Posted by
Lesley Arfin
• 01.13.11 12:00 pm

John and I have been friends for going on four years now. When we first started hanging out we were neighbors, we would have platonic sleepovers — not a big deal, but I always had the feeling he was into me but nothing ever happened.

(Photo from Last Night’s Party via

John and I have been friends for going on four years now. When we first started hanging out we were neighbors, we would have platonic sleepovers — not a big deal, but I always had the feeling he was into me but nothing ever happened. A few months later I find out he has a girlfriend studying abroad in France. He’s still dating her to this day, and he still barely mentions her unless I ask. (I’ve met her and the only way I can describe her is “nice”; honestly, there is nothing else.) I have never felt so close to any other man in my life and was convinced about a year ago that I was in love with him. I drunkenly tried to confess my love via text “CALL ME ASAP” but he didn’t call me until the next day when I was sober (what a terrible idea…), and I tried to avoid it but he wouldn’t drop it. So finally I fessed up to my harboring love and he simply said, “No, you’re not,” so I said, “Okay….” We have never talked about it.

A couple months later he decided to move out of the country, potentially forever. He asked me to come and when I was considering, he added, “If you want.” Well fuck, I’m not going to quit my job and run away with some dude who says, “If you want.” WTF. So, instead, I wrote him a letter (“I love you but do what you have to do) and bid him on his life journey. He called me less than two months later, back in the states after moving in with his GF (plane Jane, she’s still nice).

Now he only calls me when he’s having conflicts with her or life in general. (“P.S. Jane was really jealous of you when she was in France.”) I noticed that a lot of his issues he never thinks about how Jane will feel, whether or not she would be heartbroken or fucked up from a break up, he’s only thinking about himself and I’ve brought this to his attention, several times. He is never there when I have a problem that I need to talk about or need advice on. He makes me feel guilty for not calling him (?) or not always answering/calling back. I can’t shake him, I still care about him a lot.

Now his girlfriend is going to grad school in NYC and he decided not to move with her. He listed the pros and cons to me:

Pros: awesome city, great opportunities, great people, new experience, etc.
Cons: expensive, if Jane and him ever broke up it would be a disaster

*Note: Jane is not listed in pros; I pointed this out, he was not pleased: “Well I wouldn’t be considering it if it wasn’t for her….”

He emailed me a couple days ago and has decided not to go to NYC with Jane (boring) and asked if I was looking for a roommate (I am, I could use the break on rent, plus we’d make great roommates, we’ve always known this). I said yes, but I’m not sure if I’m still in love with him or if he’s in love with me or what the fuck is going on. I don’t know if I can handle it.

What do I do?

What I’m hearing is that you’re not in love with him, but you want him to be in love with you. There’s nothing wrong with that (aside from it being totally selfish). It sounds like you’re the one who’s bored, you like the drama of thinking you have these mixed feelings and meddling in his relationship with Jane and how he acts towards her, which is really none of your business. This guy obviously had feelings for you but when they weren’t reciprocated, he was trying to protect himself from getting hurt. I do think that writing “Move to Europe with me… if you want” is passive aggressive but there have been worse crimes of love and vulnerability before. It’s not such a big deal. If the guy I loved said, “Move to Europe with me… if you want,” I would say, “Yes! I want!”

I think you’d know by now if you really wanted him and it seems like you don’t. I think don’t have him move in with you if you’re not 110% sure. If you said you’re in love with him and he said, “No, you’re not,” then wtf? Why does he get to dictate how you really feel, unless of course you know deep down that he is right, which I think you do.

Nothing cures boredom more than creating a little drama, which is what you’re doing, and it seems like nothing more than that. No offense. Go fall in love for real. If it’s with him for real, let him know by shouting it from a rooftop, which is what I want to do when I’m really in love with someone.


Send “Ask Barf” letters / replies to (include photos!)

  1. Dispensator says:

    Buy him a nice alpaca sweater that flaunts his curves.


