Posted by
Benjamin Leo
• 09.01.10 12:00 pm

My least favorite website in the world, worse than fucking Jezebel, is that health department site where you search for your favorite restaurants and find out they all have rats.

My least favorite website in the world, worse than fucking Jezebel, is that health department site where you search for your favorite restaurants and find out they all have rats.

A few years ago, this site got me so down on New York restaurants that a friend of mine — a chef — had to tell me to “chill the fuck out.”

His argument was that ALL restaurants have some health infractions, that inspectors are REALLY tough and that it’s basically impossible for a restaurant not to have any violations at all.

Fair enough, I conceded, it’s one thing if you rack up a “Lighting inadequate. Bulb not shielded or shatterproof” or even a “Non-food contact surface improperly constructed.”

… But if you score an “evidence of mice or live mice present in facility’s food and/or non-food areas,” then as far as I’m concerned, the name of your restaurant may as well be “Closed Due to AIDS.”

(Basically, the infamous KFC video fucked me up for life — Although the Australian one is worse and watching the toilet rat makes it impossible for me to live.)

Anyway, my chef friend kept arguing with me, but in the end, he’s just another jerkoff trying to protect his own skin. I’d do the same thing in his shoes.

Problem is though: The game is about to change. As you may have heard, New York restaurants will soon be required to post gigantic window signs bearing their government-issued hygiene grades.

Fucking awesome. Or is it? Do we want to know?

Yes, we do: If you are about to walk into a restaurant that has a C in hygiene, you have to fucking know. And like the Scarlet Letter of yore, this shaming system will FORCE muthafuckas to be clean or risk going out of business because no one wants to eat rat cum.

I was astounded though, after reading the article, to see that the New York State Restaurant Association is actually raising money for a legal challenge to fight this new system. Check out what one of these guys has the balls to say:

“We don’t know that the government can compel you to post a sign that expresses an opinion about your business that you do not share,” Mr. Bookman said.

An OPINION? An opinion is whether nigga liked Inception, not whether there’s rat shit on his floor.

So I couldn’t resist getting back in touch with my chef, and boy is HE up in arms:

“Bloomberg is a fag. Basically, this whole thing is set up so that less than 5% of restaurants will get an A. That’s from a health inspector that I talked to. The only places that will get THOSE grades are McDonald’s or other huge corporate run restaurants.

My real problem is that much like everything else this fucker does, the health codes are set up to be a form of regressive taxation. It’s another way for the city to raise money. It has nothing to do with public health. It’s the small business owner that gets the worst grade and fined the most, but it is probably the safest place for you and your family to eat at.

The grades on the windows hurt small business much like transit hikes only effect the poor and middle class.”

Wait wait wait — this is starting to sound like some KRS-ONE conspiracy shit. I agree that like “alternate side of the street parking,” the purpose of this initiative is probably just to generate revenue for the city. But that doesn’t mean shit: It’s always about money! (Yeah, like those street-sweepers really CLEAN the streets.)

The jump I CAN’T make is this: How are small-businesses automatically going to get the bad grades? Because they don’t have money to clean their joints? Isn’t that shit a priority? It needs to be! Clean your AIDS!

(a Ty Hardaway joint)

Meanwhile, my chef said only 5% of restaurants would get As, but look at this: The initial inspections are taking place and 50% of restaurants are getting As. Not AIDS — As! If only I could debunk the Loose Change faggots this easily.

I understand it’s a recession and we shouldn’t do things to fuck with business, but don’t we have to draw the line with eating rat shit?

Clean your AIDS!


  1. Truther says:

    Your friend is just nervous he won’t be able to put his dick in yuppie’s milkshakes anymore

  2. todd says:

    no way you can totally still get away with putting a dick in a milkshake… inspectors come through maybe once a year.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Aids will closesing YOURE Chinese restarant, Derikk.

    Fromm Preck!

  4. English Nanny says:

    I am for cameras monitoring kitchens to make sure we cut down on dick milkshake. Use the same ones that caught me baby shaking.

