I have been in an exclusive relationship with a guy for about 8 months. He has a new friend, who is a girl, who he has been hanging out with about once a week, with all their other friends and smoking weed. I hate her.
Visual approximation of said triflin’ ho though this person could be a total angel – dunno
I have been in an exclusive relationship with a guy for about 8 months. He has a new friend, a girl, who he has been hanging out with about once a week, with all their other friends, smoking weed. I hate her. Mostly because he told me he thought she was hot from the beginning. I’ve gotten upset about it several times. He says if I don’t want him to hang out with her, just say so and he won’t talk to her anymore. I don’t want to have to tell him he isn’t allowed, I just wish it wasn’t an issue at all. Since he knows how much it bothers me, he should just stop. Instead he tells me every time they are going to hang out.
Every time I see her, I want to beat her up. I could kick her ass. Do you think this is a good idea? Or should I dump my boyfriend? I see these as the only two viable options… if you have any other suggestions, feel free to make them. Also, I don’t want to go out hang out with these people and smoke weed because I think they are lame, and I don’t like getting high.
-EXTREMELY ANGRY GIRLFRIEND EXPECTING RESPONSE
First off, I’d like to congratulate you on your use of appropriate letter lengthage. Note to future Ask Barf advice seekers: When your question is over 500 words, it makes it harder for me to respond. I get a lot of these and the longer your question is, the more sleepy my eyes and brain get.
Secondly, homegirl, you be talking crazy talk. If you think your only viable options are to either “kick her ass” or dump your boyfriend, I would steer you towards the latter — but of course I don’t think you have only two options. You actually have three. The third option is that you can tell him — not expect him to read your mind because he “loves you” — but tell him, in a loving voice, that you feel jealous.
Where does jealousy come from? Trust. So you don’t trust him. That’s okay, but do you know why? Has he ever cheated on you? Better question: Have you ever cheated on him? Ever wanted to? Be honest. It’s totally okay if you have. Everyone has. I do feel you on the weirdness of your boyfriend suddenly wanted to hang out with a girl he thinks is hot all the time. That would bother me too. It would make me feel very jealous, and as a result of that feeling, I would say something. I would, in fact, tell him straight up that it’s wack, yo.
You said he was willing to stop hanging out with her anyway. Of course in life we don’t want to give someone rules or tell them what they can and cannot do. Sometimes we have to though. In a perfect relationship we wouldn’t, but let’s face it: None of us are 75 years old doing body painting on a commune in Taos, New Mexico with multiple sex partners and having it filmed for HBO’s “Real Sex IV” (I realize this is my idea, and my idea only, of a perfect relationship).
It sounds as if he’s actually asking you to step up to the plate and set a boundary rather then be so passive aggressive. So step the fuck up! You think you’re so tough, threatening to kick a girl’s ass? That’s not tough at all. It’s psychotic. We are not allowed to physically hurt people, period. It’s not okay. If you really want to be tough, you ball up and tell him what’s really going on with you. Even if you think it makes you look crazy / vulnerable / weak / scared / jealous. Maybe it will. But when we love someone, we have to be willing to show them our ugliness. If you beat this girl up, you will absolutely look crazy / vulnerable / weak / scared / jealous. I mean, are you on Jersey Shore? I guess if you’re on any kind of reality show, you get a pass, otherwise no.
If I physically acted on everything I felt, I would be in jail for life. I’m not kidding. No actually, I would be dead and in jail for life. Have I ever been so sad that I felt like I wanted to drown myself in the bathtub? Yes. Have I ever been so angry that I felt like I could smash a person over the head with a baseball bat? Of course. But I don’t do those things because… fuck. Why don’t I do these things? Oh, because I’m a civilized person in this world and not a fucking animal in the jungle. This is a dude we’re talking about, not dinner (like if you were a lion in the jungle or whatever). If your boyfriend doesn’t grant your request as he said he would, then just dump him. He sounds shady anyway. And P.S., good for you for staying true to not wanting to hang out with lame people and smoking weed if you don’t want to.
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