Posted by
Lesley Arfin
• 04.14.11 12:00 pm

I have been in an exclusive relationship with a guy for about 8 months. He has a new friend, who is a girl, who he has been hanging out with about once a week, with all their other friends and smoking weed. I hate her.

Visual approximation of said triflin’ ho though this person could be a total angel – dunno

I have been in an exclusive relationship with a guy for about 8 months. He has a new friend, a girl, who he has been hanging out with about once a week, with all their other friends, smoking weed. I hate her. Mostly because he told me he thought she was hot from the beginning. I’ve gotten upset about it several times. He says if I don’t want him to hang out with her, just say so and he won’t talk to her anymore. I don’t want to have to tell him he isn’t allowed, I just wish it wasn’t an issue at all. Since he knows how much it bothers me, he should just stop. Instead he tells me every time they are going to hang out.

Every time I see her, I want to beat her up. I could kick her ass. Do you think this is a good idea? Or should I dump my boyfriend? I see these as the only two viable options… if you have any other suggestions, feel free to make them. Also, I don’t want to go out hang out with these people and smoke weed because I think they are lame, and I don’t like getting high.

Your’s Truly,


First off, I’d like to congratulate you on your use of appropriate letter lengthage. Note to future Ask Barf advice seekers: When your question is over 500 words, it makes it harder for me to respond. I get a lot of these and the longer your question is, the more sleepy my eyes and brain get.

Secondly, homegirl, you be talking crazy talk. If you think your only viable options are to either “kick her ass” or dump your boyfriend, I would steer you towards the latter — but of course I don’t think you have only two options. You actually have three. The third option is that you can tell him — not expect him to read your mind because he “loves you” — but tell him, in a loving voice, that you feel jealous.

Where does jealousy come from? Trust. So you don’t trust him. That’s okay, but do you know why? Has he ever cheated on you? Better question: Have you ever cheated on him? Ever wanted to? Be honest. It’s totally okay if you have. Everyone has. I do feel you on the weirdness of your boyfriend suddenly wanted to hang out with a girl he thinks is hot all the time. That would bother me too. It would make me feel very jealous, and as a result of that feeling, I would say something. I would, in fact, tell him straight up that it’s wack, yo.

You said he was willing to stop hanging out with her anyway. Of course in life we don’t want to give someone rules or tell them what they can and cannot do. Sometimes we have to though. In a perfect relationship we wouldn’t, but let’s face it: None of us are 75 years old doing body painting on a commune in Taos, New Mexico with multiple sex partners and having it filmed for HBO’s “Real Sex IV” (I realize this is my idea, and my idea only, of a perfect relationship).

It sounds as if he’s actually asking you to step up to the plate and set a boundary rather then be so passive aggressive. So step the fuck up! You think you’re so tough, threatening to kick a girl’s ass? That’s not tough at all. It’s psychotic. We are not allowed to physically hurt people, period. It’s not okay. If you really want to be tough, you ball up and tell him what’s really going on with you. Even if you think it makes you look crazy / vulnerable / weak / scared / jealous. Maybe it will. But when we love someone, we have to be willing to show them our ugliness. If you beat this girl up, you will absolutely look crazy / vulnerable / weak / scared / jealous. I mean, are you on Jersey Shore? I guess if you’re on any kind of reality show, you get a pass, otherwise no.

If I physically acted on everything I felt, I would be in jail for life. I’m not kidding. No actually, I would be dead and in jail for life. Have I ever been so sad that I felt like I wanted to drown myself in the bathtub? Yes. Have I ever been so angry that I felt like I could smash a person over the head with a baseball bat? Of course. But I don’t do those things because… fuck. Why don’t I do these things? Oh, because I’m a civilized person in this world and not a fucking animal in the jungle. This is a dude we’re talking about, not dinner (like if you were a lion in the jungle or whatever). If your boyfriend doesn’t grant your request as he said he would, then just dump him. He sounds shady anyway. And P.S., good for you for staying true to not wanting to hang out with lame people and smoking weed if you don’t want to.


