge Boner says:

    Are you really psychic, Lesley? I believe this kind of shit.

  6. je moeder says:

    I miss Titty City….

  7. funn stuff says:

    hey stage mom, talk more about those 3 fat white rappers, they are read worthy.

  8. wyatt says:

    this is your opportunity for anal, dude. don’t fucking blow it.

  9. not lucio says:

    ditto on wyatt, but seriously

    I seem to break up with my gf every week, and the sex is still not that great, when it happens. AND I caught her messaging her ex. Should I cut off her head and throw it in a dumpster?

  10. lesley says:

    Yes it’s true. I’m psychic.

  11. Clifford says:

    not lucio – yeah, that sounds like my story up until earlier this year. Post breakup sex (or even communication) is rarely a good idea.

  12. ew says:

    “take off pandora’s panties” i like that one

  13. anonymous says:

    again with this horseshit. it takes longer then two weeks to have great sex with someone. stop lying to yourselves people.

  14. HAM SANDWICH says:

    Fucking your ex girlfriend is a surefire ticket to BUTT TOWN… git r dun you anal bandito!

  15. hoblo says:

    i just fucked my ex of over a year! say hi, babe. tru story. “Hi”

  16. sharon says:

    dump her, not lucio!

  17. ElGalloGigante says:

    This is ridiculous.

  18. Juice! says:


  19. master t 2.0 says:

    do it. then fuck other people. then fuck her again. then fuck someone else. then fuck her again. never ending cycle.

  20. Sackington Ballsworth says:

    Is it wrong for me to want these people to live happily ever after?

  21. Kevin K. Krause says:

    This guy, that guy that can´t make his girlfriend cum just from fucking etc, they´re all fucking pussies. I just want Lesley.
    I love her since 2002

  22. gim joad says:

    so you’ve had sex… what is it like?

  23. Jon Wilkes Booth says:

    ‘Lingering on something tragic’?

  24. cody says:

    i disagree. i think you should fuck your ex if you feel any desire to. i mean its sex. and your used to her body and miss it and want it. fuck her good unless you truly have some good reasons against it. if it was the girl in the articles picture id totally fuck her again.

  25. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    Make sure she’s using birth control, then take a drive down Memory Lane.

  26. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    I think you guys should play frisbee golf together and see how a friendship feels.

  27. dr.d says:

    ^what he said

  28. Supreme Ninja says:

    When faced with the choice of getting pussy or not getting pussy, get pussy.

  29. napkins says:

    why the fuck am i getting a malware alert with titty city!

  30. Pee Week says:

    Yeah, same shit

  31. bh says:

    Isn’t there a standard, ‘I can still fuck you if I really want to’ rule with all exes forever? Main thing LOST needs to do is just be honest with this chick – tell her he wants to keep fucking but not to pull any more psycho shit or he will bail – and then finish with a dirty sanchez.

    Worked on your mom.

  32. MAX XAM says:

    Man, fuckin’ fuck her.

  33. KUNTZ says:

    fuck her! kill her! eat her!

  34. Anonymous says:

    absolutely no-one fucks someone for the first time without it being awkward, especially if they’re as short term and sporadic as your relationship. don’t kid yourself. fuck her, only if there’s nothing better to do and you want your dick wet

  35. Anonymous says:

    i think they should fuck and revel in the subsequent misery. let’s not forget, they get off far more on the drama than the fucking. he’s getting a hard-on just thinking about the sound her heart makes when it snaps.

  36. Anonymous says:

    Your photo credit is wrong… I know that image from a couple of photographer sites, you should hunt down the correct copyright and not just randomly give it to some porn leech.

Leave A Reply