Am I a late bloomer or just pathetic? I recently turned 19, finished my first year at college and have yet to have sex.
Am I a late bloomer or just pathetic? I recently turned 19, finished my first year at college and have yet to have sex. I didn’t start to get concerned about my extended virginhood until a couple of months ago and now it seems like it’s all I can think about. Should I just go for it with any old character or wait and maintain some sort of standard? Regardless, any tips/words of wisdom for my first time would be greatly appreciated.
The Virgin Mary
P.S: I’m sending you a picture so you have an idea of what I’m working with. Don’t post it on the website in case my ma and pa read it. (I don’t want them to be ashamed of their 19 year old virgin.)
* In the picture, I’m the one dressed as a bird on the mailbox.
I’m not going to spread this girl’s pics around the internet because I remember how bad I felt when my mom called me asking what a Suicide Girl was (my little sister is a fucking TATTLER), but seriously this chick is banging. BANGING. I showed her pics to all my dude friends and they all agreed that she looked like Christina Hendricks meets that hot girl you whacked off to in your Creative Writing seminar. Like she is basically Joan Holloway, but goofy and with smaller tits than this picture:
Otherwise, dead on. So this leaves two possibilities:
1) Are you a virgin out of choice (religious reasons, high standards, prudish, whatever?) or are you really waiting for Mr. Right? I’d make fun of you, except I was a virgin until I was 18 and got to college. But that’s because in high school I was fat. So:
2) Did you recently lose a lot of weight? That might be why you’re suddenly reconsidering the whole thing: a hotter caliber of guys. Otherwise, you made it up to 19 and a whole year of college without wondering why you were a virgin? Do you do other stuff? Finger-banging, anal, what have you? Or do you just not even get past the make-out point? And again, I wonder if this is because you have some severe personality flaw, like extreme quirkiness (hence the Creative Writing seminar) or an annoying voice that makes guys lose interest?
But you know what, that’s such a misogynistic way to look at things. From what I can tell, you are super hot, and are beating guys off (except not?) everyday. So your question is: Any old shmoe or wait for the guy you fall for? Well let me answer your question with a story:
My freshman year, I met the hottest upperclassman ever. He looked like Ashton Kutcher meets Jim from The Office, but wasn’t a douche bag and lived off-campus. I knew that if I gave him my v-card and we ended up breaking up, I’d be devastated. So you know what I did? I totally gave it up to the really nice guy who played guitar and lived the next dorm over, just to get the whole stigma of being a virgin out of the way. It was 4:20 on Yom Kippur, and I remember thinking “This isn’t that much more fun than getting finger-blasted” and then afterward he wanted to cuddle and Rufus Wainwright’s version of “Hallelujah” played on his iTunes or whatever.
Fully vaccinated against having my v-card and my heart taken away simultaneously, I fucked the upperclassman. After we boned, the Leonard Cohen version of “Hallelujah” came on, which I totally thought was a sign. A sign for what? I don’t know. That people in college have the same shitty music taste?
So me and this guy dated for two weeks, he called me his girlfriend and I didn’t listen to my R.A., who’d also fucked him and told me I was in over my head. I was dying, I was so into it. And then he dumped me and my heart was broken anyway and I got this raging complex where I thought his female friends were following me around campus and laughing at me.
The moral is, it doesn’t matter who you bone first, the guy you want or the guy that just happens to be there, because either way it causes the same amount of heartbreak and 5+ years of Zoloft prescriptions. Honey, it’s inevitable. You might as well just find someone as good looking as you so if the condom breaks at least you’ll have gorgeous children. And if that’s making you feel sad, perk up: I still see that upperclassman every two years because we have this deal where we get together and spend a week or two in bed watching movies before he starts getting annoyed with me again and we cut off contact. But you know what? In two months it’ll be the third two-year mark so I’m like taking a week off of work in advance.
In conclusion: Sex is awesome, except when you do it with people who you are totally infatuated with, and even then it’s pretty great because you get to keep Eternal Sunshining’ that shit until you are old and gray.
Hope that helps,