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  1. Anjewla says:

    Lesley Arfin, I love you.

  2. dryrub says:

    solid advice barf, solid
    ps, most dudes h8 it when their broad gets jelly

  3. muthafutha says:

    it’s better for women to write their stuff down about how they’re feeling, get laid from someone else, break up with their boyfriends, then spend the rest of their evenings on facebook drinking red wine, it’s better that way…you see, we just want you for your pussies, and when we get bored of living with you we go on a poon hunt

  4. madge says:

    he sounds like a shady dude anyway. SPOT ON. dump him grrrl.

  5. onyx blackman says:

    this guy wants to break up with you so he can get with that other girl- know how i know? because he told you that if you didnt want him hanging out with her to just say so. hes hoping that you will, then hell be able to throw it back in your face next time you guys get into a fight.
    “im tired of you telling what to do and telling me who i can hang out with! i cant do this anymore”
    dude storms out of the house and straight into the others girls vagina.

  6. Brutal Truther says:

    yup, permanent marriage is most forcefully practiced by low-tech agrarian societies with no gender equality before the law and no social or economic or inter-regional mobility.

  7. 75 years old doing body painting on a commune in Taos, New Mexico with multiple sex partners and having it filmed for HBO’s “Real Sex IV” says:

    um, hello? we do have the internet in Taos! But anyway, I still wouldn’t call my relationship “perfect”. Our goat died.

  8. This nonsense needs to stop says:

    That was pretty solid advice Les. Sounds like either she has also hung out with guys she’s at least been attracted to while dating this dude and is worried about the same dynamic or he’s slowly setting up the next girl on the horizon when he breaks up with her.

  9. Salad says:

    Shit after reading the first few sentances of Barf’s monologue I just ended it because I knew it would be long, boring and probably wrong.

    What you do is let him cheat.

    This may seem counter intutive, but if you let him cheat and hire a PI or get a friend to take some photos you just gave yourself a huge leg up in the relationship.

    You know what you just bought yourself? FREEDOM.

    You stash those photos away in a file somewhere, you are free to do whatever you want. Take his car, see other guys, forget his birthday, whatever.

    Because if he ever catches you or is unhappy with you, you just whip out the photos of him cheating from a long time ago and say WHAT BITCH?
    You want me to replace your car because I wrecked it while drunk driving? You CHEATER.

    You got a get out of jail free card at anytime.

    You gotta ask yourself. What would Jeep Brah do?

  10. pompous maximus says:

    The blackman is right, he just wants to have a good reason to dump you or for you to dump him directly.
    Give him one last hard fuck and get out.
    He might actually realize that she doesn’t really want him anymore once things are officially over and he’ll come crawling back to you. Or not.

  11. jdeep6 says:

    Anger will defeat you every time. Extreme anger even more so.

  12. Name says:

    He’s a pussy, straight up. Leave him and don’t look back.

  13. raymeh says:

    fight fire with fire. find yourself a little tasty burrito to get toasted with.

  14. snookie says:

    Salad-why live like that? too much work.

  15. pony says:

    sweet christ. I thought the whole reason I read “street carnage” was that if a girl was like ‘should I beat the shit of this other girl’ the response would be ‘yes. Yes. 100 x definitely do it.”

    and ‘EAGER’, should you be reading this, just know that lesley arfin is legally retarded and you should probably just go w/ your gut on this one.

  16. getafuckinglife says:

    EAGER, you sound like a passive aggressive bitch. if i could tell your boyfriend to leave you for this hot pot smoking bitch, i would. and i dunno what some of you other jabronies are talking about. guys like knowing that their girl gets jealous. it means they care and its hot as fuck.

    my advice to EAGER, start smoking pot and you’ll out-hot this other chick. unless your dumpy.

