Posted by
Drew Grant
• 08.26.09 11:00 am


Am I a late bloomer or just pathetic? I recently turned 19, finished my first year at college and have yet to have sex.

Am I a late bloomer or just pathetic? I recently turned 19, finished my first year at college and have yet to have sex. I didn’t start to get concerned about my extended virginhood until a couple of months ago and now it seems like it’s all I can think about. Should I just go for it with any old character or wait and maintain some sort of standard? Regardless, any tips/words of wisdom for my first time would be greatly appreciated.

Love Always,
The Virgin Mary

P.S: I’m sending you a picture so you have an idea of what I’m working with. Don’t post it on the website in case my ma and pa read it. (I don’t want them to be ashamed of their 19 year old virgin.)

* In the picture, I’m the one dressed as a bird on the mailbox.

I’m not going to spread this girl’s pics around the internet because I remember how bad I felt when my mom called me asking what a Suicide Girl was (my little sister is a fucking TATTLER), but seriously this chick is banging. BANGING. I showed her pics to all my dude friends and they all agreed that she looked like Christina Hendricks meets that hot girl you whacked off to in your Creative Writing seminar. Like she is basically Joan Holloway, but goofy and with smaller tits than this picture:

Otherwise, dead on. So this leaves two possibilities:
1) Are you a virgin out of choice (religious reasons, high standards, prudish, whatever?) or are you really waiting for Mr. Right? I’d make fun of you, except I was a virgin until I was 18 and got to college. But that’s because in high school I was fat. So:
2) Did you recently lose a lot of weight? That might be why you’re suddenly reconsidering the whole thing: a hotter caliber of guys. Otherwise, you made it up to 19 and a whole year of college without wondering why you were a virgin? Do you do other stuff? Finger-banging, anal, what have you? Or do you just not even get past the make-out point? And again, I wonder if this is because you have some severe personality flaw, like extreme quirkiness (hence the Creative Writing seminar) or an annoying voice that makes guys lose interest?

But you know what, that’s such a misogynistic way to look at things. From what I can tell, you are super hot, and are beating guys off (except not?) everyday. So your question is: Any old shmoe or wait for the guy you fall for? Well let me answer your question with a story:

My freshman year, I met the hottest upperclassman ever. He looked like Ashton Kutcher meets Jim from The Office, but wasn’t a douche bag and lived off-campus. I knew that if I gave him my v-card and we ended up breaking up, I’d be devastated. So you know what I did? I totally gave it up to the really nice guy who played guitar and lived the next dorm over, just to get the whole stigma of being a virgin out of the way. It was 4:20 on Yom Kippur, and I remember thinking “This isn’t that much more fun than getting finger-blasted” and then afterward he wanted to cuddle and Rufus Wainwright’s version of “Hallelujah” played on his iTunes or whatever.

Fully vaccinated against having my v-card and my heart taken away simultaneously, I fucked the upperclassman. After we boned, the Leonard Cohen version of “Hallelujah” came on, which I totally thought was a sign. A sign for what? I don’t know. That people in college have the same shitty music taste?

So me and this guy dated for two weeks, he called me his girlfriend and I didn’t listen to my R.A., who’d also fucked him and told me I was in over my head. I was dying, I was so into it. And then he dumped me and my heart was broken anyway and I got this raging complex where I thought his female friends were following me around campus and laughing at me.

The moral is, it doesn’t matter who you bone first, the guy you want or the guy that just happens to be there, because either way it causes the same amount of heartbreak and 5+ years of Zoloft prescriptions. Honey, it’s inevitable. You might as well just find someone as good looking as you so if the condom breaks at least you’ll have gorgeous children. And if that’s making you feel sad, perk up: I still see that upperclassman every two years because we have this deal where we get together and spend a week or two in bed watching movies before he starts getting annoyed with me again and we cut off contact. But you know what? In two months it’ll be the third two-year mark so I’m like taking a week off of work in advance.

In conclusion: Sex is awesome, except when you do it with people who you are totally infatuated with, and even then it’s pretty great because you get to keep Eternal Sunshining’ that shit until you are old and gray.

Hope that helps,
Drew


Comments
  1. sharon says:

    you’re on suicide girls? what’s your alias?

