Posted by
SBTVC
• 03.10.09 11:22 am


I study Mandarin in school and it’s the worst decision I made since I hugged the wrong daddy at Gymboree when I was five. They make you sing all the stupid words when you talk and draw pictures when you write. I mean, what the fuck.

I study Mandarin in school and it’s the worst decision I made since I hugged the wrong daddy at Gymboree when I was five. They make you sing all the stupid words when you talk and draw pictures when you write. I mean, what the fuck. Did you put tones on your ugly little qingchongxingzheng words just to make them extra confusing? Or do you just like sounding like you’re in some freaky atonal opera all the time? And the reason that every other language ever uses alphabets is because they make sense, you fucking morons. The same goes for cutlery vs. chopsticks.

Anyway, people keep asking me why I’m not studying abroad in China. I usually mumble something about fulfilling graduation requirements and change the subject quickly but it’s getting harder and harder for me not to be like “BECAUSE IT’S A STUPID CULTURE THAT’S WHY!” Seriously, they’ve got bad music, bad government, bad internet, bad jokes, ugly dudes, and low tolerance (cultural taboo-wise and booze-wise). The counterculture is even more embarrassing. The old stand by of “at least the chicks are hot” is total bullshit because, as an old Vice Don’t pointed out, they’re the corniest hot chicks in the world. So that leaves sheer population as only thing they’ve got going. Which really just means pollution so bad that it actually bothers me (people whine about the pollution in New York and LA but I’ve never been like “It’d be a really nice day out if I could breathe more easily”).

The point here is that I really appreciated your article about that dude who hates life teaching English in Korea. I did the same thing in China a few years ago and I would have clawed my eyes out if I hadn’t discovered a youth hostel as a resevoir of cool, weird Europeans down to get fucked up. Since then I’ve been really frustrated with people who don’t think it’s a dumb culture. They like dragons, for fuck’s sake! I can’t really get up on a soapbox about this on my white liberal campus, so this seems like the next best thing.

Here’s some proof:

This kid has gathered a crowd of people laughing. What the shit.

First, group calisthenics in matching workout gear? And nobody runs away or sits down halfway through or even half asses it? Jesus. Second, this retarded, enthusiastic little nerd is considered funny? Pathetic. Look at all the comments, they love it.

Idiot bitches. Anybody you know that married an Asian girl he didn’t know very well is actually married to THIS.

There are endless examples of these corny, openly materialistic girls looking for husbands online. It’s not even considered weird. The best part here is that she specifies that she can’t be with anybody born in 1979 because she’s scared of them.

Can you imagine if that happened here?

Remember when a bunch of 15 year old American girls beat up their friend and put it on youtube? Well, in the Chinese version, they rape her first. That’s what happens when your culture pussyfoots around sex and the people sticking it to eachother before marriage are the weirdos — you end up with a bunch of pervs.

The obligatory Chinese-government-is-evil-and-creepy one.

Alright I’m spent. It’s 5 AM and I have a ton of Chinese homework due at noon. Fuck my life.

Keepin’ it xenophobic,
Ailin (it means Love Jungle)

Dear Ailin,
Yeah but isn’t there a deal where there’s so few women there all the guys treat their dates like pieces of gold? That’s what David Choe told us and he’s there right now.
Sincerely,
SBTVC


Comments
  1. JuCIFER says:

    That’s so racist, all I know is that the Chinese are nice, AND THEY EAT BABIES.

    http://www.renminbao.com/rmb/articles/2005/5/12/35899.html

  2. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL AGAIN WE SEE THAT ‘ STREET BONERS ‘ IS THE LAST BASCHEN OF SOUL REFUGE AGAINST THE LIBS WHO ARE DOOMED TO BE THE SMALL BUT VOCAL MINORITY FOR THE REST OF THEY’RE EXISTENCE. AND IT JUST GOES TO SHOW BY THEIR ALLYANCE WITH THE CHINESE THAT WE SEE THE LIB’S TRUE DOGMA:

    1 NANCY PALOSI WILL BE FORCEING ABORTIONS ON WHITE POEPLE ONLY BUT NOT BLACK OR LATINO
    2 HARRY REED WILL EAT RICE
    3 I THINK YOU SHOULD CHECK THE MILITARY RECORDS FOR ANY PEOPLE ON THE OFFICER TRACK DUE TO BE GENERALS BY THE NAME OF TSO, TSAO, CHO, CHAO, CHOW OR CHAUW
    4 LIBERALS OPENLY CHEERING FOR CENSOREING THE INTERNET BY STATE-SPONSORED COMPANIES SUCH AS VERIZAN
    5 THERE ARE NO CHINA TOWN NEIGHBROHOOD’S IN THE MID WEST, ONLY ON THE WEST AND EAST COAST’S

    BUT ANY WAYS, I DEFINATELY FEEL FOR THIS GUY. AS SO OFT IN THE CASE, THE LIBS YET AGAIN SHUT DOWN A TRUE PATROIT FROM SPEAKING HIS MIND, EVEN WIHT HE IDEA OF “MY”.

