Astute Reader Jane Doe writes,
Dear BN, You don’t know me but I have a big favor to ask. I need you to get in touch with me as soon as human possible. My confession—–I am a “politically correct cuntlicker” Jezebel reader who just started following youre blog.
Astute Reader Jane Doe writes,
Dear BN, You don’t know me but I have a big favor to ask. I need you to get in touch with me as soon as human possible. My confession—–I am a “politically correct cuntlicker” Jezebel reader who just started following youre blog. I’m very impressed with what you write, and I have to confess that I had absolutely the wrong impression of you until I read some of youre more serious work. Your take on Sarah Palin is absolutely the most brilliant piece I’ve read on the subject including editorials in the Times and Washington Post.
Here is the big favor – please do not put this on your site or make it into an “Ask BN” column I just need help and you don’t know me butI know you have a good heart and I don’t know where else to ask thats anonimous. I am a stay at home mom in Carroll Gardens, and my husband is one of the Wall St. bankers that you bitch about in your Who Am I section. This morning our internet connection was down so I picked up my husband’s laptop to check if he had internet- On his screen was a fucking girl that looks like she is 18 and still in high school. I swear to god I almost cried – it’s bad enough he’s jerking off to porn which I already knew he was doing instead of coming to bed with me at night, but now I think he’s a pedophile and I’m besides myself.
I am seriously considering calling 911. I’m telling you this poor girl is a highschool kid and my husband is a fucking pervert. I seriously want to call the police and get his ass thrown in jail – I am 7 months pregnant with his second fucking son and I know I am trapped and I can’t really do anything about it. This seriously makes me want to die and if there is anything you can think of or any advice you have I would really love to hear itat this point. You can even call me if that is easier -SNIP-
[This was by far the most serious email I've ever gotten- When I opened it at work on Wednesday afternoon, I felt like I was being asked to talk down a suicide jumper. I called "Jane" as I was leaving work, and talked to her for about 30 mins, (*67 word) including her letting me know what site was on his laptop and my verifying that it was a completely legal site.
I'm happy to say that I talked her down, and she's doing better and on Xanax and still married. I did convince her to let me put this online, under the condition that I change a few details in her letter. The following is a funnier version of what I told her over the phone.
No Pigeons, children, or faggots were harmed in the creation of the following post.]
Jane, Listen to me very carefully: Fill up your bathtub immediately.
Now go and get a pair of very sharp kitchen shears or scissors. If you still have analog phonelines in your house, please use the scissors to cut each of your phone cords at this time.
Now collect your mobile phones, iphones, regular phones, cordless phones, and any other handheld device that could potentially be used to make a phone call. Go into the bathroom, and throw these devices into the filled-up bathtub. Now leave the bathroom.
These emergency precautionary measures are required because you are currently talking crazytalk. It is my professional opinion that having just suffered a very traumatic experience, you may in fact be temporarily insane.
Take a deep breath. First the good news: The chances are overwhelmingly certain that what you have just seen on your husband’s laptop is NOT CHILD PORN. If it was real child porn, upon viewing the image, you would have instantaneously passed out in shock and horror. I am a hardened porn addict, and even I’ve only seen REAL child porn twice – once in a magazine in Rotterdam and once at an employee’s desk in California, and both instances were so cataclysmically nauseating that they are both still burnt into my retinas and stomach lining as if I had watched my parents fuck during a solar eclipse.
It is FAR more likely that what you have just witnessed belongs to a category of adult entertainment called “TEEN porn.” Don’t let the name fool you – this category, far and away the most popular type of porn in existence, usually features girls between the ages of 18-22, and the occasional 35 year old mexican bitch in pigtails.
The purveyors of teen porn aim to make the girls look as young as possible- this is to appeal to a scumbag chemical in the brains of men which causes us to want to fuck innocent things. 99.9% of males have a normal, healthy amount of this chemical – just enough to make them want to chew off their own faces every time they see an 18-year-old in a school girl’s dress with knee-high socks; Just enough of this chemical to wish they could (but not actually attempt to) throw these 18-year-old TEENS down a well and taunt them from above with spandex, a wig, and a dirty false nose.
