Posted by
Jim Goad
• 07.12.13 08:30 am


I must have been sleeping when was it decided that the biggest male fashionplate in history was Rutherford B. Hayes.

Unless you’re missing half a chin or have severe and nearly fatal acne scarring, no one’s face looks better with a beard. This is a scientific fact.

But about five or six years ago, beards began sprouting on the faces of America’s white alterna-clones like so much cancer made of hair. Like the sudden inexplicable pedo fetish for shaved vaginas, this beard trend is nothing more and nothing less than herd conformity. Ironically, the beard upsurge coincides with an ongoing global downswing in sperm and testosterone levels. Therefore, I know why hipster men have beards. It’s where they hide their vaginas.

Obviously, a lot of my beard-hatred is rooted in a deep and abiding anti-Semitism, but you’d be hard-pressed to find one Hebrew patriarch that you could honestly call “foxy.” Not that beards look any better on black guys. A girl I know says it looks like they have taco meat all over their faces. And Asians, well, they find it hard to grow beards.

Beards represent an aesthetic crime that bespeaks indolence, sloth, and filth.

Take, for example, country singer Waylon Jennings. In the mid-1960s, he had not a hair on his chin:

Slick. Clean. Presentable.

But only a few years later, it looked like he dipped his face in shit and never wiped it off:

Seriously, guys: Enough with the beards. If men started shaving off their beards and women stopped shaving their twats, this world would be halfway back toward sanity.
 
—JIM GOAD


Comments
  1. Booby says:

    Wonderful

  2. Dan says:

    Hilarious.

  3. Acti0ngirl says:

    PREACH ON!

  4. Gavin says:

    Just seems gay to me to be sitting there shaving hair off your face every day. Do you pluck your eyebrows and moisturize your legs at the same time? Shaving beards was invented because men look younger when they do it. Do you get botox too?

  5. Gavin says:

    Also, a shaved pussy is a lot easier to eat than a hairy bush.

  6. Jim Goad says:

    Someone’s getting defensive!

  7. Ecgtheow says:

    Disagreeing here. Mine makes me feel like I’m in a Western every day. Jet black in appearance (finer than a black man’s) with a subtle mix of red to show off my Irish/Mex pedigree. I lay a fair amount of pipe and can beat the shit out of 95% of the dudes who challenge me.

  8. conrice says:

    hahaha… lets see where this goes

  9. Bobo says:

    Shaving, showering, clipping your nails, brushing your teeth, wiping your ass. Basic hygiene if you’re a guy.

  10. milk pocket says:

    Bearded winters and clean shaven summers. Final answer.

  11. Clovis says:

    A beard will set off all kinds of pissing and moaning in two types of people; insecure women and men who can’t grow beards that are worth growing. Beard envy will wreak serious havoc on some otherwise stable people. I’ve seen tall, strapping men develop Napoleon complexes because they can’t grow a proper beard. I’ve also seen 9-10 level women get all grumpy and vindictive because a man in their line of sight grew a beard. I think it reminds them that they’re less physically adaptive than men who can grow beards. I mainly grow a beard to crawl under the skin of both of these types of people.

  12. Wrong says:

    “Shaving beards was invented because men look younger when they do it.”

    WRONG. Shaving was invented by the wise ancients because a beard is a great handhold for an enemy soldier during hand-to-hand combat in sword battles of yore.

  13. moregruelplease says:

    Fishing in Alaska it keeps the ocean spray off my ever so delicate skin. Also, as much as I love them eating a hairy pussy with this thing is a veritable Chinese finger facial trap.

  14. Matt says:

    Growing a mustache dislplays masculinity while simultaneously advertising modern grooming. Beards are lazy.

  15. Clovis says:

    Shaving was invented because someone decided to invent a way to sell you more shit you don’t need (razors, shaving cream, after shave, fogless shower mirrors, etc.). That’s the basis behind just about everything that’s considered “normal” in America.

  16. Teehee says:

    My family’s grown beards for generations, so I keep it up.
    Meh.