  5. Keanu Reeves says:

    They’ve been doing this in Toronto for a couple years now (i think). Helps when you want something new but don’t want to risk a hospital visit. I purposefully didn’t eat at a Chinese place that had a “conditional pass” – fuck that shit

  6. Mel Gibson says:

    They do this in San Francisco, and almost every restaurant I’ve seen has marks in the high 90’s, if not just a flat 100/100. If NYC restaurants are worried about flunking a basic test that says “this place is clean enough to eat at” then fuuuuuccck thhhaaaat.

  7. ty says:

    Socialist liberals taking over all the free god-given enterprises like Glenn Luther Beck said!

    NY should put these letter grades on churches (and mosques, right?). Unitarians get an A. Lutherans get a B. You can predict the rest.

  8. harbinger says:

    if you’ve ever worked at a restaurant, you’ve definitely seen some shady shit go down, and eaten your shift meal anyway. pests like warmth, moisture, and food. where can they find plenty of it? hey, a kitchen! big surprise.

    i’m a bartender, and i don’t wipe the mouth of a bottle with a cocktail napkin before i drink out of it. but i should, because a case of beer has to travel a long way and sit in any number of grimy spots between the factory and the customer. seriously, wipe the top of a couple of bottles the next time you’re out, you’ll definitely find a couple of brown rings on your napkin.

    the point is, i’m not dead yet, and i’ve never even gotten food poisoning or anything. the only people who really have to worry about normal restaurant filth are the ones who actually have AIDS.

    if they raised the standards to the point where only 5% of restaurants pass inspection, it’s true that corporate places would be the only ones that could pass. McDonald’s has spent BILLIONS of dollars to become the most efficient restaurant in the world. everything there has been honed down to a science. but hey, guess what, their food is still garbage. on the other hand, a great independent restaurant probably tastes great and could never compete with a corporate model of efficiency. getting the average place as clean as a McD’s would put the average owner out of business in a week.

  9. Hunk Williams, Jr. says:

    My kitchen at home probably wouldn’t get a high mark, and I’m fine. LA has been doing this for as long as I can remember. Hint: some of the best restaurants have B’s.

  10. no.thanks. says:

    Yep, agree with Hunk Williams, Los Angeles has been using the A-D grading system for years and its true some of the best places are B-C, esp asian style resturants.

  11. homeless says:

    my 5-second rule is about 60-seconds long.

  12. MPistol says:

    Why do I feel a “no restaurant left behind” campaign coming on?

  13. dragler says:

    it’s obvious when you sit down if a place is gross. don’t need no inspector

  14. Anonymous says:

    Can’t you just bribe the health inspectors (like many restaurants have for years)?

  15. farts says:

    ben, you sound like someone who doesn’t even pee in the shower, prude.

  16. Peter Luger says:

    @dragler you couldn’t be wronger fuckin moron.

    I shit bricks at the Inception line. funny.

  17. chef foot-in-ass says:

    sorry dude your friend is right.

    As a small business owner, I could never afford to clean my kitchen as spotlessly as a McDonalds. Let me ask you this: have you ever actually gotten sick from eating in a restaurant? If you have, how many times? Twice in your whole life maybe? Out of thousands?

    So then don’t you think just maybe the concern here is overblown?
    yet soon you’ll have destroyed small businesses all because of your paranoia.

    p.s. LA is different. they have no foot traffic. this will FUCK UP the new york scene.

  18. qq says:


  19. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    I once went back and forth to a buffet line without using a clean plate each time and I never looked back! This is MY country. Freedom, motherfuckers!

  20. FEDERAL COME™ says:

    Strictly for the hardcore, I’ll be organizing the annual FEDERAL COME D+ EAST NEW YORK CITY FOOD TOUR FOR FOODIES AND OTHER FAGGOTS.

    Shit’s gonna be at my house.

    Excellent post, back from the brink.

  21. rayray says:

    you have a link to all your arguments, but source an anonymous chef that you know to counter you. sounds like a super solid stories. also, i’m serving clean dick if you want to eat one.

  22. rayray says:

    Oops I didn’t see that the New York Times Article you link to quotes the NY Restaurant association’s campaign.

    Sorry I’m such faggot! Also, dicks.

  23. dudavocado says:

    nah, california has been doing this for years. the grimiest, cockroach filled dumps still get a’s. you don’t expect a burrito with out getting sick, or finding some sort of pube in your gorditas. Only place I’ve seen with a C is little Caesers. And that bitch closed down fast.

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