If a man is in the .1% minority that has far too much of this chemical, their lives are pretty much over: This .1% has the burden of being addicted to sex with children. These are the people for whom child pornography is a way of life. They are a tragic lot, and I do have pity for these individuals and their chemically-induced unavoidable plight, but since there is really no way of dealing with them, I believe they should be given a choice between castration and death.
Sorry! I’m sure this is starting to calm you down. You can understand that the image you saw makes your husband a regular guy in the afforementioned 99.9%. Really you should be celebrating! Look at it that way: He’s NOT fucking kids, and he’s not a brotha on the DL bringin home the maids and aids.
I assure you, as I said before, if he was really a pedophile and you looked at his computer while it was accidentally abandoned in this aborted inter-jackoff state, you’d still be passed out on the floor. This is why it’s important that your phonelines are cut and your mobile devices have been destroyed. Since your husband works on Wall St, it’s important to remember that even given the current fiscal crisis, you will be able to afford new phones.
On the other hand, if you had called the police, you would have entered a world of shit for which there is no fucking control-z. Undo is greyed-out as a ma fa. Cops at your house, seizing laptops, your husband in jail since they can always find something they don’t like, your son’s life ruined as the kids at school whisper and point and treat him extra nice since he has no dad, and grama takin him to go talk to daddy through the bullet-proof glass on the stickyphone.
May I also suggest, understanding that NOTHING is more insulting to an intellectual spelling champion of your intelligence that her behavior is somehow related to the ebbs and flows of a certain time of the month – and I have ZERO tolerance for male chauvinists who take this cheap and sexist approach – but may I suggest the minute possibility that being 7-months-pregnant, you may be the slightest bit susceptible to a psychotic fucking cuntload of hormones running through your brain that make women about as rational as Al Qaeda?
Your husband is jackin it to porn; It means he’s normal. There’s no reason to feel threatened by this. If for some reason you want to have sex with him because you’re actually horny (really?) just tell him you’ll start fucking black guys unless he does you hard at your specified regularity.
If you want him to stop looking at porn altogether, I beg you to reconsider. If you absolutely will not yield, then there is one way to achieve your goal. As soon as your kid goes to sleep, push your husband violently onto the couch without any goddamn arrangements, and for the love of god DON’T TALK. Unzip his pants and pull out his anteater and just start licking his balls, blowing him, and coax him to spray his unsuspecting load down your esophagus. Important: please remember not to speak during this process unless you want his throbbing paris-hilton-craver to turn back into a shriveled 1up mushroom.
After you’re done, get his laptop, and as a family activity, visit the craigslist casual encounters section. Post an ad or pick out girls looking for threesomes. Shit, you’ve got the money – get some coke (for him) and some whores like Pat O’Brein. Arrange your schedule with all the exhaustiveness of a mealplan: be sure that when you’re done, there is a different girl coming to your house 3 times a week. tip: Get girls of different ethnic varieties and ages. Get kinky with them: slap her ass while she blows him – hold his balls for her – let her eat your pussy while you suck his dick – hold hands together over his throbber and pump him off together and let him shoot it all over your faces and then french kiss each other with his seamans while he shivers and thanks jesus.
He’ll stop looking at porn.
He’ll spend his off-nights cooking for you, rearranging furniture, and talking about your parents. He’ll make Tony Danza from Who’s The Boss look like Joel Steinberg, and you’ll have the greatest relationship of all time.
If this somehow seems undesirable, or the barrier to entry is just too great, you can always just be thankful for porn. Ah porn; Porn allows your husband to live a decent and respectable life as a productive member of society while keeping his chemical fetishes abstracted to a componentized segment of his existence.
All without anyone doing jailtime, or you having to eat a hooker’s pussy.
Hope this helps Jane- I’m here for you in whatever capacity you need – white prose or black wang – keep me posted.
Take care – I’m proud of you.