  2. MOARs FAT CHICKS!!! says:

    If he’s moving to europe, he’s eyes will be occupied with eurochicks…they come off of assembly lines here…no fat chicks!!!

  3. Dragler says:

    that picture is fuckin awesome

  4. Ames says:

    Dear Am I In Love,

    You’re a horrible person, 8-12 months away from your first adult-size nervous breakdown.


  5. Jock Itch says:

    You are the Mark Brunell to her Mark Sanchez. A time tested backup ready to step in when she is injured, unavailable or on the rag.

    Sports analogies are pretty wierd, eh?

  6. Drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    It’s incredibly obvious that moving in with him is a bad idea. Are you an idiot, or simply an attention whore?

  7. muscles says:

    *HE and Jane. You simpleton. Your rom-com is straight to dvd.

  8. imyar says:

    do not live with crushes or anyone you would bone

  9. OH MY FUCKING GOD says:

    LESLEY, you have this one completely wrong.

    Dear “Am I in Love with My Best Friend”,

    One day, you are going to die. Try to get it through your head right now. Try to understand that.

    Okay, now here is what you have to do: go sit down with the guy, and tell him you love him.

    He is going to be scared, and he is going to be defensive. Don’t quail. Get the message out there.

    Losing him is not a big deal. Getting him is not a big deal. But this whole razzamahoozle you’ve got going is a big deal — you are making it one. You have to tell him how you feel.

    You are welcome.

  10. OH MY FUCKING GOD says:

    PS I meant that nicely. I completely sympathize. Ignore the neanderthals above, including, in this case. Afriff.

    My advice is golden: sit down and tell him how you feel.

    Last thing, you know “double defense theory”? It’s game theory. It means when you stop being defensive, the other party is going to be defensive still. You have to give them a few chances to let their guard down. It means he’ll conceal his feelings at first, and you can’t revert again to concealing yours. Put your ass on the line. Goodbye.

  11. Drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    ^ Retarded advice from some drama queen. If he was into you he would have let it be known, without ambiguity. Isn’t there a book that recently got made into a shitty movie about this very subject?

  12. kure kure takora says:

    where are all the hot girls who want to show their snatch for a dude with a strobe. damn.

  13. boioioioioiong says:

    the post is useless because of the picture

  14. o says:

    yellow dress’s bush is mathematical perfection. I’d like to eate her with a glass of wine. THANKS

  15. Anonymous says:

    where the fuck to these last nights parties happen?!?!?!?!

  16. O M fg says:

    Even if it’s true, and he’s just not into you, you should tell him how you feel, so that you can know that. You have to release the demon. I know. People who say it is dramatic to have feelings have not released their demons. Watch them get drunk and see it spelled out for you.

  17. Anonymous says:

    u should just fuck him. who cares about the other girl. if he loves her so goddamn much he’ll reject you, if not you guys bone and things will become clearer after w few more weeks of that shit. Grow up and get it over with. Is it me or did turning 30 make these things easier to see?

    Anon – 90% of that lastnightsparty shit doesnt go on for real. young chicks get retarded when they see those party bloggers. really sux, theyre not nearly as slutty as they are in the pics. I would nail both of them to a wall, the one on the right is bananas. Skin like that doesnt age well so hit it now.

  18. Anonymous says:

    This news may or may not be welcome, but I do believe the redhead on the right is a very active big-time porn industry girl right now. So probably her pictured mate is as well.

  19. steve martin says:

    Holy mackerel.

    I think the blond in the photo is in this scene…

    Does anyone know who she is?

  20. Anonymous says:

    i know ive seen the redhead before somewhere

  21. blaahus poopus says:

    i suggest all three of you move to n.y. together and share a house/flat/apartment/broom closet–whatever it is people reside in there, and see what happens.

