In his famous poem “The Waste Land,” T. S. Eliot is famous for saying “April is the cruelest month.” In his lesser-known poem “The Waste Product,” he also said that “August is the shittiest month.”
In keeping with the spirit of that entirely fabricated fact, we generously invite you into our bathroom to take a gander at the Top O’ the Poops for the month of August.
1. Researchers in Ireland (yes, such people exist) released a study suggesting that rosacea may not be caused by drinking too much alcohol but by feces released by facial mites after they die inside your pores. Who wants to get lunch?
2. Famous (not really—the press mostly ignored it) two years ago for “Beat Whitey Night,” the Iowa State Fair returned to an older, grander, and nobler tradition with its Cow Chip Throwing Contest, in which eager sportsmen compete to see who can throw an ossified chunk of chow shit the farthest.
3. Allegedly outraged because his mother—the woman who nestled him inside her gummy womb for nine months before presenting him to the world as her own special present—refused him a shot of vodka, William Jenkins of—where else?—Florida reportedly knocked the fine lady to the floor and rubbed dog shit all over her face.
4. In eternally shitty Orange County, CA, a gang of mischievous youths kept alive the age-old tradition of knocking on someone’s door and running after lighting a bag of shit ablaze on the hapless victim’s doorstep.
5. “I was losing my marbles,” criminal defendant Stephen Duke told a judge in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario in his trial for leaving threatening notes on an enemy’s truck and smearing it with ca-ca doo-doo. He blamed his actions on forgetting to take his psychiatric meds, which makes him a three-time loser: One who’s on psychiatric “meds” in the first place, one who forgets to take them, and then one who blames his conscious decisions on forgetting to take them.
6. A “feces-stained man” was arrested at a Colorado yoga festival for allegedly spying on female yogettes from inside the feces-and-urine-drenched tank of a Port-A-Potty.
7. The above photo depicts what is possibly the largest poop ever recorded, slipping out the slimy anus of a blue whale off the California coast. Scientists have alleged that whale feces is a boon to the environment and may help counteract all the carbon emissions from Al Gore’s private jet.
8. A man in Korea, where everyone is crazy, has been arrested for tossing turds at the Japanese Embassy, undoubtedly because Japan has produced a far more intelligent and dominant civilization than Korea has.
9. An Arkansas daycare worker faces child-abuse charges after being caught on camera barking at a three-year-old to reach into a toilet and remove a dookie nugget with their innocent and bare three-year-old hands.
10. A Canadian woman is now permanently blinded after excessive exposure to pigeon droppings and now is forced to sing on the streets—not the best place to avoid additional pigeons—for money. Here is a picture of her singing on the streets, which proves that one of the advantages of being blind is that you can never see what you’re wearing: