Posted by
• 10.08.08 10:22 am

The Asian Switch

Dear BN,

I’d like to know how you feel about The Asian Switch?

The Asian Switch

Astute reader Noam Chomsky writes:

Dear BN,

I’d like to know how you feel about The Asian Switch?

Never heard of it?!?!?!!? Jesus christ you really are black.

Fine, I’ll tell you what it is, but don’t tell any of my aryan brothers or sisters that I am letting you in on this secret that we talk about while you’re at work. This is The Asian Switch: Let’s say you’re behind a very hot brunette on a subway platform. She’s got the long legs, the real ass, the long black hair — you’re thinkin damn, this bitch looks like a young Demi Moore or even an Angelina Jolie. Train comes, you both get on, she walks ahead of you and takes a seat — when she sits down, she turns to face you for the first time and BLAMMO — turns out she’s Asian and flipped the whole shit on you.

That one sounded even a little obvious — it’s even more fucked up when a chick is blonde — just looks all meaty and completely white from the back and then you lean forward to check out her face and DAMN — she’s slanty as a stuyvesant.

Now that you’re familiar with the terminology, I’d like to hear:

1. Is this a phenomenon you have noticed
2. How do you feel when it happens to YOU.

Noam Chomsky
Defender of Freedom
US out of US

Dr. Chomsky,

That’s the second-most brilliant thing I’ve heard this week. (Watch out – the proprietor of the first-most brilliant idea has already become a famous queer.)

As a matter of fact, your so-called Asian Switch happend to me just yesterday, coming up stairs from the F-train at West 4th. I was walking up the stairs, and my face was planted 5 inches from this chick’s perfect ass in business-suit pants, her panty line just barely showing through her thin woolcashmere. We took each step together in synchronization, her ass and my face locked in a glorious erotic motion, discreetly populating my masturbation cache with rounds of precious, elusive ammunition.

I should digress for one minute to point out something I’ve always regretted not including in my hot chicks on the subway post. If the subways themselves are like a gigantic porno, the station stairs are its closest thing to a venue for actual sex. Coming up the stairs during rush hour really is very close to getting an amateur lap dance from one of those shitty non-contact places they tolerate in San Francisco. A girl’s ass is right in your face, each step is making her ass cheeks work, and best of all it’s totally legit for you to be watching as long as you pretend you don’t care.

And some girls know it! It’s awesome to watch girls with skirts try to hold their skirts down, or even cover their shit up with a bag or something, but it’s all in vain! Their struggle makes it hotter! Your face is allowed to be right up in their working, sweating ass – their every step waving toward your eyes and penis – and if they ever fronted and were like, “WHY ARE YOU STARING AT MY ASS AND SAVING IT TO USE LATER AFTER YOUR WIFE GOES TO SLEEP??” you could just be like “ARE YOU CRAZY? I’M LATE – CAN I GET UP THE FUCKING STAIRS PLEASE?” – all indignant and shit? The onlookers would all be like shit, what’s wrong with her?

Ok, back: so I was going up the West 4th street stairs getting a lapdance from this bitch. When we got to the top of the stairs, I saw her beautiful little blouse, the back of her neck, her little lightbrown ponytail – DAMN she looked just like Lori Golden from my summercamp – all jewish and girl-next-doory? UH.

I sped up a bit to complete my internal rendered model by analyzing her face – that little suburban 914 soccer and field hockey-playing bat mitzvah-attending WTF?! Korean girl?? For real!!?

Switched my shit up, son! Just like this racist faggot says. You got me – the Asian Switch is real.

Now, as to how I feel when it happens: When I am the victim (!) of an Asian Switch, I feel disappointed; let down. Remember, this is about honesty. There’s no denying that I feel disappointed – so let’s try to figure out why:

The most logical explanation would be that I wasn’t attracted to Asian women, buuuut I can’t really let myself out that easy. A disproportionate amount of Asian women are theoretically gorgeous – although it is true that I almost never lust after them psychotically.

This concept of theoretical beauty – hot-on-paper – I think this proves that it’s NOT purely aesthetics that attracts me to a girl; makes sense, otherwise I would be wanking it to playboy and penthouse and professional porn instead of

I guess that above-all, I’m attracted to an everyday, girl-next-doory quality. Any freudian psychologists out there – is this because I was reaching my sexual peak in sleepaway camp and on family holidays? Am I trying to get back to those girls? If you know, Lemme know. note: If you feel it’s actually because I’m trying to fuck my mother in the ass, then please don’t respond at all.

I HAVE met some asian girls with that girl-next-door quality – just very few. Those Asian girls I have been smitten with were ALL American chicks who looked like Winnie Cooper.