  22. masturbator says:

    The redhead in the black dress is faye valentine aka faye reagan. I know this because I am a sad lonely man. Some of her videos are totally awesome though.
    For example:

  23. Anonymous says:

    update: he’s not moving in via his decision. thanks for your feedback.

    it was never about fucking, thanks for adding that in lesley, but it was more than that.

    you’re right, i’ve been selfish. but i don’t think i’m alone in that
    i’ll try to be less dramatic and fall in love for real, and make sure they know it when it happens.


  24. Arv says:

    @Anonymous: Editors add the title. We gotta spice things up.

  25. Anonymous says:

    how could you have the hots for a guy who needs to split the rent with you? majorly gross. i don’t care if he’s mr. america, any guy who’s that poor immediately falls from hot to decidedly not.

  26. On to you fuckers says:

    Next. This dude sounds like he’s not into you. It sounds like he’s into his girlfriend and trying to use you to share rent. Get out and meet a dude that wants to bone you with no question in your mind. No confusion for you and it’s not lame. Believe it or not it happens. you meet someone and it is just clear what needs to happen. You don’t have time for his selfish ass anyways. Trust me. I have good advice.

    Get out and meet some new dudes. You can meet a new dude every day. Just look around. I meet dudes and bone them all the time. It’s easy. (I’m a committment a phobe) but I can tell you that if a dude wanted to bone you he would. There would be no confusion. No pansying about it with calling you for advice on whether or not to move in with his girlfriend. He sounds like a douche anyways. He sounds more like a “pussy”. Why do you want to date a pussy? a broke pussy? a broke douchetastic pussy? You are better than that. Move on. This problem is boring.

  27. kure kure takora says:

    Wait, living with roommates = “that poor”?

    Sorry I’m not shelling out 1,000+ full utilities a month on a shoe box studio.

  28. two cents says:

    i love you lesley and always think you give fantastic and insightful advice.

    in this case, i think the writer is dealing a big-time narcissist. He calls when it is convenient for him, acts carelessly with the emotions of his girlfriend or doesn’t even consider them, and does the same with those of his friend (in this case, our advice-seeker) – such as not being a friend to her when she needs advice or asking her to move out of the country, then being dismissive of the emotions behind it, as if there isn’t a genuine connect there.

    Narcissists have one interest: themselves. So unless you are on the topic of him, he is going to zone out and be unable to focus on anything else – including your letter declaring love. He can’t cope because he is can’t connect.

    Let go of your desire/need to gain his interest, because he isn’t truly interested in anyone but himself.

  29. Anonymous says:

    ^^ not being able to shell out over 1,000 a month per rent = financially sad.

    i’d rather ride an obese, herpes-encrusted millionaire’s micro-dick than a poor man’s stiff 12 incher. any day of the week.

  30. Jesusio says:

    Wait. Let’s get back to yellow dress’ vagina. It IS perfection.
    To the girl: go rent 500 Days of Summer. When you’re old like I am, you’ll have been on both sides and understand what has happened and laugh.

  31. wtf says:

    I saw too many words on the screen and decided it was more reading than i was interested in doing, but i’m sure it was a great read!

  32. Anonymous says:

    Hey, wtf. I summarised it for you with this excerpt:


    Trust me on this.

  33. Swing Kid says:

    5:24, which one is you, the one in the yellow or the one in the black? Which one is his girlfriend? Did he take the picture? If so, this is more complicated than I imagined. Please keep updating.

  34. friend says:

    the girl on the left is georgia jones

  35. Jetpack says:

    Ah, to be young and completely moronic again.

  36. yikes says:

    I keep coming back to look at that picture.

  37. I still think says:

    she should tell the guy.

    If you don’t start digging in with these guys — narcissists, pussies, whatever you want to call them — then you never learn to trust your instincts.

    If you don’t learn to trust your instincts, then every time you fall for someone, you’re thrown to the wolves (see above — but it happens to anybody who seeks love advice).

    The best thing, I swear to God, is to sit down and tell him how you feel. He may tear out your heart. You may end up running the streets at dawn. But six months from now, when you fall in love again, you’ll know what’s up. You won’t be emailing Barf.