  3. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL I FORGOT TO SAY ALL SO THAT I THINK IT IS SO SAD HOW THE BABY BOOMER’S ARE FORCEING THEY’RE KIDS TO ATTEND THESE LIB UNIVERSITIES, I MEAN WE ALL KNOW THAT IF THESE KIDS HAD THERE WAY THEY WOULD DEFINATELY BE ATTENDING SCHOOLS LIKE LIBERTY AND REGENT BUT OH NO THE PARENT’S SAY, YOU NEED TO STUDY WITH TODD GITLIN’S GAY HOMOSEXUAL CONCUBINE FROM 1969

    I SAY TO THE ABOVE STUDENT THAT HE SHOULD EMANSIPATE HIM SELF LIKE LINCOLN DID THE SLAVE’S AND ATTEND A NON-LIB SCHOOL, TAKE A STRONG STAND I AM WITH YOU IN THERE STRUGGLE!!!!!1

  4. Loomis says:

    Is this “Just a Normal Guy” posing as an irritating retard to make us streetcarnage readers look bad?

  5. Sarah O Sarah says:

    I’m all for free speech but can you guys please ban this NORMAL GUY guy? His hard-to-look-at rants in all caps drag us all down. He’s like the kid with the talking stick who won’t put it down. He can’t even spell words like Bastion, Sole, Their, Alliance, Pelosi, Forcing, Censoring, Verizon, Chinatown, Midwest, Anyways, Definitely, Is, With, Forcing, Emancipate, and !

  6. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL LOOMIS THE ONLY READER’S I WO’NT TO LOOK BAD ARE THE NYC LIBS WHO COME HERE TO SPOUTE THEY’RE P.C. NON-SENSE WHEN EVER GAVIN MACINES, BLOG N OR DONNA D STARTS TALKING GOOD “HORSE’S SENSE.”

    SO IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE NYC LIBS THEN SORRY BUT I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU LOOK BAD

  7. JuCIFER says:

    MAN, NORMAL GUY CAN’T SPELL WORTH A SHIT! HE’S A LIVING STEREO-TYPE.
    GO TO COLLEGE YOU’RE EMBARRASSING US.

  8. EVERYONE says:

    Just a normal guy is one of the funniest dudes on the site, writers included.

  9. EVERYONE says:

    Funny, because we feel sorry for him.

  10. Monty says:

    Who is more embarassing? The guy obviously making a joke or the earnest dumbfucks who don’t get it and fall for it just like they are supposed to?

  11. zeb. says:

    You’re a fucking American and talking shit on any other countries CULTURE? Are you being serious? Fuck you all around.

  12. buttman says:

    90% of oriental girls have no ass so I would never have any interest in going anywhere oriental plus they smell bad

  13. tommy gun says:

    @ Monty: WTF?! is that real? what is it – really an abortion soup?

    @ everyone else – JUST A NORMAL GUY is a fucking American hero and has done more for this country than any of is. someday you will know his real story – his spelling is fine, its the best. losers.

  14. Monty says:

    Yes, I tried it in Beijing in 2006.
    A bit chewy.

  15. Monty says:

    That’s not me.

  16. I go to China for workquite often. It’s a pretty cool country IMO. I drink shitloads, the food is awesome, and karaoke, massage and BJs are part of doing business. You’re being fucking stupid. You will be able to make plenty of money in ANY field ANYWHERE in an English speaking country.

    Considering part of your distaste for China comes from the un-coolness (ugh) of their counter culture you’re too stupid to go far. If everyone you knew over 40 had lived through multiple famines and you’d be doing something more productive that cool street art and singing about teen angst.

    Drink some baiju, smoke some opium and get a blow job from a girl hanging upside down by her knees. Then ask a 50 year old rich dude what the 60s were like.

    College kids are the worst.

  17. gay post says:

    You’re a shitty person, go die.