The Asian switch

I have NEVER met a native asian woman (That’s PC-talk for “slanty” – I’m not talking about Indians) that I am attracted to – and those are obviously some of the most theoretically gorgeous women in the world! Those flower dancer girls at the beginning of Indiana Jones Temple of Doom? Gorgeous, right!? Nah, I still don’t wanna fuck em… weird.

So I guess that’s the explanation, Blognigger: you want to fuck white girls more than asian girls so you get disappointed when you think a girl’s white but she turns out to be asian; Was that so hard, ya jerkoff?

Well, I think it goes one level deeper though: Since we’re actually not going to fuck any of the girls we see on the subway in real life, I think that a lot of the sport has to do with the baseball card phenomenon: We are collecting girl sightings. Most are just random players, you got doubles of some, but when a rare comes along – damn that bitch was a Thermon Munson rookie, kid. It’s a rush!

So from a collector’s perspective, a tall dope Angelina Jolie lookin’ girl is a RARE! But a tall dope asian girl is a dime a dozen. This bitch I got quadruples of:

Cute Asian girl

Who gives a fuck?

Nowwww I think we’re getting to the bottom of it; So that’s why I feel let down when I get hit with the Asian Switch. It really has to do with the rarity of the sighting being switched up at the last minute; I thought I had the Mattingly ’84 Donruss, but it was just a Mike Pagliarulo from nintety fuckin two. Nigga from the back they both looked the same!

  1. srsly says:

    mmmm, they all look Angelina Jolie from the back, Thank god!

  2. skaht says:

    I have almost never fallen victim to the Asian Switch. Generally, the hair is the giveaway, whether it’s black or dyed, but, somehow, I just always know, even when everything else points toward maybe being a hot white chick. I could be a chapter in that Malcolm Gladwell book, the one about a little intuition and a lot of bullshit. Or, maybe it’s just pessimism.

  3. rick says:

    I get mad when it’s the other way around. I hate white girls

  4. obedient_white_girl says:

    I have to admit, I’m much more turned on by a hot non-white girl than by a hot white girl. White girls take too much for granted. That’s a big turn off for me. I really like hot asian girls with attitude.

  5. Ribs says:

    Here in Vancouver it might as well be called the Caucasian Switch (there’s got to be a more clever term here. Someone do that up.) It’s almost always an Asian chick, but if it’s not, you’re surprised.

  6. Felukwekwe Alumbwebwe says:

    Obedient white girl, be obedient for once and shut the fuck up about your lesbian preferences. We don’t care.

  7. Cap'N Glitterfuzz says:

    The “Asian Switch” is offensive when accompanied by a face full of foundation covered stumble and a hearty egg roll creepin’ beneath the spandex. A more disheartening surprise is the “flash fried flash”; where you discover that the bombshell you’ve been scoping is sporting the skin of burn victim.

  8. T. McGurk says:

    In essence, what “obedient white girl” just said is that she’s turned off by herself.

  9. k-dawg in e-minor says:

    check out this asian chick with thick strong legs and ass it’s free

  10. mordicai says:

    WHAT. This is all madness. Hot girl = hot girl. I’m not trying to be all PC about this either. Being Asian ain’t a strike against! I don’t get it. Though I’ll go right ahead & admit that you’ll get Chinese Butterface sometimes, sure– get some braces, other countries!– but I don’t have any visceral reaction to this “surprise.”

  11. k-dawg in e-minor says:

    i don’t care about asian chicks

  12. willie cunting upshaw says:

    dis guy is HIRARIOUS. is he really black? budda BOOM

  13. awww man says:

    the link to the dude selling his gay virginity, did you look at it? he took the auction down because a blognigger reader offered him a job!! Hey blognigger, I need a job, can I go on your blog and say I’ll suck a dick until somebody offers me a job? that guy’s follow-though sucks.

  14. obedient_white_girl says:

    @ T. McGurk, that’s an interesting supposition…if I saw myself standing on a subway platform, would I be turned off? Hmmm…A bit of a metaphysical quandry, isn’t it? And is the corollary true for you T? Are you turned on by yourself? That would certainly get you through all that pesky relationship stuff that so many people fall short on and guarantee you’d get laid. A win/win for you!

    @ Felukwekwe Alumbwebwe, I’m sorry that you’re still hurting from your girl having left you for that woman, but could you dry your tears and please point out the rule where it says no lesbian preference comments are allowed? I seemed to have missed that rule posting. Thanks.

  15. T. McGurk says:

    I think you mean “quandary,” you stupid ugly mudshark dyke.

  16. ew says:

    this shit happens to the ladies all the time, but i call it Hot- Or -Asian. ( cause i like to make disappointments into a game!) u c a guy down the block, n at first he’s A: skinny, B: pale/ dark hair n C: draped in american apparel, so u starting yay! generic-alt-hotness. But then he gets closer n u find out that fuckers like five foot six and slantier than trig palin n then my x- chromosome parts freeze up like its the day after tomorrow.

