Posted by
Blognigger
• 09.10.08 10:33 am

So here’s the deal. I’m a 32 year old father of one. Did the marriage and buy-the-apartment thing in the “next” hood (in this case Crown Heights, not Park Slope where I used to rent). About 2 years ago before this whole “grow up” phase,

Astute reader Rory Sparrow writes:

Dear Blognigger,

So here’s the deal. I’m a 32 year old father of one. Did the marriage and buy-the-apartment thing in the “next” hood (in this case Crown Heights, not Park Slope where I used to rent). About 2 years ago before this whole “grow up” phase, I had a rather candid and slightly drunk conversation with my wife. The short version? It was about sex and my needs and it went as follows:

1)I’m happy.
2)I need you to let me fuck you in the ass every 6 months.
3)I need you to let me cum in your mouth every 3.

We settled on 6 for both and I was happy. Had sex. I told a couple of friends about our agreement and some were like “I stick it in my bitches can on the reg,” and some were mildly impressed. Either way, I said, I love this women for so many reasons and the fact that she’s happy about all this, makes me sure I will marry her.

As you can guess, it hasn’t worked out. You know how many times I’ve stuck it in her can and cum in her mouth since? Ass 0. Mouth 0 (I don’t count the one time in the shower where she washed her mouth out before I was even done).

So I feel I’ve been duped. I’m asking advice. I still find my wife very attractive despite her natural new mom cuntitude. I eat her pussy like it’s a sweet, sweet watermelon. Some times I even dream of it. But every so often, I’d like to stick it in the bitch’s can, and have her swallow my mantequilla, like she used to do, back in the day, before the nonsense of life sucked our souls through marriage, family, and the like.

Listen – I’m not some freak who’s obsessed with anal. I just like to stick it in the other hole, like Kobe tried to, cause it’s different (honest, most of the time I’m there, I don’t even think it’s really worth it…okay, it is when they’re in just a little bit of pain. BTW, side note, I’m hung like a second grader, it’s basically a big clitoris.)

I write to ask for help. Fell free to call me a pussy, but I’m at a crossroads. I do love my wife very much and I’m sure there’s plenty for her to bitch about me. Maybe I should be thankful enough that this jewy, ex-dyke would let me scratch my balls in her presence, but this is about me.

Thanks,
Rory Sparrow

Mr. Sparrow,

Big fan.

It’s very courageous of you to write – you’ve got a serious issue here, and obviously some real resentment is starting to build. Did you ever stop to consider the possibility that simple, honest communication with your spouse is your best chance at resolving this complex, intimate issue?

Sike!!!

My man, what the fuck is your problem? You gots corncob between your ears? There’s other ways to hurt her – focus on those! See, it’s obvious to me that this has nothing to do with your sexual needs; And as I’ve already told you, there’s no way in god’s green earth that you will be able to resolve THAT situation without the use of WHORES.

The notion that you are supposed to be deriving sexual satisfaction from your relationship with your wife is not even outdated: It was NEVER true! It’s a RETARDED MYTH, like Corky from life-goes-on recanting Homer’s Iliad.

Listen: Don’t shit where you eat. The exclusive purpose of sex with your wife is threefold:

a) So that SHE gains sufficient sexual satisfaction such that she doesn’t run outside of your marriage and start fucking black guys.

b) So that SHE feels enough emotional closeness and intimacy such that she doesn’t stress that she’s in a dying, empty relationship and leave you, taking away your kid and your nintendo.

c) To procreate. (Use this one with EXTREME FUCKING CAUTION as if you were dickin around with the business-end of a loaded jew.)

Do you see your sexual needs on that list? Exactly. Your sexual needs (and I can tell you’ve got a healthy load, hung like a second grader or not) are to be satisfied by the following:

1) Daily usage of internet pr0ns:

Recommended Menu Selections:

a) start with a purefaces appetizer – zoom in on faces; little-known trick that whets the palette like fresh mozz, kid.

b) sublime pie salad – follow up with a few med. core teasers.

c) main course and finisher – this site has a billion free 15 min movies, not those short-ass clips. (Anyone who wants the url needs to email me at blogngr on gmails dot cizzle because I can’t just put it here – I can’t have the site flooded and taken down by n00bs – I NEED it.)

4) dessert: what are you, a chick!? There is no dessert – once you finish you’re fuckin DONE holmes. The instant the chemical comes out, slam down the laptop and clean up – if you still wanna look at pictures, you’re a girl. What, you want Brandi Belle to come out and spoon you for the world’s woes? Or maybe she can talk to you about the furniture in the living room – how to rearrange the kids’ rooms and which lightbulbs need to be changed. (See, looking to Brandi for THIS shit is just as ridiculous as looking to your wife for anal)

Note: Some of these sites link to sites that link to underage girls – NEVER click on a picture of a girl under 18. You’ll know if you do, since you’ll be IMMEDIATELY v& and assraped in prison with Rakim.

2) Judicious use of WHORING as your wallet (not your conscience, dumbass, you’re doing this to save your marriage) allows.

I’m personally very lucky, as I’ve mentioned before, that I’m a cheap date: all I need to purchase are handjobs from white chicks, and I’ve got total sexual fufillment.