  18. Para. 1 should end with “After graduating fluent in Mandarin”

  19. Another Concerned Parent says:

    Most of the points about culture ring true, but I’m going to call you on your digs at ‘corny, materialistic’ Asian women. Yeah, Asian women can be a bit shallow and immature, but white North American chicks are generally just as calculating, inwardly just as materialistic, as well as being distastefully shameless.

    Sure Asian girls whine a lot, but they also haven’t forgotten the ancient art of knowing when to Shut The Fuck Up. They’re also much more supportive and less selfish, more family-oriented, and when it comes right down to it, they’re just better looking.

    Sure they might be born without tits and asses, but that just makes them work harder. Haven’t you seen Korean women applying lotion to their hands four or five times a day just to keep their hands soft? Meanwhile, your average white chick is eating a bag of doritos for lunch, dressing like it’s laundry day (“It makes me look like an individual!”) and making idiotic jokes about their periods in front of all of your friends. ENOUGH!!!

    Asian chicks are like a mid-class import, and white chicks are like a Cadillac. Sure, the Cadillac is great when you first get it, but once you drive the shit out of it and none of the power functions work, there’s no point. I’m putting my money into a Hyundai. Those things have an excellent warranty.

  20. Monty says:

    I like eating asian girls. Baby girls in a broth.

  21. too long says:

    story and comments.

  22. too long says says:

    yes, I agree with me.

  23. too long says says says:

    yep

  24. Cap'n Glitterfuzz says:

    ur doing it rong,

    How many pounds of Oriental toenail clippings did you manage to stuff into your suitcase?

  25. ew says:

    ur doing it rong is a jew which is probably why he’s so pro- china. Their culture is somehow even shittier. plus they also eat babies.

    HATIN JUZ 4 EVA IN 09!!!

  26. Monty says:

    Yo, I GOTTA AGREE ON THAT ANTI-SEMITISM TIP…
    Jews LOVE everything chink, WOOOOOOOOOOOOORD.

  27. Monty says:

    Man, this post went all fucking nuts, I love it.
    BTW that’s not me.

  28. Taeil says:

    What the fuck is Ailin talking about? That smoking baby makes me WANT to go to China.

    Also the statement about white chicks and Asian girls to Cadillac and Hyundai in the comments above is the greatest analogy I have ever read in my life.

  29. srsly says:

    china people will order shark fin soup, or tiger penis, or whatever, but who would’ve thot they’d have actual baby on the menu too, it’s kinda weird if ya ask me.

    is it spoze to enhance a woman’s chances to conceive or something? i don’t get it.

    at the very least the baby wasn’t tossed in the garbage??

    I don’t think I want to go to china anytime soon, they might want to consume my penis!

  30. dorkus malorkus says:

    i took mandarin for four years in high school. i remember none of it. it’s the worst fucking language ever invented, unless you’re musically inclined.

    chi wo de da bien

  31. Jiggashenme says:

    I mean, I don’t like to make huge, sweeping, generalizations, but I’m gonna go ahead and say it: CHINA BLOWS. Hard.

    I was there, and the culture sucks so hard that, that we thought the fucking lame (excepting Bas, obvi) ex-pats were fun and cool. I mean, really? The Chinese culture left us so starved for the non-lame that we really just ended up with lowered standards.

    Also, I love you for this.

  32. Vane$$a says:

    This was entertaining. The article with the Chinese woman and her shpeel on the greatness of western man is nothing more than propaganda. If you want to get a whole nation of Chinese dudes pissed off and ready to go hands with whitey, all you gotta do is have their women talk about how short and effeminate they are compared to westerners. And comparing Chinese men to Africans? Look the fuck out. A friend of mine is married to a Chinese woman and they live in China, he said that they love leaving the house, but only on days when they don’t mind feeling like they’re going to have to fight off a lynch mob. Racism in America is nothing compared to racism in China. But, you know, we’ll never hear much about that, especially since we’re too busy being owned by China and feeling guilty for having a most special relationship with their ladies. When are Asian dudes and black women going to start hooking up?

  33. JuCIFER says:

    Uhh, I don’t think that would be anatomically feasible…

  34. ur doing it rong says:

    we jews like china cuz its a cheap place to get nose jobs (wha?). Also shark fin soup is good, for reals.

  35. j,yhf.kiyuh.v says:

    about that baby yo…i feel fucked up now.

  36. Ronnie Darko says:

    Agreed. Studied chinese for 3 yrs. I like the language. I just don’t like the people in general. Neither socially nor working with them.

  37. Ditto. says:

    I thought chinese would be fun. sweet jesus it’s hard.


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