Posted by
John Pittsley
• 11.28.16 05:52 pm

image

People shouldn’t be all that surprised when they hear about some senior citizens getting beaten in an old folks’ home. Sure, a physically fit healthcare professional wooping on some feeble old lady or World War 2 vet is pretty messed up but if you had to spend as much time with the elderly as those people do, you’d realize some of these old timers are asking for it. Especially when it comes to the stupid shit they want to eat.

Bitching about what the kids are wearing and listening to these days is somewhat understandable. Everyone grows up with their own things and at a certain point, it’s impossible to stay on top of what’s hip and cool. You get a real job, start raising a family, and before long, everything new sounds like shit and everyone looks like a fuckin asshole. People should be self aware enough to recognize why this starts to happen and try to keep their mouths shut. Some things are just too awful to let go. Food is a different story, though. The different cuisines and cooking techniques have only been growing and mastered more and more. Not recognizing that is as dumb as ordering a shit-sandwich at a five-star restaurant.

It’s not just gross crap like Jello pie, tuna casserole, or some other retarded dish like that. Old people are fags for the shit butchers throw out and lame ass ways of cooking shit, like boiling everything. If they were straight off the boat it would make some sense but these old farts have no accent and raise a bigger stink about the foods of the past than some record collector talking about an obscure album you’ve never heard of before. Eating that trash makes no sense today. Even if it were being eaten for nostalgia purposes, the sweet taste of their shitty meal would only bring back memories of being beaten with a belt or living in a dilapidated shack. If a younger version of themselves were able to jump in a time machine and see the crazy and tasty foods that are available today, they’d kick the elderly version of themselves in the teeth when they saw the amount of energy they were expending trying to find that waste.

There may be some things we aren’t allowed to consume or are hard to find these days but there is a solid reason for that, they’re not worth eating anymore. Obviously, there are a few exceptions to that rule. Animal rights activists have actually been able to cause some changes in the food industry and made a few tasty treats unavailable, whether it be year round or seasonal. Other foods have become too expensive to produce or not popular enough to keep around. The rising popularity in “foodie culture” is changing that and making those readily available again. Other than that, if you have a hard time finding a particular food or specific way of preparing it, it’s because it sucks. That food or style of preparing it has been replaced with something better. No doubt about it.

The problem with old people is they’re stubborn dicks. You can’t really blame them for being so set in their ways but all it takes is putting this new and better food in their mouths for them to realize that old crap is shit. The only explanation is they haven’t tried it yet. Why, are they scared to? I have a hard time buying the Greatest Generation, who stormed Normandy and were willing to stay home with the kids and take one on the chin from time to time, are too big of pussies to try new foods. They must be so hardheaded that they can’t find it in themselves to admit they’re wrong. That takes some serious dedication, not eating food you know is better just because you can’t be wrong. Then you remember they’ve got wheels for legs and get to ride the bus at a discount and realize they’re probably doing all of this just to be assholes.

We’re always being told to treat our elders with respect but if you stopped pretending and started paying attention to what they were saying, you’d realize they couldn’t give a shit about anything. They may have put in the time and effort to make this country what it is today but they don’t even care for it. All they want is for things to go back to the way they were. It doesn’t matter if things used to suck and everything’s better now, they miss the simpler times. Some may call this nostalgia but their shitty memory or Early-onset Alzheimer’s disease is probably a better explanation. This could make it a little more depressing than frustrating for some but when it comes to food, there’s no fucking excuse.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. Another Shitty article... says:

    All they want is for things to go back to the way they were….

    Thanks for dissing the elderly, John. My mom died a year ago this week and it sure is nice to read the mental images you have created here.

    I’d like things to go back to the way they were, too. Like back when you weren’t on here pulling your pants down to grunt out another half-assed observation.

  2. JR Wirth says:

    So where are the examples of what is “good food” these days? What recently invented food is so fucking delicious? Quinoa? Fuck quinoa. Kale? Fuck kale.

    The way I look at it, living in ground zero of foodies, it’s all about price. Take your average bay area hipster, give him a $5.00 footlong on flatbread, Subway sandwich of the day, and it will go right into the trash. Go next door to a mom-n-pop shit hole, get the same sandwich that is now labeled “artisanal” costing $11.00, with another $2.50 for kettle chips, and another $3.50 for a Jones Soda, and it’s the greatest fucking meal on earth. They line up for it. After tax and a dollar or two in the tip jar, these fucking hipsters have just burned a $20.00 on a shitty, overpriced, deli lunch. Then they go back to their rathole in the Inner Sunset with a toilet thats wedged in a hall closet and wonder why they have no fucking money.

    The early 60’s black framed birth control glasses are getting tired as fuck by the way. At least those stew eating old people got rid of those by 1970. Retro is butt ugly.

    Fuck hipsters.

  3. Michael says:

    Jello sucks, tuna noodle casserole is meh, but beef stew is the fucking shit. Chunks of steak, potatoes, carrots, and gravy? Add some warm bread with it, shit son. How could you not like that?

  4. Foodie Fag says:

    HAHA JR, right on!

    I love the Panera commercials for the suburban would-be hipsters. Artisanal fresh-baked bread with “hand-pulled” free range, organic free smoked chicken. And, from our garden plot behind the strip mall, an heirloom tomato slice, rugola or endive, hand-sliced avocado and Dijon vegan honey mayo with sustainable wild bee honey. Wash it down with a sun-brewed tea sweetened with pure cane sugar from a Third World farming co-op. or…

    as those of us that don’t eat every meal in a Wi-Fi bar call it… A grilled McChicken and a Coke.

  5. 6079 Smith, W. says:

    Good God, Pugsley!
    Old people like what they like.
    It’s possible that you learned to be a dick by taking after two or three that liked YOU once upon a time.
    Give the old man his sausage sammitch and eat yer OWN fuckin’ hummus…

  6. SpaceKook12 says:

    It was too good to be true, a abnormal-normal Pittsley for an article or 2? Back to form doing what you do best doo doo head – free dip shit style, piss-stream of unconsciousness, mental retardation.
    Once again you live up to your MASTER’S masthead bio of your being “a fucking retard, who writes dumb shit about stupid crap.” *sigh*


Leave A Reply