Posted by
Goat Sampson
• 12.30.11 09:00 am

Is it possible to break your eardrum after doing too much coke and then taking a few Xanax afterward?

I was on my roommate’s Tumblr after he foolishly left his laptop unattended to walk his girlfriend’s dainty little rat dog. Naturally I informed his followers of his affinity for wearing women’s lingerie and his rousing recommendation of the Shake Weight. After tiring of said antics, I started creeping on the girls he followed. What I noticed was all but two of them had the same three words somewhere in their bio, “I have tattoos…”

What the fuck does that even mean? What is that supposed to be saying? Obviously she has tattoos, but what’s behind her mentioning it? Does it mean she’s really cool? That she’s fun and adventurous with an unmistakable wild streak? That she gives it up on the first date?

What she doesn’t realize is most girls from our generation have tattoos now. Saying she has tattoos is like saying she has a smart phone, an iPod, or a DVR. It’s not saying anything. There’s nothing to read into it now that tats have become widespread and acceptable in the mainstream for decades now. Shit, a couple months ago, Mattel released the tattooed Barbie,.

I give her 7½ pussycats.
It’s become the opposite of what it used to represent. No longer is it a way of sticking out as an individual or differentiating yourself from the rest of society. It’s actually becoming a way of joining in. Kids these days can’t wait to get a tattoo. It’s like a rite of passage. It’s like finally having sex or telling your father to suck a dick. They bitch at their parents that everyone else has one. By the time they’re 20 they have a full sleeve.
What’s also funny is when someone discloses they have none and the person with tats—instantly surprised—always asks, “Why not?” It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Kramer gets harassed for not wearing the ribbon during the AIDS awareness walk.

I imagine the same thought process going off in the tatted person’s head regarding someone not wanting a tattoo.
I have nothing against tattoos. I have one (tramp stamp, what’s up ladies?) and I don’t want another one. When I tell people I don’t want another one they always think it’s because of the pain. It isn’t—I’ve always viewed pain as a challenge . At my old place if you stood on the metal step cover and touched the light switch you’d get jolts of electricity and I used to be the only person who could bear to keep their hand on it as long as I wanted without giving in. It’s not the pain. It’s just become so oversaturated and cliché that it’s lost its luster. Now it’s like wearing a nice watch. I feel my watch symbolizes the never-ending struggle of good and evil, y’all. I’ve even made a little cash off of tattoos. I’m an illustrator, and as anyone good at drawing knows, the first thing some asshole asks you when they find out you’re good is if you can design a tattoo for them.

So I say to all you young, pure, untainted youths: Be a rebel. Buck the system, stick it to the man, and DON’T get a tattoo. Show you’re not another number, a cog in the machine. Be unique. You are not Tinkerbell dropping acid on top of a mushroom. You are not Winnie the Pooh hitting a bong. You are not a fucking butterfly. For all us other poor saps who are already desecrated there is no chance. But there is still hope…for you. 


  1. fuckface says:

    “It’s become the opposite of what it used to represent. No longer is it a way of sticking out as an individual or differentiating yourself from the rest of society. It’s actually becoming a way of joining in.”

    “So I say to all you young, pure, untainted youths: Be a rebel. Buck the system, stick it to the man, and DON’T get a tattoo. Show you’re not another number, a cog in the machine. Be unique.”

    This article is nothing new, saw something just like this on one day when I felt like getting really, really angry at terrible women. And these days, with so many bitches clutching pearls on there, if you’re two steps behind fucking, you’re in trouble, bucko.

    Look, if things that you do are all in the name of FUCKING UP THE SYSTEM, or trying to STAND OUT CONSCIOUSLY, or MAKING AN EFFORT TO BE DIFFERENT, or to NOT BE A COG IN THE MACHINE…Then you’re trying too fucking hard, missing the point, and were probably always meant to be a cog, anyway. Follow that natural gut instinct, stop yourself right at the start from believing that the SYSTEM can be fought against using your clothes and tattoos, and be that cog you were born to be. Those things don’t matter about a person, all in all. Let’s face it, if you were really unique, you wouldn’t really base much of your uniqueness or that of others on something as material as clothes, a tattoo, a haircut. Shitty taste can be an indicator of shitty people, but this argument about tattoos is just the equivalent of a little kid whining about how everyone is into his favorite hardcore band now.

    Besides, if they’re not sliced off by drug dealers, they’ll all rot under the ground or burn in an oven with us at the end of it, so who gives a fuck either way?

  2. Rebel Bro says:


  3. Tool says:

    Is this a new idea? Didn’t Ozzy Osbourne say something like this about 5 years ago?

    Come on, get original naw!

  4. ..... says:

    definitely agree with fuckface with the whole not trying to hard and following your gut instinct mentality. people who put too much stock in their clothes/appearance(who aren’t fashion designers) are usually pretty shitty.

    with that being said, I got a couple tattoos that I like, and I really believe that as long as someone isn’t obnoxious about their tattoos, it’s all good. Again like fuckface said above, if you’re above the age of 19 and still trying to make political statements through clothing, you should just stop and run for office or some shit.

    When it comes to clothing/tattoos, one should just have fun, but not force anything/follow trends. cliched as it is, be yourself, on some real as shit.

  5. lets not be too hard on the bitch… i get what she’s saying. She fucked up when she made it about stickin it to the “man” et al. but yeah, i all clean, got a voucher to get a tatt on xmas, so it was like ‘this is it’… but the abundance of cunts with tatts these days is a major deterrent.

  6. Big Human says:

    So everyone thinks the author is serious about sticking it to the man, “bucking the system” or being a rebel? Or am I the only one that got the playful nature of that..? Just read the last sentence… come on…

  7. Anonymous says:

    There’s a much better and simpler explanation for not getting a tattoo. Tattoos are boner killers! Untattooed bodies are much more attractive.

  8. man says:

    you are a person of lesser worth because of your living situation and what you do to the others living with you – in other words, a rebel
    you should have written the article about the drug dealers who slice tattooed skin off of people. maybe do an undercover investigative piece? then your roommate would have something to be proud of you for.

  9. Walt says:

    Just arrived home from a Christmas visit to my big, brown homeland and yes, every fucker has ink. No biggie for me, I cant commit to getting something permanently jabbed into my skin because I will think it sucks in about a week. The problem I have with tattoos is that people have to dress in a certain way in order to show them off. Flabby babes with cut off tees showing off the stamp and their gut, muscle heroes who cant wear anything but sleeveless shirts lest everyone doesnt realise how awesome their tattoos are and dumb slags who have to wear strappy sandals everywhere to show off their foot ink. These people must hate winter…

  10. farts says:

    please don’t say tats or tatted

  11. JM says:

    i don’t have a smartphone, an ipod, a dvr, or any fucking tattoos. BAM!

  12. Anonymous says:

    I agree with Anonymous.

    Tattoos are boner killers.

  13. Tatpoos says:

    Everybody knows tattoos are a way for people to buy a personality. It takes no effort, and anybody with cash can do it. Bikers used to say they got tattoos so people would stay away from them because they hated most people. Now asking someone about their tattoo is a way for “norms” to bump tribals.

  14. Jimm says:

    Where’s he from, the check republic? Aha, aha, ahahahahaha

  15. Anonymous says:

    you know the old saying…. “the only people that care if you have a tattoo or not are those that don’t”.

  16. Anonymous says:

    fuckface your the biggest cog going faggot

  17. Janoson says:

    I think everyone should have aids!

  18. Fred says:

    Tats at 20 are cool.
    Tats at 40 are lame.
    Tats at 60 are sad.

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