  17. The King's Fece says:

    We are the natural and final authority on such matters, and so we do declare perforce that the proper term is: “fecally retarded.”

  18. (not published or required) says:

    people have magic psychic powers from the moon, so you know this relationship is going down the toilet no matter what.

    also, i disagree with the part about violence never being justified. sometimes the best thing someone can get is a punch in the face, it can be a beautiful part of your life (it can also stop a lot of manipulating, passive aggressive bullshit, which sounds like whats going on here. girls shouldnt really do it though)
    shit i better go make my breakfast!

  19. sharon says:

    ew, this dude sucks. dump him, but know that he’ll be fucking that chick by next weekend.

  20. destroy-rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr says:

    fo sho. you give the best advice, barf.

  21. Anonymous says:

    you know why you care? why you obsess? because you’re afraid to liberate yourself. you’re afraid of what’s inside of you.

    i’m going to liberate you.

    the next time you are completely alone, i want you to picture your boyfriend fucking her. imagine him taking her from behind, or her sucking his cock, or him licking her pussy. and not just the visual, but also imagine what she’s saying to him while he eats her, or what he grunts at her while he shoves it in her tight hole and she squeals. now, while you’re imagining all this, you have to be playing with yourself. get our your vibrator and let yourself imagine him treating her dirtier than he has ever treated you. let your mind go fucking crazy. then, cum to that visual.

    voila. you’re liberated from the ridiculous notion of female jealousy. you’re welcome.

  22. ??? says:

    He’s fucking with you. Guys only hang out with girls for one reason, to fuck them. There are rare boy/girl friendships, but they generally involve someone they grew up with and have a sisterly/brotherly relationship with. This chick is new, hot and likes to party. Dump him. You’d just be beating him to the punch.

  23. mr.meat says:

    sleepy by lengthy reply
    wish red raybans were fingernails

  24. Anonymous says:

    “He says if I don’t want him to hang out with her, just say so and he won’t talk to her anymore. I don’t want to have to tell him he isn’t allowed, I just wish it wasn’t an issue at all. Since he knows how much it bothers me, he should just stop.”


  25. new mess-i-co says:

    hollaaaa, shout out to TAOS!

    (it’s terrible there, you should never live there)

  26. no says:

    she’s prettier (prob), cooler and has fun getting blazed with his crew…. you should dump him before he cheats on your stupid self :)

  27. WhoreDervz says:

    This just made me fall even more stalkerishly in love with Lesley Arfin™.

  28. salad says:

    A little work up front is a smart investmemt in your future.
    Ask anyone on wall st.

  29. hot mama. says:

    here is what i think:

    you should hang out with the two of them and initiate a threesome.

    Once the threesome begins, you pull out “the fist” strap-on you just purchased 30 minutes prior to the threesome and put it on.

    fuck each of them up the butthole.

    Whatever happens afterward is not my problem.

  30. Beef says:

    Why isn’t this whore angry at her boyfriend? Oh, she’s a dumb broad.

  31. Anonymous says:

    do not tell this dude your jealous. just end it

  32. !!! says:

    WHAT?! This guy isn’t doing anything wrong–he’s not even hanging out with the girl alone. She is just a part of his crew and is probably not even interested in the dude. Angry girlfriend is clearly crazy. Are we really debating whether men and women can be friends? Of course they can, ugh. What is this When Harry Met Sally bullshit doing on this site?!

  33. wtf says:

    The only logical thing to do would be to have threesome.

  34. loulou says:

    luv u barf <3

  35. Hyperbole says:

    Alls I know is the last time I had a GF threaten to beat up another chick over me (an ex, and she was even considering having other people do the dirty work, disgusting), that broad got her walking papers within a month. It’s mannish behavior and the sign of an aggressive bitch who will likely stab you to death in your sleep and tell Keith Morrison from Dateline that she was an abused wife in a tearful county jail interview.

  36. Honky tonk says:

    When your answer is more than 500 words my eyes and brain also get sleepy. Night night.

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