I must have been sleeping when was it decided that the biggest male fashionplate in history was Rutherford B. Hayes.
Unless you’re missing half a chin or have severe and nearly fatal acne scarring, no one’s face looks better with a beard. This is a scientific fact.
But about five or six years ago, beards began sprouting on the faces of America’s white alterna-clones like so much cancer made of hair. Like the sudden inexplicable pedo fetish for shaved vaginas, this beard trend is nothing more and nothing less than herd conformity. Ironically, the beard upsurge coincides with an ongoing global downswing in sperm and testosterone levels. Therefore, I know why hipster men have beards. It’s where they hide their vaginas.
Obviously, a lot of my beard-hatred is rooted in a deep and abiding anti-Semitism, but you’d be hard-pressed to find one Hebrew patriarch that you could honestly call “foxy.” Not that beards look any better on black guys. A girl I know says it looks like they have taco meat all over their faces. And Asians, well, they find it hard to grow beards.
Beards represent an aesthetic crime that bespeaks indolence, sloth, and filth.
Take, for example, country singer Waylon Jennings. In the mid-1960s, he had not a hair on his chin:
Slick. Clean. Presentable.
But only a few years later, it looked like he dipped his face in shit and never wiped it off:
Seriously, guys: Enough with the beards. If men started shaving off their beards and women stopped shaving their twats, this world would be halfway back toward sanity.