Posted by
HJ Fountain
• 07.31.15 10:40 am

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Wealthy sociopaths need a way to vent frustration and overcompensate for less-than-desirable genitalia. Buying a Porsche used to do the trick. Not any longer. Now, killing majestic, endangered, bad ass looking prey is a fine way to make up for your “shortcomings.”

Poor Cecil, he was a magnificent beast: A mane to die for and all the lionesses he could ever want, but, some dickish dentist spent $50 grand to murk him—the details of which are so cowardly and one-sided, I won’t even mention them.

The past two nights, I’ve watched Sean Hannity go off on some weird tangent where he tries to tie the cases of Planned Parenthood sickos  and the murder of Kate Steinle to Cecil the lion—his point is that of media coverage and outrage. Yeah, it’s sad that network news seemingly cares more about a dead animal than a (preventable) dead woman and the harvesting of partially-birthed babies’ internal organs, but I think it’s o.k. to be sorta pissed off about Cecil.

I keep hearing about what a bunch of hypocrites we are to bitch about Cecil, while we eat chicken fingers and hamburgers. Really? According to the USDA’s data, as of 2008, we eat about 9 billion chickens per year. I imagine the beef total to be less, but still significant. My point is, there are a lot of chickens and cows and there are not that many lions—especially in the wild. Anyways, no one eats lions.

(Other than Zimbabwe’s President Mugabe—who loves lion meat.)

This is why we don’t kill: bald eagles, giraffes, manatees, rhinos, elephants etc… Other than smug, self-satisfaction and brandy-night bragging, why would any normal person want to snuff out a beautiful creature? Kill deer; they’re everywhere and a danger to every driver in America.

Killing a lion is not a reason for social media to demand your head, but it is a reason to ask, “Why?” I think this dentist thought he was doing something legal, morally grey, but indeed, legal.

You really wanna hunt a lion? Hide in the savanna, armed with a knife, and fight that fucker one-on-one with the blade. I’ll laugh as the hyenas pick apart the meat left on your bones. Maybe your dick is too tiny for such a task… If so, I would suggest you stay home and perform root canals.

-H.J. FOUNTAIN


Comments
  1. TJ says:

    Point of fact: not all African game is ‘endangered’, even though that narrative has been strongly implied.
    While I think trophy hunting in general is disgusting (and trophy hunting endangered species with some flimsy “… selective culling” pretext is even worse), a lot of African game we consider ‘exotic’ is not only plentiful, but delicious.

    Most people don’t comprehend just how large Africa is.
    http://infobeautiful2.s3.amazonaws.com/true_size_of_africa.png

    So yes, the elephant ivory thing and the rhino horn thing and now Cecil the lion, all pretty gross, but Giraffes are quite interesting. They are actually plentiful and delicious. Disregarding poachers, Cecil and trophy hunters, is a hunter who pursues exotic game a ‘bad guy’ because we have a romanticized image of exotic animals that AREN’T “endangered”?

  2. Mobootoo says:

    He’s a pussy in veneers who told his secretary “I’m off now Vera” and went to Africa to pay a bunch of corrupt fuckyards 50Gs to tee up an animal with a tracking collar on it. He had them field dress it while he stood by and imagined all the blowjobs his wife would now bestow upon him, only to have the general public, many of whom believe The Lion King was a documentary, turn him into a circus animal. Way. To. Go.

  3. STINKY says:

    “Anyways, no one eats lions.” I live in the Tampa Bay area, and in 2013 there was a minor kerfuffle in the news cycle caused by this place in Tampa called Taco Fusion, where for a short period of time, you could pay through the nose to eat tacos that had shit like, bear meat, gazelle meat, zebra meat, snake meat, and lion meat in them, over the last of which people literally could not even, to the point where they were marched upon and demonstrated in front of. It went out of business shortly thereafter. I never went, but I wanted to, although the lion taco cost like, $35 a piece. There is a photo of a lion taco on its defunct Yelp page and it looks fucking disgusting. But I would have eaten one.

  4. Coach says:

    Hunting is the best form of conservation. Everyone knows it. For fifty grand a pop, africans are sure as hell gonna make sure there are plenty of lions to be hunted. Basic economics and all…

  5. Dino says:

    I am no hunter but who am I to say ‘why’?

    why do people like to drive fast cars?

    Why do people like to drink copious amounts of alcohol?

    as many as 600 lions are killed a year(which governments racking in piles of money because of it) but few cared but because this one had a name people are outraged. They don’t really care about the legalities of it(or understand the legalities). If I were to guess this kind of thing is common(shooting a lion in an area with no quota and then fudging the paperwork…the Government wants to get paid

    and while we can not like the hunters hobby the fact he is vilified like this just shows the power the media has over is in being able to make this purely about emotion.

    and hunting a lion with a bow and arrow is probably gets the adrenaline pumping more than using a rifle.

  6. TWalsh2 says:

    The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber set in 2015.