  17. obedient_white_girl says:

    Quandary, right. Hey thanks T.

  18. Lucy Loo says:

    I just can’t get over Winnie Cooper in that hat. That is fucking win.

  19. streetcarnage named dezenuts says:

    @awww man

    blognigger is getting so much national attention that you could not ever get a job licking his black nuts.

    prepare for him to start sucking and everyone going “man i’m only into his “old” stuff” and shit

  20. streetcarnage named dezenuts says:

    @awww man

    blognigger is getting so much national attention that you could not ever get a job licking his black nuts.

    prepare for him to start sucking and everyone going “man i’m only into his “old” stuff” and shit

  21. blown sneeze says:

    i honestly don’t understand this shit. a hot woman is a hot woman. who cares about the slant of her eyes or the hue of her skin?

  22. Captain Sack says:

    hey blown sneeze, who are you, my grandmother?

    Siddown, rosa parks

  23. Taeil says:

    BlogNigga, please. I know you black mother fuckers love Asian bitches by the fucking POUND. That is no lie.

  24. 4skinz says:

    @ ribs > ‘the white bitch switch’

  25. i usually hate female comedians, but jesus christ ‘ew’ that was the comment of the thread.

    mazel tov now lick my asian licepecker

  26. douche baguette says:

    dude that bear girl is so fucking hot thanx

  27. Cap'N Glitterfuzz says:

    I couldn’t help but notice the spelling correction made during the lesbian versus fat kid squabble above. For a moment I felt an irrational sense of superiority, as if I were lurking a Blink 182 chatroom on AOL. Thank you.

  28. lol says:

    this isnt funny

  29. Whoopi Goldberg says:


    Another fine slice of ebony honeycomb dripping with the syrupy elixir of African insight. Whoever this “Blognigger” is, I’d like to meet you. I will take this opportunity to issue a welcome for your luscious chocolate ass to join me on my television program, The View. As the sole representative of color, you would be a delightful addition. Call me.



  30. lol says:

    one more thing: i love to suck cock

  31. Li says:

    Here in Taiwan, we simply call it the “Ugly Switch”.

  32. patrickteque says:

    oh my fucking gard that was funny!!!!!

  33. mkf says:

    reminds me of a similar west hollywood phenomenon with which i am infinitely famiiiar, known informally as the “black discount” [and yeah, i’m a gay white male].

    if i’ve heard it once, i’ve heard it a thousand times: “god, he’s gorgeous–great face, great body AND a big dick!”

    everybody sits forward to hear more.

    “but, of course, he’s black.”

    at which point everybody relaxes back into their chairs and marks him down 50% [of course, if he’s oreo-black as opposed to ghetto-black he might only get a 25% markdown, but even so, he’ll go for far less in the sexual marketplace than an equally-pretty white guy with a mediocre body and an average-white dick].

    see, black guys don’t get anywhere near the same points for great bodies or big dicks as white guys, because the fact that they should just innately have that shit has already been factored into their equation–their god-given jungle heritage, right?

    and why should such a ridiculous inequity exist, you ask?

    simple: for the same reason that the asian switch works so effectively on you, blognigger: we’ve been incessantly conditioned from birth by madison avenue to believe that white and/or middle-americanized is better, and some of us are more susceptible to that message than others.

    anybody can come up with a better explanation, please share it with me.

  34. partylyzer says:

    I think I’m more prone to the F.O.B vs. native switch…
    I look at an asian girl and the minute she starts talking to me I’m always amazed at how un-asian and clean her accent and english is. Asian girls are easy to spot from behind…they usually have a flatter ass and slimmer build.

  35. universe 373 says:

    gets better all the time,actulay ive discussed this asian switch thing years ago,not the switch aspect but the next generation of asian girls from the l.e.s .(lower east side)that grew up near hispanic women,few things-wheat based diet vrs rice,mcdonalds,and the psychic dna princapal of our bodies adjusting,asian girls had to compete with hispanic asses and there asses grew,period

  36. confusion says:

    I actually really enjoy the asian switch. I like white girls sure, but the asian switch is like pulling your last buck out of your wallet and oh! wow! it’s a fucking $20..

  37. me says:

    I think the main problem is that you make a formulation in your head about what she looks like and then she isn’t the way you thought… so then regardless its disappointing.

    Another level to the phenomina is the whole butterface thing. The body is just amazing, great hair and then when you see the face, you almost get embarassed that you thought about hitting it… and then on second thought, you decide you still would hit it, you just can’t brag about it to your friends anymore.

    Oh yeah, and I think Winnie Cooper is the reason that I have only dated brunettes. I had such a crush on her as a kid that I think she was embedded in my psyche…

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