    As my grandpappy said: “The ‘wo’ in ‘woman’ means ‘beardless'”

  17. JTThrasher says:

    A friend and his family were talking about my beard the other day. The friend related this story: While walking through a town in North Carolina, he and another guy came upon an establishment that had two men with long beards standing out front. My friend, being a social person, thought these two men looked interesting and started a conversation with them. As they were talking he asked, “Do you have to have a beard to work here?” To which one of the men replied, “No. We hire women too.”

  18. Jesus H. Bonehead says:

    Beards are like tattoos. Cool when you see one every now and then, but they’ve become totally meaningless.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Nine times out of ten, a guy with a hipster beard is also fat. No wonder there are so many lesbians.

  20. Jim Goad says:

    One could make the case that pussy-shaving was invented to make women look prepubescent.

  21. waitwhat says:

    One could make the case that anonymous commenters are the worst kind of pussy.

  22. reo speedwagon in converse says:

    Your average modern beardo is always compensating for one or more of his beta male attributes: bald/fat/short/chinless/high-pitched voice/chicken chest/etc. Look at that tv show about the competitive beard guys, the old geezers are cool enough but the crews of 30-something whiny try-hards are unbearable.

    Beards should be shaved, pussies should be trimmed unless the beard in question is being grown by a pussy, then shave that shit Ethan!

  23. waitwhat says:

    Oh brother.

  24. vagin says:

    pussy shaving was invented so that whores don’t get pubic lice.

    today’s scarf-framed beard fag is pretty reprehensible, but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. beards aren’t all bad. waylon’s beard kind of goes with the whole program here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dXR5Dk8YNw

    that beardless pic with the high collar makes him look like some faux-intellectual dipshit who does book live book readings.

  25. Ecgtheow says:

    Posting about beardos compensating for beta male attributes when being a fan of REO Speedwagon is one of the most egregious fag offenses there is. If one were to venture away from the hipster meccas like Brooklyn, Portland or Austin, or were to leave the hipster enclave of one’s state, the next full beard you see will have a real man behind it. Talk about compensating, if one can’t grow a proper beard, one just looks like a shaved pussy talking shit about beards.

  26. The Chicken Man says:

    ^^^^In other words, every guy who shaves is an alpha through and through? I don’t think so. It’s a desperate attempt to be accepted by the majority of women who dislike the freewheelin’ manliness of a beard. Nothing more. Nothing less.

  27. Jim Goad says:

    Hello all you screen names!
     
    re: “every guy who shaves is an alpha through and through?” False inference, “Chicken Man.” And a dumb one at that.
     
    “Ecgtheow,” Nashville has some of the worst and most easily butthurt hipsters in the country.
     
    “vagin,” what in the name of the bleeding Jesus is a “book live book reading”? By the way, Waylon’s music took a huge dive in quality once he grew a beard. His 60s stuff is by far his best.
     
    I think a lot of nerves are getting touched in bad places here primarily because I suggested a lot of the neo-beardos are conformists. I doubt that most of them would even think of having beards if a large quotient of their friends didn’t have them.

  28. Surin says:

    Some of us need a beard to quell the baby face.

  29. If you’re dusky but not black and have a beard and don’t live in the Midwest or someplace cold; if the beard was not your signature before 2001, if you don’t dress well, and if you work in a holistic/ organic environment (buck the trend). I object to Blacks looking bad with beards because they mainly look ridiculous with beards and that brings down my competition. Fair people look like they are in technicolor when they wear beards which is enchanting in the right light.

    I don’t make the last exception because I am queer for Gavin, I find it true of both of my other snowball friends too.

  30. Vandal says:

    Here’s the annoying thing — evidently, I do a lot of things hipsters do but I hate hipsters. To me, hipsters do things to be cool. I do things because I like them. I hate Pabst Blue Ribbon and think people who drink it are stupid. I mean, the beer tastes like shit. Wearing messenger bags, unless you’re an actual bike messenger, means you’re a dumbass. Having purposefully messed up hair also means you’re a dumbass. Trucker hat? Idiot. Nerd glasses? Well, I’ve had nerd glasses for years, back when they were issued to me in boot camp and were free. And unless you’re an audiophile why would you buy vinyl other than to sell it to some idiot on eBay for double?

  31. The Chicken Man says:

    I’ve been rockin’ a beard since right after 9/11 when I went into jungle mode motherfucker! I’m not sure what I was talking about with the false inference. I had just taken my first kpin of the day. Take off is sometimes a bit retarded.