  38. and says:

    by the way, don’t ever listen to anyone who asks you if you’re “really in love with someone”

    That’s the dumbest thing in the world. Go and read, “Lucky Jim.” The question is never whether or not you’re really in love. You are. The question is what are you going to do about it.

  39. Smelling says:

    You guys realize that the author of “He’s Just Not That Into You” was stand-up comic and 48-year-old alcoholic, single man Greg Brehnt?

    Is this really the love guru you want. Doesn’t his very life tell you where that shit gets you? It’s fine for secretaries who want to be bad bitches in heels. You should want better.

  40. you all like "Fergie" says:

    @ Anonymous: you are actually a whore. If money is the only thing you look for in a mate you are missing out on everything great about the world just because you like to wear fancy shoes, which you probably only like because you want to feel like you’re better than other people because you have such low self-esteem, so low in fact that you have become a whore.

    Have fun with that.

  41. Anonymous says:

    ^^Oh sweetie, the only difference between me and other women is that I’m being honest about it. Or do you actually believe that Howard Stern, Hugh Hefner, Donald Trump, Adam Sandler and all those ugly, beaucoup deniro daddys’ women are with em cuz they love em?

    You cannot be that much of a naif, can you?

  42. Actually says:

    That’s right. Telling a guy how you feel is like standing up to a bully. Character building. got to start some time. Take your knocks!

  43. Professor Boner, PhD says:

    Platonic sleepovers either mean he’s gay or you need to lose a lot of weight.

  44. you all like "Fergie" says:

    Oh Anonymous, did you know that nobody gives a fuck about any of those people? I don’t actually know any guys who want to fuck the weird plasticized bitches that guys like Hef get down with. Maybe you really believe that the whole world works like E! entertainment or something but I shit you not when I say that there are indeed real relationships based on more than money.

    The real difference between you and other women is that you think all of them are whores like yourself whereas only like 20-25% of them actually are.

  45. Chipper Feminist says:

    ^^”Oh sweetie, the only difference between me and other women” —

    should read

    “Oh sweetie, the only difference between me and other GOLD-DIGGING WHORES”

    Please do refain in future from besmirching an entire gender by falsely equating it with your particular subset.

  46. Anonymous says:

    fuck all the poor boys you want but i’m telling you that many women (beyond just us godawful gold diggers) get off on fucking rich men. have you ever really smelled an obscenely wealthy man’s wallet upclose? stroked gold-threaded sheets while getting hammered? feasted on handmade parisian truffles post-coitum? i’m wet just thinking about it. money has as much of a stimulatory effect for many women as big fake tits and tight asses on sweet young lassies do for a lot of men.

    take a gander yander chickies (and always make him wear a condom):

  47. Rational Animal says:

    ^^^ Well, then that about does it for females as world-historic drivers toward a positive future, doesn’t it? If women are fixated on rich men, while men are merely fixated on T&A regardless of wealth, then the conclusion must be that it is attractive women’s sexual obsession with relative capacity for excessive resource consumption that has all along been the driver for War and it also then follows that, absent large-scale environment-rescuing technology, women’s biases will certainly continue to drive humanity toward entire ruination of Earth’s environmental capacity to sustain mammalian life. So that more women can get hammered on those gold-threaded sheets which they so orgasmically desire. Q.E.D.

  48. Anonymous says:

    your argument, if you consider the course that the world’s most advanced civilizations have always taken, is demonstrably valid to a certain point. but that won’t change human nature, oh rational one, not even if you pound your fists in righteous indignation.

  49. Actually says:

    Will people please stop replying to Gold Digging Whore?

    Just let her go and … do her thing.

    I don’t want to hear anymore from her.

  50. Actually says:

    Know this: If you don’t do as I requested, I will be forced to cover my eyes and sing “I caan’t hear youuuu!” while I read through the comments.

  51. Actually says:

    I will be forced to craft a persona for myself, and ten years from now — when it’s married and with children and a blog — I won’t be able to distinguish its voice from me.

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