  2. Hugh Grant says:

    You fine post is like your fine legs, tediously long.

  3. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    slightly depressing?

  4. blankman says:

    good post.

  5. Leather Owl says:

    ok thats it, better / my wrists and call it a life

  6. french guy says:

    i think she’s just a prude with a tude.

  7. SERGE GAINSBOURG says:

    ^^^^^ OUI! ALLEZ!

  8. Vane$$a says:

    I like ‘em a lot more dirty.

  9. Ah so says:

    they had iTunes back then?

  10. POOKLES says:

    Maybe you didn’t feel like you wanted it until now. I’d say to just let it happen when it feels like its right and its going to happen- not to force it, or find someone you know will take it because chances are that afterwards, or even during, you’ll feel debased. I also suggest not to tell the person that you’ve got your virg. or make that the focus of the deed until after you’ve done it so that the pesky stigma isn’t hanging over you, and the sex is what it is instead of some grandiose milestone while its happening.

  11. Jules says:

    Fuck artists. That is your job.

  12. fik says:

    i am a 34 D and always loved little titties , but this lovely lady here makes me wanna love me bubies .

  13. Gnarls Pukowski says:

    Greedy little monkey needs to spread that pussy around.

  14. That's so raven! says:

    K, so Drews story didn’t make sense…she wanted to bone some guy who was good looking that she didn’t really know or she wanted to just bone another guy she sorta knew…but wasn’t good looking?

    She took option B) of just boning a guy for the sake of boning a guy. What you do is take option A) and have sex with a dude that you know you like and can’t see breaking your heart in the immediate future and hopefully he is devilishly good looking.

    Wait it out, some dude will come along that wow’s your pants off and then you’ll make his dink throb for as long as you stay with him because you’ll be a virgin and tight as hell.

    Who gives a fuck about when you have sex? Your hot and have a tighter poon than all of your friends…you’re in the drivers seat.

  15. Tupac- "What'z ya phone numba?" says:

    YO BABY YOU SOUND HELLA COOL YOU POST YA PHONE NUMBA I GIVE YOU CALL BABE I BREAK YOU OFF DAAAM GANGSTA SYLE!!1

    Yo really mama you gimme call IMa make ya feel daam good babe\\

  16. ??? says:

    You’re putting sex on a pedestal. Just fuck someone. The next guy you meet at a bar. WEAR A CONDOM!! Pee after or you might get a UTI… trust me. Just do it.

    I waited a long time to have sex too. I was a prude and didn’t want to give any guy the satisfaction of being able to say they fucked me. I’m from a smallish town, was friends with a lot of guys and couldn’t handle the idea of them talking about me the way they did other girls they fucked. I chose a stranger, in a different town and I never saw him again. It was fantastic.

  17. Zippy says:

    She seems troubled, so I’ll be the hero here and give her a jump! :)

  18. Yeah says:

    Wait for the right guy. Better to be safe. Drew sounds like a 12 year old.

  19. whatuptokyo says:

    yeah, its easy fuck while youre still in college. Once youre done you have to get them drunk and trick them into it.

  20. french guy says:

    ^ preck?

  21. kat says:

    hey girl who wrote the letter, that was me too, although apparently you’re hotter than me.

    my approach was to lose it to the first guy that i wouldn’t regret. not the ‘mr. right’ guy i’d marry necessarily, but someone i wouldn’t be ashamed of in years to come. i’d been thinking that way since high school, and since i grew up in a shitty small town and didn’t meet that many people in my first/second years, it didn’t happen until i was 19 and my THIRD year of uni.

    maybe it’s late bloomer, maybe it’s just having standards…either way, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

  22. a4awesome says:

    I say you lose it to a stranger and get it over with. Or, just wait it out for the guy who fits your standards. It’s already been 19 years, what’s another three going to do?

    Besides don’t guys find virgins more attractive? Or am I going insane.

  23. Cheese Bottoms says:

    obvious troll is obvious

  24. ew says:

    jesus fucking shit r u sure ur 19 n not 12? This is the kinda shit i was concerned about in the 7th grade. If u really wanted to have sex u would have already had it by now, DUH!!!!!!!!!! judging by this post maybs ur just too stupid to figure out to physically do it.

  25. ew says:

    ^ not my twitter!!!!!!!!!!!!


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