  7. raymi says:

    if u wanna get extra mad watch the recent video of the dog that was left for 4 hours in the car at ikea by its owners shopping before flying to spain. after 3 hours of surgery the dog died. it’s so brutal.

  8. Voice of Reason says:

    Ted Nugent thinks this hunt was okay. Really, who can ever argue with Ted Nugent’s logic? He’s the closest thing I will ever see to Jesus in my lifetime.

  9. John Thomas says:

    Hey, “humanists,” how many humans do you suppose were raped or murdered in Zimbabwe today? Where’s the outrage?

  10. Tim Lewis says:

    How come nobody bitches when a African kills a lion ?

  11. 6079 Smith, W. says:

    ALWAYS with the small dick innuendo from these anti-hunting dipshits.
    What are you, a woman?

  12. Alec Leamas says:

    Trophy fees make sure that the government (as corrupt as it may be) protects not only the prime male trophy lions but the habitat on which they and their prey reside, and with that all the shitty little lions no one wants to shoot yet. Take away the trophy fees and lions become the giant rape-happy murder cats that eat Mabingo’s goats and cattle, so he ices the whole fucking pride by lacing a dead cow with rat poison, causing all the lions to die painfully of internal bleeding. Problem solved. Lions numbers are in decline because habitat is being gobbled up to provide subsistence farming and ranching to feed the exploding populations, not because of trophy hunting. That said, if we’re anthropomorphizing Cecil, here are some other of his hobbies besides being cuddly and majestic: killing toddlers, raping bitches, having lots of bitches and lots of kids he don’t give a fuck about, making bitches get food and bring it to him, napping 20+ hours a day, gang activity and general brawling/murder. He’s basically a Republican Crip. I don’t care which of the pampered sneering Hollywood idiots decide that all lions should die because they can’t understand (or don’t care to understand) how you preserve them in practical terms, or which ones feel anxious about their manhood and so impugn that of better men than they. I happen to have had a dangerous game rifle for some time now, and hope it some day sees the sun of Africa.

  13. ChiTownPlayaHata says:

    Mentioning that very few people give a shit that WE HARVEST BABY HUMANS in America, while everyone gets weepy eyed about an animal is a great point.

  14. Emerson Biggins says:

    “You really wanna hunt a lion? Hide in the savanna, armed with a knife, and fight that fucker one-on-one with the blade.”
    He stalked it w/ a bow and was on foot. The lion was old but not defenseless. That’s pretty ballsy if you ask me.
    It doesn’t matter though, the guy could’ve killed it w/ his bare hands and some faggot would still complain.

  15. Gavin says:

    Oy vey, can we drop the whole “Compensating for a small dick” theory? It’s some dumb college myth that we all repeat with no verification. Do biker gangs all have small dicks? The Bloods and the Crips have lots of guns. Are they small-docked?

  16. Alec Leamas says:

    “He stalked it w/ a bow and was on foot. The lion was old but not defenseless. That’s pretty ballsy if you ask me.”
    ________________________________

    That’s the thing – hunting dangerous game is, get this, dangerous. The lion can win. So the criticism is basically a bunch of people who don’t know what the hunt entails parroting a worn trope about “manliness.” Notice they don’t levy the same criticism if a black African kills a lion.

  17. the_mexican_guy says:

    I hear the natives are rewarding him a gold medal and three wives. If that’s the case I’m saving up for a rifle and go bag a few of them bastards.

  18. TJ says:

    “For fifty grand a pop, africans are sure as hell gonna make sure there are plenty of lions to be hunted. Basic economics and all…”
    ___________________________________–

    LOL. I think you over-estimate Africans. There are countries in Africa where the average IQ is 60. Conservation is most definitely a higher-order concept that idiots are not going to comprehend. If you’re some 75 IQ African who wants a new cel phone and you know some wong will pay you $1K for an elephant tusk, you’re going to go shoot the elephant and not give half a fuck about ensuring its a sustainable hunt.

    Honestly, the best hope African animals have isn’t in laws or organizations or activism. Its AIDS.

  19. Tough guy says:

    I break into prisons and rape big black dudes to compensate for my little fella. Some guys like to kill lions. It just comes down to how small it really is.

  20. Emerson Biggins Momz says:

    Emerson! You dickless,chickenshit,red-ass yard ape! Your argument is shit! You said it right there. He DIDN’T use his bare fucking hands. He’s a gigantic crotch pheasant like urself who hid like a “faggot” and popped old boy with a bow and arrow. With BACKUP, mind you. Both on his person and the jerk offs who took him on this geigh adventure. Whereas using his bare hands would have meant his ass. Cause what? He’s a pussy. Similar to ur momz smoking hot wombsnatch that I’ve been digging in for the past few hours. Prime rib, s0n. PRIME rib.

  21. OogaBooga says:

    Gavin, you are correct, but I still maintain that the most hysterical, illogical feminists behave that way because of their giant, gaping, uberloose vaginas.


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