John and I have been friends for going on four years now. When we first started hanging out we were neighbors, we would have platonic sleepovers — not a big deal, but I always had the feeling he was into me but nothing ever happened.
John and I have been friends for going on four years now. When we first started hanging out we were neighbors, we would have platonic sleepovers — not a big deal, but I always had the feeling he was into me but nothing ever happened. A few months later I find out he has a girlfriend studying abroad in France. He’s still dating her to this day, and he still barely mentions her unless I ask. (I’ve met her and the only way I can describe her is “nice”; honestly, there is nothing else.) I have never felt so close to any other man in my life and was convinced about a year ago that I was in love with him. I drunkenly tried to confess my love via text “CALL ME ASAP” but he didn’t call me until the next day when I was sober (what a terrible idea…), and I tried to avoid it but he wouldn’t drop it. So finally I fessed up to my harboring love and he simply said, “No, you’re not,” so I said, “Okay….” We have never talked about it.
A couple months later he decided to move out of the country, potentially forever. He asked me to come and when I was considering, he added, “If you want.” Well fuck, I’m not going to quit my job and run away with some dude who says, “If you want.” WTF. So, instead, I wrote him a letter (“I love you but do what you have to do) and bid him on his life journey. He called me less than two months later, back in the states after moving in with his GF (plane Jane, she’s still nice).
Now he only calls me when he’s having conflicts with her or life in general. (“P.S. Jane was really jealous of you when she was in France.”) I noticed that a lot of his issues he never thinks about how Jane will feel, whether or not she would be heartbroken or fucked up from a break up, he’s only thinking about himself and I’ve brought this to his attention, several times. He is never there when I have a problem that I need to talk about or need advice on. He makes me feel guilty for not calling him (?) or not always answering/calling back. I can’t shake him, I still care about him a lot.
Now his girlfriend is going to grad school in NYC and he decided not to move with her. He listed the pros and cons to me:
Pros: awesome city, great opportunities, great people, new experience, etc.
Cons: expensive, if Jane and him ever broke up it would be a disaster
*Note: Jane is not listed in pros; I pointed this out, he was not pleased: “Well I wouldn’t be considering it if it wasn’t for her….”
He emailed me a couple days ago and has decided not to go to NYC with Jane (boring) and asked if I was looking for a roommate (I am, I could use the break on rent, plus we’d make great roommates, we’ve always known this). I said yes, but I’m not sure if I’m still in love with him or if he’s in love with me or what the fuck is going on. I don’t know if I can handle it.
What do I do?
-AM I IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND?
What I’m hearing is that you’re not in love with him, but you want him to be in love with you. There’s nothing wrong with that (aside from it being totally selfish). It sounds like you’re the one who’s bored, you like the drama of thinking you have these mixed feelings and meddling in his relationship with Jane and how he acts towards her, which is really none of your business. This guy obviously had feelings for you but when they weren’t reciprocated, he was trying to protect himself from getting hurt. I do think that writing “Move to Europe with me… if you want” is passive aggressive but there have been worse crimes of love and vulnerability before. It’s not such a big deal. If the guy I loved said, “Move to Europe with me… if you want,” I would say, “Yes! I want!”
I think you’d know by now if you really wanted him and it seems like you don’t. I think don’t have him move in with you if you’re not 110% sure. If you said you’re in love with him and he said, “No, you’re not,” then wtf? Why does he get to dictate how you really feel, unless of course you know deep down that he is right, which I think you do.
Nothing cures boredom more than creating a little drama, which is what you’re doing, and it seems like nothing more than that. No offense. Go fall in love for real. If it’s with him for real, let him know by shouting it from a rooftop, which is what I want to do when I’m really in love with someone.
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