  32. vagin says:

    it’s a typo, james. but i bet you knew that.

    i don’t have a beard. nor do i really have friends (kind of why i’m commenting on a website). i think you touched a nerve because you’re good at nerve touchin’.

  33. Anonymous says:

    Tons of back hair is also a sign of excessive masculine hormones. And the ladies love it!

  34. Clovis V. McCoy says:

    Hi! I’m a schizophrenic with no writing talent and I have a pretend retarded brother. I used to go by a chick’s name with groovy dollar signs in place of the “S”! Won’t you be my friend?

  35. Sam says:

    One can’t deny the “herd mentality” aspect among young hipsters, but one major reason for the trend is that a lot of women in their 20s today really like beards (not all college-age women like them, but a lot of them do). Why? One might argue that in a generation of beta males, young women will fall for ANY sign of masculinity that they can find. Or it could be for the usual reasons, large and minute, for why tastes change over generations. I don’t know.

    And tastes will change again. One curious thing today is that beards are in fashion, but chest hair is out of fashion. Chest hair was popular in the 70s. That eventually died out. And beards will die out, too.

  36. shimizu says:

    i’m coming home is waylon jennings’ best song and weakness in a man has nothing to do with hair

  37. Dude Clovis, only the wounded can march in love’s army. Only the lonely know the way I feel tonight.

  38. Tony Heartman says:

    In true counter-revolutionary fashion, I discarded my pathetic attempt at beards once I noticed everyone else started adopting them at an alarming rate.

    I hereby vow never to return to this state–unless of course leftists start adopting the clean-cut look.

  39. Alec Leamas says:

    “Shaving beards was invented because men look younger when they do it. Do you get botox too?”
    ________________________________________________

    I don’t know – if one has a pronounced masculine chin and jawline, shaving tends to accentuate that feature whereas a beard would hide it. I also shave with a double edged safety razor, like my grandfather before me and probably yours as well, with fine English creams and soaps and a badger hair brush, which is truly one of life’s little pleasures.

    The denuded female pudenda – at least the operative parts – is a good idea for the reasons set forth above. I think courtesy should be repaid with courtesy, and therefore if I’m giving milady some oral loving, I do appreciate freedom from the inevitable stray hair that used to find its own way into that limbo between palate and esophagus before the trend really got up and running.

  40. red knuckleberry says:

    Stupid pussies

  41. Anonymous says:

    almost every girl on okcupid is requesting beards these days.

  42. reo speedwagon in converse says:

    @Ecgtheow, my name is from a different hipster-skewering article that was on here once.

    Jim is not talking about regular guys outside of the hipster zones. Nobody is.

    Adherents to the urban lumberjack look tend to be far far removed from the plainspoken hardworking types they dress up as.

  43. tang is a drink? says:

    pardon me for asking, but doesn’t hipster mean white-negro?

  44. rim choad says:

    i’ve never had a woman so obsessed with me that I had to beat her off me. hence, my bitterness.

  45. Darcy says:

    I find the terms “slick” and “clean” completely at odds with my concept of all that a man should be. Slick, clean, presentable men are trying to sell you shoes. Bearded, rough-looking men are building your home, killing your food, and impregnating your wife.

  46. Jim Goad says:

    Yeah, that guy in the top picture looks rough as hell, as do most pasty hipster beardos.

  47. Alec Leamas says:

    OK, count me in the cut my face up once a day crowd.

  48. bum acid says:

    this hurt my feelings.

  49. Montana says:

    The ladies prefer beards now because they discoved reviving oral is FAR more pleasurable from a bearded man. It does seen to tickle then at first but that seems to be what turns then on anymore.

    Beards are also a sign of virility ( not masculinity Per Se as exceptionally viril women can grow beards as well)
    As for furry snatch I love an unkempt bush, though it should be scrubbed in the bath or shower to remove any loose hairs gahaha

  50. […] Dear Editor Mr. Jim Goad said it best back in July only to outrage a handful of Butthurt Beardsplainers who took to the comments section […]

  51. […] popular trend I refuse to indulge in is growing a beard. It’s becoming more popular for men to grow beards now, and I am proud to be avoiding this. I am going to stay clean […]

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