Posted by
Drew Grant
• 02.24.10 10:00 am


Try not to laugh: I’ve never had a real kiss before. It sounds pretty pathetic, I know. Please allow me to sort of explain before you laugh your ass off and send this to cyber-hell.

Try not to laugh: I’ve never had a real kiss before? It sounds pretty pathetic, I know. Please allow me to sort of explain before you laugh your ass off and send this to cyber-hell.

I’m not even asking for a boyfriend! I’m a junior in high school, and I don’t really party with anyone because I go to a tiny school with a bunch of lame WASP-y kids. I hang out with different people, usually just get high and go to shows or watch a movie.

I have two really close friends who have lots of sex. One gets it from random guys she meets and the other has like three open relationships. The rest of my good friends all went on to college.

The fact that mostly everyone I know is convinced that I’m a complete slut doesn’t help my case much. I developed a lot earlier than the other girls (I was 5’7 and a C in 7th grade). I’m awkward and tall (now 5’11) and a total chubster, but doesn’t everyone get to kiss at least once? I don’t get guy attention. A boy has never liked me LIKE THAT. I go out all of the time, so I’ve kind of learned to brush it off though.

Is there anything I do?! This is getting incredibly annoying.

Sincerely,
-J.K.


Dear J.K.

Whoa, glad I finally dug up that time-capsule I sent to myself in high school and got around to emailing it!

Hey sweetie, don’t worry: If your friends are having “open relationships” in high school, then you aren’t the problem — they are. Open relationships are for polygamists (gross) and guys with venereal diseases who are trying to trick you into sleeping with them consistently while they fuck your sister. DON’T BUY THE HYPE!

Not being kissed is a legitimate worry for 16-year-olds — wondering whether or not the guy you blew behind Wendy’s so he’d get you tickets to an R-rated movie gave you throat Gonorrhea is not. So like, chill out. I developed early too and didn’t get much play in HS, and look at me now! So if you’re anything like me, which you are because it seems like you ARE me, you’ll wait ’til college to lose your virginity, screw some guys and have semi-normal relationships, move to New York and realize everyone here is PSYCHOTIC and puts so much emphasis on getting laid that as soon as you screw them they think you’re in love with them or some shit. It’s very weird! You should dissuade them of this notion by sleeping with their friends. This shows that you have a high-level of self-worth and aren’t going to let some jerks tell you how much you like them.

Also: Are you fat? Because that can really fuck with you later in life, especially if you lose the weight but still have all those fat-girl hangups. Plus side? You’ll learn how to give excellent blow jobs.

-DREW GRANT

Send “Dear Drew” sexual queries to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com


Comments
  1. bobdole says:

    here’s what you do. make a good male friend, hang out for a while, get him drunk watch a funny movie while lying on the floor, take advantage. you win, now you’ll have enough confidence to get smooched by all the nasty boys.

  2. homeless. says:

    Drew i want to make out with you.

  3. nuh-uh no way says:

    either my biological clock has gone time-bomb or THIS IS ADORABLE. The agony of teen awkwardness!

  4. pingpong says:

    i will kiss you pretty good wuts ur address

  5. NippleDick says:

    stay tuned for more creepy comments….

  6. The President of the United States of Full Blown Aids says:

    Step 1: Don’t be fat.

  7. Anonymous says:

    fat girls give good head… all men should invest in a fat girl every now and then.

  8. coldfeet says:

    good god, what kind of people READ this website?? I thought it was only angry insecure emotionally stunted 20 something guys who never get laid and would desperately like to be friends with the guy from that other website who started this one but they act like they hate him.
    And then some normal kid comes along and writes some sweet little letter not sounding jaded or bitter whatsoever.
    color me astounded.

    also, girl who wrote the letter, you are COMPLETELY NORMAL. maybe even better than normal because you sound like a nice person. dont change.

  9. kure kure takora says:

    Why are high schoolers looking at this site?

  10. JuCIFER says:

    Yeah, this place is RAW & BRUTAL.
    No place for a sensitive, chubby girl who’s never been kissed.
    She should sing that awful “Tik Tok” Justic- rip-off on Youtube.

  11. Cutie Pie says:

    Drew, I stopped reading after your criticism of open relationships. Could you try to not offend me until your last sentence. That’s how SC works, ri?

  12. French Ass Raper says:

    Maybe if you posted some pics of your self. We could give you some guidance.

