Posted by
Matthew Sheahan
• 02.18.14 07:00 am


Our friends in the progressive movement have implored whites to check our privilege.

This means we must admit that our achievements and accomplishments are unfair gifts delivered to us only by centuries of oppression and the aura of outrageous good fortune that our white skin magically confers upon us. It is our duty and obligation, if we want to be truly “aware” and well regarded by our more enlightened white brothers and sisters, to work endlessly to announce and counteract this offense.

Having recently become the father of two white baby girls, how can I ensure that they won’t follow in the oppressive footsteps of their many hard-working Irish immigrant ancestors and find gainful employment as adults? Such productivity would be an insult to the nameless generations of people of color who have doubtlessly suffered through the numerous “micro-aggressions” my daughters have unwittingly committed since their mother and I offended the world with the culturally violent act of bringing them into the world, would it not?

Delving into my bottomless “invisible knapsack” of white patriarchal ideas, I have found a way to put them on equal footing with many of their African-American contemporaries that will be competing with them in the job market decades from now. I will give them absurd name on par with some of the hilarious names generated by our more melanin-blessed citizens.

I first thought to name them Eva Braun Sheahan and Charlene Manson Sheahan, but the passage of time and declining cultural literacy will make it so that the names Eva Braun and Charles Manson won’t ring too many bells 20 years from now. Same goes for Bonnie Parker, Aileen Wuornos, or Jenna Jameson.

I could go with some very Irish ethnic names that future employers won’t be able to pronounce, like Fionnat (which literally means “white” in Irish) or Pádraigín (Irish version of Patricia), but that would be taking advantage of more white privilege, since my white Irish ancestors had the luxury of thinking of those names while living the easy life of Gaelic serfs for several centuries.

No, I’ve got to do something new that will be repulsive to anyone and everyone in the gorgeous multicultural mosaic of our future America. My girls have got to be able to offend both Mohammedan college admissions officers and Rastafarian dentists, Sikh police officers, and Chinese bankers.

I came up with a bunch of ridiculous white names for my girls: Axe Murderess Sheahan, Dungeness Crabs Sheahan, Penis-Cutter Volcano Sheahan, Swimming Nazi Sheahan, and so on. But that’s not really playing by the same rules. Many of the black names we laugh at aren’t words in their own right like some of those names. I invented some new words out of thin air that might work and announce ridiculous white names, such as Minookinfloover, Hoopskavinir, Blintoplolinpolia, and Skeppenpeepern, but those could be mistaken for real names too and might be real names common in some remote corner of Iceland for all I know.

I decided to go with some names that would be considered culturally white and would be appropriate for both girls and boys, because our offspring are supposed to be gender-fluid automatons in addition to being guilt-laden ice people.

So here are the top five ridiculous names for white people appropriate for either gender that reflect ethnic stereotypes of the various populations of white folk:

  1. Hamptons
  2. Redneck
  3. Polo
  4. NASCAR
  5. Debutante

 

I’ve spent many years waiting for my white privilege to kick in. But when it finally does, I’ll be prepared. Then again, my girls may be smart enough to change their names to something normal, so my best laid plans to help end white privilege may be all for naught. Damn.

 
—MATTHEW SHEAHAN


Comments
  1. Latte

    Surfboard

    Caddy

  2. TWalsh2 says:

    I’m as proud as the next white guy about our accomplishments throughout history. This being said, in the naming department, similar to Olympic sprints, we have no chance. From the 2014 SEC signing class I give you: Shaun Dion, Bijhon, Henre’, Kalvarez, Devaroe, Racean, D’Haquille, Khairi, Kavaris, C’Yontai, Moral, Detric, Dishon, Shakenneth, Sione, Zykiesis, Demarquis, Breeland, Jamoral, Elgton, Jocquell, Rocell, Finis, and Jhaustin.
    Stick with Sue, girl or boy.

  3. Mr. BULLSHIT says:

    I call bullshit.

  4. Simon says:

    Haven’t read any of this Matt Sheahan guy’s articles before, but I like him already.

  5. J.T. Thrasher says:

    I am German and irish, English and Scottish. My wife is German and Norwegian. Our first son was named Gavin (white hawk). I wanted to name the next one for my wife’s Norwegian side and thought Magnus Wolf for his first and middle. We decided it would be too culturally removed for simplistic Americans, so we settled on Gunnar Wolf. I will always thingk that Magnus Wolf is the most white and metal of names. Alas, it is not to be.

  6. Eddie says:

    Actually, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if “Debutante” is already a name–a black name, to be specific. If so, it would probably be pronounced differently from the word debutant, though. It would likely sound like “deb-u-tahn-tay.”

  7. Arty says:

    I always thought Izan would make a good name.

  8. Anon says:

    Well, while we get our white guilt going lets just take back the cure for AIDS. Sorry Magic Johnson, you have to wait for Africa to have a renaissance and an industrial revolution plus one hundred more years before you have a decent cure for AIDS. Lets just let the African Universities with the African Pharmaceutical companies and the African Investors figure it out for themselves. But we all know that Africa wouldn’t have done that for at least five hundred more years.

  9. JW says:

    In honor of our repressed ancestors, who were murdered and bred out of existence by the African hordes in what was perhaps the human race’s first genocide, I give you:

    Neanderthalina! (Neander for a boy.)

    Following the theme: CroMaggie

    “CroMaggie, darling…stop hitting little Neander with that pipe wrench!” It works!

  10. spotarama says:

    1) Bain-Marie

    2) KVIII (geddit – Kate) this one is real, dumb-arse local hipsters foisted it on their newly spawned female progeny

  11. corporate hussy says:

    Miles is a stupid fucking white name.

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