Posted by
• 03.04.10 11:45 am

I would like to warn you about a rapidly growing epidemic sweeping the tri-state area. Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve summered in the south of Jersey. The Jersey shore is the natural environment for the guido, and as visitors we’ve learned to cohabitate.

I would like to warn you about a rapidly growing epidemic sweeping the tri-state area.

Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve summered in the south of Jersey. The Jersey shore is the natural environment for the guido, and as visitors we’ve learned to cohabitate. For decades the guido has called the Jersey shore its summer home, yet recently there has been a newcomer, the chinese guido aka “the cheeto.”

My first encounter with this animal occurred in my neighborhood, the mecca for all guidos. I was in the barbershop reading the newspaper, waiting for my turn when I overheard, “Yo bro, get me a fahwkin proscuit wit muzzarell on the seeded hero, the semoleena one — nah fuck dat, get me a gabbagool with provalone.” To me, it was nothing unusual. I just figured it was a typical jerk-off. That was until I put the paper down, and before me stood an Asian man.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had to rub them. Was it true? It couldn’t be. But yes, it was, and he had all the attire:
1. Ed Hardy shirt: check
2. Gold Jesus piece: check
3. Blue-eyed contact lenses: check
4. Sleeve tattoos consisting of dead friends, tribal designs, roses, and religious shit: check
The only thing missing from the package was hair gel (it’s OK, he had a high fade).

After that, I started to notice these mutants popping up everywhere. In the city, I’ll see one with armbands on; down the shore, a cheeto with piercings; a bag (pack) of cheetos walking out of the tanning salon. I was amazed at the transformation. I personally blame the toxic melting pot of NY.

And if you see a cheeto or a bag of cheetos around, don’t let their defense mechanisms (loud techno, fast cars, sunglasses) fool you. They’re Asian, and like Asians, they’ll do it twice as well as the original.


P.S. I’ve attached some pictures of cheetos for you to add, should you decide to post this. Also please link the Saturday Night Fever video for me. Thanks!

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  1. homeless. says:

    forget the hair, looking at the fucking sleeves on that suit

  2. Cpt. Obvious says:

    these guys have little dicks

  3. Loozer Boozer says:

    I was afraid of guidos before Jersey Shore came on. Now, I see through the vanity, lack of education, body image nonsense, and materialism, and I see guidos for what they really are: People who like to look “good,” get drunk, fuck their brains out, and party. So what if they like different shit than we do? As long as they don’t come to my bars, fuck my girlfriends, or talk within earshot of me, I’m fine with it.

  4. Smelly says:

    Bow to your future Asian overlords.

  5. desboobs says:

    silly azns.

  6. Eddy 209 says:

    The one in white drinks is own piss.

  7. Big H says:

    “a bag (pack) of cheetos” was very good.

  8. no.thanks. says:

    fuck, this is awesome!

    this is a million light years past the idea of a few white guys into rap music or a few black dudes really into kung fu.

  9. JuCIFER says:

    how come nobody ever tries to be Asian?

  10. cookie says:

    “bag” of cheetos.

  11. justsomedude says:

    You forgot about all the Mexicans that dress like guidos, they’re all over the country.

  12. yikes says:

    that was funny, especially the “bag of cheetos”, and “That was until i put the paper down, and before me stood an asian man.”

    However, these specimens have been around since the mid-90s up here in Canada. Go to any Catholic school (trust me) and you’ll encounter several. And do they ever like to fight…

  13. VIET DONG says:

    Yea.. it’s called dressing ‘normal’… haven’t any of you been to a college campus in the past 10 years?

  14. KFC man says:


    ‘Cause being asian sucks! They spend their time trying to be somebody other races…

  15. ratkicker says:

    Loozer Boozer makes a good point.

  16. Zippy says:

    I blame it all on John Gosselin.

  17. yikes says:

    Loozer Boozer does indeed make a good point. Minus the part about being afraid. I don’t fear Guidos, for I fear no man.

  18. Anonymous says:


    -Anime nerds?

  19. Professor Mudbutt says:

    @ JewCIFER, KFC man

    have you never heard of the RZA, the GZA, the Ghostface Killa, etc…

    Asians and Mexicans are nothing, what about Arabs, Persians, Pakis, and Indians? They make the original Guidos look like a bunch of coal miners.

    And Black Sabbath never realeased anything called “Affliction.” WTF????????

  20. buffalowinger says:

    this sounded like something from, lame.
    these guys have been around for as long as i can remember.

  21. JuCIFER says:

    @ MuddButt…

    Dang MaNig, I forgot about the Wu-Tang…


  22. blob says:

    still not as bad as indian guidos. jersey and ny are filled with those turds.

  23. Clayton. says:

    Reading this article made me feel like I’m in San Francisco. Oh, wait…

  24. Beef says:

    I’d love to see a colored guy with a blowout. Maybe one day.

  25. Billy Cox says:

    we have vietnamese guidos here, we have for a long time. vietnamese guidettes= omfg cum

  26. Anonymous says:

    this is all the fault of that douche from John and Kate Plus 8

  27. Banker says:

    Asian guidos are indeed old news and are really just the natural outgrowth of that fast & furious culture. This was a good article though, now do one on my favorite strand of guido, the iranian guido. I guess a funny name for them could be Al Guido but maybe you can think of a better one.

  28. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    Asians are a culture sponge. Remember back in the 80’s when you had all those Japanese running around Tokyo in cowboy gear like they were in Urban Cowboy?

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