Jesus, kids will try pretty much anything to get wasted quicker these days thanks to DEA crackdowns and store clerks abiding by the law.
Whatever happened to the good ol’ days of smoking a little shitty joint and shotgunning a brew at a house party? Now kids are funneling wine into their assholes! This need for instant FUBAR started with snorting Adderall, then moved to whippets, bath salts, catnip, and synthetic marijuana before progressing to licking hand sanitizer, then vodka-eyeballing/vodka-tamponing, to God knows what else because I’m 31.
Aside from having the gayest name for getting wasted, “butt-chugging,” AKA “alcohol enema,” seems to be all the rage these days for frat bros—so much so that it caught media attention over the weekend when a pledge at University of Tennessee (a state proudly know for homosexuality) was taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning and school officials had to “crack down” on hazing rituals involving alcohol. And if this story isn’t gay enough already, the str8 frat bros were butt-chugging wine. Yes, wine.
If you thought a gay man blowing cocaine up another gay man’s asshole was pretty gay, wait until you hear about butt-chugging haze. A str8 frat bro forces a group of str8 pledges to ingest wine in their asshole a while other str8 frat bros watch and cheer on the pledges, but still nothing is gayer than “vodka-eyeballing.”
Here are a few safe str8 ways that don’t involve alcohol for str8 frat guys to haze str8 pledges. All of these are pretty str8 hazing behavior for frat guys:
1. Ass-to-ass. Recreate the scene from Requiem for a Dream when Jennifer Connelly and a hooker ass-to-ass each other with a dildo, but replace the regular dildo with a fist dildo.
2. The arena. Make a Greco-Roman coliseum area and fill the seats with str8 frat guys. Watch four pledges wrestle each other in hot oil, then toss a gimp named “Ogre” into the arena and the pledges have to beat Ogre to death with sex toys.
3. The gauntlet. Str8 pledges go down the boner line of str8 frat bros and they have to “throat” each guy. If the pledge loses consciousness or pukes he is disqualified and has to start from the beginning.
All in all, I guess butt-chugging and vodka-eyeballing make sense, though alcohol bypasses the liver completely and goes straight to the bloodstream to get you wasted in an instant. It’s just having a group of dudes cheer you while a tube is in your ass and a funnel is held above your spread-eagled ass by a str8 bro friend doesn’t seem all that cool or fun the next day. I’ll stick with sipping Guinness. Christ, now all this talk has me thinking of new ways to get drunk off Guinness. Guess I need to snort the foam and inject it into my veins with an IV.
But wait, it’s not just a frat thing; apparently str8 dudes all over the country are butt-chugging! Here’s a dude slamming a Four Loko: