This is a weird question, but I guess you’re used to that. I have a friend with serious problems, but the whole problem is I’m not sure how serious.
Astute Reader Billy K writes,
This is a weird question, but I guess you’re used to that. I have a friend with serious problems, but the whole problem is I’m not sure how serious. I know it’s gotten worse, but I don’t know how bad it will get.
If it were legal, my friend, let’s just call him “farter” – I believe he’d be exposing himself to women like a flasher, but instead here’s what he does:
He hangs out downtown near middlesize office buildings with little or no security. He stands around drinking these disgusting vitamin milkshakes. When he sees hot women go in alone, he follows them into the elevator, in his business suit of course, and pushes a floor higher than theirs in the elevator.
Then, while they are riding together in the elevator, he looks right at her and cuts a massive and disgusting fart. Very loud. I grew up with him and can vouch that his farts are unusually horrible and absolutely smell like death. We used to joke in high school that he had six months to live. He makes horrible LOUD eggfarts that smell like sulfur and chemicals.
Apparently as you would expect, the girls react in shock and horror and freak out and say stuff like WHAT the fuck, ect ect. He says that a couple of them just ignore it, probably because they’re so scared, they just stand there with their back to him looking away like normal elevator riders, but eventually cough to themselves when they start to smell it. I think these ones turn him on the most.
Until recently, I know he was proud of keeping all of this in his head and spanking to it later – although recently he purchased a flip phone and is starting to film them – this is what I mean by the situation getting increasingly worse.
My question is this – Why the fuck is he doing this? You know psychology better than anyone I’ve ever met. What’s going through his head? Also, is this even legal? He thinks it is! Also, do I, as his friend, have a moral obligation in getting him to stop?
Thanks for your consideration,
Astute reader Billy K
You’re right – that’s a weird question.
Let’s start by invoking that age-old incantation of self-help, as so many After School Specials and One-to-Grow-Ons have done before us: Billy, is this “friend” really you?
Let’s pretend it’s not, and take your email at face-value. Now, let me say this about your imaginary mr. snuffleupagus friend: He’s an evil genius on par with Lex Luther. Seriously, he’s brilliant – literally supervillain worthy; let’s call him The Feral Farter.
Like so many sexual deviants (aka “men”) The Feral Farter is a victim of brain chemistry. (I realize now that I’ve attributed so many male behaviors to brain chemistry, that by all rights it’s time for me to draw a little map of the brain and link articles to each brain juice – I just can’t be fucked to crank out photoshop right now, so please accept these text links instead: Homosexuality, Handjobs, Hotties, Holgazanes, etc.)
Now, like all Flashers, the Feral Farter clearly has an Exposadrone reabsorbtion uptake acceleration. Exposadrone is the chemical that makes men feel the need to show random women their junk. Nothing genius about that, however, the Feral Farter earns supervillain status by finding a *legal* means of exposing himself to women: the Fart ‘n Flee.
Let’s examine the similarities between these two artifacts of exposure, the fart and the cockn’balls: Both are disgusting, smelly private things that women don’t want to be exposed to; congratulations, we have a winner. The Feral Farter can expose these women to his noxious gasses, watch their horrified reaction, and the Exposodrone in his head mixes with sexual adreneline and provides the chemical rush he’s after and is now addicted to.
Is it *wrong* to do what he’s doing? You fuckin tell me, einstein; nigga’s goin around terrifying bitches in elevators, making them smell his shitstench and then jacking off to it.
Is it actually *legal*? Interesting…interesting…interesting. Well, I’m no lawnigger, but I’m sure what’s going through The Feral Farter’s head is that if the bitch ever runs to the cops, he can be like “WHAT?! I FARTED. SINCE WHEN IS THAT A CRIME?”
BUT, something niggas often fail to take into account is that cops and judge and jury are not RETARDED. If you’re doing shit like this, they WILL find something to pin on you. Harassment, menacing, tax-evasion; something. That’s what’s so cool about our Justice system: vengeance can always be squeezed in via the same guilty-of-somethin pattern that took down Al Capone and OJ.
So, while chemical addicts and supervillains often devise elaborate schemes to fool The Law, it’s almost always in vain (Unless you’re *really* white and *really* good at it like the Golden Parachute Wall St. CEOs mackin in Hawaii while the bread-starved taxpayers pay for their rimjobs from 18 year-old hookers)
Therefore, I would bet that for some reason or another, the Feral Farter’s scheme is effectively NOT legal, and you shou- I mean your friend should quitting doing it immediately without further analysis or delay. (yeah, that’ll happen.)
Listen, I ain’t retarded: No one ever listens to what people tell them to do, ever. So instead of being all judgmental and preachy and shit, let me sympathize with you and just get close to you for a minute here, ok nohomo? Lemme settle down into your dagoba-like stench pond, ya filthy bastid. Can I sit with you for a sec? Is it cool if I move these kleenex onto the nightstand? Ok listen: let me confide in you but don’t tell nobody: I can personally identify with what the rush of Exposadrone is like. I have a fair amount of it too – not enough to be a Flasher, but enough to understand the fetish. Just like I have enough gay chemical to be able to tell Brad Pitt is a hot guy, but not enough to want to suck his dick, I will tell you in secrecy that since I can no longer afford Handjobs from white chicks, I have taken to using a site that allows you to pay less than 20 bucks to have “webcam” sex, which basically amounts to having a girl rub her tits together while she watches you jack it. I understand the rush of having a girl watch you do something they shouldn’t. But at least after I make a mess, I can close the girl’s window (god and jesus in heaven what I wouldn’t do for a little X icon to close my wife’s window) and disappear to my marital bed, feeling like a disgusting scumbag shitheel deviant little pervert. No one has suffered except me. Follow my lead on that, and put a stop to The Feral Farter before “he” ends up having that hyperactive fart hole deactivated by Rakim at Rikers dot com.
Blimey, the wife. bbiab.
Mornin babe, made your coffee! What can I get you for breakfast?