Posted by
Matthew Sheahan
• 03.18.14 07:30 am


My entry into the world of fatherhood has caused me to ponder upon new issues and realize new opportunities to improve our world.

I recently had the opportunity to meet up with a friend of mine who recently welcomed a second daughter into his family, and our conversation naturally wandered to the subject of breasts and the life-giving milk our wives were giving to our offspring.

My friend mentioned that his wife was half-Vietnamese and that this made her breast milk more exotic and a rare commodity. He said that Vietnamese women have excellent breast milk. We naturally began to wonder how the world’s diverse population produced an expansive menu of breast milks that a man would naturally want to sample and compare.

We decided that, unlike our much-delayed White Castle Crave Case Eating Contest, this was an idea too brilliant, progressive, and potentially lucrative not to pursue at once.

Imagine an establishment with the exclusivity of an expensive winery and the jovial cheer of a cigar club. People would join and come to sample breast milk from around the world. The more exotic the breast milk, the more expensive it would be.

You might say that such a business is decadent and depraved, and you may be right. No doubt some will accuse our fine business of exploiting women or denying children their nutrition. But here’s where we infuse enough progressive politics into our business model to make even the most lionhearted feminist join us for a shot of boob juice.

Many countries around the world have very conservative practices and laws that will make collecting breast milk difficult. The more traditional Islamic countries will sure to be a challenge. You have to figure if a woman isn’t allowed to show her face to anyone but husband and family, pumping her tit milk for strange infidels has got to be pretty high on Allah’s shit list, even though breastfeeding their junior (or senior) jihadists is encouraged. And that’s where we’ll have worldwide good will in our favor. We will be collecting the breast milk in secret and we’ll have to use local women sympathetic to us in order to get this mammary juice. They’ll be paid handsomely as well in accordance with market demand, quality of milk, etc. Now, with this business in place they’ll have money to fund their cause and a network of independent-minded women to help fight for rights. That their political movements are funded by a horde of wealthy, western weirdos shouldn’t dissuade them; it will only make their cause richer.

This will be the most empowering thing to happen to the world’s women since most of them got the right to vote. New mothers can make some much-needed cash that they don’t have to pay taxes on by selling a little bit of their luscious melon milk to our organization. They can set the price, though we won’t be obligated to buy if they set the price too high, and it will be to our advantage to have as wide a supply chain as possible.

Of course, all samples will have to be verified with DNA matches. If someone is paying $600 an ounce for authentic Pashtun breast milk, they will have to be assured that the milk is really from the stated source. We will be running a fair business.

But the business will be illegal. In the US, human breast milk has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration for sale or consumption. It will be totally underground both at home and abroad and we’ll have to have a vast network of elite international smugglers at our disposal. With enough daring and luck I can be the Pablo Escobar of breast milk.

So who is ready to help me get this underway? I’ll only need one or two right-minded, deep-pocketed investors to get this business up and running. Let’s do this.

 

—MATTHEW SHEAHAN


Comments
  1. Mccaf says:

    fake titties probably squirt out the nattie ice of breast milk.

  2. Sean says:

    It would be far simpler and more cost effective to actually capture and detain each woman. You then have some basic control of supply and thus pricing (for the huge underground industry that’s going to explode around you). On top of that you’ll have free labor for the clubhouse. This will also give you to the human capital to diversify your business into domestic slavery and the sex trade.

  3. We wouldn’t engage in slavery or any form of coerced prostitution. All our milk suppliers would be selling their milk to us of their own free will. Besides our own moral objections to slavery and other forms of indentured servitude, we feel that such practices would cause women undue stress and that stress could affect the purity and flavor of the milk.

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