Most people are not so lucky- if you’re in this camp, you’ll need to brave the world of “full service” escorts, which will cost you more in cash and in danger. Try to keep the jim covered when you enter, but don’t fear a little bareback oral – remember that in the end, aids can’t go up the little hole.

So Dr. Sparrow: If you are completely honest with yourself and realize that one woman will NEVER be able to fufill your sexual needs, you’re in for a long and happy marriage. If you insist on subscribing to this old bullshit about so-called “sexual fidelity,” then you’re in for frustration and anger.

As for hurting her, which was your original question, get over it; When you are satisfied with yourself, you will be satisfied with your partner. When you love god and ask for His strength in everything you do, you’ll find that life takes on a lightness of being, and that man’s problems fade into the background. When you love Him and take Him into your heart, you’ll find a healing that you never knew possible, yet you’ve had beside you all along; With Jesus, even as you face life’s tallest mountains and deepest valleys, you’ll know that you never truly walk alone.

Sincerely,
Blognigger.



Comments
  1. linus says:

    who woulda ever thoght that a common nigger would be far and away the best writer at vice or streetcarnage

  2. Brian says:

    Wow, is Blognigger a Jesusnigger?

  3. Brian says:

    Damn girl.

  4. lollicox says:

    yeah brian, you faggit, he’s chief nigger of whores for jesus

  5. Christopher says:

    Please learn to spell “psyche”.

  6. Craig of the list says:

    he’s using the gheeeetoooo spelling because he black: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sike

  7. well done says:

    good job, the new Onion came out today and I read Savage Love and then I read this and it’s a lot better. Keep dealing with straight sex problems, cuz I get bored of reading about old men that can only get off from watching Holocaust footage with a dry-cleaning bag over their head. Best thing I’ve read on this site in a LONG time!

  8. Street Boning says:

    Thank the Lord (Gavin) for hiring this funny ass mofo. This site was getting lame as fuck!

  9. epson says:

    i have to agree. street carnage and blog nig are a match made in heaven. Funniest post ever.

  10. Sherm Douglas says:

    This nigga Rory stay takin Ls.

  11. earsnot says:

    fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

    I can’t believe this, but I have to agree with all the asskissers.
    Blognigga may be the funniest writer in the world, so it’s not a dis to Gavin etc that Blognigga is the funniest writer on the site…

    What is a dis though — and the dirty secret — is that this site has been going steadily downhill for some time. Hey, I didn’t want to see it happen – I love this site – just telling the truth. Congrats boys – looks like you found a lifeline

  12. tommy gun says:

    BN is the best blogger period.

  13. ted buddy says:

    best internets ever, for real. congrats for finding this douche. hi cokin larious

  14. 54321dave says:

    I personally took delight in “the business-end of a loaded jew.”

  15. los analigus says:

    you make me like black people

  16. BadTeethComics says:

    Less Homeless Photos + More BLOGNIGGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. 20 piece nugs says:

    holy cockrag of satan…..
    you are my new fuckgod you fag.

    I love blognigger so much i’m a fag for him you nigger tooth wookie
    this is a better piece of writing than jesus could do with his long arab dick.

  18. baked ziti says:

    Check out his 9-11 post on his blog today. Its gonna stay with me all day.

  19. corky says:

    This made me crack up this am. I just spit out my non-fat latte and peed a little. BN for prez.

  20. tommy gun says:

    yes read the 9/11 post on BN today. man……

  21. Gary Condit says:

    Hi, I’m not a black. Why does that man write with such anger? Why does he write such unfunny responses? Is it because he learned the truth that blacks have penises like mongoloids? I spit the truth. Don’t be afraid of Larb Tofu. It can be made into a penis that might be used to cure cancer of the gay. I llove llamas. I was once at the Bronx Zoo getting high of salvia and xanax when a man named George Rockeflerr (sp.) showed me his dong in the toilet area. We didn’t talk about it but it made sense that Fannie Mae was run by a bunch of asshole white bastards selling porno tapes out of their trunks and their swimming trunks (trust me. it’s been done before). In summation, Sumatra only exists in our assholes. Please. For the children that have been aborted by Doc Hollywood.

  22. Obedient White Girl says:

    Dr. Sparrow needs to have his wife fucked by a black dude on a regular basis. She’ll be so happy, she’ll let the doctor do whatever he wants to her after that. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. ;-}

  23. Larry Bird says:

    Gary Condit – you’re not funny. You tried to seem weird. epic failure.

    Obedient White Girl – I really want to fuck you.

  24. Larry Bird + My ASS says:

    Go fudge your own vagina. This is serious stuff. Your penis only weighs a little. Eat the balls.

  25. fuckerfucker says:

    you happy denialist mufuhs keep calling him funny like every word aint the fuckin truth.

  26. milky says:

    just incase people were wondering, the site he was talking about (with the full length vids) was triple dub dot tube8 dot com

    a warning though: you will literally become addicted and visit daily, and pretty soon jackin it wont be like it usta be..

  27. Damn straight. So true that our problems are so fucking trivial in the grand scheme of life.

    Word, my blognigga


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