Posted by
Lasse Holmberg Josephsen
• 08.29.13 09:00 am


By now, only a couple of the most isolated tribes in the Amazon haven’t seen Miley Cyrus tweakin’ and twerkin’ and workin’ dat ass at the VMAs last Sunday night.

It’s all over the TV, in the papers, and on your computer screen when your mother is off at the store and you can finally jack off. It’s a visual carpet-bombing and when we one day look back on that year of our Lord 2013, we will probably remember it as the year when absolutely everyone stopped whatever they were doing to discuss a teenage girl’s ass. It’s a weird age we’re living in when you try to get some news but keep getting distracted by pictures of Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter spreading her anus in short shorts while her tongue is all over the place.

This hasn’t gone unnoticed by some people who’d rather we all cared more about what’s going on in Syria, where chemical warfare has once again reared its terrifying head. Investigative journalist Ben Swann writes: “This video has popped up at least 50 times in my feed, but hardly anyone is talking about Syria.” He wrote that piece after succumbing to his own investigative curiosity and watching the damn thing himself. Steve Kenning at Huffington Post jokes that we should stop caring about both Miley and Syria to focus on his birthday, which is probably just a badly camouflaged attempt to get his friends and coworkers to actually remember his upcoming birthday. Nice try, Kenning. They all hate you.

Paranoid mongoloid Alex Jones’s site, Infowars.com, insinuates that Miley’s performance was a deliberate distraction by the establishment’s “entertainment” media to hide whatever mischief is going on in Syria, forgetting that the establishment’s entertainment media is so full of fucking idiots, the chance of them successfully taking part in a large conspiracy is pretty slim. Or wouldn’t that be exactly what they want you to think?

And hey, I’m just a useful idiot for the Illuminati, so don’t listen to anything I say.

DeathAndTaxes, a magazine offering you the annoying combination of The latest in indie music news and politics, wrote that Miley Cyrus’s dance on the VMAs was a glittery distraction, while one day later publishing a piece about twerking. Ethan Nichtern at The Interdependence Project, a project that supposedly helps people awaken to their full human potential with programming and projects focused on uniting the personal, interpersonal, and collective levels of experience using a unique, multi-lineage education in secular Buddhist practice and psychology, as well as Transformational Activism initiatives, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean, also worried about Miley’s shit-machine getting more attention than Syria. In the end Nichtern wrestles with the question “Should Obama attack Syria?”, coming up with the answer, “The most spiritual and nonviolent thing I can say right now is ‘I have NO idea.’” What a fuckload of help secular Buddhism turned out to be then.

Then there are the satirists.

“Syrian Rebels thank media for Miley Cyrus VMA coverage,” wrote British fun site Newsthump.com. The somehow still existing Mad Magazine made a comparison chart showing the similarities between Miley’s performance and the chemical attack in Syria. The Onion wrote a fake op-ed by managing editor of CNN.com, Meredith Artley, explaining why she let Miley Cyrus be their top story instead of Syria. Some guy called Greg Karber started a petition to get Miley to twerk on president Bashar al-Assad. I don’t know if Jon Stewart has been doing a thing on the Miley/Syria brouhaha yet, but where there’s a chance to be smug and self-righteous, expect him to grab hold of it for dear life.

Funnily enough, Billy Ray Cyrus, the whore’s father, seemed to actually worry about Syria rather than his child doing the no-hand applause with her buttocks. I don’t really know what to make of all this. It’s all very clever and funny and thought-provoking, I’m sure you’ll agree, but I find myself utterly incapable of being anything else than mildly annoyed at these critics.

There is a devastating tragedy taking place in Syria, and it is a bit worrying that one mediocre-at-best butt can dominate the news while it’s taking place, but I really don’t think any of the above smartasses are being helpful. What every one of these journalists, satirists, and um…secular Buddhists has really been doing is to turn the attention away from both Miley Cyrus and Syria and over to themselves and their own cleverness.

Once the nodding and giggling is over, it will all go back to business as usual. Satire and quasi-intelligent pondering don’t do shit these days, I’m sorry to say. If people want to learn about what’s going on in Syria, they’ll easily find news updates about Syria. But people don’t want to know about what’s going on in Syria, they want to see dumb sluts making fools of themselves on live TV. Don’t blame the media, blame the people.


—LASSE HOLMBERG JOSEPHSEN


Comments
  1. bean bag says:

    shock and awe nothin’

  2. Raymi says:

    Garbage everywhere.

  3. RED says:

    Okay, how’s this. We don’t really give a shit about what happens in Syria. Miley’s dance is relevant because it reflects the way youth culture for girls has become hyper-sexualized since porn and we worry about our daughters losing their innocence too soon. Today we have little girls dressing up as Monster High sluts for Halloween and listening to “It’s Britney bitch” and Lady Gaga sing a song that sounds a lot like “fuck her face.” That affects our household directly. Syria doesn’t nor will it ever.

  4. Nice job calling out the “so clever they all have the same stupid idea” media muppets.

    Unfortunately though, they’ve all missed the potential solution that is right in front of their eyes. If Miley Cyrus were to agree to put on a concert in Syria with a bunch of other important celebrities like, say, the Kardashians et al, and invite members of both sides in this “fuck your corrupt oligarchy, we want OUR corrupt oligarchy” struggle (no matter how much the media and this administration try to paint it as a fight for democracy) we could get all the major players in this story into one place. And then, as an atmosphere of multi-cultural joy and openness spread through the crowd, the US could launch a well-timed drone strike and solve a shitload of problems at once.

  5. anon says:

    this is absolutely true.

    “Once the nodding and giggling is over, it will all go back to business as usual. Satire and quasi-intelligent pondering don’t do shit these days, I’m sorry to say. If people want to learn about what’s going on in Syria, they’ll easily find news updates about Syria. But people don’t want to know about what’s going on in Syria, they want to see dumb sluts making fools of themselves on live TV. Don’t blame the media, blame the people.”

  6. Matt says:

    Spot on! Now I’m going to read an article about an MMA fighter who broke his penis.

  7. guzzler says:

    Maybe those Syrians should get their hottest bitches to do some 6th Ward Dumaine shit.

  8. My favorite is all the gojane blogs and its femme clones who all have a different social justice take on why her performance was so offensive. Marilyn Manson got nothing on the square parental outbursts that Miley caused.

  9. Simon says:

    Yuppie Princess is on to something. It’s fascinating how moral indignation at music now comes most often from the left rather than the right, it’s like a bizarro world compared to 10 years ago.

  10. Simon says:

    That said, I don’t see how people can’t at the same time pay attention to the VMAs and to the Syrian civil war. (+ potential NATO involvement in it)

  11. Refrigerator Perry says:

    Miley dances like a horse.

  12. Matt says:

    She’s like the little girl in “Little Miss Sunshine.” That dance at the end of the movie. The joke’s on Pop.

  13. Gene Simmons says:

    She needs to work on her tongue movement. Just sayin’………..

  14. Sniffy says:

    If you had the chance you’d stick your whole face in there and take a big ole sniff. Seriously I would, no matter how annoying she is.

  15. Lasse says:

    I’m so proud of having readers like Sniffy.

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