I would like to warn you about a rapidly growing epidemic sweeping the tri-state area. Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve summered in the south of Jersey. The Jersey shore is the natural environment for the guido, and as visitors we’ve learned to cohabitate.
I would like to warn you about a rapidly growing epidemic sweeping the tri-state area.
Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve summered in the south of Jersey. The Jersey shore is the natural environment for the guido, and as visitors we’ve learned to cohabitate. For decades the guido has called the Jersey shore its summer home, yet recently there has been a newcomer, the chinese guido aka “the cheeto.”
My first encounter with this animal occurred in my neighborhood, the mecca for all guidos. I was in the barbershop reading the newspaper, waiting for my turn when I overheard, “Yo bro, get me a fahwkin proscuit wit muzzarell on the seeded hero, the semoleena one — nah fuck dat, get me a gabbagool with provalone.” To me, it was nothing unusual. I just figured it was a typical jerk-off. That was until I put the paper down, and before me stood an Asian man.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had to rub them. Was it true? It couldn’t be. But yes, it was, and he had all the attire:
1. Ed Hardy shirt: check
2. Gold Jesus piece: check
3. Blue-eyed contact lenses: check
4. Sleeve tattoos consisting of dead friends, tribal designs, roses, and religious shit: check
The only thing missing from the package was hair gel (it’s OK, he had a high fade).
After that, I started to notice these mutants popping up everywhere. In the city, I’ll see one with armbands on; down the shore, a cheeto with piercings; a bag (pack) of cheetos walking out of the tanning salon. I was amazed at the transformation. I personally blame the toxic melting pot of NY.
And if you see a cheeto or a bag of cheetos around, don’t let their defense mechanisms (loud techno, fast cars, sunglasses) fool you. They’re Asian, and like Asians, they’ll do it twice as well as the original.
P.S. I’ve attached some pictures of cheetos for you to add, should you decide to post this. Also please link the Saturday Night Fever video for me. Thanks!
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