  13. Shred Bundy says:

    I think if you posted pictures of your feet it would give us a better idea of what’s at stake here. Is your hair long and parted down the middle?

  14. Loozer Boozer says:

    Jesus. Between the pedophiles, chubby haters, and assholes, I’m surprised this girl hasn’t already killed herself.
    I think Coldfeet summed it up: “you are COMPLETELY NORMAL. maybe even better than normal because you sound like a nice person. dont change.”
    To me, it sounds like this girl is going to be the type of woman that smart guys kill themselves over in about 5 years. Maybe less. Being smart and funny is way better than being hot, because hotness can be attained, while being smart and funny is something you either got or not. I would rather marry a smart, hilarious 5 than be embarassed at the benign conversational skills of a vapid 8 any day.

  15. Loozer Boozer says:

    and to clarify, I feel that 8 is the hottest a girl can be without being smart, funny, or both. 9′s are hot and funny, 10′s are hot, smart, funny, rich, and slutty.

  16. kat says:

    I’m feeling a little blown away by the cuteness of this letter too. It also sounds like shades of my younger self, minus the developing early (I never did) but also with the assumptions of being a slut due to a pretty dece booty.

    If I can give advice:
    1. You actually get boy attention, believe me; it’s because you’re 16 that none of them are telling you about it. Over the next 5 years, you will find out exactly how many of your male friends had crushes on you.
    2. It’s entirely possible that your first kiss could be really underwhelming, so don’t build it up too much; mine came at 17, but I was like ‘meh’ and held off actually dating/fucking for a couple more years. The boys aren’t good at kissing yet either, fyi.
    3. Focus on going to shows and hanging out with tons of people because fuck, your life sounds awesome and fun, just like mine was/is. That’s the point of being young and dumb! If you’re having fun and being a good person, eventually the boys will come around and leave you adorable drunk facebook emails that you can telepath backwards to yourself now.

  17. ??? says:

    A. Listen to ‘Looser Boozer’
    B. DON’T DO WHAT ‘FRENCH ASS RAPER’ SAYS!
    C. You are totally normal, but should think about getting in shape. Not just because it will get you some action, but the older you get, the fatter you get, unless you start to work at it. Give yourself a head start. You will be happier too. FACT.

  18. Crowbar says:

    ask for one on the cheek and then turn your head real fast so its on the lips. works every time.

  19. niggragencia says:

    Don’t sweat it J.K., but practice kissey kissey styles on the crook of your arms. And remember, no one likes to kiss someone who seems annoyed, so drop that vibe. And for Christsake DON”T SLOUCH, stand tall and you’ll have’em lined up to pucker up before you know it.

  20. Anonyourmom. says:

    At my high-school most girls your age were already preggers. It could be worse. And as long as you are into music, (nice) boys won’t care if you’re chubby. Especially if you’re still rocking C-cups.

  21. Canadave says:

    Get pass out drunk and take a lot of ghb at an afterhours in a basement down on the south east end (it’s always the worst end) of town. Guaranteed makeouts then, even if you’re not around to experience it.

  22. Canadave says:

    P.S.: Drew is the breast thing going on this site.

  23. Vane$$a says:

    fuck smart and funny. i’m smart and funny, was once fat lost lots of weight. i am attractive now and can only score total creeps or vapid one night stands. it really did fuck with my head and no one cares if you’re smart and funny. say hi to reality. some people are just not meant to be players. ugh, i hate life. oh and it sounds as if you’ll have sex before your first kiss. i did.

  24. Carpe Diem says:

    Trust me, you will never hear a boy say the words “gee, I wish you had slept with more random guys.” You’re stuck in a small school with the same old people, as soon as you get out into the real world you will see that there are so many boys who want to kiss you it will start to give you a headache (and heads up, you won’t want to kiss MANY of them). Most people have awkward adolescent stages anyway, if not all of them. The important thing to remember is cool guys will always find smart funny chicks to kiss (regardless of their weight/height/bushy brows/knobby knees etc.) but pessimism and annoying physical hang-ups blur all attractive attributes. Keep doing what you’re doing and everything will eventually fall into place, all in good time. Oh and I know this is advice, but my advice is don’t take advice from anonymous commentators online or you will end up making out with people like pingpong or french ass raper, just sayin’

  25. Carpe Diem says:

    ps. Vane$$a why are you having one night stands with “vapid” people? If you’re only going to sleep with someone once it should at least be exciting…


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