Posted by
M. David Enriquez
• 11.19.12 09:00 am



It’s been 72 dark hours, but I remember it like it was yesterday. The day the Twinkie died.

While we were all busy picking the leader of the free world and carefully thinking about the future of our obese children, the contents of their lunchboxes—Wonder Bread, Ho-Ho’s, Ring Dings, et al—were being digested by the stomach acid of our soon-to-be Third World economy.

Opinions on the cause of Hostess’s death fall along predictable political fault lines. Free-market types place the blame on the unions and capitalism haters place all the blame on greed and corporate abuse. Like most cases of polarized political opinion, the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

No one was buying their stuff.

Wonder Bread? No thanks, whole wheat for me. Ho-Ho’s? I don’t hate myself enough. Twinkies? I haven’t eaten one of those jizz-filled science experiments since Britney Spears lost her shit.

Take a lack of demand, add a little recession, a pinch of mismanagement, and top it off with a zero-sum style faceoff between retarded executives and stubborn workers and you’ve got a recipe for dead Twinkies. Striking is a gamble. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes a Mexican billionaire steals your Ring Dings.

Grupo Bimbo is looking to buy out the bankrupt Hostess brands. I thought they only made the bread with the little bear on it. As it turns out, that little beaner bear is already running quite a successful bleached flour and corn-syrup cartel.

Wonder Bread may grow mold and Ho-Ho’s may turn grey, but the immortal Twinkie will never die. Like a phoenix rising from ashes the Twinkie will be born again—in Mexico.

The day after the Twinkocalypse, I walked around my local supermarket in search of some hostess brand stuff to sell on eBay. All I found were some manhandled and squished loafs of Wonder Bread. Everywhere I expected to find Hostess products, what did I find? Arnold Bread, Entenmanns’s cakes, and Sara Lee Muffins. Those are all, at least in part, owned by Grupo Bimbo. That little wetback Winnie the Pooh wannabe is already running shit.

I’m not a Mexican, but white people frequently mistake me for one, so allow me to speak for my people.

Americanos. Get your shit together. Our illegal drug market works better than your shitty economy does. Now all your Twinkies are going to be filled with sour cream. Los Republicanos may build fences to keep us out, but we’re coming in one way or the other, holmes.

We’ve got catapults and shit.

 

—M. DAVID ENRIQUEZ


Comments
  1. josh dorn says:

    Man, I know you’re an expert at illegally crossing the border. Now you’ll be smuggling contraband twinkies. I’m reporting you to EBay.

  2. Hornblower's Ghost says:

    BIMBO already owns most of the factory bakeries in this country, it’s already a wrap. They own almost all the bread brands next to Wonder in your local market. Those crafty beaners even own english muffins!

  3. Sniffy says:

    We need companies like this to stick around for population control. The weak minded eat cancer causing foods, then I get rich when the pharmaceutical companies I invest in sell them cancer drugs. Yay! Winning!

  4. Sniffy says:

    We need companies like this to stick around for population control. The weak minded eat cancer causing foods, then I get rich when the pharmaceutical companies I invest in sell them cancer drugs. Yay! Winning!

  5. EC says:

    Amazing article.

  6. Brian says:

    Is it so bad that an unhealthy brand goes tits up? We can mourn the loss of jobs, sure, that’s sad. But isn’t this what we want, health-wise? Kale-mart opens up and Twinkie Shoppe closes down? Not a bad thing. BUT WAIT! Bimbo comes in and says “hey, we’ll close your bakeries and factories and restructure the brands so you can keep eating the same toxic shit!” They will shred the jobs and keep us in Twinkies for another 75 years. Anyway, this is conjecture. I hope I’m wrong.

  7. Brian says:

    Proposal: Whole Wheat Twinkies and Whole Wheat Twinkies with flax. Multi-grain Ho Hos with non-fat whipped filling.

  8. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    So Bimbo is a Mexican company that makes English muffins and Italian bread to sell in America. This global economy concept is fucking wild!!!

  9. The Attack Of The 60 Ft Lesbian Octopus says:

    arriba las chivas?

  10. Lester says:

    must be partying at Kings Dons HQ

  11. josh dorn says:

    If I were Mexican I’d lie about it too.


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